You have been watching thousands of hours of videos spewed out by self-styled experts, mostly shalatans and con artists, who know even less than you do about narcissism.
And now that you have been exposed to their wisdom, you consider yourself an expert on narcissism.
But are you? Do you think you know about narcissism?
Here's a quiz. The quiz has 18 questions. Any question, the answer to which you get right, credit yourself one point. Any question, the answer to which you get disastrously wrong, minus yourself one point.
If you get 18 points, you know more about narcissism than I do. And that says a lot.
If you get anywhere between 10 and 18 points, you have a reasonable level of knowledge about narcissism, actually.
If you get anywhere between 5 and 10 points, you're on your way, carry on your education from reliable sources, mind you.
And if you get anywhere between zero and five points, you can go out, establish a YouTube channel and declare yourself an expert on narcissism. You would still be better than 99% of the trash out there.
Get it? Okay. And who am I to administer this midterm exam to you?
I'm a professor of clinical psychology and I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, the first book ever written about narcissistic abuse.
Okay, these are my credentials. What are yours?
Let's delve right in to question number one.
Is narcissism genetic? Is there a hereditary component in narcissism? Is it carried and transmitted across generations?
The correct answer is we don't know.
It stands to reason that there is a genetic predisposition to develop pathological narcissism in reaction to environments which are adverse and abusive in some way.
That is what common sense would tell us because children are exposed to the same environment. Some of them become narcissists, tiny minority. Most others don't.
So clearly the tiny minority who grew up to be delectable adults or pseudo adults known as narcissists, these people have some genetic tendency or proclivity to develop narcissism.
However, I want to emphasize, there are no rigorous, conclusive, serious studies, none, zero, not one, that link pathological narcissism to a specific gene, an array of gene, the expression of genes, including epigenetically.
It's no connection established between narcissistic personality disorder and any phenotype or genotype or anything whatsoever to do with genetics and heredity.
So at this stage, all we can say is probably, but we have no evidence or proof that this is the case.
Next. So this is question number one.
Question number two.
Is the narcissist's brain abnormal?
You know, we know that the brains of psychopaths and the brains of people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, we know that these brains are abnormal. There are abnormalities structural and functional in the brains of psychopaths and borderlines in a variety of locations and regions of the brain.
The brains of psychopaths and borderlines are easily distinguishable from the brains of healthy normal people.
Is it the same for narcissism?
Again, probably yes.
But the same answer.
At this stage, there are no rigorous, conclusive, serious, convincing studies that link brain abnormalities, functional, structural, biochemical, electro-biochemical, nothing. No link has been established in any serious study.
In the future, probably, we will be able to prove that the brains of narcissists are abnormal. It's not quite sure. Which is the chicken and which is the egg?
Did the pathological narcissism, the environment did it cause changes in the brain, the abusive environment, the adverse childhood experiences, did they cause changes in the brain? Or was a child born with such a brain, which is abnormal and this led to narcissism?
That would remain an open question for a long time to come, because we cannot conduct experiments on children that way. It's unethical.
But it stands to reason that the etiological component in narcissism and the brains of narcissism are abnormal. We just haven't been able to prove it. There's no evidence at this stage. Emphasis at this stage.
Okay, next.
How many narcissists are there?
We should make a distinction between prevalence and incidence and between clinical populations and general populations. Cohorts can vary and so.
In short, the answer is it depends.
It is generally the consensus that between 1% and 3% of the general population suffer from some kind of narcissistic disorder which could be diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder or at least is subclinical.
Another undetermined number of people have a narcissistic style. We'll discuss it a bit later in the answer to another question.
So no, anyone who says that one out of six people has narcissistic personality disorder is someone who knows nothing about narcissism. I don't want to use harsher words in this particular context.
This is utter, unmitigated, total rubbish. Total. There's nothing to support this contention whatsoever. And it indicates severe ignorance of the field. Anyone who uses other numbers similarly, they're unsubstantiate.
Now, the general argument is, yeah, but narcissists don't attend therapy. They don't go to therapy, so they don't give clinicians the chance to diagnose them.
That is true for all mental health disorders. That's not how we measure. That is not how we measure the prevalence and incidence of mental illnesses in the general population.
There are statistical methods to do this. So the figure of 1 to 3%, probably 1%, is pretty safe, actually, regardless of how many narcissists have actually been diagnosed.
We have statistical methods which allow us to glean the correct answer even if the sample is very small or skewed.
Okay, so that's the answer. One to three percent.
Next, are all narcissists men? Are most narcissists women?
Well, until the 1980s, we used to believe that 75% of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are men. And this is what's written in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.
However, today we believe, and various studies substantiate this belief, we believe that about half of all people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are men and half are women.
Accordingly, the text of the fourth edition text revision and the DSM-5 and the DSM-5 text revision, the text has been revised and now it says 50% to 75% are men. It leaves space to an amendment in the DSM-6 which would ultimately accept the fact that half of all narcissists are women.
When I say narcissists, this word is and should be limited only to people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. You cannot apply this word to your obnoxious neighbor or your insufferable spouse.
Narcissist is someone diagnosed by a qualified trained diagnostician or clinician, diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, having been subjected to specific psychological tests and structured interviews.
End of story. Everyone else is not a narcissist.
And no, you are not qualified to diagnose narcissists. Never mind how much you consider yourself to be an expert. You are not qualified or trained to diagnose people with any mental illness.
You know who does this? Narcissists do that. They pretend to have knowledge which they do not possess. And then they go around pathologizing people as a way of devaluing them.
So don't be a narcissist.
Next, what are the differences between male and female narcissists?
Well, it depends what you're asking. If you're referring topsychodynamic differences, psychological differences, they are none.
Women narcissists and men narcissists, female and male narcissists are psychologically indistinguishable. They're precisely the same.
However, behaviorally, behavioral female narcissists are different to male narcissists.
And this is to do with a culture, with society, with our civilization, with societal norms and mores and expectations, with upbringing and education, with opportunities, etc. Nothing to do with psychology.
Female narcissists behave in a way which is different to male narcissists, not because they are psychologically different, not because there's a different psychological foundation, but because culture and society redirect female energies in highly specific ways.
Next, at what age can narcissism be diagnosed?
I can tell you at what age it cannot be diagnosed.
You cannot diagnose children with narcissistic personality disorder. Not safely at least.
You cannot diagnose adolescents with narcissistic personality disorder. Not safely at least.
And the reason is that in childhood and adolescence, narcissism is a healthy part of development. There is healthy narcissism.
Children and adolescents are grandiose. They explore the world. They have an impaired reality testing. They resemble narcissists very much, but they're not. It's not a pathology. It's a healthy stage of development.
We therefore, the consensus therefore, is that you should not diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder prior to age 18. I'm sorry, there are many scholars who believe that you should not diagnose with NPD prior to age 21, 25, and even 29.
Next, are all psychopaths narcissists?
No.
Many self-styled experts, charlatans and similar, with and without academic degrees, would tell you that all psychopaths are narcissists. That's because they know nothing about narcissism and even less about psychopathy.
Narcissists and psychopaths share a few trait domains, a few characteristics and a few behaviors.
For example, narcissists and primary psychopaths, Factor 1 psychopaths, are both grandiose.
But these traits and behaviors are shared by many other mental illnesses, in many other mental illnesses.
For example, grandiosity is common in the manic face of bipolar disorder. Grandiosity is also common in borderline personality disorder.
So a small percentage of psychopaths are also narcissists. These are known as malignant narcissists. And it's a comorbidity.
And a small percentage of narcissists are also psychopaths. There is a comorbidity between psychopathy and narcissism.
And when I say a small percentage perhaps you would disagree it's not so small maybe we're talking about anywhere between 10 and 20 percent but the vast majority of psychopaths are not narcissists and the vast majority of narcissists definitely are not psychopaths and anyone who tells you differently is no idea what they're talking about end of story.
By the way before I proceed a similar caveat applies to borderlines. Small minority of borderlines are also narcissists and vice versa.
Okay, sorry. Next question.
Are narcissists evil? Are they demonic? Are they insane?
Well, these are three different questions. See, three separate questions.
