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Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl? (Compilation)

Uploaded 2/25/2024, approx. 1 hour 59 minute read

My principle of the dual mothership in the Narcissist shared fantasy says that the narcissist and his intimate partner or friend or colleague doesn't matter.

The narcissist and the partner in the shared fantasy convert each other into maternal figures in the search for unconditional love and acceptance.

It's like having a second childhood, a chance at getting things right, finally having failed in the original childhood.

But wait a minute, many of you ask me, where is daddy in all this?

Where's the father?

What is the father's role?

Well, fathers, of course, are very important in personal development and growth, but at a much later stage, after age three years, mothers are the critical figures between zero and three years old.

When I say mother, let it be clear.

It's anyone in the child's life, in the infant's life, anyone who fulfills a maternal role, anyone who is the primary caregiver, the primary object, could be a grandmother, could be a neighbor in the absence of a mother, of a functioning mother, when the mother is what is called in psychology, a dead mother, absent, selfish, sick, instrumentalizing, identifying, abusive, whatever, when the mother is not there, there's always another person, very often another person, who takes over the maternal role.

And that person is the mother I'm referring to.

The narcissist and his intimate partner try to find in each other this maternal figure in order to resolve conflicts of early childhood that remain open.

And this is known as repetition compulsion.

Father comes into the picture much later. Father is what is known as a socialization agent.

Father brings into the picture society, its edicts, its expectations, its scripts, its beliefs, its values, and its injunctions.

Now everyone can have daddy issues, men and women alike, people with mental health disorders such as borderline personality disorder and people who are completely healthy.

Anyone and everyone can have daddy issues.

When a woman has daddy issues, when she has unresolved conflicts or problems with her father, later in life when she becomes an adult, she seeks care, protection, approval, acceptance, understanding, support, validation, adoration, attention, worship.

She seeks someone to tell her what reality is known as reality testing and unconditional love.

Now we all are looking for these things, but women with daddy issues are looking for these things in a man who is much older and resembles a father figure.

Women with daddy issues are looking for, believe it or not, pampering, safety, guidance, instruction, discipline, regulation of sense of self-worth, grandiosity, and unconditional love.

These are the spurses and tenets of daddy issues.

In both genders, a father who is dysfunctional, who is remote, who is cold, who is distant, who is rejecting, a dead father so to speak, affects the process of socialization, acculturation, and the regulation of anxiety.

A dead mother on the other hand does not allow the child to separate from her and to become an individual.

So these are two distinct classes of problems.

When the mother is problematic, dysfunctional, instrumentalizes the child, treats the child as an extension, there's a problem with separation, individuation.

The child has never become a person.

And the child would go through life seeking to recreate and reenact the relationship with his mother so as to allow himself to separate and to individuate.

Hence the repetitive patterns in relationships with narcissists, idealization, devaluation, discard.


Now when the father is the problem, there will be an attempt to recreate a father figure who would stand in for society, would bring the world into the person.

So in both cases, we are talking about situations where the father or the mother, the original ones, the biological ones, have failed, have failed to act as fathers or mothers.

And the opposite is also true when the child is pedestalized, idolized, pampered, smothered.

When the child experiences emotional incest, when the relationship is disproportionately and inappropriately closed with father or with mother, all this induces the same outcomes.

Now people with daddy issues can simultaneously have mommy issues.

Narcissists for example, they have mommy issues so they are looking to, they want to convert their intimate partners into mothers and then separate from these mothers, newly found mothers.

But many narcissists also have daddy issues and they would tend to be falling and people pleasing to a figure who is authoritative and father-like, avuncular if you wish.

So they would go through life, narcissists of this type, compounded narcissists, would go through life looking for both a maternal figure and a paternal figure, a substitute mother and a substitute father.

Do not conflate and confuse these issues, they are not the same.

Ok, panikos and panikosot.

Panikos means bunnies like in Playboy and today we are going to discuss daddy issues.

Daddy's girl, mama's boy going back all the way to that ancient and wise Jew, Zygmunt Freud and his father complex.

Yes, may come as a shock to you, but men can also have daddy issues.


Today we are going to describe the whole panoply of the psychodynamics, the reasons behind the etiology and the types of behaviours that characterise these kind of people who never had a good enough father to start with.

And just to make clear, I am not referring in this video to those sweet little things known as sugar babes and they are looking for sugar daddies.

I am also not referring to these industrious gold diggers who mine for older men the way other people mine for Bitcoin.

So I am not, in this video, I am not going to deal with women who target older men for their money.

There is a name for this kind of behaviour and for this kind of profession and it is far outside the remit of a channel which deals with psychology.

So today we are going to discuss with the psychological phenomenon known erroneously as daddy's issues.

Now daddy's issues, daddy issues, men use this to slut shame women.

Men berate and demean and degrade women by telling them you have daddy issues.

The irony of course is that daddy issues are much more common among men than among women.

That is not me, that is Zygmunt Freud who coined the phrase 'father complex'.

But before we go there, there is something very important to understand.

It is called self-splitting.

And a proposed splitting, it is time to introduce myself to those of you who had not been traumatised by me in the near past.

My name is Salvaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I am also a professor of psychology and today I am blue, in shirt if not in mood.

The thing to remember before we proceed is a phenomenon which I describe as self-splitting.

The woman with daddy issues, the men with daddy issues, they tend to split themselves.

Just to refresh your memory, splitting is a primitive defence mechanism.

It's a defence mechanism employed by toddlers and infants and that's why we say that it's an infantile defence mechanism.

Ditimous thinking, also known as Dictimous Thinking, simply means that people see the world in terms of black and white, evil versus good, all wrong or right.

Dividing the world into two opposing mutually exclusive camps is splitting.

When you do the same thing to yourself, you are self-splitting.

So for example, a typical woman with a borderline personality disorder, she would tend to describe herself simultaneously as a whore and a princess, a slut and a diamond.

She would then slice off the bad aspects or the self-perceived bad and shameful aspects of her personality and behaviours and she would say, "That's not me, that's when I'm drunk, that's just a face, that's just a passing state of mind.

At the core, I'm pure, at the core, I'm unadulterated, at the core, I'm honest and sincere.

Yes, I've cheated on all my boyfriends and husbands but that wasn't me." This is a process of self-splitting.

Men with daddy issues would do the same.

They would say, "I have high moral standards except when I'm confronted." Or "I have anger issues but except for this, I'm a swell guy." Or "I usually behave this way except when I don't." So it's like splitting yourself in two.

