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Narcissist: Star of Own Theater of Conspicuous Existence

Uploaded 3/22/2014, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The narcissist is nothing but a shell encasing a void. Uncertain of his own reality, the narcissist engages in what I call conspicuous existence, a kind of theater of narcissistic absurd.

Conspicuous existence is a form of conspicuous consumption, in which the consumed commodity is narcissistic supply.

The narcissist elaborately stage-manages his very being, his every movement, his tone of voice, his posture, his inflection, his poise, his text, his subtext, his context. They are all carefully orchestrated, choreographed to yield the maximum effect and to garner the most attention.

Consequently, narcissists appear to be unpleasantly deliberate. They are somehow wrong, like automata, gone awry, or a robot of kilter.

Narcissists are either too human or too inhuman, too modest, too haughty, too loving, too cold, too empathic, too stony, too industrious, too casual, too enthusiastic, too indifferent, too courches, too abrasive, but it's always too much of something.

Narcissists are excess embodied. They act their part, and their acting shows. Their thespian skills notwithstanding, the effort emanates and exudes through the seams of their existence. Their show invariably unravels the seams under the slightest trace. Their enthusiasm is always manic. Their emotional expression unnatural. Their body language defies their own statements. Their statements belie their intentions. Their intentions are focused on only one thing, a drug, securing narcissistic supply from other people.

The narcissist's authors composes his life. He scripts his life. To him, time is the medium upon which he, the narcissist, records the narrative of his Recherche biography.

The narcissist is therefore always calculated as though listening to an inner voice, to a kind of movie director or choreographer of his unfolding, cosmically significant history.

The narcissist's speech is timid, his motion stunted, his emotional palette a mockery of true countenances.

But the narcissist's constant invention of his self is not limited to outward appearances. The narcissist does nothing and says nothing. He doesn't even think anything. He thinks nothing without first having computed the quantity of narcissistic supply that his actions, utterances or thoughts may yield.

The visible narcissist is the tip of a gigantic, submerged iceberg of seething reckoning, endless number of calculations.

The narcissist is like these famous supercomputers. He is incessantly engaged in energy draining, gorging of other people and their possible reactions to him.

The narcissist constantly estimates, evaluates, counts, weighs, measures, determines, enumerates, compares, despairs, reawakens, restarts, reboots and extracts.

Extracts what? Narcissistic supply.

His fatigued brain is bathed in a drowning noise of stratagems and fears, rage and envy, anxiety and relief, addiction, rebellion, mediation, meditation and premeditation.

The narcissist is a machine which never rests, not even in his dreams and it has one purpose only, securing and maximizing narcissistic supply.

Small wonder that the narcissist is fired, exhausted. His exhaustion is all pervasive and all consuming. His mental energy depleted.

The narcissist can hardly empathize with others. He cannot fluff, he cannot experience emotions, he is too zombified, too tired.

Conspicuous existence malignantly replaces real existence. A myriad and vicilliary forms of life are supplanted by the single obsession compulsion of I must be seen, I must be observed, I must be reflected by proxy through the gaze of others.

The narcissist ceases to exist when he is not in company. His being fades when he is not discerned, when he is not noticed, when he is ignored, he is dead, yet he is unable to return the favor.

He is a captive, oblivious to everything but his preoccupation.

Emptied from within, devoured by his urge, the narcissist blindly stumbles from one relationship to another, from one warm body to the next, forever in search of that elusive creature himself.

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Narcissist's Constant Midlife Crisis

Narcissists experience a perpetual state akin to a midlife crisis due to their constant disconnection from reality and their grandiose aspirations. Unlike healthy adults who confront the gap between their dreams and reality, narcissists thrive on unpredictability and excitement, often engaging in cycles of idealization and devaluation. Their coping mechanisms, such as cognitive dissonance and abrupt changes in behavior, allow them to navigate their ongoing crises without the same level of disillusionment faced by others. Ultimately, the narcissist's refusal to accept reality and their relentless pursuit of fantasy prevent them from undergoing a traditional midlife crisis.


Masked Narcissist: Private Vs. Public Personas

Narcissists do not possess a true self; instead, they are a collection of interchangeable masks that they wear in different contexts, both in private and public. These masks serve as a facade, concealing an underlying emptiness and lack of identity, which is a result of early childhood trauma and abuse. The narcissist's persona is rigid and inflexible, preventing genuine psychological development and leading to a reliance on external validation and attention from others. This inability to engage authentically in relationships results in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and a failure to connect meaningfully with others. Ultimately, the narcissist's existence is characterized by a constant performance, devoid of any real substance or self-awareness.


Narcissistic Supply Deficiency Coping Strategies

Sam Vaknin explains that the grandiosity gap between a narcissist's self-image and reality is grating on their nerves. As a result, the narcissist resorts to self-delusion, which can lead to various solutions. These include the delusional narrative solution, the antisocial solution, the paranoid schizoid solution, the paranoid aggressive or explosive solution, and the masochistic avoidance solution. Ultimately, the narcissist's pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and reinforce their self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness.


How Narcissist Man Child Self Supplies

The narcissist embodies a disturbing blend of adult and childlike traits, often functioning at a mental age between two and nine years, which leads to a disconnection from reality and an inability to process social feedback appropriately. As a result, narcissists frequently resort to self-supply techniques to maintain their self-worth, including reframing reality, creating inflated self-perceptions, and converting negative feedback into positive validation. They often engage in paranoid ideation and referential thinking, believing that external events revolve around them, which reinforces their grandiose self-image. Ultimately, self-supply becomes a critical mechanism for narcissists to sustain their identity and cope with the lack of external validation, blurring the lines between their internal and external realities.


Why Narcissists are Best Actors, Thespians

Narcissists excel at acting because they genuinely believe in the identities they assume, stemming from a core emptiness that allows them to embody various characters effortlessly. They prefer fantasy over reality, using storytelling as a means to avoid confronting harsh truths, and their inflated self-perception makes them vulnerable to the realities that could deflate their constructed personas. Acting serves as a coping mechanism, allowing them to cater to both external audiences and their internal self-supply, while their performances often lack emotional depth, leading to a disconnection that others can sense. Ultimately, the narcissist's inability to maintain emotional investment results in superficial interactions, causing their facade to unravel over time.


Embarrassing Narcissist

Narcissists possess a profound lack of self-awareness, believing in their own superiority and talents despite evidence to the contrary. They construct a false self that is grandiose and powerful, while their true self remains hidden and dysfunctional. This inflated sense of entitlement often leads them to make absurd claims about their abilities and achievements, which can embarrass those around them. Their detachment from reality can result in dangerous consequences, as they may attempt to make critical decisions in fields where they lack qualifications, believing themselves to be more competent than they truly are.


Faces of Narcissist's Aggression

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Why Narcissist is Fragile, Vulnerable

Overt narcissists exhibit grandiosity and self-confidence as a defense mechanism to mask their fragile inner core, which is characterized by a lack of self-esteem and a distorted self-image. This delusional self-perception leads to a constant state of anxiety and vulnerability, as they anticipate criticism and rejection from reality. The narcissist's identity is not stable or cohesive; instead, it is constructed from external validation and fantasies that ultimately fail to provide a true sense of self. This internal conflict creates a battleground of hostile internal voices, making the narcissist highly sensitive to any perceived threats to their constructed identity.


Narcissist's Vulnerability: Grandiosity Hangover

Narcissists often engage in shared delusions and collective denial, clinging to an inflated sense of self and past moments of perceived superiority. Their vulnerabilities, particularly the grandiosity hangover and grandiosity gap, can be exploited, especially when they face authority or feel their self-worth is threatened. Any challenge to their perceived uniqueness or entitlement can provoke intense rage, leading them to react aggressively in an attempt to restore their grandiose self-image. Confronting a narcissist with questions or statements that undermine their self-perception can effectively deter their behavior.

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