Scott Peck in his book the people of the lie suggested that narcissism is just another name for what we used to call evil and so narcissists acting ways that hurt and damage other people they seem to not care about other people they definitely lack affective empathy the ability to empathize with people's emotions, including negative emotions. People are sad, people are hurt, people are in pain. The narcissist seems to be indifferent to all this.
However, most of the behaviors of narcissists are motivated unconsciously. Most of them are automatic. Most of them are predetermined and prescribed.
And so while narcissists are perfectly capable of telling right from wrong, absolutely, most of the time they don't aim to do wrong. They don't aim to hurt people. The vast majority of narcissists are not sadistic. The vast majority of narcissists are not psychopathic. They do what they do because that's what they do. And if it hurts other people, who cares?
But they're not evil in the sense that they don't sit back at home cunning and skimming how to damage people how to break people how to take people down how to hurt people psychopaths do this say this do this narcissists don't do this.
So the answer here is a bit equivocal, but if I had to place my bets, I would say narcissists are not evil. They act in a wicked way sometimes, but they're not evil.
Are narcissists demonic? I'm sorry, I'm not into nonsense.
Are narcissists insane? That's a very interesting question.
In the Blackwell case in the United Kingdom, narcissistic personality disorder was accepted as a defense, an insanity defense.
I beg to differ. I disagree with this wholeheartedly.
Narcissists are not insane. They have an impaired reality testing. They gauge and appraise and perceive reality wrongly. They live in fantasy. They have cognitive distortions such as grandiosity. They have a very, very inflated and fantastic and distorted self-concept.
It's all true. They're a bit removed from reality, a bit divorced. But this applies to many other mental health issues such as autism spectrum disorder.
And so I wouldn't say that narcissists are insane. They're not there yet.
Although major scholars such as Kermberg suggested that they are. He suggested that narcissism and borderline are on the verge of psychosis.
This is not the prevailing view nowadays. We believe that narcissists are capable of telling right for wrong, that capable of controlling their impulses, they're capable of making decisions that would not harm and hurt other people.
And the anti-social dimension of narcissism pushes them to trample on other people to be callous and ruthless and careless and dysempathic.
It's a fact that when narcissists are placed in environments such as prison or the military or a hospital, they change. Their narcissistic behaviors vanish. They are no longer behaviorally narcissistic, so it shows, it demonstrates conclusively that narcissists can and do control their impulses. They are able to modify their behaviors in accordance to the environment where there's a risk to life they suddenly cease to be narcissists.
One could even say, I disagree, but one could even say that narcissism is a kind of choice, is a part of the dark triad and dark tetrad personalities?
I'll give you a surprising answer. No, it is not.
If we define narcissism as narcissistic personality disorder, it is not a part of the dark triad or the dark tetrad dark personalities.
In dark triad personalities and in dark tetrad personalities, we have subclinical narcissism. These dark personalities comprise subclinical narcissism, subclinical psychopathy, Machiavellianism, in other words, the tendency to manipulate people in a premeditated manner, and in the case of dark tetrad personalities, sadism.
But in all these cases, it's subclinical.
Now the word subclinical means you cannot diagnose a person with this disorder.
So when I say subclinical narcissism, actually what I'm saying, this guy or this girl, they look narcissistic, they behave in a narcissistic manner, and so on so forth, but they cannot be diagnosed as narcissists.
So dark triad and dark tetrad personalities are on the border between healthy normal personalities and narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, sadism and so on the border.
Narcissistic personality disorder is not a part of dark triad and dark tetrad.
Next, is narcissism on a spectrum or a continuum?
The answer is no.
Narcissistic personality disorder is like pregnancy. Either you have it or you don't.
However, it is true that there is something called narcissistic style. These are people whose empathy is diminished, who tend to be exploitative, envious, socially inept in some ways, and so on. So these obnoxious people, they are narcissistic, but they cannot be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
In the most extreme case, they are subclinical narcissists, narcissists who cannot be diagnosed as narcissists.
So while narcissistic traits and narcissistic behaviors are on a continuum, they do constitute a spectrum. You could have low intensity narcissistic traits, low intensity narcissistic behaviors. You can have mid-intensity narcissistic traits and narcissistic behaviors.
You cannot have low-intensity narcissistic personality disorder or mid-intensity narcissistic personality disorder, it's complete nonsense.
