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Deja-vu: Fight Back Gaslighting, Messing with YOUR Mind

Uploaded 4/25/2022, approx. 28 minute read

Some of you may have noticed that my videos come replete with advertising. This is not my call. This is not my decision. YouTube forcibly is placing advertisements in and on my videos against my express settings and not sharing the revenue with me. This is another act of bullying by YouTube, a cross-commercialization of what should have been an educational and social platform. There's nothing I can do about it. It's out of my hands. I apologize to all of you for this new, fangled experience on my channel. I've kept it advertising-free for well over 12 years, but now there's been a change in the terms of service of Google, and now they can do whatever they want with my videos without any need for my permission and without sharing the income with me.

From YouTube to gaslighting, a very similar topic if you ask me.


Today we're going to discuss GoDeep into the topic of gaslighting. We're going to expose a series of techniques either to unmentioned anywhere on the internet and largely even in scholarly literature.

It starts with an article published in the Washington Post. The article is titled, Gaslighting: How to Recognize Gaslighting and Respond to It. It was authored by Angela Haupt. It says something that I've been saying over the past 10 years. It says, gaslighting made the leap from psychological lingo to trendy buzzword with the 2016 presidential campaign. More recently, it has morphed into what Ackermann calls a catch-all phrase often used incorrectly by people referring to simple disagreements over issues or interactions that don't meet gaslighting's historical definition.

Some mental health experts, continues the article, are concerned that overusing the term could obscure the abusive nature of gaslighting and reduce its power to help victims recognize ongoing manipulation. For them, for these mental health practitioners and myself included, it's important that gaslighting retain its original meaning, the experience of having your reality repeatedly challenged by someone who holds more power than you do.

We're going to expound on this later in the video, and I'm going to finish the video with a series of techniques you can use to fight back gaslighting.

Gaslighting is exactly like extending a hand and reaching into your mind and then scrambling it. It's as bad as this, and it uses a series of techniques. Some of them would be familiar to you, but you probably had never associated these techniques with gaslighting.

We start with deja vu. Deja vu is when the strange looks or sounds familiar when the unprecedented or when something that hadn't happened yet, something that you're experiencing is perceived as a past experience.

So when a present experience is perceived as a past experience, now we can do it with words. For example, I keep using the word shoshanim, or a very old German word which I've just invented, Geschlimf, which means to destroy, devastate, Geschlimf.

The more often I use these words, at least Geschlimf is an nonsensical word, but the more often I use these words, the more familiar they become.

It's when the strange begins to look familiar. Deja vu is a French word. It expresses the feeling that one has lived through a present situation before.

Some people, of course, immediately interpret deja vu as a kind of paranormal or supernatural experience, a precognition or a prophecy. But in reality, it's an anomaly or memory. There's a strong sense of having been here, of a recollection, the time, the place, the smells, the tastes, the ambience, the sounds, everything.

The practical context of the previous experience seems to apply to the current experience, but this is because of uncertainty, because of the impossibility of it all.

I will come to it in a minute and I will explain how deja vu is applied in gaslighting by abusers.

Now, gaslighting is much more typical of psychopaths than narcissists.

Narcissists believe their own lies, they confabulate, and so they adopt and appropriate their lies, and then they defend their lies vehemently if you challenge them.

Psychopaths are goal-oriented. They know exactly what they're doing, and the aim of gaslighting is to unsettle you, to destabilize you, and to allow the psychopath to introduce into your mind anything he wishes.

Again, shortly we will discuss how this is done.


There are two types of deja vu, the pathological one, which is frequently associated with epilepsy, and it is usually prolonged or frequent. There's other symptoms involved, there are other symptoms like hallucinations. It's an indicator of a neurological or psychiatric illness. That's not the kind of deja vu I'm talking about. The deja vu I'm talking about is non-pathological. It happens to healthy people.

Actually, two-thirds of the population have had a deja vu experience one or more.

Now, we know the deja vu happens when there is dislocation, when there is disorientation, and therefore there's a close affinity between deja vu and dissociation.

For example, people who travel often or travel frequently have more deja vu experiences than the normal population. People who watch movies, movie buffs, aficionados addicted to movies, they are much more likely to experience deja vu than other people.

So detachment, dissociation are critical, and this is what the abuser does to you. What he does to you, he detaches you from your own experiences, from your own reality, and this renders his reality familiar to you.

