Background

The Four Mantras of Victims of Abuse

Uploaded 7/31/2018, approx. 5 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

It is a fact that people's stay-on remain in abusive relationships. They tolerate verbal abuse, psychological abuse, taunting, humiliation, rejection, denigration, belittling. They tolerate psychological warfare tactics, brainwashing, manipulation, gaslighting, ambient abuse, abused by proxy, scare-mongering, and they shoulder on, they remain. They lack self-confidence. The self-esteem is short. Their so-called loving and intimate partner makes sure of it.

Consequently, they are not able to regulate their sense of self-worth. All is good and true, but why don't they simply pick up their things, those of them who can, and sign off?

Even in childless, loveless, sexless marriages, when nothing binds the couple, both of them stay on. The perpetrator, the predator, and his prey, the hunter in the hunt.

This is because victims adopt four negative automatic thoughts. These negative automatic thoughts are propagated and promulgated by the abuser, but over the years, years or even decades of brainwashing, repetition, and convincing displays of authority and supreme knowledge, the victim adopts the stance of the abuser.

The victim internalizes what the abuser says. The victim becomes his or her own abuser by extension. We call this process interjection, and the result of interjection is an introvert.

What are these four sentences?

The first sentence is, I am lucky to be with my abuser. I am worthless, damaged goods. I am lucky to have found even my abuser. If I leave the relationship, who else would want me? Where will I find another partner?

The answer is, of course, no one. Better the devil that you know than the numerous demons who would not even come here.

The second sentence is what I call the best of all worlds. It says, life is harsh. Life doesn't get much better than this. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but that is merely an optical illusion, but fake a Morgenstern.

This is as good as it gets, so get used to it.

The third sentence is, my partner is not worse than others, and he is really trying. This is what I call malignant optimism.

The sentence says, every other partner I may find will have his own flaws, his own quirks, his own character defects, and his own personality problems or even disorders. I will have to accommodate all these all over again. I don't have the energy for them. I don't have the stamina. Better stick with what I know.

No one guarantees that my next partner will not be even worse than the partner I have right now.

Of course, the fourth sentence is: "Life is a serious business. It is not about the selfish pursuit of elusive happiness. It is about meeting your obligations and getting on with it."

At best, one can expect companionship and mutual support in old age. All the rest is a delusion, anything more than that is self-defeating and destructive wishful thinking.

This kind, this last sentence, is much more common among non-Western societies. Western psychotherapy is centered around and focused on the restoration of the individual's functionality and autonomy, and the attainment of happiness.

I have lived in 15 countries on four continents. I have discovered that only a very small minority of humanity adhere to these values and principles.

Autonomy, independence, and happiness are not universal values. The majority of humanity emphatically and often vociferously reject them. Western psychology is vehemently castigated all over the world as decadent and even in some quarters as a colonial instrument. The West is out to get your mind now that it had lost control of your country.

Consider the most basic unit, the family. In most societies and countries in the world, the family is sacred. It is centered around procreation, not recreation. Children and property are by far more important than the pursuit of happiness.

Actually, the pursuit of happiness is considered both selfish and risky. In other words, stupid.

Why risky? Because to pursue contentment and gratification, to aspire to bliss, is to assiduously avoid making the long-term sacrifices required in order to maintain a harmonious and productive cooperative.

Everything is secondary to these long-term goals.

Children and property.

Women tolerate abuse and domestic violence. Women act meek and subservient in order to accommodate their bullying husbands in these societies. Women undergo harmful medical procedures to conform to their husbands or boyfriend's ideals of beauty.

Spouses, both wives and husbands, accept extramarital offense, accept infidelity and adultery. They accept it as inescapable.

You are permitted to secure love, intimacy, and sex outside the marriage because you are not likely to get them inside the marriage.

As long as you sleep at home, as long as you make children a business only with your spouse, everything else you do is your own business.

In some strange way, these societies are much more tolerant of polyamory than the West.

Everyone in such societies mocks the more individualistic and rebellious members as egotistical exceptions.

So women or men who are individualistic, who pursue happiness, pursue their own goals, are rebellious, do not conform to social mores.

They are cast as sacrilegious or insane.

To maintain the status quo, reactionary forms of medieval religion, the Church, join forces with oppressive patriarchy, inane psychiatry and medicine, and stifling political authoritarianism in most of these territories.

That is the true picture of the globe, not the enclaves in California.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Abuse Victim as Hostage: Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding

Abusive relationships require two people to sustain, and the abuser and the abused form a bond and dependence. Society often refuses to tackle this phenomenon, and people, mostly women, remain in abusive households for various reasons. The abuser treats their spouse as an object, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs, preferences, wishes, and priorities. The abuser exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological make-up of their victim, and abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies.


Abuse Victim's Body: Effects of Abuse and Its Aftermath

Abuse and torture have long-lasting and frequently irreversible effects on the victim's body, including panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, intrusive memories, and suicidal ideation. Victims experience psychosomatic or real bodily symptoms, some of them induced by the secretion of stress hormones, such as cortisol. Victims are affected by abuse in a variety of ways, including PTSD, which can develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse, in the aftermath of drawn-out traumatic situations such as domestic divorce.


Shyness or Narcissism? Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and a lack of self-confidence. People with this disorder are shy and socially inhibited, and even constructive criticism is perceived as rejection. They avoid situations that require interpersonal contact and find it difficult to establish intimate relationships. The disorder affects 0.5 to 1% of the general population and is often co-diagnosed with mood and anxiety disorders, dependent and borderline personality disorders, and cluster A personality disorders.


It's All My Fault: I Provoked Him

Abusers tend to blame others for their misfortunes, mistakes, and misconduct, and believe that the world is a hostile place out to get them. Victims of abuse often adopt the abusers' point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for the abusers' reprehensible behaviors. Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots, and victims may fear abandonment, grew up in dysfunctional families, or are simply masochistic. Victims should realize that abuse is never a form of expressing love and should analyze their relationship to determine if they can reframe their roles or if they need to plan a getaway.


When Loved Ones Murder YOU (English Interview Ukrainian TV)

The text discusses the complexities of domestic violence, including the reasons victims may stay with their abusers, the psychological dynamics of abuse, the legal and cultural aspects of domestic violence, and the distinction between victims and survivors. It also addresses the rare instances when victims may resort to violence against their abusers and the potential consequences.


Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.


System Re-victimizes, Pathologizes Victim, Sides with Offender, Abuser

The system, including academic institutions, law enforcement agencies, and the courts, often fails to take victims of abuse seriously and instead pathologizes and diminishes them. This is due to a lack of education and awareness about abuse and domestic violence. Abusers are often possessive, jealous, dependent, and narcissistic, while victims may blame themselves or have a history of abuse. Mental health professionals may also be biased towards the abuser and pathologize the victim, making it difficult for victims to receive proper help. Victims may need to stage a well-calibrated performance to convince therapists that they are victims and not be re-victimized by the system.


Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in Victims and Survivors of Abuse

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults. However, PTSD can also develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse, providing it is acute and prolonged, and in the aftermath of drawn-out traumatic situations such as a nasty divorce. The diagnostic and statistical manual criteria for diagnosing PTSD are far too restrictive, and hopefully, the text will be adopted to reflect this. PTSD can take a long time to appear and lasts more than one month, usually much longer.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy