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Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Uploaded 10/20/2010, approx. 5 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.


Why do good people, churchgoers, pillars of the community, salt of the earth, why do these good people ignore abuse and neglect, even when it is on their doorstep, in their proverbial backyard?

Do they overlook abusive conduct in hospitals, orphanages, shelters, prisons, and families?

Well, a major reason is that it is very difficult to tell apart the abuser and his victim.

In a seminal essay titled Understanding the Badger in Visitation and Custody Disputes, Lanti Bancroft summed it up.

Bathers adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things go so bad and just wants to work it all out for the good of the children.

The abuser may cry and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge. He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems and may state that her family and friends agree with him, that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous.

The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits when professionals believe that they can just tell who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate his claims.

Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in their relationships.

So this is the first reason why people overlook abusive conduct. They simply don't know who is the abuser and who is the victim, but there are other reasons.


First, there is a lack of clear definition. The word abuse is so ill-defined and so open to culture-bound interpretation that no one really understands where it starts and where it ends.

We should distinguish functional abuse from the sadistic variety. The former is calculated to ensure outcomes or to punish transgressors. It is measured, impersonal, efficient, and disinterested. The latter, the sadistic variety of abuse, fulfills the emotional needs of a perpetrator and is very passionate.

This distinction is often blurred. People feel uncertain and therefore reluctant to intervene. The authorities know best, they lie to themselves.

Then there is a general human propensity to avoid the unpleasant. People, even good people, tend to avert their eyes from certain institutions which deal with anomalies and pain, death and illness. They tend to skirt the unsavory aspects of life which no one likes to be reminded of.

Like poor relatives, these institutions and events inside them are ignored and shunned. There is a common guilt. Even good people abuse others habitually.

Abusive conduct is so widespread that no one is exempt. Ours is a narcissistic and therefore abusive civilization.

People who find themselves caught up in the grip of narcissism, for instance, soldiers in war, nurses in hospitals, managers in corporations, parents or spouses in disintegrating and dysfunctional families or incarcerated inmates, tend to feel helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control over their lives. They are rendered vulnerable, powerless and defenceless by events and circumstances which they feel are beyond their influence.

So abuse amounts to exerting an absolute and pervasive domination of the victim's existence. This is a coping strategy employed by the abuser. He wishes to reassert control over his life and thus to re-establish his mastery and superiority and abuse is the way to do that.

By subjugating the victim, the abuser regains his self-confidence and regulates his sense of self-worth.

So abuse is a catharsis. Even perfectly normal and good people, for instance, witness the events in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Even perfectly good and normal people channel their negative emotions, pent-up aggression, humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred and they displace these emotions onto the victim.

The victims of abuse become symbols of everything that's wrong in the abuser's life and the situation he finds himself quoting.

The act of abuse amounts to misplaced and violent venting.

There is also the wish to conform and to belong, the ethics of peer pressure.

Many good people perpetrate heinous acts or refrain from criticising or opposing it all. Why do they do that? They behave this way in order to conform.

Abusing others is their way of demonstrating, of serious obeisance to authority, to affirm their group affiliation, their colleagueship and adherence to the same ethical or unethical code of conduct and common values.

Such good people who become abusers bask in the praise that is heaped on them by their superiors, fellow workers, associates, teammates or collaborators.

We have seen that during the Holocaust when perfectly normal accountants, lawyers, musicians, middle class, average, normal people became SS guards and exterminators in the gas chambers. They wanted to belong, they wanted to conform, they wanted to be praised. Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral or legal considerations. They remain silent to face a neglect of use and atrocities because they feel insecure and they derive their identity almost entirely from the group.

Abuse rarely occurs where it does not have the sanction and blessing of the authorities, whether local or national.

The permissive environment is sine qua non. The more abnormal the circumstances, the less normative the milieu, the further the sin of the crime is from public scrutiny, the more is egregious abuse likely to occur.

This acquiescence is especially true in totalitarian societies where the use of physical force to discipline or eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice. In many cultures, this is also the practice in families, in family units.

Unfortunately, such behavior is also rampant in democratic, civilized, progressive, liberal societies.

Abuse is everywhere, averting our eyes, ignoring it only makes it worse and all pervasive.

One or later, it comes to haunt us, even the good people.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Abuse By Proxy

Abusers often manipulate third parties, such as friends, family, and authorities, to exert control over their victims, using these individuals as unwitting accomplices in their abusive tactics. They create scenarios that provoke social condemnation against the victim, effectively turning society into a tool for their abuse. Victims are frequently portrayed negatively due to the abuser's charm and manipulation, leading others to misinterpret the dynamics of the relationship. Additionally, the abuser can exploit systemic structures, such as therapists and legal authorities, to further isolate and discredit the victim, often using children as leverage in the process.


