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From Lovebombing to Conflict (TalkTV Interviews with Trisha Goddard)

Uploaded 1/19/2024, approx. 1 hour 2 minute read

And welcome back and thank you for joining us. This part of the show is where we look at mental health matters on all things to do with psychology.

Stay with me because I'm just going to read out something that came out in the census. The transgender and non-binary people have been counted for the very first time in the 220-year history of the census for England and Wales. It revealed that 262,000 people identify as a gender different to their sex registered at birth.

Now the England and Wales census also recorded sexuality for the first time with 1.5 million people aged over 15 or 3.2% identifying as gay or lesbian, bisexual or other sexual orientation.

The Charity Stonewall, which has long called for the inclusion of gender and sexual identity questions, described the results as an historic step.

Canada has also recorded similar figures.

Now a lot of people, I have to say I don't include myself in this, but a lot of people will be asking why is LGBTQ+ so prominent why do we keep hearing about it? I've heard people on this station and call us into many other stations say why do there seem to be so many LGBTQ or transgender or why is this such a thing at the moment?

Well one reason is because people feel that they can talk about it more easily. That's not to say there aren't significant barriers and discriminations, but that's one issue.


Is there anything else into the equation?

Well this is a question, my next guess I'm thrilled thrilled thrilled to have I know he got a huge response last time he was on the show from Israel Dr. Sam Vaknin, Professor of Clinical Psychology. Sam welcome back.

I mean our last talk I can't tell you how interesting was it. Love it love it love it.

So gender wars and the emergence of a unigender as I said I mean so many people are saying why is this a thing? What's going on? What is your take on this?

This is part of a historical process. The two world wars created a shortage of males and then capitalism has transitioned into a paradigm of eternal growth, constant growth, continuous growth which required the introduction of women into the workforce and also as consumers.

Of course we only have 24 years a day and if you spend your time at the workplace and then spend even more of your time consuming then you have less time left for family, intimacy, marriage and so on so forth and there has been a tectonic shift in the way genders interact and team up to reproduce and to perpetuate the species.

This is one of the greatest revolutions in human history in my view and the outcome was the emergence of what I call the unigender.

The unigender is a genderless person, someone who identifies less with social constructs such as gender stereotypical male or stereotypical female and identifies much more for example with a career or with a lifestyle or with a sexual preference or orientation rather than with gender.

Gender was an organizing principle.

Gender is performative, it's a social construct, it's actually a script, it's a form of acting and so now we have different other scripts.

Studies by Lisa Wade and many other scholars are showing that women are defining themselves as masculine while men didn't complete the transition from masculine to feminine and this is called the stalled revolution.

Women have become men but men have remained men.

End result, we haven't seen them.

So let me, when you say that, when you say that's taking it away from the social construct of what a man does and who he is and what have you because before, until recently we had all sorts of, as you say, a script for what men were identifying by what they did, their jobs, their roles in the family etc and likewise with women.

With the erosion of that, with both sexes having you know with a lot of crossover, if you take yourself away from those constructs, from those definitions like a man puts out the rubbish and does what have you, you then become what's floating between the two because what I find is interesting in many African societies before colonialism, before invasion and all this before slavery because the tribe had to work together to get the harvest in. They couldn't you know one lot do one thing and one not do another, everyone had to work together.

The constructs of male and female that we have in the west that we recognise, they weren't like that and so you had many quote-unquote genderless people that you looked at and you couldn't readily identify as being a male or a female because people enveloped both sides just to, just so the tribe could exist.

Then along comes faith and religion and what have you and says no men do this, women do that. But it's something that existed centuries or you know hundreds of years ago and you're saying now it's coming back if you like, it's coming to the west.

Yes what's happening now is not that the genders are exchanging scripts, it's not a swapping of scripts, it's a convergence on a single gender and the gender is masculine. Everyone is becoming masculine regardless of genitalia.

Now the construct of gender had emerged originally when people began to create surplus wealth. Prior to capitalism and prior to industrialism and prior to urbanism we had hunter-gatherer societies. When we started, when we transitioned to agriculture following the agricultural revolution we started to generate surpluses. Surpluses accumulated as wealth and you needed to transmit this wealth from one generation to the next and to do so you needed to control reproduction, you needed to be sure that your child is your child and not someone else's child and to accomplish this certainty you needed to imprison women, essentially to imprison women, to be sequestered and this is when gender roles emerged culminating in the Victorian era.

But today of course the emphasis is not so much on reproduction, there are numerous mechanisms for transmitting wealth, everything is contractual, scripts are fluid, sex is fluid etc etc so there's no need for the old constructs such as family, such as marriage, marriage has declined by 50 percent, that's five zero percent from 1990.

We don't need these institutions anymore and one of the institutions we are getting rid of is gender.

However it is very unfortunate that we have converged on a single gender that is toxic, both women and men.


Why? Why is it toxic? It's toxic because women have adopted a male role model which is psychopathic, narcissistic, aggressive, bullying, dysempathic.

Women did not adopt a male role model which is hard-working, altruistic, empathic, loving, compassionate, caring and protective.

Women are emulating and imitating the worst conceivable men and men are doing the same so we have a toxic convergence. The uni-gender is a toxic convergence.

So why is that? Why is that?

Is it because it's still seen as all of those negative values that you talked the narcissistic ones, the aggressive ones are still seen as the tools of power?

Is it because being male or being seen as being more male or having more quote-unquote male qualities is seen as the path to having power and control?

Men have not become more feminine. Men have remained stereotypically masculine, almost a caricature of masculinity. Women have transitioned to toxic masculinity rather than men. Men have remained stuck there.

So we have a situation where everyone agrees that values such as ambition, callousness, ruthlessness, suppression of empathy, competitiveness and so on and so forth, everyone agrees now. Men and women alike agree that this should be the guiding light. This should be the northern star of one's life.

Today, two and a half times more people say that they would prefer a career to a relationship lifelong. 38% of people in the United States are lifelong singles by decision.

So we have created a masculine world which is a caricature of what real healthy masculinity is and then we have adhered to it male and female alike and this is the uni-gender.

It's a toxic, sick, pathological construct.

Now what about gay men then? A lot of people would say that and it's a generalisation I know because you know but a lot of people would see very gay of you like very camp men. Let's say camp because you know you could be camp and not gay but very camp men as having what we see as female qualities or is that just a guise? Is that a caricature of female qualities?

Many women would tell you that the best thing that could happen is having a gay friend, someone you can trust without the constraints of sexual expectations and even sexual assault because sexual assault is on the rise. Sexual practices are heavily influenced by pornography and these practices have entered the daily sexual practice of the vast majority of young people under age 35.

Sex today is a ritualised form of extreme aggression. There's nothing there anymore.

Really? I mean there are people like Andrew Tate, I don't know if you've heard about that influence as Andrew Tate and then there's the incel, you know the whole incel movement as well which is women hating, feminine quality hating if you like and promotes like violence against women and what have you but I mean many of us would see that as something that's fringe but let's just come back to the previous point that when with gay or very camp men then where do they lie in all of this? Do they not have more quote-unquote feminine qualities or is that a guise?

Feminine and masculine as I said are social constructs so of course a guy can be feminine. A guy can be feminine without being gay.

Femininity is simply a set, a list of traits and behaviours which denote for example enhanced empathy, caring and connectivity rather than aggression and competitiveness which are stereotypically masculine but gay men aside I don't see any other enclaves of femininity even among women and when I said that sex is ritualised aggression regrettably it's also among the gay community.

Sex in general is becoming way more aggressive for example the incidence of choking on sexual dates has quantupled in the past 10 years alone anal sex had replaced vaginal sex as the main practice and anal sex is very painful to women so there's an orgasm gap. Women experience orgasm six times less than men in most sexual encounters which are not committed which are not in committed relationships and so on and so forth.

Obviously we just went, sorry Sam just because we're talking in the day we've got to be slightly less graphic but do you think that's because of the rise of and you mentioned pornography and you know we talked on this show about many young people learning about sex through pornography but coming back to the role of the roles of men and women and what you're saying about women becoming more you know taking up the negative qualities of being masculine is that the way do you see that's the way it's going to go that's the way it is is it a fad is it a tide or is it this is what's happening to humanity that we'll see more and more and more. It's interesting that I'm just thinking of apparently there are more when it comes to actually and that's another issue about people who say I'm not born the sex that I I am if you like and having you know changing their gender through through you know surgery and what have you there's quite a big increase I know there is a big increase in women at least if they don't go the whole way but having their breasts removed and there's quite a big increase between more so than women doing that than than men because it's it's so difficult to come from a position of male power if you like to you know transitioning to a woman because it's it's you may have the operation what have you but then your status everything changes so much so you know do do you see this basically I'm asking just to finish up is this the way it's always going to be is this a the beginning of a tide or is it a trend

no I think that's the way it's going to be and I think that's the way it's going to be for several reasons

one women men have men have walked away men going their own way men have walked away they refuse to accept responsibility they refuse to commit they refuse to invest they refuse to form families they refuse to engage in relationships and so on so forth in the absence of men women have to be men they have to fend off for themselves they have to work hard they have to make money they have to attain financially dependence and they can't trust men to be there for them as they used to this is point number one

point number two capitalism and the and technologies various technologies encourage women and men to be atomized they encourage them to be self-sufficient to need no one and to interact with no one because there's a very simple trade-off any minute you give to your spouse any minute you give to your boyfriend any minute you give to your child is a minute taken away from facebook and twitter and instagram so and so there is a built-in incentive for technologies and capitalism to destroy your intimacy and your human relationships because they take you away from them

capitalism today is built on an unsustainable paradigm it's built on the paradigm of eternal growth and so for for capitalistic societies to grow eternally they need to generate consumption all the time they need to to interpolate you they need to brainwash into consumption

now if you are if you are um um um a single and you work then consumption becomes your religion and your anxiolytic your anxiety reduction reducing activity you consume in order to reduce or control anxiety and this precisely what capitalism wants the current iteration of capitalism so everyone is encouraged to live alone to consume netflix to consume online to not pay to not interact with other people because it takes away from profit everything is bottom line oriented and of course women play the game because it's the only game in town and the irony is the irony is this is a male game it's not a female game third and fourth generation feminism sold out women to men because today women today women construct themselves to fit into a male world they they behave they convert themselves into sexual objects for the male gaze and the male grasp and the male use if this is more of a there's a lot there this is i'm sorry i'm just like whoa there's a lot there's a lot there and i'm i'm sure i mean i'd love to discuss it even further i know there's a there's a lot there a lot there sam i i hate to cut you short because uh it is a very it's very provocative what you're saying and i'd love to go into it further and indeed we must on another show but unfortunately have run out of time but wow lots to think about sam that's why i i love talking with you because it makes like smoke come out of people's ears and go away and consider things and at least think things through so please sam do come back and join us on a future show uh dr sam vaknin their professor of clinical psychology and if that doesn't make you think however you think about that i'm sure you're all arguing about it somewhere in your household and why have you but at least we've made you think if that doesn't make you think nothing will dr sam vaknin uh there um on why he says is that we've all come to one sex and it's not just about sex it's about society it's about consumerism and a whole lot of other things wow lots to think about there uh we're going to take a quick break and then we're going to come back to your phone calls and messages of which there have been lots back in a moment you know sometimes um you know one reads something or one is aware of someone and and my producer carla and myself would say let's get this person on the show and we think oh will we ever it's just a dream if we can get that person aha fanfare we did um think of all the terms you know about narcissism the way in which it's written and a lot of that will be thanks to my next guest who is in israel we're crossing live to israel at the moment uh professor of clinical psychology sam vaknin um let me give you just a little bit of a background he's a leading authority on narcissism he's a pioneer of the field he's a professor of psychology clinical psychology a scholar author and as i said before a lot of the language involving around narcissism uh has been created because of him uh and i'm absolutely i mean i'm overwhelmed i'm really happy that we are joined by uh the professor professor sam vaknin live from israel um sam if i can call you sam thank you so much for joining me i mean this is this is great because every time i read an article up pops your name can we get him on the show yes we did um sam can we start off with a definition of narcissism because i'm sure lots of people think it's lots of different things and it may or may not be correct so let's start with that well first thank you for having me and thank you for the extremely kind words hopefully some of them are deserved we'll have to see about that narcissism narcissism is a healthy phenomenon gun or eye everyone has healthy narcissism healthy narcissism develops in early childhood it it propels the child to explore the world because you need to be a big grandiose to take on the world apart away from money and so but when this when this remains as a feature of an adult personality then we are talking about the pathology now the narcissist is someone who is incapable of regulating his sense of self-worth his self-esteem for example by himself so what he does instead he outsources dysfunction he reverts or resorts to other people and solicits from them elicits from them what we call narcissistic supply which is a fancy term for attention he asks for attention but he doesn't simply asks for an unbiased type of feedback he wants people to tell him that he is god-like he is grandiose he creates a facade he creates what we call the false self which is a piece of fiction and this false self is everything that the narcissist is not it's all knowing it's all powerful it's infallible it's perfect and it's brilliant and that's what the narcissist does throughout his life he goes around coercing people to tell him that his false self is not false but is very real and of course this creates a lot of problems in interpersonal relationships anything from the workplace to the family and that's what i'd like to go through because you know um is let me just ask you is it uh a mistake to think of the narcissist and i'm sure a lot of people think of a narcissist of somebody who's going around and very bombastic can they often seem quite you know shy or withdrawing are there many types of persona that they they show because you know looking through your work i i think i've come across narcissists who seem very almost seem humble and oh it's not me and what have you um so you know and you think well they're not a narcissist because you're expecting someone beating their chest yes indeed that's that's very true we we make a distinction between overt and covert narcissist the covert narcissist is shy fragile vulnerable the covert narcissist is actually a narcissist who cannot secure attention who fails to secure narcissistic supply by applying directly to potential sources of supply so what he does instead he wallows in self-pity and misery he he engages in displays of pseudo humility false modesty he is very cunning he is passive aggressive and i'm saying he because until recently until about 10 years ago 75 of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder were men this is no longer true by the way right now it's 50 50 women have with this salubris trend what is common to all narcissists whether they are sulking in the background and just sabotaging and undermining everyone whether they are overt in your face i'm the best i'm godlike and you should acknowledge this type of narcissist what's common to all of them is regarding other people as instruments as functions instrumentalizing other people other people are there to cater to their emotional and psychological needs other people are there to serve them to admire them provide them with supply to to simply create an ambience or an environment where the narcissist grandiosity his inflated fantastic self-perception is never challenged so that's their role and if they don't comply with this he just discards them he devalues them and he discards them and he could he can be very cruel when it comes to devaluing and discarding it's very abrupt and it's really really sadistic sometimes we're talking about narcissism sam just as you say that and i wanted to look at narcissism in three different areas social media surely you know before social media i would have thought you had to do most of this face to face or on the telephone or what have you but social media must be what a great tool to the narcissist yeah social media simply amplifies the narcissist ability to tap into people's vulnerabilities people's insecurities people people's own narcissistic tendencies because narcissists idealize you when they start to interact with you they idealize you and then they project onto you your ideal image and that's very captivating it's very addictive suddenly you see yourself as flawless and perfect and brilliant and that's irresistible the narcissist captures you this way captivates you and kind of renders you a slave in a way so social media is an amplification device so definitely narcissists regard social media as stomping grounds and hunting grounds for potential praying because they're predators can they become troll i'm just thinking some of the things when you when you say they they'll praise you praise you praise you they'll idolize you but then if you slip your crown slips for instance i'm just thinking a lot of trolls i've thought you know it's not just a debate online it's almost like and they usually start off with i always thought you were amazing you were great you were this but now and then the tables turn and they go after you and after you and after you in in a vicious way there are two types of narcissists online social media is only one kind of platform online you have for example youtube which in my view tends to attract narcissists far more than social media so there are two types of narcissists the first type of narcissist is i'm a victim narcissist it's a narcissist who presents himself or herself as a victim they adopt a victim stance and victimhood becomes a determinant of their identity they are professional and career victims they're proud of their victimhood and they leverage their victimhood to garner sympathy and attention they these would be typically covert narcissists now overt narcissists would tend to woo you idealize you and then if you don't conform if you don't obey if you're not obedient they would then as i said cruelly and publicly if possible devalue you shame you humiliate you degrade you and punish you that's their way of punishing you for not having fitted in and not even having provided them with the feedback that they are godlike and perfect etc. Ah let's talk about narcissism in the workplace is a narcissistic boss good for the team are they a cheerleader of the team because everybody you know that they're saying i am god i can run everything and it makes the team feel yes we're behind someone who's going to help us to win or can they be destructive in in business situations or a bit of both opinions differ there are psychologists who claim that high functioning narcissists and even psychopaths psychologists like Kevin Dutton and others even Maccoby they say that even psychopaths are good for business and good for in good and leadership positions and good in certain professions for example medical surgeons there is an over-representation of psychopaths among chief executive officers in fortune 500 companies and among certain medical professions there's an over-representation of narcissists in show media and and show business i'm sorry and and various media and so on so forth so narcissism psychopaths gravitates the position of exposure or authority or both and but it's very misleading it's very it's fatah moga it's a mirage because the narcissist claims to have a vision the narcissist has the vision theme as the americans like to say he presents an agenda of which is essentially grandiose and therefore usually unrealistic and then he because he's charismatic and he's very convincing and he knows which buttons to push he spent a lifetime pushing other people's buttons and rendering them functional and instrumental so he he is good at assembling a team and then leading the team but to understand the role of the narcissistic boss in the workplace we need to review extremely briefly i promise you three concepts the first one is internal objects the second one is grandiosity and the third concept is pathological narcissistic space i'll start with the last pathological narcissistic space is simply the physical place the narcissist goes to or frequency in order to obtain supply so the workplace would be a pathological narcissistic space because that's where the narcissist obtains his supply the second concept is internal objects the narcissist is incapable of interacting with real people because he lacks empathy and he doesn't read social and and other types of cues very very effectively so he never interacts with real people what he does he creates a representation of you in his mind and this is called introject and then he continues to interact with that representation never with you so there's a second crucial factor because it means that the narcissistic boss regards the workplace as his playground and regards his employees as internal objects as extensions of himself he doesn't see them as separate entities and the last thing is grandiosity the narcissist only project in life is to aggrandize himself fantastically and he just uses the workplace leverages it and everyone in the workplace to pursue this project in other words the good of the company the good of his employees the well-being of everyone are utterly besides the point the point is to be great again him thank you thank you we're going to take this all break but when we come back let's talk about what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcissist i'm talking to professor welcome back i'm crossing live to israel to speak with professor of clinical psychology professor sam vaknin we're talking about narcissism in what i have to say is that absolutely they're saying in the studio you can hear a pin drop um we've talked about narcissism social media and and things like youtube we've talked about narcissist narcissistic bosses now being in a relationship with a narcissist let's talk about from the person experiencing that how do you know you're in a relationship with a narcissist what sort of things do they do to you in order to keep you feeding what they need that's an easy one because you are never in a relationship with a narcissist the narcissist is incapable of perceiving you as a separate entity with your own needs preferences priorities personal history wishes friends family etc etc the narcissist regards you as an internal object as i said before he regards you as an extension he regards you as an instrument the equivalent of an internet service provider narcissists seek essentially four things in a relationship i call them the four s's the first one is sex obviously then services then supply narcissistic or sadistic you could be the narcissist punching bag or and sorry safety the narcissist has abandonment anxiety he needs to believe that you will never abandon him or dump him or discard him if you provide two of these four you're in but you are commoditized you're commodity you're utterly replaceable utterly interchangeable you you the narcissist cannot perceive you as unique in any way shape or form because it would negate in some ways his uniqueness what the narcissist does do once he has internalized you he idealizes you as i said he creates a totally imaginary figure which is not even loosely related to where you are and then he continues to interact with that figure with that internal object but then he grants you access to this object and by by seeing yourself through the narcissist gaze you become addicted you fall in love not with the narcissist you fall in love with the with the way that the narcissist sees you it's the first time that you're actually allowed to fall in love with yourself as a mother falling falls in love with her child so it's a kind of self parenting it's kind of self love from a parental point of view and it's irresistible it gets you addicted so it's gonna say so it's gonna say so many things so if you if he sees you as an extension of himself uh and we're using him and it could be her anything you do quote unquote wrong away from that idealized picture he has of you hethem down you're and and but then it also suggests that he or she would be open to if you don't measure up and you're not meeting one of those four s's he has no problem he or she has no problem either having an affair or moving on to the next person and bam you never existed yes you never existed that's the thing that most most victims of such relationships find difficult to digest you were never there and he was never there the narcissist is not about it is not a presence the narcissist is an absence there's nobody home it's like a huge black hole with with a galaxy of internal object objects swirling it but the core is a black hole and so he he digests you he consumes you he assimilates you he converts you into an idealized thing because he's ideal and everything inside himself has to be ideal as well this is called co-idealization so he idealizes you and then he expects you to conform to this static snapshot it's not a video it's a snapshot and expects you to freeze he expects he mummifies you like an ancient Egyptian mummy and if you at any point deviate or diverge from the snapshot he's going to respond ferociously he's going to devalue you and he's going to discard you because you have dared this balance the precarious structure that is his personality or what passes for his personality is is in a constant state of panic so does a narcissist ever know they're a narcissist well i don't know about narcissists but they are fully aware of their behaviors and most of them are very proud of who they are they consider themselves the next stage in the in the evolutionary ladder because they are invulnerable invulnerable they're impermeable they're superior they are amazing they're god-like and so on so forth and humanity is catching up to do you know and so there's a lot of what we call kafexis there's a lot of emotional investment in the disorder which is why it's very difficult to heal or to cure narcissists because they think that what we call the disorder is actually a competitive edge a competitive advantage they think it's a great thing narcissists would tell you without my narcissism i would have never i would have never accomplished what i had accomplished without my narcissism i would not be created and so you're trying to make me an average person you're trying to make me a common common chap and i will never accept this because i'm not i'm unique there there's a strong resistances and defenses i remember going on a website once for people support for people who had family members who were narcissists and i went all the way through it this is a long long time ago and i got onto a page and it just said run maybe that's a little bit that's a little bit cruel you're not it you agree if it's you know actually actually it's my actually historically it's my advice in 1995 i designed the set of strategies which i and i coined the phrase no contact so the no contact set of strategies is the only one that i recommend if you are in a relationship or pseudo relationship with the narcissist cut your losses get out now and the reason you should get out now is because narcissism is contagious the narcissist provokes in you narcissistic defenses dysregulates you makes you in other words crazy to put it simply yeah absolutely let me just show people your book malignant self-love narcissism revisited by sam uh uh name sam just amazing talking to you we've had so many calls so so many uh texts and messages people begging for us to have you back on again so if you would absolutely do do the favor for us because i might let the switchboard has gone gone mad here people want to hear what i'm saying thank you so much for your time thank you i would love to talk with you again uh absolutely amazing professor of clinical psychology sam back in there and we will try to get him back thank you for joining me and thank you to all of you on x who are joining me let me tell you what's coming up uh we'll be talking with a herbalist about what she believes the power of herbs truly is uh plus um a young man who's running from underground station to underground station to raise money for calm why he's doing that why he feels males mental health is so important as indeed it is uh his own story we'll be talking with him a little later but i i guess the spotlight has been very rightly on what's happening uh in israel what's happening in gaza at the moment we've talked with a very powerful talk work i know has affected all of us with our imam and our rabbi who we've actually asked to stand by throughout the program in case we we need them back in again we may well be talking to them before the end of the show again um also we've talked with julia samuel psychotherapist about the effects of seeing the pictures seeing the headlines what they the the the way it affects us viscerally uh my next guest is um one i'm very excited to talk with again um san vaknin is israeli he's in macedonia at the moment um he's a professor of clinical psychology absolutely fascinating and i'll tell you why he's joining me today it's to talk about conflict in particular the sorts of personalities behind uh the israeli palestine conflict at the moment sam thank you so much for joining me again um just reading through some of the notes you've sent me i'm like wow this is a totally different and a really interesting take on all of this let me start off by asking and i i've asked all of my guests how you how are you feeling because i i don't you know take lightly that you may well know people and and what have you and it would be i have hundreds of relatives in the in the war zones both in the north and the south i haven't slept a wink for quite a few nights now as you can see probably so i'm not in the best of shape but i i will give i'll give you whatever i can thank you thank you and i know you can't even get a flight back home at the moment because i can't get the flight back no israeli is actually cut off yeah yeah you're when you look at the personalities and i think there are interesting ones involved when you look at bibi net yahoo he says what his eighth time around now and many people are saying uh pointing out that the reason he quote unquote took his eye off the ball is when you need power at any cost and you bring in cronies people who will back you up you are often displacing people who are very very learned in their trade in insecurity in the military and what have you you're displacing them with your your buddies your political buddies what that it seems to me that the need for power underlines so much of the world's conflict and i'm really fascinating to hear your your views on this the deceased leadership of both the state of israel and the hamas and i'm using the word diseased judiciously definitely clinically has to do with underlying factors which are actually not personal leaders leaders reflect constituencies the psychology of leaders resonates very closely with the psychopathology of their electorates and nations so here we have two peoples two nations and they are both exhibiting what we call in psychology a trauma response now we have four types of trauma response and the most famous of which is fight or flight so in this case we have fight both nations are traumatized and both are in a post-traumatic condition as you recall the jewish people has just had in historical terms just yesterday the holocaust and the palestinians had something they called the nattba which means in arabic the catastrophe which is the expulsion in 1948 from their territories which now constitute the state of israel so they're both traumatized and when people are traumatized they tend to perceive themselves as victims the victimhood their victimhood becomes their identity politics and this is called in clinical psychology competitive victimhood no i'm the bigger victim no i'm the bigger victim and they compete for victimhood and so when you compete for victimhood when victimhood is who you are you feel entitled to special treatment you feel much less empathetic towards the other party you feel egotistic you're self-centered on your needs and priorities and so on so forth on recovery and many many victims true victims become very self-destructive unfortunately in both nations the israelis who are jews and the palestinians in both nations there's a founding myth of suicide in israel we have the story of masada masada was the resistance in a fortress in the in the desert against the roman army and then all the fighters that committed suicide when things were look to be you know beyond hope the masada myth is a foundational myth of the state of israel every child learns it it's inculcated in us and the arabs have the concept of the muslims actually have the concept so concept of shahada shahada means martyrdom to be a martyr and to be a martyr is to die and to commit suicide in masada is to die this is this is a death ethos an ethos of death these are two death counts at war i know not politically correct no but what it speaks to then if you have an upbringing or if you have a society through which such a message runs all the way through your way or your dialogue when we talk about peace dialogue and and often well right from the beginning of the the creation of of israel and what happened with you know with the seven hundred thousand palestinians being displaced it was people from other cultures parachuting in to draw lines either on a map or either in the sand with their western no knowledge of that this is what we need to do right from the days of balfour historically going all the way through so even jimmy garter um but but one of the things that my husband and myself are talking about is every time there's been a leader from those groups they've been assassinated taken if they speak against that language if they speak one of peace and hope and i guess non-victimhood they're taken out yes that's because victimhood as i said is an identity politics and like all forms of identity politics it involves a series of psychological defense mechanisms which lead inexorably to violence with your permission i will enumerate these defense mechanisms without going into too much detail the foremost mechanism is known as splitting splitting or decotomous thinking simply means i'm all good my enemy is all bad i am perfect whoever disagrees with me is evil and must die this is splitting it's a defense mechanism that operates in individuals and in collectives then you have paranoid ideation it's me against the world as a victim i've been victimized means the world didn't help me so i have to rely only on myself and all the rest of the world are potential enemies i should be hyper vigilant there are conspiracies everywhere that's paranoia and then another form of defense is grandiosity especially if you have existential anxiety if you're not really sure that you're going to be here tomorrow if you have true enemies who seek to exterminate you eradicate you displace you whatever one of the main defense mechanisms we have as individuals and collectives is grandiosity it's a form of cognitive distortion it impairs our reality testing we don't perceive reality correctly anymore so israel for example has this misguided belief that it is untouchable invincible immune to the consequences of its actions this is a form of grandiosity of course and of course the the other party the Palestinians have their own type of grandiosity they are the perfect victims no one has ever been victimized as they have that renders them unique and they're entitled to special treatment and special concessions and they have rights that impose obligations or others it's a form of grandiosity entitled grandiosity and then we have magical thinking if we just put our minds to it there is nothing we cannot accomplish our thinking our words our wishes and dreams and and hopes they are reality we have absolute influence and we can shape the cosmos around us our environment this is magical thinking it's not true but then something like this but then something somebody takes that action that changes that that friction between two similar ideologies if you like somebody just steps way outside of that i guess they have to do something horrific in order to what up the anti to become i'm just thinking well with with the hammers doing what they did that is a a massive upping of the horrific anti yes everything i've just described is known collectively as pathological narcissism and in pathological narcissism you need to be noticed your existence relies crucially on what we call external regulation feedback from the outside input from others regulates your moods your emotions your reactions who you are how you perceive the world and so on but how are you going to be noticed in a rapid news cycle with two zillion social media accounts with cats with cats and semi-naked people all around how you're going to be noticed ostentatiousness so you need to be you need to become ostentatious you need to escalate your behavior and the more atrocious you are the more abominable and abhorrent and so on the more likely you are to garner the attention that you need this is by the way i was going to say just let me remind people i'm talking with sam vacknin who's a professor of clinical psychology so sam just tell me and i from what you're saying then if you have to escalate things to be noticed to such a horrific level the media using lots and lots and lots of photographs more and more and more and more and more that surely feeds the monster yes actually both parties abuse the media social media included mainstream legacy media social media all forms of media all forms of access it's not only media it's access they abuse this to do something manipulative and it's called projective identification projective identification is when i force my adversary or my enemy or another party i force them to behave in a way which conforms to my expectations of them and also presents me in a good light so if i expect you to abuse me i will provoke you i will push your buttons i will escalate my behavior until you do abuse me and that would confirm my position that you're an abuser and that would also make me the good guy because here i am being abused by you being victimized by you and that's how they use and that's how they would use those the photos and the pictures and what have you?


Does what make them more well they are victims but it makes sure that you can't ignore that there are no saints in this conflict.

I think that the problem is that people define themselves as victims victimhood is an identity being victimized is a series of events and behaviors misbehaviors it doesn't make your victim it means that you have been victimized.

Yeah victimhood is a totally different thing because it involves entitlement at the expense of another person and of course the media are harnessed and leveraged and used and abused by all the parties.

These are signals this theory is known in psychology as signaling theory.

The parties are signaling to each other via the media and use the media in order to induce and modify the behaviors of the other side in a way that would reflect well on them and would confirm their prejudices and biases regarding the other side.

And this is a form of aggression which involves gaslighting the alteration of of reality in counterfactual ways and also involves projective identification.

I'm going to make you do what I want you to do what I want you to do.

I was going to say where does anger is anger, not just anger from the parties involved but anger from all of those watching from let me say like news commentators and what have you whenever I see shouting and anger around this it's a horrific issue but whenever I see colleagues in the media shouting and angry I see that as them fueling the flames.

Am I wrong? I would beg to differ with the word anger, not your fault by the way.

It looks like anger, it's righteous indignation, it's a form of virtue signaling, it's ostentatious, it has nothing to do with real anger because you see real anger is a good thing, real anger is a way to affect your environment and to modify other people's behaviors so that you won't have to be angry anymore.

This is not anger, this is victimhood, self-righteous sanctimonious, 100% good.

While the other party is always 100% evil.


Okay, we've got it.

So we've got to take a break.

I'm going to come back and talk with you more.

I'm talking with Sam Vaknin, professor of clinical psychology.

Back with more in just a moment.

So - Welcome back and thank you for joining me.

I'm having an absolutely fascinating conversation with Sam Vaknin, who is a renowned international professor of clinical psychology, usually based in Israel.

As we heard, he can't get back there.

He's in Macedonia at the moment.

Sam, coming back to when you've got two parties who see that almost as a competition of who can be the biggest victim, what is the answer then?

How do you create peace when you've got two traumatizers?

You explained the Jewish people with their trauma, the Palestinians with their trauma.

How you can't do therapy for hundreds of thousands of people.

And as we said before, those people who have tried to create peace and goes to it, get assassinated, I mean, historically.

It seems that governments, people go back to, and you said they made that point, the leaders that mirror their grief.

They, Hamas became a political party, but still always have that.

It's like the IRA with Sinn Féin.

It's like with, people forget that Nelson Mandela came from a once terrorist organization.

So you've got the Jews with Bibi Netanyahu coming back, the Jewish people, yet he gets back again.

You've got Hamas.

How do you, what is the answer?

What is the answer?

You can't do therapy for hundreds of thousands of people, millions of people.

What is the answer?-

The situation is, it calls for pessimism.

However, there are two mitigating circumstances or mitigating aspects.

We distinguish between cultures and societies which look to the past, and cultures and societies with a future orientation.

Now the cultures and societies in the Middle East, the Arab world, the Jews, they are past oriented.

They, their nourishment is based in the past, not in the future.