Either you're diagnosed or you're not, it's a binary state, end of story.
The disorder, therefore, is not on a spectrum or a continuum.
The traits and the behaviors are.
Next, can narcissists tell the difference between reality and fantasy?
The short answer is no.
Narcissists tend to confuse the border between reality and fantasy. They have an impaired reality testing. They are fully immersed in the fantasy. They believe the fantasy. They've convinced themselves, they've deceived themselves into believing that their daydreams and fantasies are real or could become real.
So here the answer is no.
The psychopath is able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. The psychopath engenders, creates fantasies for his or her victims, but still maintains full grasp of reality. The psychopath knows what he's doing. The narcissist doesn't.
As I said, narcissism is a fantasy defense. A fantasy defense gone awry, out of control.
Do narcissists gaslight? Do they future fake?
Well, no. The answer is not.
Narcissists don't gaslight and they don't future fake.
Narcissists believe their own confabulations, their own promises.
If a narcissist promises you something, it's not because it has a long-term plan to renege on the promise.
He doesn't promise you something just to manipulate you, knowing full well that he will never keep the promise. That's a psychopath.
When a narcissist promises you something, he means it. He really believes it. He is invested in it. He is committed to it.
Dynamics within narcissism make it impossible for the narcissist to keep his promises or her promises.
But that doesn't mean that when the narcissist makes a promise, he is future faking.
Similarly, narcissists fully believe in their versions of alternative reality. They try to impose these narratives of a parallel world, parallel universe, on you.
That is not gaslighting.
So narcissists don't gaslight and future fake. They're simply delusional. They believe their own lies. They believe their own fantasy. They believe their own promises. They're as misled, as deceived and as deluded as you are.
Next, are narcissists happy- go- lucky or do they suffer from an inferiority complex?
That's the $64 trillion dollar question in the study of narcissism.
There are basically two schools. One of them is on the ascendance, so this is currently becoming the consensus.
The first school is there are two types of narcissists, overt, grandiose narcissist and covert narcissist, or vulnerable narcissists, and overt, grandiose narcissists are happy-go-lucky.
They are really self-confident. They're not faking it. They're really self-confident. They are really delusional. They really believe their own grandiosity, their own fantasies, their own narratives.
And so they are egosyntonic.
While the vulnerable narcissist or the vulnerable narcissists or the covert narcissists or the shy fragile narcissist is ego discrepant or ego incongruent.
This kind of narcissist has a gap between implicit self-esteem and explicit self-esteem.
Implicit self-esteem, explicit self-esteem.
Implicitly, inside, internally, the covert narcissist feels inferior. He has an internalized bad object. He feels unworthy. He feels like an imposter, like a failure, like as though he is unlovable.
And so that's internally. Externally, the covert narcissist creates a facade, a compensatory facade of narcissism.
This was the old school.
The emerging school, which is, as I said, on ascendance, says that all narcissists and all narcissism is a psychodynamic process, they are compensatory. It's all about compensation.
Compensation for what?
For an internalized bad object, for what used to be called the primitive superego, for inferiority complex, call it as you will.
Deep inside, the narcissist is hollow and empty and feels inadequate and unlovable and so on so forth.
And he creates the false self, the seat of grandiosity, and projects an image that is the exact opposite of all this, an image of omnipotence, an image of omniscience, an image of godlike divinity, and so.
This image compensates for the internal voices that chastise and castigate and denigrate the narcissist.
It's as if the narcissist says to these voices, you're wrong. Look at me. I'm perfect. I'm brilliant. I'm drop dead gorgeous. I'm divine. And you you are wrong
So this is the school that is becoming the norm, the consensus in psychology nowadays we believe, we are beginning to believe that most narcissists if not all narcissists are actually covert, they're actually compensatory.
They have a gap between implicit and explicit self-esteem, a discrepancy, they're ego-discrepant, or ego-incongruent, or call it as you wish, they're egodystonic.
And so this is the consensus.
And then narcissists who feel utterly comfortable with themselves, who are egosyntonic, who are happy or lucky, they would be considered actually primary psychopaths, not narcissists.
We are redefining the field where what used to be called overt, grandiose narcissism, is beginning to be considered a variant of psychopathy.
