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Loving Gaze, Adulating Gaze: False vs. True Self

Uploaded 11/23/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

In the film, The Beaver, the character played by Mel Gibson suffers from depression. He latches on to a tattered puppet in the shape of a beaver and communicates exclusively through it. The beaver is everything his ostensible master is not. The beaver is daring, exuberant, omnipotent and omniscient, gregarious, resourceful, charismatic and charming. Good father, good chief executive officer and good company all around.

In short, the beaver is the reification of the protagonist's false self.

When his wife, played by Jodie Foster, confronts him, having exposed his configurations and the need to let go of the contraption, the beaver rages at her and asserts his superiority, invincibility and brilliance.

The depressive water, the true self, is derided by the beaver as a dysfunctional wreck, utterly dependent on the beaver's administrations and the interference the beaver runs on his beaver.

The film ends unrealistically with Walter mutilating his body, literally, in order to rid himself of the domineering and old pervasive appendage.

I say unrealistically because narcissists never succeed in resuscitating their dilapidated and crushed true self.

The narcissist is his false self.

So in reality, water should have been devoured and consumed by the beaver.

But then we would not have a typical syrupy, happy ending, would we?


Back to reality.

Both the true self and the false self depend on the gaze of others.

The false self relies on adulation and attention, narcissistic supply, for the maintenance of the precarious, confabulated, fantastic grandiose and counterfactual narrative that is the narcissist's persona, his public face.

Without the constant flow of such high-quality input and feedback, without the adulating gaze, the narcissist crumbles like a house of ephemeral cards and resorts to a variety of dysfunctional, self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors and psychological defense mechanisms.

Similarly and equally, the true self needs a loving gaze to sustain itself. Another person's love serves two purposes. It confirms the existence of the true self as a lovable object and thus lays the groundwork and facilitates the necessary and sufficient conditions for self-love.

Additionally, another person's loving gaze allows the true self to perceive the existence of a safe, loving and holding other. Such insight is the very foundation of empathy.

Do the false and true self ever duel it out? Do they fight it out? Is there a David versus Goliath, good versus evil, the beaver versus water thing in reality?

Alas, they never do.

The false self is concocted by the narcissist to fend off and ameliorate hurt and pain. The false self is perfect, impenetrable, impermeable. The false self is a shield, a cocoon. It rewards the narcissist by flogging him with warm, fuzzy, exhilarating feelings, and it sustains the narcissist's delusions and fantasies.

The false self is the narcissist's dreams come true. In other words, as far as the narcissist is concerned, the false self is adaptive and functional, a good thing.

The narcissist is emotionally invested in the false self and he actually despises the true self for having failed to cope with the exigencies and vicissitudes of the narcissist's life.

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Narcissistic mortification is a challenge to the false self, which crumbles and is unable to maintain defenses and pretensions. Narcissists use two strategies to restore some cohesiveness to the self: deflated and inflated narcissist. Narcissists engage in mortification, a form of self-mutilation, to feel alive and free from commitment to their false self. Narcissists seek out borderline women to mortify them and experience the unresolved primary conflict with their mother.


How Narcissist Is Mortified

Narcissism can be addressed through behavior modification and treatment modalities, but pathological narcissism remains largely immutable. Mortification occurs when a narcissist's grandiose self-perception is challenged, leading to a collapse of their defenses and a confrontation with their true self. This process is exacerbated by aphantasia, which prevents narcissists from visualizing others empathetically, and the misinformation effect, which distorts their memories and self-perception based on external inputs. Ultimately, narcissists may create rich false memories to cope with the shame and humiliation of mortification, reinforcing their grandiosity and distorting their reality.


Narcissist's False Self HATES, FEARS Your Intimacy!

The false self of a narcissist serves as a protective mechanism, compensating for the inadequacies of the true self, which is often traumatized and vulnerable. This false self not only isolates the true self but also prevents the narcissist from experiencing healthy intimacy and emotional regulation, viewing such connections as threats and competition. As a result, the false self maintains control over the narcissist's perceptions and emotions, leading to a cycle of dependency and resistance to change. Ultimately, the false self hinders the development of a coherent identity and healthy relationships, perpetuating the narcissist's psychological distress.


