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Reverse Your Helplessness in Narcissistic Abuse (with Jacqui Yates, Circles)

Uploaded 1/14/2025, approx. 6 minute read

Recording in progress, that's us.

Welcome, Sam.

Thank you, Jane.

I welcome everyone.

I'm Jackie Yates, your host and guide for today's conversation. I am a therapist with years of experience, facilitating group therapy and including support groups for circles. Circles is a leading platform providing safe and supportive group therapy spaces for those navigating narcissistic abuse. I am thrilled and honored to have Professor Sam Vaknin with me again today. Sam is a renowned expert in the field of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

So Sam, I am thrilled to have you to share your deep insights into our discussion today around narcissistic patterns and tactics in relationships.

Thank you for your courage and patience in having me again. I'm happy to be here with you. That's an honor.


So I thought Sam, just before we go, you know, into the patterns and tactics, I thought just looking at differentiating or distinguishing between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, briefly.

I thought that, you know, for me, narcissism is more of a personality trait that most people live with to some degree. And like any trait, it exists on a spectrum. So, you know, on one end, you can have a healthy narcissism where a person has a positive sense of themselves. And then on the other end, there's a pathological or maladaptive narcissism where you would have a negative impact on how you view yourself and relationships, and all the world.

And then I think NPD or narcissistic personality disorder would be a more extreme and inflexible pattern of behavior that would significantly impair interpersonal relationships and functioning.

And that, I don't know if you would like to give your opinion and how you view it.

Well, I'm a professor of clinical psychology, and so we frown on opinions. We try to stick to studies and what we can learn by observing people and working with them and so and so forth.

Today we tend to, in contemporary literature, we tend to distinguish between narcissistic style, narcissistic disorder, and narcissistic trait domains.

So to start with, you are right that there have been many prominent scholars, such as Heinz Kohut and others. Jung is one of them who suggested that there is such a thing as healthy narcissism, and that healthy narcissism underlies what we call self-esteem and self-confidence and an integrated self-concept.

In other words, a view of oneself as continuous in time and as cohesive. This view of oneself, this me or I, this relies crucially on healthy narcissism.

However, we deal mostly with pathological narcissism, and we tend to generalize and say that narcissism in adulthood is mostly pathological.

And then we distinguish between, as I said, three manifestations of pathological narcissism.

One is the narcissistic style, first described by Lammers Perry. And the narcissistic style is simply what we call obnoxious or a-holes. Very, very unpleasant peopleto be around, to interact with, to share a life with, to collaborate with, and so on. People who are impossible, dysempathic, exploitative, full of themselves, etc.

However, this is not necessarily a pathology. It's more of a temperament or a character or a... It's a style. That's why we call it a style.

Then we have narcissistic trait domains. Trait domains, for example, anankastia. Anankastia is obsessive-compulsive features. We have, for example, desociality, also known in America as antisociality. So psychopathic features of narcissism. Then we have antagonism.

Narcissists are conflict-prone because they're very fragile internally. They tend to be defensive about who they are and how they are perceived by others. So that creates a lot of antagonism and conflict.

So these are traits. And we divide all these traits into domains. And there you are right, the traits lie on a spectrum. There is a continuum. The trait could be emphasized, the trait could be latent, the trait could be mild, the trait could be extreme.

But this applies only to traits.

And then we have narcissistic personality disorder.

And that's very misleading because we tend to associate narcissistic personality disorder with trait domains or with the personality style, and it is not or should not be associated with these things.

Narcissistic personality disorder was first described by Heinz Kohut, the aforementioned Kohut in the 70s, and it is a severe mental illness that involves psychological dynamics and types of constructs, personality constructs, which are extremely malformed and maladaptive and rigid and problematic and so on.

So in contemporary thinking, we do not regard narcissistic personality disorder as lying on the same spectrum as narcissistic style or narcissistic traits. We don't at all. We believe that narcissistic personality disorder is its own clinical entity. And it doesn't lie on a spectrum. Either you have narcissistic personality disorder or you don't. It's like pregnancy.

So this is the background, generally speaking, but it creates a lot of confusion.

Now, segwing into our topic, it creates a lot of confusion because we will come across other people with personality styles, other people with narcissistic personalities and say, that's a narcissistic, or they come across people with narcissistic traits, such as antagonism or antisociality or dissociality. They're a narcissists, and these people are not narcissists. They're obnoxious. They're jerks. They're a-holes. I mean, use any epithet. But they're not narcissists. They are not and cannot be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

In the most extreme cases, we call them subclinical narcissists. So in dark triad personalities and dark tetral personalities, there is subclinical narcissism, narcissistic traits and narcissistic style that cannot be diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder.

That was a very long answer to a very short question, which is a problem with me.

Not, but very, very, very important, because a lot of the time in the groups, you know, people.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

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Narcissists reject empathy and intimacy because it challenges their grandiosity, and they become paranoid and aggressive when someone tries to be intimate with them. Narcissists lack empathy and access to positive emotions, leading to a truncated version of empathy called "cold empathy." Narcissists are self-aware but lack the incentive to get rid of their narcissism, and therapy is more focused on accommodating the needs of the narcissist's nearest and dearest. Cold Therapy is experimental and limited, as it removes the false self but does not develop empathy or improve the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.


Narcissists Hard to Spot

Narcissistic personality disorder is difficult to isolate with certainty, and it is important to distinguish between inherent traits and reactive patterns. Narcissism is considered pathological only when it becomes a rigid personality structure with primitive defense mechanisms and leads to dysfunctions in one or more areas of life. Pathological narcissism is the art of deception, and the narcissist projects a false self to manage social interactions. Victims of narcissists often find themselves involved before discovering the narcissist's true nature, and the narcissist emits subtle signals even on a first or casual encounter.


Narcissism: What's Left to Learn? (with Peter Kolakowski, Deutschlandfunk Kultur)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is described as an all-pervasive condition that defines the individual, leaving them with a sense of emptiness and fraudulence when faced with narcissistic mortification. This mortification occurs under specific conditions, such as public humiliation, suddenness, and the presence of valued others, leading to a brief emotional dysregulation where the narcissist becomes vulnerable. However, they quickly restore their grandiosity through either internal or external narratives, reactivating their defenses and returning to their false self. While narcissism can be seen as a positive adaptation in a narcissistic society, the majority of narcissists ultimately face negative outcomes due to their inability to connect with others and their reliance on fantasy.


Criminalize Narcissistic Abuse? (with Dr. Yana Greenberg, Be Honest Podcast)

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with subclinical narcissistic styles being common and not reaching the severity of narcissistic personality disorder, which is a serious mental illness. The distinction between narcissism as a clinical construct and as a societal organizing principle is crucial, as it allows for a better understanding of behaviors in various contexts, including politics and relationships. Narcissistic behaviors should not be pathologized as mental illness but rather recognized as social dysfunctions that can harm individuals and society, necessitating a shift in how we address and respond to them. Protecting oneself from narcissistic individuals involves recognizing gut instincts, observing their treatment of others, and maintaining personal boundaries, as narcissists often manipulate and test limits to assert control.


How Narcissist/Psychopath Sees YOU, his Victim, and Why Borderlines Adore Them

Narcissists experience a distorted reality where they cannot distinguish between their grandiose fantasies and actual experiences, leading them to idealize partners as a reflection of their own self-worth. In contrast, psychopaths lack genuine emotions and manipulate others for personal gain, often discarding them once their goals are achieved. Borderline individuals oscillate between narcissistic and psychopathic traits, reacting to perceived rejections with intense emotional dysregulation and a desire to inflict pain on others. The dynamics between these personality types create complex and often destructive relationships, with each seeking validation or control in different ways.


Meet the Narcissist: Issues in Narcissism

Narcissistic personality disorder is difficult to treat due to the pervasiveness of autological narcissism in every aspect of the personality. The narcissist's resistance to authority figures such as therapists makes treatment almost unattainable. Narcissism is often comorbid with other disorders such as depression, substance abuse, and reckless behavior patterns. While some of these problems can be treated with medication and talk therapy, the core defense mechanisms of the narcissist are untouchable. Narcissism is a vicious circle.


8 Things You are Getting WRONG about Your Narcissist (EXCERPT)

Lying is often misunderstood in the context of narcissism, with many myths propagated by unqualified individuals online. Narcissists develop their traits through specific childhood experiences and possess a unique form of empathy, along with a deep fear of abandonment. Their grandiosity is centered on being perceived as unique rather than the best, and they can exhibit pro-social behaviors despite their self-centered tendencies. Understanding the complexities of their motivations and the reasons behind their actions can lead to a more nuanced view of their behavior, rather than attributing it solely to their personality disorder.


Borderline Mislabels Her Emotions (as do Narcissist, Psychopath)

Empathy is inversely related to the ability to recognize emotions in others, meaning that as empathy increases, the capacity to accurately read others' emotions decreases. Individuals with cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissists and borderlines, possess distorted forms of empathy that hinder their emotional understanding and labeling, leading to significant cognitive and emotional deficits. These individuals often mislabel their emotions, rely on dysfunctional coping mechanisms, and experience emotional dysregulation, resulting in inappropriate affect and a lack of genuine emotional connection. Ultimately, their emotional experiences are characterized by a cognitive analysis rather than true emotive engagement, leaving them disconnected from the richness of human emotional experience.

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