Abuse Victim as Hostage: Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding

Abusive relationships require two people to sustain, and the abuser and the abused form a bond and dependence. Society often refuses to tackle this phenomenon, and people, mostly women, remain in abusive households for various reasons. The abuser treats their spouse as an object, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs, preferences, wishes, and priorities. The abuser exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological make-up of their victim, and abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies.


It's All My Fault: I Provoked Him

Abusers tend to blame others for their misfortunes, mistakes, and misconduct, and believe that the world is a hostile place out to get them. Victims of abuse often adopt the abusers' point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for the abusers' reprehensible behaviors. Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots, and victims may fear abandonment, grew up in dysfunctional families, or are simply masochistic. Victims should realize that abuse is never a form of expressing love and should analyze their relationship to determine if they can reframe their roles or if they need to plan a getaway.


The Shock of Abuse

Abusers typically mistreat only those closest to them, maintaining a facade of normalcy to the outside world, which often leads to shock when their abusive behavior is revealed. Research indicates that many victims of intimate partner violence are unaware of the true danger they face, even after experiencing prior abuse, due to a combination of secrecy and cognitive dissonance. Victims often rationalize the abuser's behavior, attributing it to external factors or their own shortcomings, which perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Risk factors for severe violence include escalating abuse, substance use, and threats, but subtle forms of maltreatment, termed "ambient abuse," can also pose significant dangers that may go unrecognized until it is too late.


Abuse: Inevitable and Normal?

Abuse is a phenomenon that can be explained by three theories: emergent, hardwired, and as a strategy. The first theory suggests that abuse is learned and acquired behavior that is embedded in social and cultural contexts. The second theory suggests that abuse is a universal phenomenon that is hereditary and associated with mental illness. The third theory suggests that abuse is an adaptive and functional behavior that is used to control and manipulate victims. Understanding the roots of abuse can help society cope with its perpetrators.


The Four Mantras of Victims of Abuse

Victims of abusive relationships often stay in them due to negative automatic thoughts that they have adopted from their abuser. These thoughts include "I am lucky to be with my abuser," "life doesn't get much better than this," "my partner is not worse than others," and "life is a serious business." These thoughts are more common in non-Western societies, where the pursuit of happiness is considered selfish and risky, and the family is centered around procreation and property. Women in these societies often tolerate abuse and domestic violence and act meek and subservient to accommodate their bullying husbands.


System Re-victimizes, Pathologizes Victim, Sides with Offender, Abuser

The systemic response to victims of abuse is often dismissive, pathologizing their experiences while siding with offenders, leading to widespread ignorance among law enforcement and mental health professionals. Educational materials in psychology frequently overlook the significance of abuse, resulting in a lack of understanding of its dynamics and the complexities of victim behavior. Victims often internalize blame and may exhibit symptoms that further complicate their cases, while abusers manipulate perceptions to appear as the aggrieved party. This imbalance in treatment and perception perpetuates a cycle of abuse, making it difficult for victims to receive the support they need from the very systems designed to protect them.


Narcissistic Abuser Cons System

Abusers are often able to deceive mental health and social welfare workers, even when the diagnosis is unequivocal. There are four types of mental health and law enforcement professionals and practitioners who can be co-opted by abusers: adulators, ignorant professionals, self-deceivers, and those who are actively deceived. Mental health professionals are often egocentric and emotionally invested in their opinions, and they may pathologize the behavior of victims who disagree with them. Victims of abuse may need to stage a well-calibrated performance to convince therapists that they are the victim.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers exhibit distinct body language that conveys superiority and entitlement, often maintaining a haughty posture while demanding special treatment and privileges. They oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others, displaying exaggerated admiration or hostility based on their perceived status. Abusers are characterized by a self-centered narrative, frequently using language that emphasizes their own achievements while showing little interest in others. Their serious demeanor and lack of empathy allow them to manipulate social interactions, often masking their dysfunction and abusive behavior from the outside world.


Abusive Ex Leverages Children Against You

Abusive ex-partners often use their children to manipulate and control their former partners. They may co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct, using them as bargaining chips or leverage. The abuser may emotionally blackmail the children, threatening to withhold love and affection if they do not comply with their demands. The abuser may also pervert the system, using therapies, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and even judges to pathologize the victim and separate them from their sources of emotional sustenance.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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