How I Experience My False Self

Narcissism manifests as a false self that overtakes the individual, leading to a profound sense of emptiness and disconnection from one's true identity. This false self, initially created as a protective mechanism against trauma, ultimately consumes the individual, rendering them a mere observer of their own life. The struggle between the false self and the desire for authenticity creates a paradox where the individual seeks validation and love, yet feels fundamentally absent and incapable of genuine connection. The realization of this absence leads to a terrifying acceptance of a life lived in a shared fantasy, where true liberation seems unattainable.


Narcissist: Ego Outsourced, Self Faked (ENGLISH responses, with Nárcisz Coach)

The false self is the only psychodynamically active element in narcissistic individuals, functioning as a substitute for the ego, which they lack. This false self allows narcissists to interact with reality and fulfill essential ego functions, such as self-appraisal, by seeking validation from others. The original self, having been traumatized, metaphorically "dies" to escape pain, leading to the development of a grandiose false self that isolates the individual from suffering. Ultimately, this results in a profound emptiness, as the narcissist becomes a hollow facade, leaving victims with a sense of horror and disorientation upon realizing the absence of a genuine self behind the mask.


Narcissistic Mortification: From Shame to Healing via Trauma, Fear, and Guilt

Narcissistic mortification occurs when a narcissist is confronted with the reality of their imperfections, leading to feelings of defeat and terror as their false self crumbles. This experience is often triggered by external challenges or criticisms that clash with their idealized self-image, resulting in a disorienting realization of their limitations. The narcissist may respond to this mortification through various defense mechanisms, such as grandiosity or aggression, as they struggle to regain a sense of control and avoid facing their true self. Ultimately, mortification can serve as a potential catalyst for healing, as it forces the narcissist to confront their condition and the possibility of reintegrating with their true self.


Narcissism: Silence of the Introjects, Including You (Multitasking to Infantilism)

The false self in pathological narcissism serves to silence the inner voices and introjects that conflict with its grandiose self-image, effectively acting as a censor. Narcissists can be categorized into two groups: those with a bad object who compensate with an idealized false self, and those who only possess an idealized object due to overindulgent upbringing. The false self not only suppresses these introjects but also misidentifies itself as the authentic self, leading to a distorted perception of reality. When the narcissist experiences mortification, the suppressed introjects can resurface, causing significant internal turmoil and emotional dysregulation.


Narcissists Hate Therapists

Narcissists regard therapy as a competitive sport and often try to prove themselves equal to the psychotherapist in knowledge, experience, or social status. They use professional psychological lingo and terms to level the playing field and create a shared psychosis between themselves and the therapist. Narcissists have a dilapidated and dysfunctional true self overtaken and suppressed by a false self, and therapy aims to create the conditions for the true self to resume its growth. Change is brought about only through incredible powers of torsion and wreckage, and it takes nothing less than a real crisis.


When the Narcissist's Parents Die

The death of a narcissist's parents can be a complicated experience. The narcissist has a mixed reaction to their passing, feeling both elation and grief. The parents are often the source of the narcissist's trauma and continue to haunt them long after they die. The death of the parents also represents a loss of a reliable source of narcissistic supply, which can lead to severe depression. Additionally, the narcissist's unfinished business with their parents can lead to unresolved conflicts and pressure that deforms their personality.


Narcissist Can't Feel Lovable, Good, Worthy, Self-rejects

Negative identity in narcissism involves defining oneself in contrast or contradiction to others, either positively or negatively. This can lead to self-rejection, self-loathing, and the creation of a false self to compensate for the perceived inadequacy of the true self. This process is further complicated by the narcissist's autoplastic and alloplastic defenses, as well as their external and internal locus of control. Ultimately, the narcissist's pursuit of goals and accomplishments to satisfy their false self serves as a form of self-rejection, as they are constantly reminded of their inadequacy and worthlessness in comparison to the false self.

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