I call it self-states.

People with daddy issues have self-states.

Notice that I'm not using the word women with daddy issues because as I've said, it's common among men even more so than among women.

Back to Freud, what else?

This guy has put his finger on every conceivable issue in psychology. It's mind-boggling.

The genius of these men is mind-boggling.

He got many things wrong and consequently he is not being taught in the majority of universities in the West but he got so many things right.

One of the things he got right is what he called the father complex.

The father complex proceeded actually.

What later came to be known as the Oedipus complex.

The Oedipus complex is a young boy's attraction to his mother and feelings of competition with his father.

A young boy as he matures, evolves and so on, falls in love with his mother. He develops infatuation and limerence with his own mother, the only female around.

Of course, he competes for her with the only other male around, the father.

This is known as the Oedipus complex.

There are no studies, no experiments and no tests that had substantiated any of this but it cannot stand to reason.

It's plausible.

Freud initially focused on boys and he said boys had daddy issues and then he later tied it in with the Oedipus complex.

It was Jung actually, Carl Jung, his disciple and then his adversary.

Carl Jung had suggested that girls have the same problem.

He called it the Elektra complex.

He said that girls develop a competitive streak with their mothers. They fall in love with their fathers and then they compete with the mother.

Exactly as a boy falls in love with his mother and competes with his father, a girl falls in love with her father and competes with her mother.

The Elektra complex and the Oedipus complex lead to severe problems with fathers in both cases.

In Freud's theory of psychosexual development, both the Oedipus and the Elektra complex arise between the ages of three and five years old.

In other words, during the formative years.

Again according to Freud, if this issue is not resolved by the end of this stage of development, by the end, by let's say age six, children become fixated on the opposite parent sex.

According to Jung, girls do the same.

Both boys and girls become fixated on the opposite sex parent and competitive and adversarial with the same sex parent.

And this is a lifelong condition, a mother fixation, a mama's boy and a father fixation which leads to daddy issues.

And of course this reflects upon later life adult relationships.

Now we do have studies, there's a small bibliography in the description to this video.

Down, down, description is down, thank you very much.

So there is a small cohort of studies that had shown for example that there is a strong correlation between promiscuity and sexual recklessness in both women and men, by the way, when the father is absent or when the father is not good enough, we'll discuss what kind of father engenders these responses later in life.

We discuss it a bit later.

But generally speaking, when the father is not there emotionally and physically, people, both men and women tend to develop promiscuity and sexual recklessness, feelings of inadequacy, a lack of self confidence and self esteem and a quest to find father substitutes later in life.

Mind you, the promiscuity and sexual recklessness are more common among women and the lack of self confidence, the quest for validation and for substitute father figures, that's more common among men.

What do women with daddy issues, what are they looking for?

What do they want?

They want care, including financial care, which is why it's very easy to confuse women with daddy issues with gold diggers or sugar babes.

But gold diggers and sugar babes don't have daddy issues, they have money issues.

Women with daddy issues also seek money from older men, but they do this because it's a sign of caring, it's a sign of love.

Money is a love substitute, so if the man gives them money, he loves them, he cares for them.

Protection, approval, acceptance, understanding, succor, support, validation, adoration, attention, worship, all unconditional love.

This is what women are looking for in older men, women with daddy issues.

But it goes even deeper, women with daddy issues would usually use older men as a kind of reality testing.

They would adhere to the way the older men view the world.

This creates cult like situations where the older man is the cult leader and the younger woman with daddy issues is a cult follower or a cult member.

Men on the other hand, men with daddy issues, they are looking to be pampered, they are looking for safety, they are looking to regulate the sense of self-worth, they are grandiose, many of them are narcissistic, and they are also looking for conditional love.

In both genders, men and women, there is one commonality, one common denominator, what I would call a dead father.

Not really dead physically.

Andre Green in 1978 coined the phrase "dead mother" to describe a mother who is not good enough, a mother who is absent, selfish, depressive, parentified, instrumentalizing, using, provides conditional love, love conditioned on performance, etc.

This kind of absent, selfish mother is also insecure and doesn't allow the child to separate from her, to set boundaries and to become an individual.

There was a dead mother.

Similarly, I think there is a dead father.

It's a father who is absent, a father who is selfish, a father who is an alcoholic, preoccupied with other things, a father who doesn't know to express emotions and love or doesn't feel emotions and love, a father with an insecure attachment style, a father who is avoidant, annoyed, dismissive, fearful, a father who is antisocial, psychopathic or narcissistic, a father who is merely grandiose, a father who doesn't interact well socially with his own children or with other people.

That would be a dead father.

And such a dead father would affect the socialization process of his children.

The main socialization agents are mother in the earliest and father after age six.

Father teaches his children, both male and female, how to function in the world, anything from gender roles to sexual scripts to social scripts to proper behavior, sublimatory channels behaving in socially acceptable ways, suppressing impulses, urges and drives, etc. etc.

This all comes from the father.

He also teaches his children skills and talents, anything from playing baseball to fixing the electricity.

So the father is a conveyor, everything that society has to offer.

And the father, who is not good enough, does a bad job of this.

He doesn't socialize his children properly.

And this gives rise to anxiety.

People who are socially inept, for example, autistic people, narcissistic people, they are psychopathic people, they're highly anxious.

The dead mother prevents the child from separating, setting boundaries and becoming an individual.

The dead father, the father who is absent, the father who is selfish, the father who is preoccupied, this kind of father prevents the child from developing full fledged object relations and the ability to gainfully interact with other people, self-efficacy, autonomy and agency.

The dead father and the dead mother create stilted, arrested development children.

Similarly, a mother or a father who are disproportionately close to the child, extremely close, who are incestuous, whether emotionally or let alone physically, this kind of fathers and mothers have the same effect, ironically.

So being too distant, being too detached, being unattached has the same effect like being too close for comfort, breaching the child's boundaries, violating the child in every which way, especially sexually or erotically with incestuous undertones or overt incest.

This complex of dead mother and dead father shutters the core beliefs, the narratives that the children have.

Children with dead fathers and dead mothers, they have the difficulty to maintain stable core beliefs about their identity.

This is called identity disturbance, about who they are, about their sense of self-worth.

Consequently they are unable to trust other people and they feel that they are not in control of their lives and actions.

They have an external locus of control.

Because they are so anxious, because they are so insecure, they develop repetition compulsions.

The children of dead fathers approach and then avoid or they become abusive.

Abused is a way to test the resilience and veracity of a relationship.

Children of dead fathers, girls, women with daddy issues and men with daddy issues or mother's boys, they have insecure attachment styles.

They have an impaired reality testing.

But they also have what Bianca Rodriguez, the licensed marriage and family therapist, calls an impaired intimacy template.

They don't know how to do intimacy to cut a long story short.

They are likely to have what I call an intimacy cloud.

They are likely to spread their intimacy among dozens of people and not to get really deeply intimate with any one of them.

Which leads of course to behaviors like extra-diatic or extra-marital affairs, cheating, betrayal of all sorts, switching between partners, rapid switching, rapid cycling between partners, recycling of partners and hoovering, etc. etc.

The intimacy cloud is very common among women with daddy issues and men with daddy issues.

Amy Rollo, which is a psychotherapist and owner of the Heights Family Council in Houston, Texas, says that there are three tests as to whether you suffer from these issues.

One, you are being anxious when you are not with your partner.

Two, you need lots of reassurance that the relationship is okay, repeated reassurance.

Number three, you see any negativity is a sign that the relationship is doomed.

This is known as catastrophizing.

So we have a whole panoply, a whole gamut of behaviors which are actually very common in borderline personality disorder.

It is an open question whether what we call daddy issues, daddy issues, I'm sorry, daddy's girl, mama's boy, whether this is not actually borderline personality disorder, a form of emotional dysregulation.

Narcissism, borderline, they may be facets of one and the same thing.

We are beginning to believe the recent research shows that overt narcissists are probably primary psychopaths and the only true form of narcissism is compensatory, what used to be called covert, fragile, shy or vulnerable narcissist.

Now, the covert narcissist is not easy to distinguish or differentiate from the borderline.

I have a video which deals with this.

And so I think it's a safe bet to say that most women with daddy issues and many men with daddy issues are actually grandiose borderlines, either outright borderlines or covert borderlines.

In other words, it's a borderline, it's a borderline issue which involves emotional dysregulation, affect dysregulation, problems in relationships, recklessness, problems in regulating empathy and acting out the compensation and so on and so forth.

Everything that we usually describe when we discuss borderline personality disorder.

Similarly, the dynamics of the relationship of women with daddy issues resemble very much the Cartman drama triangle.

The Cartman drama triangle, there's a video on this channel dedicated to it, but generally speaking it involves three people. There's the abuser, the victim and the rescuer or fixer or savior and they interchange. They switch the roles. That's what most people and self-styled experts online don't realize. The roles are switched all the time. The victim becomes an abuser, the abuser becomes a savior, the savior becomes an abuser and the savior becomes a victim. That's the Cartman drama triangle is very, very fluid and very dynamic and it characterizes the relationships of women and men with daddy issues.

Again, tangential to bordering on borderline personality disorder.

When do women and men develop daddy issues? What gives rise to daddy issues? What is the etiology of daddy issues?

I've mentioned already unhealthy clothes bonds. Some teenage girls would tell you that they are daddy's girl and it would tell you this proudly. This is an important determinant of their identity. You ask them who they are and daddy's girl. These are favored. They've been favored. They're the princesses. Daddy took good care of them, spoiled them and bribed them. Very often there's inappropriate behavior between daddy's girls and daddy and it could spill over into seriously unpleasant situations, even illegal situations such as incest.

But that's rare. What is much more common is an incestuous erotic overtone, parentifying the girl. The girl becomes daddy's second wife or first wife and colludes with daddy against mommy. Mommy is the bad guy. Mommy is the cause for father's pain and hurt and depression and the girl takes it upon herself to parentify daddy or to become his spouse, his real spouse. It's an exceedingly unhealthy dynamic, this type of clothes bonds. These girls, as I said, are put on a pedestal. They're pampered, spoiled, they're worshipped, they're idolized, they're princesses and they feel that they resemble their daddy's the most compared to the other siblings.

These are golden girls, golden children and they're rewarded by daddy. They emulate daddy, they imitate daddy, they always agree with daddy, they support daddy, always never mind what and daddy rewards them for this. Very often with material goods. They tend to be also physically attractive. They are treated by their daddies as a date or aromatic partner. This leads to severe mental, emotional and sexual issues later in life. If it escalates to actual sexual abuse, it's detrimental to the woman's ability to maintain a healthy relationship, healthy adult relationship with an intimate partner of the opposite sex.

So unhealthy clothes bonds is the first reason for first part of the etiology for daddy issues. The opposite, I mentioned before, is equally true.

A daddy who is not supportive, who is not attentive, who is distant and remote and detached, who doesn't pay any attention to his girl, doesn't provide her with any feedback and doesn't constitute a male role model. She would then seek attention compulsively with other men in her life, trying to make up for the attention deficit in early life. There's no validation, no sacchar, no help, no holding, no containment, no hugs, no emotional expression. It's like the father has never been there, is absent, preoccupied, detached, away, selfish, self-centered. And so the two situations, bonds which are too close, bonds which are too distant, both of them lead more or less to the same outcome, a compulsive pursuit of male attention and male gratification, especially with older males, which is a good definition of daddy issues.

Sexual abuse is the most extreme form. Young children are vulnerable, they trust their parents, they don't have appropriate boundaries. Their parents, the parents are the one who should set boundaries to start with.

And so some adults cross this line, it could be a parent, it could be a parental figure, an avant-cula uncle, a neighborhood authority figure, a teacher, these are all in the child's mind perceived as father figures.

And so sexual abuse of minors, especially by men, creates extreme emotions, dysregulated, overwhelming emotions in children, not the list of which are shame and guilt.

Children of course cannot blame adults for anything that happens because adults are god-like, adults are divine, adults are infallible, they never commit mistakes.

Children are dependent on adults.

They are dependent on adults for life, for food, for shelter.

They can't afford to perceive adults in their lives as evil.

It's too threatening, such children tend to blame themselves.

They take on the responsibility for everything that happens, a divorce or a sexual liaison.

Children want to love these parental or paternal figures, authority figures or real family members.

They want to love them, they want to spend time with them, they want to play games with them, they want sometimes to care for them or to want to be cared for.

But the pain of the abuse, the violation of the boundaries, the fear, the disgust, they're there, they're always there.

And they impair, impair and hamper any ability to interact properly with father figures.

That carries on later into adult life when these women and men are unable to interact with older men in appropriate ways.

And so they either sexualize the relationship with older men or they become defiant and reactant and consummation.

They hate authority and they attack older men or they try to imitate and emulate older men and they lose their identity altogether.

They become copies or clones of selected older men.

The self-blame, the guilt, the shame, the trauma, the neglect, all these carry on into adult life.

Absentee dads, deadbeat dads, but also emotionally absent dads.

Dads who are never around, fathers who work shifts or work away, fathers who had left the family, drug addicts, alcoholics, dads who are physically distant or workaholics, emotionally distant, emotionally unavailable, they leave the same wounds as well because they create an insatiable need for validation and attention later in life.

Validation and attention from older men, women and men with daddy issues compulsively seek a substitute father later in life.

Women offer sex to older men in order to gain the feeling of approval, advice, company to somehow compensate for the lack of physical and emotional intimacy that she had craved as a child and was denied.

So there's an explicit trade-off here.

Women with daddy issues offer sex almost instantaneously to older men.

They know that sex is a hook.

They're going to captivate the older men, get him addicted and then he's going to function as a father.

He's going to care for the woman with daddy issues.

He's going to offer money.

There's a love substitute.

He's going to protect her.

He's going to be around all the time, adoring her and worshipping her.

He's going to pay her attention.

He's going to solve all her problems magically.

There's magic in the air with an older man because it's a regression to early childhood and a second chance to have a father who this time might be a good enough father.

It is therefore very crucial to have the right kind of father or not at all.

And this is a point that I've made in another video on this channel when I discuss the rules of fathers, of fathers necessary.

Can fathers be good enough mothers?

If the father is an absentee father, if the father is an incestuous father, if the father is a bribing father, if the father parentifies his daughter or his son, doesn't matter, the wrong kind of father, better off without a father.

Either you have the right kind of father or no father at all.

In both cases, psychodynamic, psychological outcomes are good.

But if you have the wrong type of father, psychological outcomes are seriously bad.

There are many studies, and I refer you to a few of them in the description.

Now, there are many studies that show that there are fewer behavioral problems in children who spend time with fathers.

But the missing part is it has to be the right kind of time.

It has to be quality time.

And precious few fathers, if any, offer this kind of time.

If you have a father in your life, and he offers you a lot of time, but it's the wrong kind of time, it's an invasive time, it's a demeaning and degrading time, it's time for criticism, it's time for control, power plays and mind games.

If it's a father who is reluctantly with you because he has to be with you, it's like a chore.

A father would have a detrimental effect on your personal development and growth throughout the lifespan.

There's no healthy dynamic with this kind of father.

It increases negative behavioral problems.

If the father is physically abusive, which a large proportion of fathers are, that compounds the problem.

There's evidence, pretty conclusive evidence, that daddy issues can traumatize adolescents, and lead to anxiety, depression and social withdrawal, which is mistaken for social anxiety or social shyness.

Adolescence also tend to mimic aggression and violent behavior.

So an antisocial father, an aggressive criminalized or violent father, would breed the same behavioral outcomes in his son.

The daughter on the other hand would try to gratify such a father and inadvertently would slide into overt sexuality.

She would try to use or leverage her sexuality to kind of pacify and placate a violent or aggressive father.

These dynamics are very sick.

Spending a lot of time with father is not always ideal.

Every time of the right kind with a healthy, mentally healthy dad whose behaviors are functional and proportional, this is the key.

Father's involvement in children's development can negatively actually impact his children.

And the sad and bad news is that most fathers are dead fathers, wrong fathers, because society had indoctrinated men.

For example, society tells you that the prevailing culture tells you as a man, you should never show emotions or you should suppress certain kinds of emotions.

You should never cry.

You should always be strong.

You should never show weakness and vulnerability.

You should not pamper or spoil your children in any way, shape or form.

So better be harsh and didactic and disciplinarian, tough love.

Societal and cultural edicts and brainwashing have rendered most men totally dysfunctional as fathers.

They fail to find the balance.

And so they damage their children much more than they help them.

In this power matrix between fathers and children, the children are always disadvantaged.

There's a power symmetry.

The father is stronger, more knowledgeable, has access to more resources and can deny them to the child.

Children with daddy issues, both men and women, tend to become passive, lifelong.

They adopt a victim stance, a position of victimhood in a skewed power matrix.

They even push their partners to abuse them, reactive abuse.

They use projective identification to restore the comfort zone where father was all powerful and they were meek and helpless.

When a woman with daddy issues teams up with an older man, she tries to recreate this dynamic.

When a man with daddy issues obeys his boss or admires a role model or defies authority, he tends to recreate the same power matrix that had characterized his adolescence.

These issues carry forward.

They characterize the totality of one's life.

Possessiveness, suspiciousness, jealousy and control.

Daddy issue relationships on both sides.

The older man usually suspects the younger woman of manipulation or deceit.

He regards her as a sugarbait or a gold digger.

It's in his mind.

He can't get rid of this suspicion.

He also assumes that she is playing the field, cheating on him.

So most older men in these dynamics become highly possessive, suspicious, constricting and jealous.

It's all about control.

The women, on the other hand, with daddy issues, who are in relationships with older men, they tend to interpret money giving and jealousy as forms of love.

If he's jealous and possessive, he must be serious about me.

He loves me.

If he gives me money, he cares about me.

He wants to protect me.

He wants me to feel safe and happy.

These are, of course, extremely sick foundations for extremely sick relationships that have no future.

Separation insecurity, also known as abandonment anxiety, in men and women with daddy issues, leads to clinging, coercion, triangulation, and emotional blackmail.

It is the woman with daddy issues who display co-dependent and borderline behaviors.

She would become needy, clinging.

She would try to coerce the older men into specific behaviors, for example, giving up on his job and staying only with her, never traveling.

She would try to constrict his life.

She would usually triangulate with other men to get a rise out of him, to provoke him, to jealousy, and to reacquire or reclaim her.

She would use emotional blackmail to obtain goods and services.

This all leads to drama.

Women and men with daddy issues are drama queens and kings.

In this sense, again, it's very akin to borderline personality disorder.

Drama is a tool.

It's a way to avoid loneliness facing oneself.

It's a form of self-harming and self-trashing.

The older men in a relationship with either younger men or younger women, romantic or business-wise, educational, any type of relationship, the older man becomes weaponized.

He becomes the equivalent of a razor or a cigarette, a way to self-harm, a way to self-trash.

Self-harming and self-trashing has two functions.

One, to drown out negative affectivity, to drown out pain and hurt and fear and anxiety.

When you self-harm, you have no time to focus on what you're feeling, what your emotions are and so on.

The second function of self-harming is to feel alive.

Borderlines describe self-mutilation, cutting, for example, as a reviving experience, an experience which makes them feel alive or come alive.

And similarly, when they cut, they also don't feel the inner turmoil and tumult that they're usually exposed to when they are not self-mutulating.

Teaming up with an older man, either romantically, educationally, business-wise, as a guru, as a cult leader, you name it, any emotional investment in an older man, any cathaxis in an older man, is the exact equivalent of cutting or self-mutilation.

It is not the way of nature.

It is teeming up with death, impending death, as older men die sooner.

It's a fact of nature.

It's teeming up with death in order to feel alive.

And this need to be closer to death in order to feel alive is because in early childhood, with the wrong kind of father, the only way to feel alive was to sacrifice yourself, to deny yourself, to break your own boundaries, to cease to exist, which is a good definition of dying.

I fully agree with you.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I couldn't have said it better.

Empaths and nasties absolutely deserve a job.

I mean, I visited forums of self-styled, self-aggrandizing, so-called empaths, and trust me, nasties have a lot to learn from them.

Nasties have nothing on these people.

I mean, they are more abusive than any abuser I've ever come across, you know?

Anyhow, I'm trying to remedy the situation with my very limited viewership, but I don't think it's working because empathy feels good.

I mean, it feels morally superior.

It feels like you've been wronged.

It's a victim's stance and a very rewarding victim's stance.

And there are many people who make a lot of money from the empath industry.

They sell them books.

They provide counseling.

Even academics have been swept into this craze and corrupted and corrupted by money.

So you have professors in psychology and others who propagate this.

Anyhow, listen, I got to go.

I have a video to make.

So thank you for the news and we'll be in touch.

I'll call you on Thursday.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.


Oh, there you are.

I've been looking for you all over the place.

So first of all, I owe you an apology.

In one of my previous videos, I mentioned the book Laws of Human Nature, which I regard as a manual on how to become a psychopath, a successful psychopath.

The author is Robert Green, not Brian Green.

Brian Green is a physicist, a respectable physicist.

Robert Green is the author of the book.

He also wrote The Art of Seduction and how to be a psychopath and how to be a narcissist manual.

And he calls himself the new Machiavelli and he's exceedingly proud of it.

Bizarre what people are proud of nowadays, but he is proud of this.

So here's the correction.

Robert Green, not Brian Green and my humblest, prostrate apologies to Brian Green, who is a great physicist and has popularized physics and science to a large extent.

I've just been appointed as editor in the editor program of academia.edu.

Academia.edu is the largest academic portal in the world with more than 110 million professors as members.

So I'm an editor now and in the editorial board of Academia.edu.

Of course, it gratifies me a lot.

And I must say, I love this pandemic.

It's exactly what the doctor ordered.

Plus, I've been wearing a mask all my life.

Hell, narcissist, the narcissist is the mask.

There's nothing there.

Take away the mask and there's no face.

You know the horror movies where there's this faceless entity walking the chorus, creeping across the corridors and about to get you.

That's a narcissist.

There's only the mask.

Masks are prying for this pandemic because they have been masks.

They've not been wearing masks.

They have been masks all their lives.

You know, of course, that the word personality comes from the Greek, ancient Greek word persona, which means mask.

Personality is a mask that we put forward.

There have been scholars like Jung and Goffman who describe how we put on a mask when we interact with other people.

The difference between the narcissist and a healthy person is that a healthy person takes off the mask and then there's a person behind it.

And the narcissist takes off the mask and there's nothing there.

Okay, enough with this sophisticated Bla-da-dash.

Today we're going to talk about narcissist sex and other pretty titillating bits and pieces.

Narcissists sexualize intimacy.

They have something called sexual overperception.

Now, mind you, all men have sexual overperception.

Men tend to misinterpret female behavior and regard it as a sexual invitation.

So if a woman is nice to you, if a woman is kind to you, if a woman brings you a gift for your birthday, it means she wants to have sex with you.

This is the male brain and it's called sexual overperception.

But narcissists take sexual overperception to a whole new level because they sexualize everything.

They sexualize intimacy as well.

Today I will try to deal with a fraught question.

Why is a narcissist sexuality so distorted?

His personality is distorted and disordered.

His conduct is problematic.

It seems that there is a kind of metastatic process that had invaded every dimension in his life, which is exactly what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual says.

But sex is a different domain and has a different etiology.

Many narcissists grow up in families with mixed signals.

You could have, for example, a mother who is asexual and a father who is promiscuous or exactly the opposite, a father who is anti-sexual, for example, highly religious or highly traditional or highly conservative and a mother who is a bit of a promiscuous and histrionic side.

So there are mixed signals.

When the child gets two seriously conflicting signals about sex, the child can't make up his mind.

Many narcissists had received as children the message that sex is dirty and that all women are sloths.

At the same time, mother was subtly incestuous.

She touched the child inappropriately, maybe, or she confided in the child, rendering the child an effective intimate partner.

So she parentified the child.

Or she reacted to compliments or insults, even inadvertent, as a lover would, not as a mother should.

So she reacted as an equal partner to anything the child said.

In other words, the mother entered the role of a companion.

She abrogated her duties and her role and her functions as a mother in favor of maintaining an interaction with the child, which is ambiently and emotionally incestuous and sometimes crosses the border into physical incest.

Similarly, the father, and of course the roles can be reversed.

Let me be clear.

The roles can be completely reversed.

The father could have this with usually with the daughter.

But for clarity and simplicity's sake, I'm using a typical mother and father.

So the father could be highly conservative, as I said, highly traditional, and so on.

And he could broadcast to the child that sex is bad, sex is corrupting, sex is dangerous, sex is unhealthy.

And so then the child is caught in the vice of these mixed signals because his mother sexualizes him and his father is warning him against anything with a whiff of sex, with the remotest hint or association of sex.

So how to interpret mother's behavior?

Is she an enemy?

Is she trying to corrupt?

Is she trying to destroy?

Is she trying to infect?

Is she contagious?

Is it a contagion?

Is she a virus?

Or is father wrong?

And if father is wrong about this, maybe he's wrong about many other things.

So it undermines the father's authority and infallibility.

And the child's, the two pillars of the child's existence crumble.

It's like Samson, Samson with the temple.