Because you can't really compare his reality to your reality, you tend to lie to yourself, to deceive yourself into believing that his reality is normal, has always been there, is familiar.

That's a very important point that you need to understand.

What gas lighting involves is not only a divorce between you and your reality testing. It involves a substitution effect.

The abuser provides you with an alternative to your own experience, to your own world, to your own reality, to your own universe. And because you had been detached from your roots, so to speak, because the abuser obliterates your own memory, challenges your own identity.

If his reality becomes like a life raft, you cling on to his reality because you have no alternative.

The first stage in gas lighting is destroying who you are, destroying your trust in yourself, destroying your perception of reality and your reality testing, destroying your self-efficacy, your ability to operate in the environment in order to extract positive outcomes.

You begin to disbelieve yourself. You begin to distance yourself from yourself, a process known as estrangement.

And then the abuser comes into this picture, anomalous picture of derealization, depersonalization and amnesia that he had induced in you. He had induced these dissociative states in you.

So then he comes and says, well, I have a solution for you. I have a solution for you. You are very ill-at-ease. You depersonalize. You realize I have a solution here. Let me give you my reality, my world, my universe, my perceptions, my experiences, my interpretation of what's happening.

And because you don't have your own alternative anymore, you cling to his.

People who tend to experience deja vu are often fragile, invulnerable. They are depressed, they're anxious, they're stressed, they're under high pressure.

Research clearly shows that the experience of deja vu is associated with other mental health conditions, however transient. It also decreases with age. We are less amenable to such manipulation as we grow older because the weight of cumulative experience is too great, too big for a single abuser to undermine.

Abuse via gaslighting, therefore, leverages, takes advantage of our vulnerability, our fragility, our brittleness, our anxiety and our depression in order to supplant our existence in one reality with another.

It is a form of metaverse. It is a virtual reality.

Gaslighting is about creating a virtual reality and then convincing you that it's the only reality in existence.

One of the main tools the abuser uses, however unknowingly, to accomplish his goal is entraining.

I've mentioned entraining in several videos and in my dialogues with Richard Grannon.

Entraining is a process of coordinating brain waves. Now usually entraining clones brain waves via music. When people play the same music or listen to the same music, there's a total synchronization of their relevant brain waves and this is entraining.

But I suggested, and I still do, that entraining can be accomplished with other sounds, not only music, for example, verbal abuse. If verbal abuse has a refrain, if it has a rhythm, if it has a kind of embedded harmony, then one can conceive of verbal abuse as a form of music.

And this leads to a phenomenon known as semantic satiation. Semantic satiation. Semantic satiation is a psychological phenomenon where repetition causes word or phrase to lose meaning for the listener. If you repeat the same word thousands of times, ultimately you will discover to your shock and consternation that the word means nothing to you.

We perceive repeated speech as meaningless sounds and this is exactly the power of entraining because verbal abuse, repeated ad nauseam, repeated constantly becomes sound. It becomes music which essentially is meaningless and therefore, therefore, it penetrates your linguistic defenses. It goes deep into your reptile brain, down to the brainstem. Music stimulates very ancient areas of the brain in addition to the neocortex and the prefrontal cortex, but very ancient parts of the brain.

That's the power of music. That's why we react to music so profoundly and emotionally and the repetition of the verbal abuse renders it meaningless.

So our linguistic centers disengage and instead we perceive these words as a form of wall of sound, as a kind of music.

Extended inspection, extended analysis, for example, staring at a word or looking at a phrase for a very long period of time has the same effect like repetition. Exactly the same effect, semantic satiation.

When we are exposed to written or verbal abuse repeatedly, it loses its meaning and it becomes music and it entrains our brain. It coordinates our brainwaves, the brainwaves of our abuser.

In the cortex, verbal repetition arouses a specific neural pattern that corresponds to the meaning of the word.

Rapid repetition makes both the peripheral sensory motor activity and the central neural activation fire repeatedly and this causes what we know as reactive inhibition. This is a reduction in the intensity and sensitivity of the activity with each repetition.

Habituation is like if you put pressure on your arm, at first you feel the pressure, but after a while you get used to it and it no longer registers.

James Jacobovits called it in 1962, experimental neuro semantics. There are numerous studies that have substantiated every single word I've just said. I'm referring you to Jacobovits, an early study, but also Piloti, Antrobus, and Daft in 1997, and Kuenos in 2000, and numerous others. This is a well-substantiated phenomenon.


