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If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You

Uploaded 8/7/2020, approx. 3 minute read

He is handsome, yet he is dead. His eyes are twin, infinite, dark tunnels, tunnels leading to the netherworld of his void, his emptiness, the howling winds in the corridors that lead to nothing but a hole of mirrors, reflection upon reflection, and you in there reflection as well.

And the twinkle in his irises, that is also a reflection, a reflection of your tears, and his smile ruptures his face, tears your heart apart, and you are reduced to smithereens, a frozen, grimaced scream in a surrealistic nightmare that once used to be a dream, as you recall, ever so vaguely.

He is an absence, he is chaos, he is unadulterated anguish, he is your shattered fantasy, he is your shattered life. He craves love, he craves intimacy, oh so he says, but then he pushes you away, enraged by your presumptuousness in offering him both.

And he fears hurt, he dreads pain and rejection and abandonment, and so he hurts you first. He busts in your agony and in your writhing, writhing, writhing.

He preemptively rejects and abandons you, renders you transparent, ethereal, less and less real by the minute, and you dissolve, and you dissolve in his distracted, faraway gaze, as he contemplates your insignificance, and your heart is broken, and your mind is splintered.

You shrivel like a plant as you inhale the toxic fumes of his non-being, his despondent and hopeless darkness, a miasmatic emanation, a life rejected, a night without dawn in his sunless, arctic days, in his cancer, circle of cancer.

And so frozen, frozen to your bones, to your marrow, to your essence, you shiver involuntarily and uncontrollably, his tremors, his earthquake in you, the aftershocks.

And the relationship with him, you know, you know it well, is a form of self-harm, self-mutilation, and yet, and yet, you cannot let go. He is death. He is demise by a thousand invisible paper cuts, and you are become eruptive, infuriated scar tissue.

You are a wound where a person used to exist.

Sometimes, and that's the reason that you're staying, sometimes he is an ephemeral little child, hearing lacrimos from behind the wall of torment that passes for his soul.

One eye, one eye behind the corner, the corner of your relationship.

Sometimes, sometimes, beautiful times, precious times, he is all hugs, all tender need, cuddling, and tucking in, and cheeks, and laughs, and the good times, and the good times of apparent love, and you fall for it, you want it so badly.

He wants it so badly.

So, you both acquiesce, and you both cooperate, and you both collaborate, and you both collude in this conspiracy, and it's not a theory.

And then he's gone. This moment recedes, remits, reverts, relapses. It's a shape-shifting and pregnant cloud behind the event horizon of his devouring black hole.

And he is penumbral. He is fleeting, he is an apparition, a remembrance of things past, the crumbling sepia dust of what could have been, the promise unkempt, unkempt.

It's an eerie, disembodied, dismembered dance, the music wafting, your former selves entwined.

And on and on you go, as the night wears thin, and the day refuses to embark.

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Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.


Love Addiction: Craving Infatuation, Limerence

Love addiction is a complex and relatively new topic in psychopathology, characterized by an individual's maladaptive and pervasive interest in romantic partners, often leading to a lack of control and negative consequences. Love addicts often fall in love with fantasies or complete strangers, and their addiction leads to extreme emotional dysregulation and unboundaried behavior. The role of fantasy in love addiction is significant, and it is closely related to codependency and other issues. Treatment for love addiction is still limited, but cognitive behavior therapy and support groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous may help some individuals.


How to Overcome Obsessive Love Disorder

Obsessive love is a pathological and dysfunctional form of love that is reminiscent of addiction. The main characteristic of obsessive love is the inability to put an end to it. It is a form of extreme hatred and a suicide act. Obsessive love is a reenactment of early childhood conflicts, mummy issues usually or later life conflicts with parental figures, including daddy issues. It's about regressing back to childhood.


Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.


How Narcissist Abuses Your Love, Rejects It ( Borderlines, Codependents, People Pleasers, Too)

Bad object internalization is common to narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, codependency, people pleasers, and parentified children. The bad object is a cluster of introjects, internal representations of significant others, that coalesce and if the messages are negative, it can lead to a child internalizing a bad object whose main message is "you're not lovable." These children learn to associate love with rejection, pain, hurt, humiliation, public shaming, shame, guilt, and negative affectivity. Later in life, these adults become slaves to the bad object, and the bad object becomes the Northern Star, the Lord Star, the guiding light.


Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.


Forgive the Narcissist?

To preserve one's mental health, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning, grieving, and forgiving. All stages of grieving are necessary, but it is equally bad to get fixated on rage. Forgiving is an important capability, but it should not be a universal indiscriminate believer. Human relationships are dynamic, and we must reassess and reassess our relationships on a daily basis.


Sexual Arousal? Only When Cheating on the Spouse

Some people only enjoy sex when they cheat on their spouses. These individuals were conditioned in their formative years to associate intimacy with risk, deception, and adrenaline. They require a narrative or script to become sexually aroused and often assume the role of a promiscuous and treacherous prostitute. Ironically, they are inordinately attached to their emotionally thwarted, co-dependent, and enabling spouses and need them to remain married to fully enjoy sex.


Love as Addiction (Global Conference on Addiction and Behavioural Health, London)

Love is an addiction that is similar to substance abuse, with changes in behavior that are reminiscent of psychosis. Passionate love closely imitates substance abuse biochemically. The same areas of the brain are active when abusing drugs and when in love. Falling in love is an exercise in proxy incest and a vindication of Freud's much maligned early puss and electro complexes.


Tips: Can't Live without My Narcissist

Professor Sam Vaknin advises those in a relationship with a narcissist to count their losses and blessings and get away, but if they insist on staying, he offers advice. He suggests never disagreeing with the narcissist, never offering real intimacy, and admiring the narcissist for their achievements. He also advises being patient, emotionally and financially independent, and treating the narcissist like a spoiled brat. Finally, he suggests knowing oneself and developing strategies to minimize harm.

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