You know, the two pillars crumble, the temple crumbles, the whole edifice.

The whole edifice buries the child like in an earthquake or an explosion.

It's a very, very traumatic state of things because the child doesn't know who to trust and who to believe and who to adhere to and who to follow.

And so this kind of children grow up to be adults and they develop Peter Pan syndrome and they refuse to accept adult chores and adult responsibilities and they become commitment folks.

They're afraid of commitment.

We know all this.

But a very important thing to realize that this kind of children can relate to a woman.

Everything you can exchange the pronouns.

When I say he, you can, when I say she, you can think he, when I say he, you can think she, but I don't want to encumber this video.

So I'm going to use he and she, woman and man. Okay. Don't go all politically correct on me and don't crucify me, the feminist. So or the miktals or the red pillars or whatever your insanity of the day is insanity du jour. So this kind of child can be with a woman in one of two ways.

He can be with a woman as a child.

In other words, he can refer, he can relate to the woman as a substitute mother.

If the woman is a long time life partner, she gradually acquires mothering functions, nurturing functions, or the narcissist forces upon her, cajoles her, coerces her to behave like a mother, to become maternal.

And so of course with a mother, it's inappropriate to have sex.

It's incestuous or vertically incestuous.

So the relationship becomes gradually asexual or sexless.

So this is the first form of interaction that a narcissist from home where he had received mixed signals from a family that was dysfunctional in the sense that he received conflicting messages.

Such a child will grow up to be an adult and he will have a sexless sexless relationship with a maternal motherlike long term intimate or life partner or companion.

And the second way he can relate to women is as a promiscuous, incestuous, but very stern and disciplinarian father.

So the woman in this case would be a disposable slut to be sexually disappointed and verb but at the same time as he sexually disappoints the woman, as he treats her as a dispensable object, as he actually enacts incest with her because he is her father in his mind.

He has a paternal mindset.

At the same time, he verbally abuses her and he verbally abuses her to discipline her for her own good.

It's kind of tough love coupled with sex.

So to summarize, when a child grows up in a mixed message home, he grows up to be an adult and then he relates to women in one of two ways.

He has a sexless relationship with a mother figure or he has an incestuous and promiscuous relationship with a slut and then he verbally disciplines and abuses her for her own good.

So when he loves a woman, as he had loved his mother as a long-term intimate partner, he loves her as a child.

He renders himself asexual or sexless in order to avoid incest.

And when he desires a throwaway woman, a disposable woman, a tissue woman, I call them, exactly like his father told him that sex is.

His father broadcast to him that you should have sex only with dirty women.

Sex is dirty.

You should have sex with street women, with dirty women, with low-life women, with low-esteem women, with trash.

That's the only woman worth having sex with, which is you can't defile her more than she is.

She's already dirty.

She's already contaminated.

So when he desires this kind of adult, when he desires a throwaway woman, he transforms himself into a stern disciplinarian father like his father had been.

He hates women, this kind of adult.

He hates women.

He fears women, especially promiscuous women, especially sexualized women, especially self-histrionic women, seductive women, flirtatious women, teasing women.

He hates these women and he's afraid of them.

And so he sadistically despoils them, corrupts them, defiles them, dismantles them, dismembers them and abuses them in every way.

He pushes these women away, often towards other men, partly to reaffirm his view of women and for the other shoe to drop.

As he fully anticipates this kind of woman is going to cheat on you.

So why not get it over with right now?

Sometimes these narcissistic adults get married, establish a family and a diet with first type of women.

So they have a maternal relationship, sexless maternal relationship at home and they dilly dally and shilly shally with wayward straying promiscuous women outside home.

And sometimes it's exactly the opposite.

They are married.

They're married to a promiscuous woman, a serial cheater, someone who would betray them, someone who would affirm and confirm their dim view of femininity passed on to them by father and outside the marriage or the dietfemininity passed on to them by father and outside the marriage or the diet.

They would form a relationship with a matronly maternal figure with whom usually they will not have sex.

But narcissists always have two sets of women in their lives, maternal and promiscuous.

Narcissists don't fantasize about sex, but about humiliating, trashing, despoiling, degrading and demeaning, debasing, berating the woman, alone or with others.

Narcissist is a sexual sadist, group sex and threesome.

The narcissist doesn't derive pleasure from the sex act that takes place in an orgy or in a threesome.

He derives the pleasure from observing, observing the way his woman, his wife, his spouse, his girlfriend is rendered whole, a slut, by her liaison with another man.

When he watches the woman in his life having sex with another man in such a setting, not as a cacod, he doesn't derive pleasure, the cacod derives pleasure.

The narcissist's pleasure, the narcissist's gratification and edification is from the debasement, despoiling, demeaning and besmirching of the woman, how she renders herself a slut at his service.

Given the opportunity and the consent, some narcissists sexually assault.

They become aggressive and violent, they engage in BDSM.

Usually it's consensual because they're cowards, but it can easily cross the line when the woman for example is drunk.

Conventional sex leads the narcissist to boredom and many narcissists develop erectile dysfunction if they engage when they engage in traditional conventional, possibly missionary sex.

And again they introduce other partners into the sex life not in order to bond more closely with the woman, but in order to finally be able to regard her with full justification as a slut to humiliate the female.

You see, narcissist to women is what a pedophile is to children, a sadistic monster.

So this creates, in every relationship with the narcissist, it creates divergent expectations.

Most women cannot reconcile true intimacy and love with the narcissist's way of relating to them, especially sexually.

The narcissist sex broadcasts to the women, you're an object, you're something to destroy, to despoil, to dismantle.

I'm going to have sadistic sex with you, I'm going to hurt you via my sex.

I'm going to make you do disgusting things, I'm going to force you to act against your will, against your values, your convictions, your wishes.

I'm going to overtake you, I'm going to dominate you, I'm going to render you an unthinking slut.

I'm going to make you so submissive that you will vanish.

And this doesn't sit well, of course, with true intimacy and love.

And so the women are confused.

There's a preclusion.

The narcissist sex precludes intimacy and love.

But it doesn't start this way.

In the first stage, in the first phase, women usually indulge the narcissist sadistic sexuality.

At first, when the attachment, when the bonding are minimal, because at the beginning they're not.

Women say, okay, what the heck, I'll give him what he wants.

I'll play along.

It's a role play.

It will pass.

As we get more intimate, as we fall in love, as we establish a home, as we create a family, make a family, things will change.

And he will settle down.

Or maybe if I were to gratify his fantasies, he will no longer need them.

He will have kind of realized his dreams.

And now he will be able to move on and become a full-fledged adult with adult sexuality, which includes reciprocity and intimacy.

So women engage in what I call malignant optimism.

They keep hoping against hope that the narcissist's initial expressed sexuality is an aberration.

It's not the real him.

It's just maybe an artifact of infatuation, or because the woman is new to him and he wants to experiment with her body.

They tell themselves, women tell themselves all kinds of stories and invented narratives.

And they indulge a narcissist sexually.

They collaborate.

They play along.

Whatever he asks them to do, they realize all his fantasies, never mind how repulsive to them and how they're disgusted by it.

Or even, never mind how morally reprehensible they find some of the requests.

And of course, this has the effect, this acquiescence, this submissiveness, this compliance.

This has the effect of amplifying and solidifying the narcissist's attachment and bonding.

The narcissist says, wow, I found the love of my life.

I found the woman of my life.

She does everything I ask her to do.

Whatever my wish is, whatever my fantasy is, she realizes it.

She never says no.

She's wonderful.

She's the one I've been waiting for.

And he gets very attached and bonded with her precisely because she's indulging him.

Now, she's indulging him because she hopes he will change.

And he gets attached to her because he hopes she will never change.

That leads to the second phase.

The second phase is when the woman gives up the ghost.

She says, enough is enough.

It's been one year, it's been two years, been three years, we've been playing all kinds of dirty games.

Anything from water sports to three sons, enough is enough.

I want to have normal, loving, reciprocated, intimate, warm, accepting sex, finally.

I want him to tell me I love you with his body.

I don't want this anymore.

I don't want the objectifying, cold, calculated, schematic sex that he has in mind.

I don't want to become an object.

I don't want to be used all the time.

And I want to enjoy a bit, you know, not enjoying this.

So as the woman gets more attached and more bonded with the narcissism, of course, time spent together tends to induce attachment and bonding.

The more time she spends with the narcissist, the more she bonds with him, the more she gets attached to him because she sees his tender sides, his childlike sides, aspects, the childlike aspects of his personality.

She sees, you know, no one is 100% bad.

Sometimes they're good moments.

Sometimes they're tender moments and she gets attached.

She gets bonded, especially because she wants to get attached and bonded.

She's so lonely.

She's waited for so long.

And he looks to be perfect.

He looks to be the perfect partner.

Don't forget it starts with love-bobbing, with grooming.

I mean, she's absolutely within a shared fantasy and a shared psychosis.

She doesn't see reality.

She doesn't see the world.

And above all, she doesn't see him.

She says she sees not him, but what he represents for her.

She sees herself in him.

She likes the way he sees her.

And so she can't let go.

It's addictive.

It's also very addictive.

And she gets very attached and very bonded, unusually so actually.

But when she does, she really, really wants to be loved.

She really wants to be held.

She really wants to be understood and listened to.

She really wants her emotional needs to be catered to.

She wants empathy.

She wants warmth.

She wants acceptance.

She wants to see in his eyes the glint of love.


And so then in this second phase, women demand to revert to conventional intimate adult sex, to reciprocate.

They suddenly refuse to have the narcissist kind of sex, which is impersonal, objectifying, dehumanizing, sadistic.

They want to put a stop to it.

Enough is enough.

No more threesomes.

No more water sports.

No more disgusting acts.

You know, I want to make love not to have sex.

And so the second phase, while in the first phase, the woman indulges the narcissist.

In the second phase, she cuts off his kind of sex.

She no longer collaborates with his sexual fantasies and demands.

And this leads to stage three.

At this point, the narcissist is pissed off.

He feels deceived.

He feels furious because for years or for months, she had given him exactly what he wanted.

Every fantasy was hers.

She shared his every kink.

His every predilection.

She agreed to be tied.

She agreed to be subjected to various physical acts, which are unmentionable, at least on YouTube.

And so suddenly she cuts it off.

That's unfair.

He feels that she had been manipulating him and deceiving him.

So he develops sex aversion or even erectile dysfunction.

He doesn't want her anymore.

His body is rejecting her.

His mind is furious.

His body is becoming dysfunctional and he can't do it anymore.

He doesn't have erection.

To cut a long story short, the relationship is rendered increasingly more and more sexless, sexless and disintimate.

There is a vein of aggression, underlying aggression.

As the narcissist begins to digest that things are not going to be the same, that she is an independent autonomous entity, a person with her own wishes and fears, with her own preferences, with her own predilections and her own profilivities.

This separateness is very threatening to him because it implies abandonment, anxiety.

And of course it's a vicious circle.

Because of this, he withdraws.

As he withdraws, intimacy declines, sex seizes altogether.

And now she has an incentive.

She definitely has an incentive to find an alternative, for example, to cheat on him.

The attachment and the bonding weaken not only on her part, but on his part.

Because the narcissist begins to put distance between him and the woman.

He begins to realize that he's going to lose her, that she's going to hurt him and abandon him and cheat on him.

So he begins to preemptively abandon her and reject her.

He says to himself, "I'm going to reject her before she rejects me.

I'm going to abandon her before she even thinks of it.

She's going to cheat on me.

I'm going to cheat on her." It's a bit like borderline.

And by the way, I'm not the guy who suggested that borderline is failed narcissism.

That was a scholar by the name of Brotstein.

I'm just quoting him.

So narcissists have these borderline features, preemptive abandonment and so on and so forth.

And so when a sexual chill sets in, because the woman would no longer collaborate in his delirious wishes, it is then that the narcissist begins to withdraw and he begins to regard the relationship as a chore and the woman as a nuisance.

Why?

Because he's not getting his sexual needs and desires met.

That, by the way, is a totally normal reaction.

Everyone would react this way.


And then the stage four, cheating or breakup or both.

The narcissist is still attached and still bonded if there are enough maternal elements in the mix.

Even a promiscuous woman can be very maternal.

So it's always a mix.

Even a maternal woman can cheat.

It's always a mix.

But the level of maternal, I mean, what's the percentage of maternal elements determines the extent of attachment and bonding.

So at this stage, which is the last stage, stage four, the narcissist is still attached.

He's still bonded.

He still refuses to let go of the woman, of the expression of her maternal instincts.

She takes care of him.

He is loved in his mind unconditionally.

And he refuses to let the woman go free, refuse to set her free.

And it is at this stage that many narcissists become erotic stalkers or very jealous, romantically jealous.

