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Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Uploaded 8/28/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Relationships with narcissists peter out slowly, tortuously.

Narcissists do not provide closure. They stalk, they cajole, they beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately they succeed in doing the impossible yet again. They sweep you off your feet. You know better than to succumb to the spurious and superficial charms, and yet you cannot resist yourself.

So, you go back to your so-called relationship and hope for a better ending this time.

You walk on eggshells, you become the epitome of submissiveness, the perfect source of narcissistic supply, the ideal mate or spouse or partner or colleague.

You keep your fingers crossed.


But how does a narcissist react to the resurrection of the world?

Well, this depends on whether you have reentered yourself from a position of strength or from a position of vulnerability and weakness.

The narcissist casts all interactions with other people in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won.

He does not regard you as a partner but is an adversary to be subjugated and defeated.

Thus, as far as he is concerned, your return to the fold is a triumph, proof of his superiority, irresistibility and omnipotence.

If he perceives you as autonomous, dangerously independent and capable of bailing out and abandoning him, the narcissist acts the part of the sensitive, loving, compassionate and empathic counterpart.

Narcissists respect strength. They are all followed by it.

As long as you maintain a non-nonsense attitude, placing the narcissist on probation, he is likely to behave himself.

But if, on the other hand, you have resumed contact because you have capitulated to his threats or because you are manifestly dependent on him financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty. He will exploit your fragility to the maximum.

Following a pro-factorial honeymoon, he will immediately seek to control you and to abuse you yet again.

In both cases, the narcissist's thespian acting reserves are exhausted and his true nature and feelings emerge willy-nilly. The facade crumbles and beneath it lurks the same old heartless forcity that is the narcissist.

His gleeful, smugness that having bent you to his wishes and rules, his all-consuming sense of entitlement, his sexual depravity, his aggression, his pathological envy and rage, they all erupt uncontrollably.

The prognosis for the renewed affair is far worse if it follows a lengthy separation in which you have made a life for yourself with your own interests, pursuits, sets of friends, needs, wishes, plans and obligations.

The more independent you are of your narcissistic ex, the more unrelated you are to him, the more furious he is and the more likely the new relationship will fade.

The narcissist cannot tolerate your separateness. To him you are a mere instrument of gratification or an extension of his bloated, false self.

He resents your pecuniary wherewithal. He is insanely jealous of your friends. He refuses to accept your preferences or compromise his own incentives, dismissive of your accomplishments.

Ultimately the very fact that you have survived without his constant presence seems to deny him his much-needed narcissistic supply.

He writes the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.

Now he berates you, humiliates you publicly, threatens you, destabilizes you by behaving unpredictably, fosters ambient abuse, gaslighting and uses others to intimidate and humble you, abused by proxy.

At this stage of rampant devaluation, you are faced with a tough choice.

To live again, to give up all the emotional and financial investments that went into your attempt to resurrect the relationship or maybe to go on trying, subject to daily abuse and worse.

It's a tough choice.

It is a well-known landscape though. You have been there before.

But this familiarity doesn't make it less nightmarish. You are in Lalaland.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist Pays Heavy Price For Betrayal Fantasy

The Narcissist Betrayal Fantasy is a strategy used by narcissists to get rid of their intimate partners by pushing them to cheat or betray them. This allows the narcissist to maintain the high moral ground and dissolve the shared fantasy, which is highly addictive and difficult to break. The narcissist experiences pain in the form of narcissistic injury or mortification due to the misinterpretation of their actions by others, but this short-term cost is outweighed by the long-term benefits of a victimhood narrative. This strategy is also applied in other relationships, such as friendships and work collaborations, by engineering situations that set people up for failure and then pointing to their misbehavior as justification for ending the relationship.


When Narcissists Become Codependents

Living with a narcissist can be harrowing, and the partner of the narcissist is often molded into the typical narcissist mate, partner, or spouse. The partner must have a deficient or distorted grasp of herself and of reality, and the cognitive distortion of the partner of the narcissist is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself while aggrandizing and adoring the narcissist. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her. The breakup of the relationship with the narcissist is emotionally charged and is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and subjugation.


Hoovered by Narcissist? Now What?

Hoovering is a process where a narcissist attempts to re-establish a connection with a former partner after a breakup, driven by internal dynamics rather than external motivations. This behavior stems from the narcissist's inability to process emotions and their need to resolve feelings of rejection and abandonment, often reenacting early childhood conflicts. The narcissist may either try to rekindle the relationship with the original partner or project their internalized image of that partner onto a new one, seeking to stabilize their internal world. However, the subsequent attempts at reconnection are often unstable and doomed to fail, as the narcissist struggles with identity and emotional regulation, leading to a tragic cycle of repeated hoovering.


Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.


Negative Hoovering, Narcissistic Probing: YOU, the Enemy (Persecutory Object)

The Narcissist undergoes a process of devaluation, where they transform their partner from an idealized figure into a persecutory object, ultimately discarding them. To regain the partner, the Narcissist must re-idealize them while simultaneously ensuring that their attempts to hoover are successful, as they are highly sensitive to rejection. This leads to Narcissistic Probing, where the Narcissist tests the partner's responses and gathers information to assess the likelihood of successful re-engagement. The Narcissist's behaviors, often perceived as grandiose or coercive, stem from deep-seated insecurities and a fragile self-image, compelling them to oscillate between viewing the partner as an ideal and as an enemy.


Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.


Dissolve YOUR Snapshot, Amplify Anxiety of Narcissist: Love Slaves No More!

Two techniques can be employed to temporarily distance oneself from a narcissist: dissolving the idealized snapshot and amplifying the narcissist's abandonment anxiety. Dissolving the snapshot involves actively contradicting the positive perceptions the narcissist has of you while reinforcing their negative views, ultimately forcing them to confront the real you and leading to their discard. Amplifying abandonment anxiety can be achieved by displaying signs of physical weakness or by triangulating with other potential sources of attention, which triggers the narcissist's fear of being left alone. Both strategies exploit the narcissist's psychological vulnerabilities, creating discomfort and disorientation that can push them away.


Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath

In summary, to effectively handle a narcissist in court during divorce and custody proceedings, it is crucial to remain calm, composed, and fact-based. Focus on exposing the narcissist's grandiosity and vulnerabilities by challenging their self-perception and accomplishments, while avoiding appearing vengeful or malicious. Provoke the narcissist indirectly by hinting at their shortcomings and mediocrity, ultimately leading them to lose control and expose their true nature. Maintain a holistic strategy that takes into account both the legal aspects and the narcissist's off-court life.


4-Step Exit Strategy from Relationships with Narcissists (EXCERPT with Conor Ryan, Eyes Wide Open)

An effective exit strategy from a narcissistic relationship involves several key steps: first, avoid attempting to reform or negotiate with the narcissist, as this will likely provoke aggression. Second, maintain secrecy about your plans and act decisively to ensure there are no ties left that the narcissist can exploit. Third, communicate through intermediaries to protect yourself and create a record of interactions, minimizing direct contact. Finally, focus on personal recovery and rebuilding your identity, as the relationship may have left you feeling diminished and dependent.


Narcissist: Stalking is not Hoovering, Humiliation Displacement

Hoovering and stalking, while seemingly similar in behavior, serve different purposes; hoovering is a narcissistic tactic aimed at re-idealizing the self through idealizing another, whereas stalking is about control and often involves manipulation through fear. Hoovering occurs without memory of past abuses, as narcissists approach relationships with a blank slate, seeking to regain narcissistic supply rather than exert control. Female covert narcissists often display a double standard in their relationships, being submissive to dominant figures while exerting dominance over those they perceive as weaker, a behavior explained by the psychological concept of displacement. This displacement allows them to redirect their pent-up negative emotions from those they cannot confront to more vulnerable targets.

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