Okay, next is narcissistic mortification the same as narcissistic injury?
No way whatsoever. It's like comparing cancer with, let's say, common cold.
Narcissistic injury is a pinprick. It's an attack or a perceived attack, a slight or a perceived slide, an insult or imaginary insult. An attack on a highly targeted, specific, pinpointed element in the overall grandiose narrative of the narcissist.
A disagreement, a criticism, mockery, and so on, but limited.
Also, narcissistic injury is embedded in a context. In other words, it is not a surprise.
The narcissist knows to anticipate and expect the narcissistic injury because of its source, because of the narcissist's personal history, because of something. There's a context. The harbingers of the narcissistic injury. It's fully expected. Narcissist is fully prepared for it. His grandiosity all up in arms.
Narcissistic mortification involves shaming and humiliation that are systemic. Shaming and humiliation that are systemic. Shaming and humiliation that encompass the totality of the narcissist, the totality of the grandiose narrative. Every aspect, every dimension.
The shaming is extreme, all pervasive, ubiquitous. The humiliation is unbearable and intolerable because it vitiates and negates the very pretensions and existence of the grandiose false self, the very core of the narcissist or substitute core.
So, mortification is much more extensive. It's, as I said, systemic, it's all encompassing.
Additionally, mortification is sudden, abrupt, unexpected, shocking. That's another element.
Those of you who want to delve deeper into narcissistic mortification, ignore all the nonsense online by self-styled experts and a variety of coaches. It's complete nonsense. Study the work of Libby or watch my own videos based completely on the work of Libby and other authorities on narcissistic mortification.
So now the two are not the same. The consequences of narcissistic injury and narcissistic mortification are vastly different.
Narcistic injury is overcome usually within minutes or hours, mostly by devaluing the source.
So the narcissist would say, who is this idiot? Why would I listen to her?
Narcissistic mortification is such a challenge to the narrative, the glue that holds the narcissists together, that it drives the narcissist into a state known as decompensation.
All the defenses of the narcissist shut down one after the other, and the narcissist remains defenseless and skinless and clinically becomes a borderline. Narcissus becomes emotionally disregulated, develops suicidal ideation.
And so, of course, as you can can see the outcomes are vastly different the solutions are also different in narcissistic injury the narcissist devalues the source of the injury of the injurious message or signal thereby diminishing the value and the worth and the potency of the injury.
In narcissistic mortification, there are two solutions first described by Libby, external solution and internal solution.
In the external solution, the narcissist says, the people who have mortified me, they're evil, they conspire against me, they're malevolent, they envy me, etc.
In the internal solution, the narcissists says, I'm a puppet master, they are just my puppets and my extensions, I made them behave this way. Thus, reasserting control and a sense of grandiosity.
You can see that there is nothing in common between mortification and injury.
Next, what is the difference between a failed narcissist and a collapsed narcissist?
Again, self-styled experts online with and without academic degrees get it completely wrong. They confuse collapsed narcissists with failed narcissists and vice versa, and it's a bloody mess.
A failed narcissist is a phrase first coined by Grosstein, a psychoanalyst. Grossstein suggested that borderline personality disorder is failed narcissistic personality disorder.
The child exposed to adversity, in a variety of ways, abuse, and trauma, this child attempts to develop a false self narcissistic defenses when the child fails to become a narcissist so there's a failed narcissist the child remains stuck at the borderline stage with emotional dysregulation vulnerability and so on.
So a failed narcissist is just another name for a borderline.
Collapsed narcissist is a narcissist who for some reason, internal or external, is unable to secure the regular, uninterrupted flow of high quality narcissistic supply.
When this happens, the narcissist goes into withdrawal symptoms. Narcissist is like a junkie. He is addicted to narcissistic supply.
So a collapsed narcissist becomes schizoid avoidant, he withdraws, licks his wounds, tries to develop alternative strategies to obtain narcissistic supply in whatever way possible. And so on so forth, collapsed narcissism is usually comorbid with mood disorders, depression, for example, with anxiety disorders and so on.
The collapsed narcissist goes through a very difficult stage.