They derive their sustenance, their strength, their resilience, everything from the past.

So this is the first thing.

If we succeed somehow to change this orientation and to render it present or future orientation, I think this would go a long way towards kind of pacifying both, both peoples.

Where does that come from?

I was gonna say, because the traditions, everything about both Islam and Judaism, the traditions, everything is, as you say, how you map out your day, your week, your month, your years based in the past.

To change that orientation, does that come from their faith basis?

Does that, I mean, if somehow you could approach, we had earlier on a fantastic Imam and a rabbi who have come together and are supporting each other and seem to be speaking of the future.

So is that possibly where that focusing and basing themselves on the future, is that a place from which it could come?

Past orientation has to do with what we call learned helplessness.

The belief that everything is hopeless, that regardless of your best efforts, you will never be efficacious. You will never accomplish long-term goals. And everything that you do accomplish is transitory and meaningless.

So if we were to establish an environment, and here the Western world has a major role, as does China and so on, if we were to establish an all encompassing environment, which includes incorporates both the Arabs and the Jews, in a way that guarantees them stability and safety and long-term prospects and economic development and jobs for all, et cetera, et cetera, I think the hopelessness and helplessness will abate.

And with these, the past orientation will be replaced with a future orientation.


It's a big ask, it's a big ask because we're talking about territories.

It's been done before, for example, the Marshall Plan in Europe.

Yeah, yeah.

It's been done before in Japan, after the Second World War, the United States is spending $6 billion a year in the Middle East.

This money on weapons, mind you, only on weapons.

I mean, take this money and use it differently.

Same money, no need for appropriations, no need to negotiate with the Republican party, same money.

So this is the first thing.

The second kind of ray of light, hope, is the fact that societies in the Middle East, Jews included, are shame-based, reputation-based.

The social control is exerted and channeled through shaming people, humiliating them, criticizing them in public, damaging their reputation irrevocably.

So these are the levers of social control.

Now, this is very bad because you need to save face.

And in order to save face, you act irrationally.

Like saving, it's save face or die, liberty, you know, liberty or death.

So saving face or die, that's it.

Literally, people are willing to die to save face.

If we were to transition from a reputation and shame-based society to a society of rule of law, objective and neutral measurements and evaluations, a society that doesn't shame people or humiliate them, but teaches them and educates them and nurtures them, then I think we will have removed another component of this seemingly endless and intractable conflict.

You see, this is the cycle.

This is exactly the cycle.

The Jews live in the past, the Palestinians live in the past.

Both of them have been shamed and humiliated.

Now, the Hamas humiliated Israel, shamed Israel, is Israel acting rationally?

Allow me to have my doubts.

Is Israel acting proportionately?

Almost for sure it's not.

Why?

Because Israel has to save face.

It has to restore its deterrence and the respect and the awe that it used to be held in.

It's all about reputation.

It's exactly like the mafia, exactly like a mob mentality. - And I guess you could say the same about Hamas.

They had to save face.

Everybody say, do you think it's time, we've got to finish this interview, but part of me thinks this isn't it time that women took over? I mean, I say that glibly, but so much of it is bound up in the sorts of things, I guess we attribute to men, saving face, muscle, might, aggression, those attributes that are very male.

We're talking maybe about societies in which the man has a role that many would say is adhering more to the past because younger people, as we've seen on both sides, don't adhere as much to that.

So part of me thinks maybe it's time for the world to have a good go at women running it.

I mean, can we do much worse?

I mean, I don't think it's a joke. - This might be true in the West, but regrettably in these areas, in the Middle East and so on, there is full collaboration between men and women in perpetuating this state of affairs.

Women have been co-opted, women have been co-opted into the male patriarchy basically, into the male structure. - Well, Sam, thank you, as always.

It's fascinating talking to you.

And I really, I send you my warmest wishes.

I know it's gonna be a very, very difficult time for you. - It is, thank you.

Thank you for your sentiments. - Yeah, and thank you, I mean that because all of our guests that we've had from the area, I'm like, God, how you lack of sleep and the churning of stomachs and all of those things going on and even be able to focus or gather their thoughts.

It's not something that I take lightly.

So I do thank you again. - I want to say one last thing.

I want to say one last thing.

This is a crisis definitely, but it's also an opportunity.

In 1973, Israel has been surprised.

There was a surprise attack on Israel by Egypt and Syria.

And it led four years later to peace, peace with Egypt, later peace with Jordan and so on.

This horrible atrocity committed by the terrorist organization Hamas could be an opening.

It doesn't need to end this way.

You could reconceive of it and reframe it and leverage it to make peace.

Unfortunately, I don't see the leadership there to do this on either side. - It's sad.

Sam, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for joining us today. - Thank you for having me. - You're so welcome.

We'll definitely be talking with you again.

I know we will be in the future.

Professor of clinical psychology, Sam Vaknin there, as you heard, he's Israeli, can't get back to Israel because there aren't any flights.

So he's in Macedonia at the moment.

Lots to think about there, lots to think about there.

We're gonna take a quick break.

And after that, we'll be back on a totally different subject.

Our I believe segment where we hear from a herbalist back with that in just a moment.

Once upon a time, we used to think of domestic abuse as purely being someone hitting someone in the vast majority of cases, although not exclusive.

It was about a man hitting a woman.

That's how we used to see it.

We know it works both ways and we know domestic violence can extend tootherthis close to say.

Love bombing, as the name implies, is when you weaponize expression of affection and love and compassion and attention in order with explicit intent to manipulate another person into a behavior which you deem beneficial to you.

This should be the definition.

Unfortunately, so many times you hear people say, "Well, if that person was just abusive, just leave." It's not that easy because the art of manipulation and coercive control is insidious, it's gradual, and it's very, very powerful.

There is but one person to talk about this.

I've had him on the show before, absolutely amazing.

Sam Vachnin, who is Professor of Clinical Psychology and a leading authority of narcissism, which is, this is all part of that.

Sam, thank you so much for joining me again.

As I said before, when we talk about coercive control, it's very difficult for somebody to get their head around it, even if they're in the claws of it to know what shape it takes.

Now, this love bombing, as I said, so many people say, "You're lucky, but just talk us through about what kind of control that is exerting and how it manifests."-

Good to see you again, Tricia.

And no, I'm not love bombing you.

It's just simply good to see you again.

Thank you for having me.

I'm a former professor, I get my position.

So just for this close to say.

Love bombing, as the name implies, is when you weaponize expression of affection and love and compassion and attention in order with explicit intent to manipulate another person into a behavior which you deem beneficial to you.

This should be the definition.

Unfortunately, so many times you hear people say, "Well, if that person was just abusive, just leave." It's not that easy because the art of manipulation and coercive control is insidious, it's gradual, and it's very, very powerful.

There is but one person to talk about this.

I've had him on the show before, absolutely amazing.

Sam Vachnin, who is Professor of Clinical Psychology and a leading authority of narcissism, which is, this is all part of that.

Sam, thank you so much for joining me again.

As I said before, when we talk about coercive control, it's very difficult for somebody to get their head around it, even if they're in the claws of it to know what shape it takes.

Now, this love bombing, as I said, so many people say, "You're lucky, but just talk us through about what kind of control that is exerting and how it manifests."-

Good to see you again, Tricia.

And no, I'm not love bombing you.

It's just simply good to see you again.

Thank you for having me.

I'm a former professor, I get my position.

So just for this close to say.

Love bombing, as the name implies, is when you weaponize expression of affection and love and compassion and attention in order with explicit intent to manipulate another person into a behavior which you deem beneficial to you.

This should be the definition.

Unfortunately, somany times you hear people say, "Well, if that person was just abusive, just leave." It's not that easy because the art of manipulation and coercive control is insidious, it's gradual, and it's very, very powerful.

There is but oneperson to talk about this.

I've had him on the show before, absolutely amazing.

Sam Vachnin, who is Professor of Clinical Psychology and a leading authority of narcissism, which is, this is all part of that.

Sam, thank you so much for joining me again.

As I said before, when we talk about coercive control, it's very difficult for somebody to get their head around it, even if they're in the claws of it to know what shape it takes.

Now, this love bombing, as I said, so many peoplesay, "You're lucky, but just talk us through about what kind of control that is exerting and how it manifests."-

Good to see you again, Tricia.

And no, I'm not love bombing you.

It's just simply good to see you again.

Thank you for having me.

I'm a former professor, I get my position.

So just for this close to say.

Love bombing, asreal or truthful.

Number two, it should be premature.

In other words, the compliments, the affection, the attention, the gifts should come too fast and too early.

So on the first meeting, you're the most amazing woman in the world.

The second meeting, there's an offer of marriage.

And at the end of the second meeting, you're already planning to have three children together and you're discussing the college funds. - Right. - That's premature.

Number three, it should be ill-founded.

The compliments in love bombing have nothing to do with you.

So even you feel as the victim of love bombing, even you feel that something's wrong, you're being described in a way that nothing to do with you.

We call this idealization.

The compliments are actually directed at some idealized image of you, which is totally fictional.

So love bombing must include a pronounced element of fantasy.

In the absence of fantasy, it simply might be a dysfunctional way of courting or flirting gun or eye if there's no fantasy.

Fantasy is crucial.

Number four, love bombing must be a part of a pattern of behavior, misbehavior, known as coercive control.

If it is divorced from coercive control, it should not be criminalized.

Number five, number five, love bombing should be a part of what we call in psychology, intermittent reinforcement.

Intermitted reinforcement means you get conflicting messages fast on the heels of each other.

So thought and called, I love you, I hate you. I want your company, I don't wanna talk to you.

Let's chat, I'm blocking you.

So this is called intermittent reinforcement.

It disorients you, you become disoriented.

You don't know how to decipher the other person's behavior. You try to please the other person. You become submissive, you're intimidated and you're manipulated.

Intermittent reinforcement is a crucial part of coercive control and there is no love bombing without intermittent reinforcement.

In other words, - So you're continuously trying to keep that person in the positive sort of thing. - On their toes, on their toes. On their toes, so you said right at the beginning it comes too early.

Now I remember going back in my single days, this chat we'd had like the first date I was amazing and all this sort of thing.

And I was ostensibly there for a completely, I'd been invited there for a completely different reason to talk about mental health, what have you, then you're amazing and what have you, all this sort of thing.

And then the next thing he's saying, I'm trying to figure out this thing, which house we're gonna live in.

And I'm like, so are you saying, I mean, that was like the second date and you sort of think, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now you talked about that, although that can't be criminalized to take it from hot and cold and black and white, that would still be a flag, should still be a flag, I'm saying for anyone in a relationship to

be wary. - Yes. - Am I right? - Absolutely. Intermittent reinforcement in the vast majority of cases is a manipulative control instrument. It's intended to control. It's intended to create such uncertainty in your mind. It's intended to gaslight you into doubting your own judgment and perception of reality, of the other person's behavior, their motivations, et cetera, so that you become dependent on the other person's input. He becomes your reality test. And so then you lose your independence and agency, you become an extension of that person. And because he has the capability to withhold affection from you, to withhold his love, to withhold the pleasant times together, you want to motivate him to give those back to you. And so you try to please him to the point of denying yourself and your needs. - Sam, let me throw something at you, Sam, 'cause we're talking about in a relationship. - Not physically, I hope.-

No, we're talking about in a relationship.

I've seen this play out in workplace situations.-

Of course.-

And work-wise, and that legally and every other way is very difficult to prove.

We're a boss right at the beginning, it's talking about you're amazing, you're this, or da-da-da-da-da, and then the next bit, you know, you're rubbish and you need me, you don't need me calling you at inappropriate times.

I'm only calling you at these inappropriate times because I can't do this work without you.

And then you did, can it happen in a workplace situation?

Or am I, ah.-

No, I think you're very right.

I think two additional shortcomings of the CPS definition of love bombing is limiting it, confining it to intimate romantic relationships.

When it's absolutely untrue, it can happen in church, it can happen in a workplace, it can happen between a teacher and a student.

It can happen, love bombing is a universal, universal manipulative tactic.

Second thing, the CPS does not make a distinction between love bombing, which is the outcome of mental illness.

For example, people with bipolar disorder, they love bomb in the manic phase.

People with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder love bomb because they can't tell the difference between truth and lies in a fantasy.

People with other psychotic disorders, they love bomb because they can't tell the difference between internal and external and so on and so forth.

These people are not acting criminally.

They're just playing out their mental illness.

And there's not such exemption or mitigation in the CPS's definition of love bombing.

That's catastrophic, that's absolutely wrong.

And so, I think the key is coercive control.

Does the love bombing lead to a coercive control scenario?

Is it embedded in a coercive control strategy?

Or is it a totally independent behavior that goes nowhere?

If it goes nowhere, it's just a warning sign.

You wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone who jumps to conclusions in the first meeting.

It is, however, if it is embedded in coercive control, it should absolutely be criminalized.

I fully agree because it leads to, it's the corridor that leads to, where is it from?

Now, with your permission, I would like to give the indications of coercive control.

It's up to you. - Yeah. - You're welcome. - Sam, we're just about to run out of time and I don't want to have to interrupt you in the middle of that. And I did this last time because when I talk to you, it generates so much interest. Can we leave people hanging? Would you mind coming back on the show? Because this is something I really, the whole thing about it being in the workplace as well. I know people are going to be like, whoa, they haven't thought about that. And how the CPS definition needs to be expanded. Sam, we will talk again. Thank you so much. - My pleasure. - Sam Vatten in there with some really interesting stuff about coercive control.

And as I said before, we will be talking more about that.

Coming up, we've got a lot, lot more about bringing in legislation that prevents obese people being discriminated against.

Good idea or not?

That and a lot, lot more right after this break.

So stay with me here on Talk TV.

See you in a moment.-

Let's talk about the language that is used to demonize the other side.-

War and the language of war has to do with a fantasy space.

War is a fantasy defense.

In war, you as an individual become immaculate, become perfect.

I mentioned, I opened my conversation with you by mentioning all the values associated with war, heroism, courage, protectiveness, centralistness, altruism, self-sacrifice.

These are positive values.

None of them is negative, not the same one of them.

So there's a fantasy of who you are, which is what we call in psychology, a narcissistic fantasy.

And this fantasy of the individual is a perfect being protected by God in effect.

Even the SS, the Nazi SS, believe themselves to be protected by God.

So under the banner of God, you're a perfect being.

And obviously a society comprised of perfect being also happens to be a perfect society, a city on the hill.

Now you mentioned Gaza, for example, and this is an excellent example of how fantasy takes over reality and suppresses it.

Gazans have the highest literacy rate in all the Arab world.

Gazans are much more literate and much more highly educated than the Egyptians or the Saudis.

So Gaza is actually an enclave of learning and erudition in the Arab world.

They're definitely not uneducated peasants.

So they're exactly the opposite. They are urban, Muslim and urban.

So here's an example of how we create in a fantastic space an image of the enemy that has nothing to do with reality, that is counterfactual.

And then we continue to interact with that image, not with a real enemy.

When we kill members of the enemy, we are actually playing a video game in our minds.

And in this video game, there's an internal representation of the enemy that is devalued to the maximum, to the extreme, dehumanized, demonized, etc.

And this is exactly what happens in the mind of a narcissist.

The narcissist converts people, converts external objects into internal objects.

Then the narcissist either idealizes this object or devalues this object.

But in any case, the narcissist continues to interact with the object, not with the person that gave rise to the object.

So we could say that war is a narcissistic activity.

Absolutely.

It's about narcissism.

No wonder that war is very antisocial and there are many psychopathic behaviors in war.

Yes, absolutely.

Sam, always brilliant talking with you.

Are you still-- I just wanted to check how you are.

I wanted to say, although it's a very troubled times, happy Hanukkah.

Thank you.

Have you been able to get back to Israel or you're still-- No, I haven't been there for too long. I intend to go back next year, hopefully when the fighting abates.

I served in the Israeli army for 3 and 1/2 years. I was in infantry and then in the air force. So I know war intimately, including urban warfare. I've been involved in urban warfare.

I know war intimately.

There is no more hideous spectacle than war.

All these values that are attributed to war, that's post-facto nonsense.

War is dirty and ugly. Dirty and ugly, period.

There's nothing else there.

Sam, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for speaking with us today.

Always fascinating to talk with you and get another point of view and get people thinking.

Sam Vaknin in there.

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Professor Sam Vaknin discusses obsessional neurosis and its connection to dissociation and self-destructiveness. Obsessions and compulsions are linked to traumatic events, and the mind develops a defense against the trauma, which gives rise to the obsession. Obsession and compulsion are a form of displacement, and they are perceived as beneficial because they restore the sense of control and create a fixed, dependable, reliable point in the obsessed person's life. The opposite of addiction and obsession is connection to oneself and others.


Silencing Denying Your Pain Betrayal Trauma And Betrayal Blindness

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses betrayal trauma theory, which suggests that trauma is perpetrated by someone close to the victim and on whom they rely for support and survival. Betrayal trauma can lead to dissociation, attachment injury, vulnerability, fear, relationship expectations, shame, low self-esteem, communication issues, and barriers to forming new relationships. The section also explores the relationship between betrayal trauma and Stockholm syndrome, with the former being more common. Treatment for betrayal trauma is new, and relational cultural therapy may be the best approach. The section concludes with the idea that trust is essential in relationships.


17 Ways to "Cure" Narcissism (Compilation)

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses various therapies used to treat personality disorders, including behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy. He also describes dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which emphasizes emotional and affect regulation, and other therapies such as cognitive behavioral analysis system of psychotherapy (CBASP), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), pattern-focused psychotherapy, and schema therapy. Vaknin also discusses dynamic psychotherapy, psychodynamic therapy, and psychoanalytic psychotherapy, which are all forms of intensive psychotherapy based on psychoanalytic theory without the element of free association. Finally, he discusses the role of meaning in therapy and introduces three treatment modalities that leverage meaning as a healing tool: the Power Threat Meaning Framework (PTMF), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT-BPD


Therapist Your Father, Wife Your Mother: Transference as Flashback Light

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the concept of transference in psychology, comparing it to a "flashback light" where individuals project emotions and ideas from past relationships onto new figures in their lives. He explains how transference can lead to dysfunctional patterns of behavior and relational dynamics, particularly in individuals with certain attachment styles or personality disorders. Vaknin also delves into the concept of projective identification, where individuals try to force new people in their lives to conform to familiar, often unhealthy, relational patterns from the past. Ultimately, he views transference as a resistance and a repetition compulsion that seeks redemptive resolution but never materializes.


Silent Treatment What Is It, How To Tackle It

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the concept of silent treatment, distinguishing it from other social behaviors and highlighting its characteristics and consequences. He explains that silent treatment is a form of abuse, and provides strategies for coping with and addressing it, including setting boundaries, using "I" statements, practicing self-care, and seeking help. He also emphasizes the damaging effects of silent treatment on both the giver and the receiver, and the importance of not taking it personally.


How You Acquire an Ego (Erikson and Kohut with Daria Żukowska)

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the concept of separation individuation, which is a crucial phase in a child's development where they learn to differentiate themselves from their mother and develop a sense of security. He proposes that there are three phases of separation individuation: infancy, adolescence, and social interaction. Each phase can be disrupted, leading to mental illness or dysfunction. A good enough mother frustrates and pushes the child away, allowing them to explore the world and develop a sense of autonomy.


Choosing a Good Psychotherapist

Psychotherapy has evolved from dogmatic scores to modern methods such as brief therapy, a common factors approach, and eclectic techniques. All therapies have common factors such as the patient seeking help, disclosure and confidences, and the development of mutual trust and respect. Good therapy empowers the client and enhances their ability to properly gauge reality, leading to a stable sense of self-worth, well-being, and competence. Eclectic psychotherapy borrows tools and techniques from a myriad of therapeutic systems, and the only principle that guides modern therapies is what works. Psychological theories of personality provide guidelines as to which treatment modalities should be considered in any given situation and for any given patient.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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