My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
I am the author of Cold Therapy, and I am the author of Cold Therapy. I am the author of Cold Therapy, and I am the author of Cold Therapy. I am the author of Cold Therapy, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.
There is no such thing as an angelic and pure good mother. The good mother is always present, and the bad mother says she is merely taken for granted.
You don't even pay enough attention to her to notice if she is actually there. She is like a fixture, a piece of furniture.
The good mother is predictable, reliable and consistent, and the bad mother says these are polite terms for being boring.
The good mother is emotionally safe.
The bad mother says that is a euphemism for being not exciting or adventurous.
The good mother is considerate and empathic, and the bad mother laughs and says you expect her to be prescient and predict your needs and wishes even before you yourself had become aware of them.
This would never happen.
So you either deceive yourself or end up being mightily disappointed.
The good mother is concerned, involved, compassionate and caring, and the bad mother says she is probably vigilant or paranoid, which drives her to spy on you and to try to control your every move.
The good mother provides unconditional love. She loves the child regardless of ease of her performance in fulfilling her expectations.
And the bad mother, what does she have to say? She says this kind of behavior amounts to spoiling the child. It may be pleasant in the short term, but deleterious later in life.
Love should be conditioned for good behavior and performance. It is the only way to face the hostile, merciless world out there.
Tough love is the only form of real love.
And now, to the qualities and behaviors of the bad mother.
Notice how the good son or daughter justify them.
The bad mother, as seen by her children, provides transactional love, conditioned on the child's performance in meeting her expectations and fulfilling her wishes and needs.
What does the good son or daughter have to say about it?
They say, she has my welfare in mind. She is merely training me to survive.
Tough luck. The world is hostile and indifferent. People are measured solely by whether and how they perform.
Transactional love is a good preparation for life.
The bad mother is emotionally and or physically absent.
And the good son or daughter justified by saying, she is not smothering or doubting. She is giving me space to encourage and foster my personal growth and autonomy. She is not a control-free and she trusts me to get on with my life.
The good mother is capricious, arbitrary and inconsistent. Even these are justified by the good son or daughter.
They say, she is exciting to be around. She is adventurous. She is colorful.
The good mother engages in emotional victory. She is withholding. She is punitive.
And the good son or daughter, the codependents that they are, justify even this. They say, these are just desserts for having disappointed her and for having misbehaved.
I deserve what is coming to me.
She is fair. She is blameless. I am guilty. I am too blame.
The good mother offer brides and rewards for behaviors and accomplishments that conform to her wishes, fantasies, needs and expectations.
And the good son or daughter, what do they have to say about this habit?
They say, her giving is proof of her love and how much she notices and appreciates my achievements.
We had a common goal which we set to achieve together and she is very beyond.
The bad mother engenders with the child a cult-like shared psychosis, shared fantasies.
The good son or daughter say, she shielded me from painful and harmful reality with her wonderful capacity for storytelling and weaving narratives.
So they appreciate the fantasy.
The bad mother suggests to the child that they are faced with common enemies and that he or she is her true husband, romantic or intimate partner or friend.
This borders on emotional incest.
The good son or daughter say, my mother has always been my best friend. She made me feel unique. She could rely on and trust no one but me.
We had a special bond. We were united against the whole world or at least against my monstrous noble father. She made me feel that I am her one and only true love and passion.
Finally, the bad mother makes the child horrendous and displays neediness and clinging. She becomes the child.
The good son or daughter justifies this.
They say, she had sacrificed her life for me. She needs me now. She cannot cope without me and I am here for her.
Every bad quality of the bad mother is justified, explained and put in benign context by the good son or daughter who by now can become co-dependence.
Every good quality of the good mother is rendered bad, cynically vicious by the voice of the bad mother embedded deeply in the minds of children of narcissists.
In this sense, the narcissist is always with the child, dead or alive.