In collapsed narcissism, there is also no type constancy or there is type transition. A cerebral narcissist who has collapsed may attempt to become a somatic narcissist. An overt narcissist who has endured or experienced a state of collapse may become covert for a while. And so on and so forth.
So collapsed narcissism encourages type transitions in narcissism.
Again, you see that failed narcissism and collapsed narcissism are not the same. And everyone who says otherwise is simply ignorant and probably a charlatan.
Next.
Do narcissists love their children do they adore and love their pets can they love at all?
Well that's an easy one, no. Narcissists have no access to positive emotions.
Now pay attention to what I've just said. I did not say narcissists do not have positive emotions. That's not what I said. All human beings alive have positive emotions.
The thing is that narcissists do not have access to positive emotions. They cannot access them.
And they cannot access positive emotions because early in childhood they've learned to associate positive emotions with negative outcomes. Love and pain, for example.
So they are afraid to experience positive emotions. They repress them. They ignore them. They bury them.
And they are capable of experiencing only negative affects. This is known as negative affectivity.
They are capable of experiencing anger and rage, and envy, and hatred, very well, more than healthy and normal people. It's more intense, more fiery, more motivating, but they're not capable of experiencing love.
So when the narcissist says, I love you, what does it mean?
It means you're perfect for my shared fantasy.
When the narcissist says, I love my children, I love you what does he mean he means you're perfect for my shared fantasy when the narcissist says I love my children I adore them they're my world what does he mean they are great sources of narcissistic supply when the narcissist says I love my cat or I love my dog what does he or she mean the narcissist means my dog my cat provide me with a kind of companionship and narcissistic supply because they arethe loyalty, the religions, and their love is unconditional.
So it's all about narcissistic supply. It's all about external regulation, regulating the narcissist's internal space, moods, emotions and so on, via input and feedback from the outside.
There's no love there.
Is there attachment?
Sometimes, but in most cases, the attachment style of narcissists is dismissive avoidant and insecure attachment style.
Is there any kind of bonding?
Yes, absolutely. There is trauma bonding and there is the bonding of the glue of the shared fantasy.
That's the kind of bond that we find in cults.
So it's a cult-like setting. With a narcissist as the cult leader, I compare narcissism to a private religion, whether narcissism is both the deity and the worshiper. A one-man cult or a one-man church.
Last question. Can narcissism be cured or healed?
Again, that's an easy one. That's why I left it to the end.
The answer is no.
Narcissism cannot be cured. Narcissism cannot be healed. Narcissism cannot be reversed.
There is no such thing as a recovered narcissist or a healed narcissist.
These are con artists. All of them are con artists. They're con artists because they're narcissists.
And narcissists never ever change. They can pretend. They can fake empathy. They can fake compassion, they can feign all kinds of things, they can put on a show and everything.
Do not trust them. They are lying to you.
But having said that, it is possible to modify the behaviors of the narcissists.
Given a sufficient and well-structured incentive, narcissists do change their behaviors and behavior modification in therapy, and by the way, outside therapy a relationship is perfectly possible.
The only problem is the impacts or the longevity or duration of the behavior modification they're very limited.
The narcissist is likely to change his or her behavior for a while and then revert to form.
The narcissist is a recidivist, always relapses.
And so there needs to be a constant maintenance of the behavior modification regimen.
For example, the narcissist needs to attend therapy periodically, or the narcissist's intimate partner needs to have conversations with a partner on a periodical, cyclical basis just to maintain the very few accomplishments in modifying the narcissist behavior for the narcissists to become less exploitative, less abrasive, less antisocial, less obnoxious, less unpleasant.
So the short and the long of it, narcissists cannot be healed, cannot be cured. There's no such thing as a recovered narcissist. It's all BS, online BS.
But it is possible to modify the behaviors of the narcissist which makes it difficult to survive with narcissists, to coexist with narcissists, to cooperate with narcissists, to have a partnership with the narcissist, to be in a couple with the narcissist and to be the a couple with the narcissists, and to be the narcissist friend.
These behaviors can be modified.
However, the modification is short-term and needs to be constantly refueled and maintained.
This is the short and the long of it.
Now, tally up your points and see to which category you belong.
If you want additional questions answered or additional answers questioned, just write them down in the comments section.