And so by entraining, semantically satiating you, the abuser creates a coordination, a synchronicity between his brainwaves and yours, which grants him total access to your mind and allows him to obliterate your previous identity, memories, experiences, perceptions and to supplant, to substitute them with his own, a good description of gaslighting.

And in this process, the abuser acquires authority. There's a power asymmetry because of intermittent reinforcement in trauma bonding. The abuser is on top. So there is a power gradient. We're going to discuss it later when we come to classic theories of gaslighting.

So the first mechanism is deja vu.

The second mechanism used in gaslighting is exactly the opposite. Je me vu. Je me vu. Never saw. The familiar is made to look or to sound strange.

Again, it's a French phrase. I don't know why the French. Why French? Why they caught on to all these techniques and mechanisms, but it's a fact. It means never seen. It's experiencing a situation that one recognizes in some fashion, but that nonetheless seems novel, unsettling, and familiar, anxiety inducing.

It is the opposite of deja vu. Je me vu involves a sense of eeriness, creepiness. There's an impression of experiencing something for the first time, despite knowing rationally that you had experienced it before several times.

So je me vu also is associated with aphasia, amnesia, epilepsy. So it's a dissociative state exactly like deja vu.

And like deja vu, the abuser induces in you je me vu. It is precisely the abuser's ability to produce conflicting states of mind, conflicting dissociations that gives him his immense power over you.

Je me vu is commonly experienced when a person momentarily does not recognize a word, a sound, a sight, a place, a time that they know that they know. They just don't feel that they know.

So there's a divorce between cognition and perception of emotion, perception of sense.

On the one hand, you know that you've been here before. You know you've done that before. You know you've experienced it before, but you don't feel that you had.

So this creates a divorce between you and reality. And it is this daylight between your perception of yourself and your perception of reality, this crack, this abyss that allows the abuser to get through and enter your mind.

Anyone repeatedly writing or saying a specific word out loud has this notion. It begins to feel like no way is this a real word. No way I've heard it before.

This is an example of je me vu. Je me vu is associated with a delirious disorder, intoxication, substance abuse, delusions such as the captious delusion and so on and so forth.

So it has its place in the pantheon of pathologies of the human mind. It also induces the imposter syndrome.

You begin to feel so unreal that you begin to experience yourself as an actor, as an imposter.

In other words, the abuser had exported to you his own self-perception.

Most abusers are dissociative. Many of them are narcissistic and they perceive themselves as spectators, as observers of a movie. They perceive their lives as a kind of film or flick that they're watching or observing with some mild interest. They don't really inhabit.

Abusers don't really inhabit their lives. They're from the outside. Their lives are like theater productions. They're like directors or actors.

So by inducing in your combination of de je vu and je me vu, they make you feel the same.

This is the initial phase of narcissistic contagion.

When the narcissist infects you with a virus of narcissism, you're beginning to see the world through his eyes. You're beginning to perceive yourself as unreal as he perceives himself. You're beginning to adopt his cognitive distortions.

You're beginning, for example, to adulate him because you had accepted his grandiosity as a realistic assessment of the world.

It's very similar to depersonalization. The very reality of reality is doubted, derealization.

Abusers also use, in order to gaslight, de je vu. De je vu means I had already lived.

It's an intense but false wrong feeling of having already lived through the present situation.

It's a form of de je vu, but much more intense. It's very akin psychologically to a true flashback.

There's no such thing as emotional flashback. It is nonsensical hype, but there is such thing as flashback or revividness.

Flashback or revividness are the out comes of hormones of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD.

De je vu is a mild, faint form of flashback because for a minute there, you lose the distinction between reality and delusion.

For a minute there, you're really into the alternative reality, preferred to you and imposed on you by the abuser.

Unlike de je vu, de je vu has behavioral consequences because people act in the environment as if it were some other reality than what it is. It compels you to abandon reality and to enter a virtual reality, a second life, a metaverse.

There's an intense feeling of familiarity, and so you prefer to withdraw from real life events or activities and inhabit this fantastic space known as paracosm.

Patients who have de je vu justify their feelings of familiarity with beliefs that are essentially delusional.

The abuser induces in you de je vu by penalizing you if you refuse to adhere to his reality, if you refuse to enter the reality space that he had created for both of you. It's a cult-like setting. You're like an account, and if you oppose the cult leader, which is the abuser or especially the narcissistic abuser, then you're penalized.

On the other hand, in addition to the stick, there's a carrot. If you do accept the abuser's reality and act accordingly, if your acceptance of his reality has behavioral manifestations which he can monitor and witness, he rewards you, he gives you a prize, he praises you, he elevates you, he renders you his favorite, etc.

So there are very strong incentives with intermittent reinforcement involved. There are very strong incentives to let go of real reality and to adopt the fake reality, which is the abuser's reality, thereby experiencing periods of de je vu.

And so these are the mechanisms that are used in gaslighting.

There's another much less known mechanism, which is what Foucault, Michel Foucault, the famous social theorist and critic, Michel Foucault called it de jal. In Madness and Civilization, A History of Insanity in the Age of Risen, which is a book he had written and published in 1961, Folie der rison, Histoire de la folie, a large classic.

So in 1961, Michel Foucault examined the evolution of the meaning of madness in culture, law, politics, philosophy and medicine, especially in Europe, from the Middle Ages until the end of the 18th century.

And Foucault being Foucault, it's a bit of a complex thing. But I will read to you a segment, an excerpt from this book.

And remember, we're discussing gaslighting.

And one of the mechanisms which are very, very not known, obscure, stealth, ambient, under the radar, surreptitious, very pernicious and nefarious mechanism used by the abuser is de jala.

And so Michel Foucault described de jala this way.

He said, up until the end of the 15th century, or perhaps slightly beyond it, the death theme, the theme of death reigns supreme. The end of mankind and the end of time are seen in war and the plagues, hanging over human existence is an order and an end that no man can escape, menacing presence from within the world itself.

Suddenly, as the century, the 15th century, suddenly as the 15th century drew to a close, that great uncertainty spun on its axis. And the derision of madness took over from the seriousness of death. From the knowledge of that fatal necessity that reduces men to dust, we pass to a contemptuous contemplation of the nothingness that is life itself.

The fear before the absolute limit of death becomes interiorized in the continual process of ironization. Fear was disarmed in advance, made derisory by being tamed and rendered banal and constantly paraded in the spectacle of life. Suddenly, it was there to be discerned in the mannerisms, failings and vices of normal people.

Death as a destruction of all things no longer had meaning when life was revealed to be a fatuous sequence of empty words, the hollow jingle of a justice cap and bells.

Theand bells. The death's head showed itself to be a vessel already empty, for madness was the being already there of death. Death's conquered presence, sketched out in these everyday signs, showed not only that its reign had already begun, but also that its prize was a meager one. Death unmasked the mask of life and nothing more.

So this is typical Foucault. This is a translation of Kalfa and Murphy in 2000. It's a typical Foucault. I'll try to translate Foucault into normal language.

What Foucault says is, in the 15th century, Western civilization transitioned from having a preoccupation with death to having a preoccupation or an obsession with mental illness. Foucault says it makes sense because to be crazy, to be mad, is similar to being dead, mentally dead. And so mad, crazy people and dead people are no longer functional. They're no longer able to participate in reality. One could say that they are no longer in society.

Foucault says that this cultural transition from the emphasis on death to the obsession with madness happened when Western society realized the similarity between being crazy and being dead and realized that madness is just as bad as death. It's essentially a form of death before the physiological form.

It seems that there is a notion of death before death, and this is déjà la.

Now, how does this fit into gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves a process of killing you mentally. It involves a process of driving you crazy. Madness.

The abuser introduces madness into your system. He chaotizes it, crazy-making. He makes you doubt on existence.

To all practical purposes, you die. And then he offers you, the abuser offers you, a resurrection. He gives you the option to be reborn, a second life, a second chance.

But the condition is that you accept his reality. You will never die, tells you, the abuser, as long as you're with me, as long as you occupy and cohabit with me in the same space, as long as you become an internal object, an extension of me, without will, without degrees of freedom, without challenge or criticism. And this is déjà la.

Okay. Back to Angela Hout of the Washington Post.

Do you remember the article published in the Washington Post a few days ago? Here's what she says about gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a manipulative form of communication where a power differential exists, said Angela Corbo, an associate professor and chair of communication studies at Widener University in Chester, Pennsylvania.

Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships or friendships between parents and children when seeking medical care or at work.

I see it as one party distorting information and preying upon another's vulnerability, said Corbo.

She likened it to a more sophisticated way of looking at bullying.

Medical gaslighting, by the way, is very trendy right now. It's when a medical professional downplays a patient's concerns, tries to persuade the patient that their symptoms are imaginary or the result of mental instability.

Back to the article.

Gaslighting continues Hout.

Gaslighting is a devastating psychological tactic.

Combining elements of manipulation, control and exploitation of trust, said Naomi Torres Mackey, a psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City and head of research at the Mental Health Coalition.

Torres Mackey continues, those things, those thingsmanipulation, control, exploitation of trust, those things are the building blocks of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is also a pattern of behavior that occurs over a long duration and not on a one-off basis. A gaslighter will repeatedly twist events to shift blame to someone else, and this emotional abuse can result in victims questioning their sanity.

Experts previously believed that gaslighting was always intentional, but they now think that it's possible that some gaslighters are not aware of their manipulative behavior, which is something I've been saying for well over 15 years.

Even when the narcissist gaslights, he is not aware that he is gaslighting. His gaslighting is not intentional. He fully believes in his alternative, extended, augmented virtual reality.

Psychopaths gaslight intentionally.

The article continues, over the long term, being at the receiving end of gaslighting can lead to lower self-worth, feelings of insecurity, depression and anxiety. It can also cause someone to be consumed with self-doubt, said Torres Mackey, who has worked with many patients who have experienced gaslighting.

It can be difficult to trust people in the future or to connect with people, she said. Plus, you often feel very disconnected from yourself because of this experience of feeling out of touch with what's real and what's not.

The article lists a series of signs that you are being gaslit and connects gaslighting to toxic relationships, wish to control someone and losing grip over the partner, so it's a desperate attempt to regain control over the partner.

The signs listed are invalidation of your emotions. People who gaslight often trivialize or invalidate their victim's feelings. Very undermining comments are common, Torres Mackey said.

For example, someone might say, you're just being dramatic. Why do you care about this so much? Other common phrases include you're too sensitive, you're crazy, you're imagining things and don't get so worked up.

I can add to this a long list like you're paranoid.

And so, invalidation is an integral part of gaslighting. It is very disorienting and you begin to question how you feel, question yourself, question your reality because of this invalidation, especially when the abuser is in a position of authority or when you admire the abuser, which is the common cult-like setting with narcissists.

Another hallmark of gaslighting is the twisting of reality.

The article says, people who gaslight will flip things and twist them back on you, Torres Mackey said. They will be adamant that you did or that you said things, you know you did not.

Torres Mackey describes the situation. One partner calling the other stupid, then that person says, hey, you called me stupid. Projection. The person who initially made the derogatory comment might then say, I didn't call you stupid, you called me stupid, etc.

So these are lies intended to distort reality and control the situation.

But in the case of many narcissists, they don't realize it's a lie. Owing to very powerful mechanisms of reaction for defense mechanisms like reaction formation, projection and splitting.

Same with borderline. Very often they don't realize that they're projecting or splitting.

Gaslighting involves coercion. The gaslighter forces you to admit that you're wrong. And if you refuse to admit that you're wrong, you're penalized, you're punished. He forces you, for example, to apologize. Even if you are the one who feels betrayed, gaslighters change the narrative. They blame shift. They victimize, self-victimize. They make you feel bad and guilty and ashamed and egodystonic. And so you end up accepting the reality. You end up apologizing.

They say to you, you made me do it. They pin their bad behavior on you somehow. You're the source. And if you're a people pleaser, you take responsibility for things you didn't do. This is called auto-plastic defenses.

The gaslighter is always assured, confident, strong, explosive, repetitive. He entrains you. He makes you feel deja vu and deja vu and all these mechanisms, deja vu.

And so you're in a state of disorientation and you don't know what to trust and who to trust anymore.

It's much easier to simply succumb, to surrender, to become submissive and to say you're right. You're right, I've been wrong and I've been wrong all along.

It leaves you mistrusting your perception. You start doubting yourself, constantly questioning what is real and where you're overreacting. Did you misunderstand a certain situation?

The article quotes Ackerman, if you start to have a disproportionate amount of doubt in yourself that was not previously there, that's a sign of gaslighting.

You may think, maybe I'm crazy, maybe I am paranoid, maybe I am too sensitive. Whatever that person is calling you, his voice is in your mind. This is entraining, it's taking over your mind. He implants his own voice in your mind. It's an introject, it's an internal object. And you can't get rid of it.

In early childhood, this is known as the Imago processing, but it can happen to you as an adult. The abuser regresses you to early childhood and then implants his voice in your mind.

And you tend to repeat like a parrot, like a robot, like someone without a will, like a zombie. You tend to repeat this voice in your mind. If this voice says you're paranoid, you would say, well, maybe I'm paranoid. If this voice says you're too sensitive, say, well, maybe I'm hypervigilant and hypersensitive.

You tend to blame yourself. And you need to understand that you're being gaslit. You need to identify the situation of gaslighting. Is there a power of symmetry? Is there a question of trust? Did you give up on reality as you had known it? Are you beginning to mimic your abuser?

Resonate with him, repeat his phrases, ad nauseam. Did he take over?

You need to recognize a takeover, a hostile takeover. It's a form, it's a subtle form of interpersonal abuse because the abuser often doesn't attack you personally. He attacks reality. He doesn't tell you something is wrong with you. He tells you something is wrong with your reality.

And so it's kind of a by proxy abuse, vicarious abuse. So it's under the radar. It's very difficult to spot and to tackle. But just knowing that you're abused, just labeling it gaslighting, that's very, very important.

And some therapists say you are giving yourself some clarity and removing the extra tax on your brain as it struggles to make sense of what's happening. Pay attention to how you feel. Journal, write a journal, write it down. Every time you're in doubt, write it down. Document every event, however minute, however inconsequential.

You're brewing coffee, take a photo. You're saying something, record yourself. Document, document, document. Create hundreds of photographs a day in order to fight back.

Ask yourself, how do I feel when I'm around that person?

Corbo suggests the following questions. Do I feel anxious? Do I feel that the person is going to contradict me? Do I find that I might be ready? I might be really confident and outgoing when I'm not with him.

But when I'm with him, I feel fuzzy. Do I think that something's wrong? Can I identify what's wrong?

Write, write times, write dates, write down places, write document feelings. Make a detailed minutia record of your life so that whenever you self-doubt, you can go back to this record and remind yourself how things truly were, how things stood, how did you feel?

No one will be able to gaslight you because this kind of record creates self-trust.

Gradually, you will not need these crutches. I mean, you will stop journaling and you will stop writing and documenting everything down.

Once your self-confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth had been stabilized, regulated and restored, assert yourself. If he starts to gaslight, stop the conversation.

Torres McKee says, assert your own reality as much as you can and as much as is safe.

You could say, no, you were the one who called me stupid. Don't twist it. Don't try to gaslight. It sounds like you're having a really hard time hearing what I'm saying. I know what I felt and it's important for me to voice this.

This is what you should say to your abuser. It doesn't sound like you can take in this perspective.

I no longer want to engage in this conversation. You're gaslighting me. If you're ready to hear how I felt and to discuss it, I'd be open to do this at a later time. Walk away. Call someone you're close to. Restore your reality testing. Tell a friend, you know, I know this thing happened and he's trying to tell me that it's not true. I need to share this with you in order to ground myself.

Torres McKee continues, otherwise you only have that one person who is telling you this false reality and it's easy to get swept into that reality and least support.

Use other people as external memory. Your identity crucially depends on input from other people and don't hesitate to involve authorities or structures within your environment.

For example, if you are being gaslit at work, involve the human resources department. If you are being gaslit by a dangerous abuser, involve the police. Don't hesitate to involve not only your social network, not only your friends and family.

Remember, sunlight disinfects abuse. In extreme cases, you would need to walk away. You would need even to resign your job.

But until then, try to confront the gaslighter. Address the situation.

Torres McKee suggests saying, hey, you're telling me something, but my sense is this other thing is right or true. How can we account for this difference?

Try to reason with the gaslighter because many gaslighters, as I repeat, don't know what they're doing. See if you can find colleagues who may be experiencing the same thing with the same person.

Torres McKee continues, there's strength in numbers. If someone is doing it to you, it's likely they might be doing it to more people and it can help you get support.

And finally, of course, talk to a professional. If the gaslighting had been all pervasive and lasted for many, many years, this voice is embedded in your mind.

You need to separate and deviate from your abuser. It's exactly like being a two-year-old, exactly like undergoing this traumatic process all over again without a safe base.

So you need a safe base and your safe base could be your therapist.

Recovering can take years. You need to work with a therapist because you need to feel safe and you need to have external validating input.

Gaslighting is emotional abuse. This person has taken over your life.

Talking to a professional breaks this pattern and provides a counterweight to your gaslighting.

The therapist is a modeling agent. You model yourself after the therapist.

He provides you with a good enough parent as opposed to the bad or dead parent that your abuser is emulating.

Use all these tools.

Gaslighting is dangerous for your mental health. It's possibly the most dangerous technique that abusers use and that is saying a lot.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, also known as gaslighting, is a subtle and insidious form of abuse that is difficult to identify. It is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation. There are five categories of ambient abuse: inducing disorientation, incapacitating, shared psychosis, abuse or misuse of information, and control by proxy. The abuser uses these tactics to manipulate and control their victim, often leaving them with low self-esteem and a sense of isolation.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.


Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.


The Abuser's Mind

Abusers suffer from dissociation, a mild form of multiple personality, and often have a dichotomy between their behavior at home and in public. They view their victims as two-dimensional representations, devoid of emotions and needs, and convert them into their own worldview. Abusers are often narcissists with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, and abuse is bred by fear of being mocked or betrayed. There are various forms of manipulation that constitute verbal and emotional abuse, including withholding, countering, discounting, blocking, blaming, and accusing.


Empath and Gaslighting: Setting the Record Straight

Self-proclaimed empaths are actually narcissistic individuals seeking attention and victimhood. Highly sensitive persons (HSPs) are extremely few and far between and are unlikely to expose themselves in cyberspace. Gaslighting is often confused and conflated with dissociation, confabulation, and dissonances. Narcissists rarely engage in gaslighting, which is a psychopathic tactic. Narcissists' desperate attempt to restore continuity, introduce some glue into the disjointed parts of their personality, and dissonances are very common but have nothing to do with gaslighting.


Covert Narcissist's Abuse= Coercive Control?

Today's lecture covers covert narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Covert narcissists engage in passive-aggressive abuse, creating networks of people to target and manipulate others. Coercive control, a rare phenomenon, involves intimidation, social isolation, invasive monitoring, and deprivation of basic needs. It is a premeditated, goal-oriented strategy that is not the result of mental illness and should be fought against. This type of control is distinct from typical abuse and reflects a power asymmetry.


Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Strategies: Conflictive Posture

The conflictive posture is a way to avoid conflict with a narcissist or psychopath by minimizing contact and insisting on boundaries. It involves demanding reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from the abuser and respecting one's own emotions, needs, wishes, and priorities. The abuser creates a shared psychosis with the victim, but it is important not to buy into it and to involve law enforcement or officials if necessary. It is also important to share the story with others and not make excuses for the abuser.


Bullying as Art, Abuse as Craftsmanship

Abuse is about control and is often a primitive and immature reaction to life's circumstances. The abuser's primary colors include unpredictability, disproportionality of reaction, dehumanization, objectification, and abuse by proxy. The abuser engineers situations in which he is solely needed and generates his own indispensability in the victim's life. The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation, which erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.


Identify LIARS, LIES in Your Life

There are 11 types of lies, including utilitarian lies, smokescreen lies, compassionate lies, ceremonial lies, compensatory lies, confabulatory lies, inferential lies, hybrid lies, and artistic lies. Gaslighting is a strategy used by psychopaths to make people doubt their own perception of reality, while confabulation is a desperate attempt to breach memory gaps and lapses. Narcissists rarely lie, but instead create a fantasy in which they are emotionally invested and which they fully believe. With the emergence of mass media and social media, lying has been legitimized as a form of art, leading to the rise of artistic lies.


So, Is My Narcissist a Covert Narcissist? Nonsense vs. Scholarship

Covert narcissists are individuals who suffer from an in-depth sense of inferiority, have a marked propensity towards feeling ashamed, and are shy and fragile. They are unable to genuinely depend on others or trust them, suffer from chronic envy of others, and have a lack of regard for generational boundaries. Covert narcissists are not goal-orientated, have shallow vocational commitment, and are forgetful of details, especially names. Inverted narcissists are a subspecies of covert narcissism and are self-centered, sensitive, vulnerable, and defensive, sometimes hostile and paranoid.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2023, under license to William DeGraaf
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