Background

8 Things You are Getting WRONG about Your Narcissist (EXCERPT)

Uploaded 11/23/2021, approx. 5 minute read

Lying is one of the myths associated with narcissism.

And the reason there are so many nonsensical myths about narcissism is that people came online and without any qualifications and any relevant credentials, declared themselves to be experts on narcissism. And so they propagated, unmitigated, trash and rubbish.

And so let's inspect eight or so of the myths.

First of all, unambiguous physical or sexual abuse rarely results in adult secondary narcissism. To be afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder, one needs to be pedestalized, idolized, pampered, instrumentalized or parentified as a child, and then abruptly and cruelly discarded by the parent.

The adult narcissist spends a lifetime trying to recapture those lost moments of parental idealization.

Myth number two, narcissists do have emotions, but they have access to and experience only negative affectivity, rage, envy, hatred and the like. So they do have emotions.

Number three, narcissists do have empathy. They have a truncated form of empathy, cold empathy, which allows them to spot and leverage the vulnerabilities in their targets.

Next, narcissists dread abandonment. They have separation insecurity or separation anxiety. They dread abandonment exactly like borderlines do. Narcissists are often dysphoric, often depressed, especially when they fail to secure narcissistic supply.

Number five, grandiosity is about being unique.

Grandiosity is not about being the best. It's not about being the greatest. It's not about being the most. It's about being unique, special, sui genevis, one of a kind. So the narcissist can brag, for example, about being the perfect loser. The uninterrupted failure, the quintessential victim, being a loser, a failure and a victim, doesn't strike people as grandiosity, but it is if you are the ultimate victim, the peak of loosership, etc.

So the grandiosity is about being special.

Next, some narcissists are pro-social, communal. These narcissists are morally upright, altruistic, and charitable. They are ostentatious and grandiose about it all, but they still are friendly and integrated in society, sometimes as pillars of a community.

Next, narcissists cheat, romantically cheat, I mean, extramarital affairs. Narcissists cheat less often than psychopaths because they're prone to abandonment anxiety. They're terrified of losing their partners. Narcissists are less faithful during the bargaining and devaluation phases of the shared fantasy, but in all the other phases, they're actually unusually faithful.

We misattribute to narcissists traits and behaviors because most of you are misled, especially by people online, and few of you bother to read scholarly literature, including these self-styled experts.

But misattribution is a general problem. There is something called misattribution error, or attribution error, or attribution bias.

That is, when we attribute to other people motivations that reflect on who they are, rather than analyzing the decision-making process of other people, we say, well, that's the way they are. And this is called attribution error.

We misattribute the most likely motivations to our actions and to other people's choices and behaviors.

Often the picture is much more complex and involves layers upon layers of occult hidden reasons and causes.

I'll give you three examples.

Take, for example, toxic relationships. When you ask people, why do you stay in a toxic relationship, some of them will say, well, trauma bonding, or some such phrase, which they have little idea what it means.

But sometimes people remain trapped for decades in toxic relationships, not because they pity the partner, not because they love the partner, not because they're bonded with the partner, but because they seek to continue to punish their mates for past transgressions, real transgressions, perceived transgressions, or imagined transgressions.

There's a dynamic of vengeance going on in many toxic relationships.

I recommend that you watch the movie, Who is Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Take another example. Sunk costs.

People make new decisions or persevere with old ones because they had already invested resources, however minimally, in a certain course of action. They chose a course of action and they had met investments, minimal investments.

Any investment, however small, yields commitment. And this is regardless of outcomes. The outcomes could be negative. The person can even foresee correctly that the outcomes may be negative.

But the fact that he had invested in the course of action means he's going to continue to the bitter end.

And finally, let's take as an example, celibacy.

Some narcissists opt for lifelong celibacy because they are incapable of either sustaining a sexually active long-term relationship, and they are also incapable of having casual sex because it undermines the sense of uniqueness and grandiosity.

So these narcissists are in a bind. They're in catch-22. They can't have sex in long-term relationships and they have abandonment anxiety. They're afraid to lose the partner so they don't cheat and they can't have casual sex. So they end up being celibate.

As you see, nothing is as it looks. Very often when you come across a lie or a deception or a confabulation, you should ask yourself, how does the other person perceive it?

If it is someone with borderline or narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder, they may well not realize that they're lying. Their world is constructed on falsity.

What is the false self? It's false. The world is founded on fantasy.

The world of people with cluster B personality disorders is founded on a fantasy defense gone awry, malignant fantasy.

And so they have great difficulty to tell the difference between reality and alternative reality, reality and fantasy. It's all blurred. It's all fuzzy. It's all dreamy, dreamlike.

And so don't be too harsh on these people.

Psychopath is the only one who uses lying and confabulation and prevarication to obtain goals.

But even with the psychopath, often there is comorbidity, for example, with borderline, or with narcissism. It's pretty common.

So be more understanding. Try to go to the roots of the lie. Try to see what function the lie had fulfilled.

Do you remember the classification? The eight roles of lies, the eight functions of lies.

Try to understand why you are being lied to and then create the environment in the circumstances where the person with cluster B may feel safe enough to tell you the truth

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Idealized, Devalued, Dumped

Narcissists have a cycle of overvaluation and devaluation, which is more prevalent in borderline personality disorder than in narcissistic personality disorder. The cycle reflects the need to be protected against the whims, needs, and choices of other people, shielded from the hurt that they can inflict on the narcissist. The overvaluation and devaluation mechanism is the most efficient one available to the narcissist, as the narcissist's personality is precariously balanced and requires inordinate amounts of energy to maintain. The narcissist's energies are all focused and dedicated to the task concentrated upon the source of supply he had identified.


Serial Killers Revisited

Narcissism and psychopathy are more about social dysfunction than mental health issues, with trauma victims developing severe narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors. Narcissism is an emerging religion, where narcissists deify themselves and consider themselves to be gods. Serial killers have a mental health dimension, but they also have a pronounced social dimension, with media involvement being a key factor in creating them. Psychological defense mechanisms are crucial to functioning, but in the case of narcissists, their defense mechanisms are compromised because they are used to support an unrealistic grandiose view of themselves.


Alien World of Narcissism (TalkTV with Trisha Goddard)

Narcissism is a distortion of healthy self-esteem that develops in childhood, leading individuals to rely on others for validation and attention, which they refer to as "narcissistic supply." There are two main types of narcissists: overt, who are openly grandiose, and covert, who may appear shy or humble but still manipulate others for their needs. In relationships, narcissists view partners as extensions of themselves, commoditizing them and discarding them if they fail to meet expectations, while social media amplifies their ability to exploit others' vulnerabilities. Ultimately, the best strategy for those involved with narcissists is to cut ties completely, as narcissism can be contagious and detrimental to one's mental health.


Visit Arid Planet Narcissism (with Peter Kolakowski, Deutschlandfunk Kultur)

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with narcissistic traits being common and sometimes beneficial, while narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) represents a more severe dysfunction characterized by a fragmented self and impaired reality testing. Narcissists possess a cold form of empathy, allowing them to understand others' emotions without emotional resonance, which hinders their ability to form genuine insights or learn from experiences. Their relationships are often exploitative, as they use others to regulate their self-worth and emotions, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation. Therapeutic approaches like cold therapy aim to dismantle the false self of narcissists, but this process can lead to emotional dysregulation and a transition to borderline traits, necessitating further treatment for trauma and emotional stability.


Narcissist Lemmings: Generation Off a Cliff (FlowGrow Experience, Limerick City Community Radio)

Narcissism is often misunderstood and misrepresented, with a distinction made between healthy and pathological variants; the latter stems from deep-seated feelings of inferiority and manifests in behaviors that seek validation and control over others. The current societal trend reflects a consumerist mentality where relationships are transactional, leading to increased loneliness and a decline in meaningful connections, particularly among younger generations. Victims of narcissistic abuse often struggle with a cycle of re-victimization due to their dependency on the narcissist for emotional regulation, while the narcissist themselves lacks the capacity for genuine emotional insight or change. Ultimately, the pervasive culture of narcissism and the glorification of self-centeredness contribute to a broader societal dysfunction, where intimacy is viewed as a threat rather than a source of growth and fulfillment.


Reimagining Narcissism in a Psychopathic World (Dunc Tank)

Pathological narcissism is characterized by a lack of true empathy, exploitative behavior, and a fluctuating sense of self-worth, often requiring external validation known as narcissistic supply. This condition can manifest in various subtypes, including malignant and covert narcissism, and is increasingly prevalent in modern society, influenced by technology and cultural shifts. While narcissists may achieve success and power, their relationships are typically shallow and self-serving, leading to a cycle of addiction for those involved with them. Treatment options are limited, and self-awareness alone is often insufficient for narcissists to change their behavior. Ultimately, the rise of narcissism poses significant challenges for interpersonal relationships and societal cohesion.


(English) Narcissist Predators: Their Prey and Habitat (Acibadem Sistina Hospital)

Narcissists and psychopaths are fundamentally different in their psychological constructs, with narcissists often exhibiting a lack of emotional empathy and a reliance on a false self to cope with their insecurities, while psychopaths are more goal-oriented and manipulative. The development of narcissism is rooted in adverse childhood experiences, particularly involving dysfunctional maternal relationships that prevent the child from achieving a stable sense of self and emotional independence. In relationships, narcissists often idealize their partners initially, only to later devalue and discard them as part of a repetitive cycle that mirrors their early childhood dynamics. This creates a complex interplay of trauma bonding, where partners become addicted to the narcissist's intermittent reinforcement of affection and validation, despite the abusive behaviors they may endure.


How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Narcissistic Abuse Inside Out: Charles Bowes-Taylor Interviews Compilation

Narcissism is characterized by a lack of emotional empathy and a reliance on external validation, leading to a fragmented sense of self. Narcissists often interact with others not as individuals but as sources of narcissistic supply, which they need to maintain their self-image and emotional stability. The distinction between overt and covert narcissists highlights different strategies for obtaining this supply, with overt narcissists being more grandiose and attention-seeking, while covert narcissists often exhibit insecurity and self-doubt. Ultimately, both types struggle with a deep-seated emptiness and fear of abandonment, which drives their behaviors and relationships.


The Drooling Narcissist (Reinforcement and Conditioning)

Pathological narcissism is a complex condition shaped by various forms of conditioning, including classical and operant conditioning, which begin in early childhood and influence the individual's behavior throughout their life. Children who grow up in abusive or traumatic environments learn to associate love with pain, leading them to replicate these dynamics in adult relationships, where they often express love through manipulation and abuse. Additionally, narcissists experience reinforcement in a transactional manner, where their sense of self-worth is derived from external validation, resulting in rigid behavioral patterns aimed at securing narcissistic supply. This conditioning creates a distorted worldview where relationships are viewed as reinforcement contingencies, leading to irrational behaviors and a lack of self-awareness in their interactions with others.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy