Background

Codependent's Inner Voice: "I Can't Live Without Him/Her"

Uploaded 8/30/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I wrote the following entry for her blog as a guest author.

First, such an addiction is an organizing principle. It serves to explain behaviors and events within a coherent narrative, a fictional story, or a frame of reference.

So, people would say, I acted this way because.

Second, this dependence or addiction gives meaning to life.

Third, the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills.

Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional ability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.

So, while you can surely survive without your intimate partner, you believe erroneously that you cannot go on living without your addiction to him or her.

You experience your dependence as a warm and familiar comfort zone. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, not on your partner.

But you attribute the source of this dependence, the source of this addiction to boyfriends, maids, spouses, children, parents, anyone who happens to fit the bill, and the plot of your narrative.

But the truth is that they come and go. Your addiction remains intact. They are interchangeable. Your dependence is immutable.

So, what can you do about it?

Extreme cases of co-dependence, known as dependent or borderline personality disorders, require professional help. Luckily, most people with dependent traits and behaviors are clustered somewhere in the middle of a spectrum of dependence.

Here are a few simple rules.

First of all, help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to an end when relationships do. It is your dependence which reacts with desperation, without you.

Next, analyze your addiction. What are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light, words and all? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been dramatically abandoned in the past as a child, perhaps?

Write down and describe the worst possible scenario. The relationship is over and he or she leaves you. For good.

Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not.

Number four, make a list of all the consequences of the breakup.

In right, next to each result and outcome, what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.

Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions. Good luck.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Fight Abandonment and Separation Anxiety

Codependent behaviors such as clinging and smothering are rooted in a deep fear of abandonment and separation. To overcome this, codependents must confront their anxieties through psychotherapy, medication, and self-help methods such as meditation and engaging in meaningful activities. Codependents should also adopt a scientific approach to their relationships, construct alternative hypotheses, and test them before making impulsive decisions. The longevity of long-term relationships lies in being transparent and expressing emotions and concerns honestly. Finally, codependents should prepare detailed contingency plans for every eventuality to reduce anxiety and gain control.


Issues and Goals in the Treatment of Dependent Personality Disorder (Codependence, or Codependency)

Codependency is a complex behavioral pattern characterized by an excessive reliance on others for emotional support and self-worth, often leading to unhealthy relationships. It manifests in various forms, including clinginess, fear of abandonment, and a tendency to merge identities with significant others, which can result in self-neglect and emotional instability. There are different categories of codependents, each stemming from unique psychological processes, such as those driven by abandonment anxiety or a need for control. Additionally, counter-dependence represents a reaction against authority and intimacy, often resulting in aggressive behaviors and a distorted sense of self-worth. Ultimately, addressing codependency involves recognizing these patterns, seeking therapy, and developing healthier attachment styles.


Borderline Codependent: Clinging Child, Punitive Parent

Codependency in parents can lead to children who only receive conditional love based on their performance. This can result in a child who is objectified and treated as an extension of the parent. The child learns that to obtain affection, they must perform, leading to a lack of self-love. This can result in a psychopath, passive-aggressive personality disorder, masochistic adult, or an adult with depressive disorders. Codependents often experience extreme abandonment anxiety and swing between self-effacing and explosive behaviors due to divided loyalties between their partner and internalized parent.


Codependent No More: Situational Codependence

Co-dependent behaviors can emerge in individuals following significant life crises, such as divorce or the departure of children, leading to a fear of loneliness and abandonment. This situational co-dependence manifests as a conflict between the conscious desire for independence and the unconscious dread of being alone, prompting individuals to seek new relationships indiscriminately. To cope with this anxiety, they may choose unsuitable partners, ultimately proving their wrongness and freeing themselves from co-dependence while restoring their sense of self-control. Despite feeling unhappy with their co-dependent traits, these individuals strive to reclaim their autonomy and self-worth through this cycle of relationship choices.


Codependence and Dependent Personality Disorder

Co-dependence is a complex multi-faceted and multi-dimensional defense against the co-dependence fears and needs. There are four types of co-dependence: abandonment, control, vicarious, and counter-dependent. The dependent personality disorder is a much disputed mental health diagnosis, and clinicians use subjective terms such as craving, clinging, stifling, humiliating, and submissive. Codependents are possessed with fantastic worries and concerns and are paralyzed by their abandonment anxiety and fear of separation.


How Codependent Sees YOU (Intimate Partner)

The codependent views their intimate partner as essential for survival, expressing a deep reliance on them for emotional support and decision-making. This dependence manifests as emotional blackmail, where the codependent demands constant reassurance and validation, often sacrificing their own identity and autonomy in the process. Various types of codependency exist, including those driven by fears of abandonment, control, vicarious living through others, and counter-dependence, each with distinct behaviors and motivations. Ultimately, the codependent's need for connection leads to a cycle of clinginess and instability, often resulting in unhealthy relationship dynamics.


Why is Codependent Clingy, Needy? (w/Daria Zukowska, Clinical Psychologist)

Co-dependency, often referred to as dependent personality disorder, involves a complex internal dynamic where an individual embodies both a punitive inner parent and a wounded inner child, leading to a struggle for emotional regulation and identity. This internal conflict manifests in relationships, as the codependent seeks to merge with their partner, outsourcing their ego functions and relying on the partner for reality testing and emotional stability. The codependent's dependency is not merely on external relationships but is deeply rooted in their internal dynamics, which often leads to indecisiveness, anxiety, and a fear of abandonment. Therapy is essential for individuals with co-dependency to address these issues, as self-diagnosis and treatment by unqualified individuals can exacerbate their condition.


Why Do We Stay in Abusive Relationships? The Sunk Cost Fallacy or Bias

The sunk-cost bias or sunk-cost fallacy or the concord fallacy is the tendency to remain in bad relationships, even if they are abusive, sexless, loveless, or doomed. This bias is motivated by malignant optimism, an over-estimation of the probabilities of positive outcomes if we just keep going or keep doing something differently. It is a particularly pernicious brand of loss aversion, the proclivity to avoid waste. The rational thing to do is to cut your losses and abandon the dysfunctional relationship, but surprisingly few people do so in time, resulting in wrecked marriages, hateful exes, bruised children, and crumbling enterprises.


When Love Resembles Hate: Self-deception, Ambivalence, Dissonances

Love and hatred are fundamentally intertwined emotions, often perceived as opposites but actually representing two sides of the same coin. Both emotions create attachment and meaning in life, leading to ambivalence where individuals can simultaneously love and hate the same person or situation. This ambivalence generates various forms of dissonance, including cognitive, volitional, emotional, axiological, deontic, and attitudinal dissonance, which can result in anxiety and confusion. The inability to reconcile these conflicting feelings may indicate underlying mental health issues or dysfunctional relational patterns.


If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You

The text describes a relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable and causes pain and rejection. The person craves love and intimacy but pushes the other person away and hurts them first. The relationship is described as a form of self-harm, but the other person cannot let go. The relationship is a mix of good times and bad times, and the person is described as fleeting and penumbral.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy