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Abuse: Inevitable and Normal?

Uploaded 7/14/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Is abuse an anomalous phenomenon? Is it abnormal, exceptional, unusual? Or is it an inevitable part of human nature?

If the former, if it is an anomalous phenomenon, is it the outcome of flawed genetics, nurture, environment, upbringing, or both?

Nature and nurture. Can abuse be cured or merely modified, regulated and accommodated?

There are three groups of theories regarding abuse, three schools regarding abuses, the conduct.

The first one is that abuse is an emergent phenomenon.

The precipitous drop in intimate partner abuse in the last decade, especially in the West, seems to imply that abusive behavior is emergent and that its frequency fluctuates under given circumstances.

Abuse seems to be embedded in social and cultural contexts and to be a learned and acquired behavior.

People who grew up in an atmosphere of domestic violence, for instance, tend to perpetuate and propagate this kind of behavior by abusing their own spouses and family members.

Social stresses and anomie in their psychological manifestations foster domestic violence and child abuse.

Example, war, civil strife, unemployment, social isolation, single parenthood, prolonged or chronic sickness, unsustainably large families, poverty, persistent hunger, marital discord, a new baby, a dying parent, an invalid to be cared for, the death of one's nearest and dearest, incarceration, infidelity, substance abuse, all these stressors have proven to be contributing factors to abuse.

And then there's the second theory, and it says that abuse is hardwired.

Abuse cuts across countries, continents and disparate societies and cultures.

Abuse is common among the rich and the poor, the highly educated and the less educated, people of all races and all creeds and all socioeconomic strata.

In other words, abuse is a universal phenomenon, always has been throughout the ages.

More than half of all abusers do not come from abusive or dysfunctional households where they could have picked up this offensive compartment.

Rather, abuse seems to run in their blood.

Additionally, abuse is often associated with mental illness, now fashionably thought to be biological, medical in nature.

Hence the hypothesis that abusive ways are not learned but hereditary.

There must be a complex of genes which controls and regulates abuse, goes the current thinking.

Turning these genes off may well end the maltreatment.

Then there's the third theory, abuse as a strategy.

Some scholars postulate that all modes of behavior, including abuse, are goal oriented or result oriented.

The abuser seeks to control and manipulate his victims and develop strategies aimed at securing these results.

These strategies are what we call abusive conduct, abusive behaviors.

Abuse is therefore an adaptive and functional behavior.

Hence the difficulty encountered by both the offender and society in trying to modify and contain his odious demeanor.

Yet studying the very roots of abuse, social culture, genetic, psychological, and as a survival strategy, teaches us how to effectively cope with its perpetrators.

This is what psychologists, social caseworkers and others are trying to do.

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Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Good people often overlook abuse and neglect because it is difficult to tell the abuser and victim apart. The word abuse is ill-defined and open to interpretation, leading to a lack of clear definition. People also tend to avoid unpleasant situations and institutions that deal with anomalies, pain, death, and illness. Abuse is a coping strategy employed by the abuser to reassert control over their life and regain self-confidence. Abuse is a catharsis, and even good people channel their negative emotions onto the victim.


Abuse By Proxy

Abusers often manipulate third parties, such as friends, family, and authorities, to exert control over their victims, using these individuals as unwitting accomplices in their abusive tactics. They create scenarios that provoke social condemnation against the victim, effectively turning society into a tool for their abuse. Victims are frequently portrayed negatively due to the abuser's charm and manipulation, leading others to misinterpret the dynamics of the relationship. Additionally, the abuser can exploit systemic structures, such as therapists and legal authorities, to further isolate and discredit the victim, often using children as leverage in the process.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers exhibit distinct body language that conveys superiority and entitlement, often maintaining a haughty posture while demanding special treatment and privileges. They oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others, displaying exaggerated admiration or hostility based on their perceived status. Abusers are characterized by a self-centered narrative, frequently using language that emphasizes their own achievements while showing little interest in others. Their serious demeanor and lack of empathy allow them to manipulate social interactions, often masking their dysfunction and abusive behavior from the outside world.


Caught in a Drama Triangle or Real Victim?

The Karpman drama triangle illustrates a destructive model of human interaction involving three roles: the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer, where each participant plays a part that perpetuates conflict and dysfunction. Victims often seek out persecutors and rescuers to maintain their identity and avoid personal responsibility, while rescuers derive a sense of purpose from enabling victimhood, ultimately hindering the victim's growth and healing. The dynamics of the triangle can shift, with individuals easily transitioning between roles, leading to a cycle of learned helplessness and mental health issues. To break free from this cycle, individuals must recognize their roles, take personal responsibility, and learn to empower themselves rather than remain trapped in victimhood.


Addicted to Trauma Bonding? WATCH TO THE END! (with Stephanie Carinia, Trauma Expert)

Trauma bonding is characterized by a strong, unidirectional attachment formed through unpredictable and abusive reinforcement, leading to a power imbalance between the abuser and the abused. The dynamics of trauma bonding involve the abused person confusing intensity with love, often mistaking abusive attention for genuine affection, and experiencing extreme separation anxiety that drives them to remain in the relationship. The abuser creates a dependency by isolating the victim and instilling feelings of helplessness, while the victim internalizes the abuser's negative beliefs, leading to a distorted self-perception and a cycle of self-deception. Ultimately, trauma bonding can be seen as a collaborative process where both parties fulfill their psychological needs, albeit in a destructive manner, making it difficult for the victim to break free from the relationship.


Abusive Ex Leverages Children Against You

Abusive ex-partners often use their children to manipulate and control their former partners. They may co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct, using them as bargaining chips or leverage. The abuser may emotionally blackmail the children, threatening to withhold love and affection if they do not comply with their demands. The abuser may also pervert the system, using therapies, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and even judges to pathologize the victim and separate them from their sources of emotional sustenance.


The Mentally Ill Form Couples

Mentally ill individuals often form dyads characterized by trauma bonding and mutual harm, leading to relationships filled with pain. Partners may adopt coping strategies that either deny the problem or enable the mentally ill partner, sometimes resulting in one partner taking on a controlling or critical role. Alternatively, avoidance strategies can lead to estrangement, where partners neglect each other, causing further emotional distress and acting out behaviors. This dynamic can culminate in severe psychological consequences, including depression and suicidal tendencies for the affected partner.


Victim! System is Against You? Tips and Advice

The system is stacked against abuse victims, who are often re-abused by law enforcement officers, judges, guardians, evaluators, and therapists. Therapists are conditioned to respond favorably to specific verbal cues and behaviors, and the paradigm is that abuse is rarely one-sided. Victims are often labeled uncooperative, resistant, and even abusers if they refuse to participate in a treatment plan or communicate with their abuser. To navigate the system, victims should adopt the slick mannerisms of their abuser, use key phrases, attend every session, participate in a long-term treatment plan, and emphasize the welfare and well-being of their children.


Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, or gaslighting, is a subtle and pervasive form of maltreatment that often goes unnoticed by the victim until significant damage has been done. It creates an atmosphere of fear and instability, eroding the victim's self-worth and self-esteem while reversing roles so that the abuser appears as the victim. The abuser employs various tactics, including inducing disorientation, incapacitating the victim, creating shared psychosis, misusing information, and controlling through proxies, to manipulate and dominate the victim. Ultimately, this insidious form of abuse leads to the victim's isolation and dependence, making it one of the most dangerous types of abuse.

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