They begin to spy on their spouses.

They begin to micromanage and micro control their spouse's existence and being.

They limit the freedoms that the hitherto had given their partners.

And so stage four is a very conflicted stage.

There's attachment and bonding, a bait.

They go down.

They go down on the part of the woman because she feels that the narcissist's sexuality signifies a lack of intimacy and a lack of true love.

Bonding and attachment, a bait with the narcissist because he feels frustrated.

If he's aggressive, if he's deceived when the woman refuses to cater to his sexual fantasies.

And so with both of them, there's a reduction in phase two attachment and bonding.

It's not what it used to be, the couple.

And many times they try to break up the narcissist and his woman.

They try to break up.

They agree on a period of separation or they agree to an open marriage or they effectively separate.

The narcissist upsends himself.

He becomes, I don't know, a alcoholic or the woman starts to travel a lot or go on separate vacations.

I mean, there are attempts to somehow wind up the whole business, but these attempts are not working well.

Mainly, the narcissist is residually attached to the woman.

There's a mother, there's a mother and won't let go.

And similarly, the woman is residually attached to the narcissist owing to the paternal, disciplinarian, strict and stern emanations and communications from the narcissist.

The woman has daddy issues.

The narcissist has mommy issues and they complement each other perfectly.

They cater to these missing parental figures in their lives.

And there's always the hope that this time is going to work.

This time is going to work because mommy loves me and daddy just wants what's good for me.

Tough love is okay as long as it's love.

And so women stay.

And narcissists stay.

And they try again, dysfunctionally and it only gets worse with time.

And of course, some women are exploitative in the, they remain in the relationship for financial reasons.

They render services, but they're free.

Otherwise they behave as virtual singles.

They are free to cheat serially and indiscreetly or they triangulate or sentaciously, or they try to terminate this talking by teaming up with other men or and so on.

But all in all, narcissists are forced to choose between loveless sex with dispensable, disposable women or sexless love with true intimate partners and companions.

But, but these partners and companions are actually substitute substitute mothers in both cases loveless sex and sexless love.

The narcissist is likely to endure, mortifying betrayal.

It's a very sad situation.

And narcissists cannot exit from the matrix and the template of his childhood, nor can his woman, his wife, his spouse.

We are all, when we interact within romantic relationships, we all hark back.

We all rely on these internalized templates and we can't truly get rid of them.

And there's no exception with the narcissist and his partner.

And the narcissist doesn't have really other options because the narcissist doesn't have a healthy sex drive.

Most narcissists are not actually promiscuous and they're not actually addicted to sex.

Even somatic narcissists whose whole life is sex, you know, they are sexual braggers.

They brag about how many sexual events.

It's actually not about sex, it's about conquest.

It's about narcissistic supply.

And so narcissist relationship with sex is very confronted and problematic.

Most narcissists I would say, if I had to generalize, most narcissists are actually asexual.

Even somatic narcissists, that you do something, that you engage in an act, doesn't mean that it reflects internal motivation or relevant psychodynamic.

It's very important.

The etiology, the psychological reasoning is very important.

Why does the somatic narcissist, why is he so preoccupied with sex?

He doesn't see the women he sleeps with.

He doesn't see them.

For him, there are sex dolls.

And if it's a woman, the men, if it's a histrionic woman or a seductive, filtration, the men are animated dildos.

The somatic narcissist masturbates with female bodies.

Watch the previous video that I posted today.

It's very relevant.

Narcissists reduce their sexual partners to body parts.

That's why narcissists are humongous consumers of pornography.

In pornography, the participants are reduced to body parts.

And 40% of pornographic imagery in films focus on body parts, not on the entire body or the all, let alone personality.

Narcissists are asexual.

And so if you are cerebral narcissist, you will use faithfulness as an excuse why you're not sleeping with women.

I'm faithful to my life.

That's why I'm not interested in women.

They're intimidated.

They fear women.

They hate women.

They dread female sexuality.

And of course, they are biological entities, so they're also attracted.

There's always a conflict.

And so their solution, the solution of narcissists, both somatic and cerebral, when the country reconciled the physical, biological attraction with their state of mind of hating women, fearing women, dreading women, female sexuality, when they have to put these two together, their solution is sadistic despoiling.

They confuse sadistic despoiling with sex.

When children get a new toy or a new radio at the time, they dismantled it.

They wanted to see what's inside.

They broke it apart.

They do the same to women.

They dismantle them.

They want to see what makes them tick.

Where's the inner mechanism?

You know, they despoil the woman.

They dismantle, dismend the woman.

They confuse and conflate sadistic despoiling with sex.

But that's why sex with a narcissist resembles rape psychologically.

It's about power, subjugation, hatred, fear and envy.

There's no trace of love or intimacy.

The narcissist reserves love and intimacy for other types of interactions within their relationship, even when the partner is loved.

And even when there is intimacy, when the partner is intimate, the narcissist would segregate, sequester, isolate the sexual aspect from everything else.

The narcissist would be loving and intimate and supportive.

And the most wonderful partner when it comes to other issues, when it comes to sex and true adult intimacy, he is a child in the worst sense of the word.

Sex excluding masturbation or despoiling kink.

Sex is a physical activity with attendant dimensions.

For the narcissist, sex induces, creates performance anxiety.

And so he has to relate in sex to another full fledged organism.

And it makes him very anxious.

He is also always comparing himself with others.

It's very typical of a narcissist to ask the partner, how many orgasms do I give you?

Did you ever have this before?

Am I not the best you ever had?

So many narcissists finally settled on masturbation.

It's a fully controlled object, you know, the one bodies.

And so with this fully controlled object, they could have regulated, well-regulated sexuality.

And the poor narcissist is not even really interested in casual sex.

You know, casual sex is a pressure valve.

It's an interim solution between regular partners.

And in this sense, it's very laudable.

I'm all for it.

I just regret that people think of casual sex as meaningless.

Sex is never meaningless.

But casual sex, one might stand or whatever, is a great solution, at least biologically and physiologically, if not psychologically.

But it's a great solution when you don't have a partner.

But the narcissist is incapable of even of this.

Even of this.

Why?

Because casual sex, first of all, requires investment.

You have to invest.

Even if it's one hour, even if it's a few drinks, you have to invest.

You have to pretend that you're interested in the partner.

You have to listen.

You have to talk a little.

You have to have some good time, you know.

Casual sex doesn't happen in the air unless you go to some sex club or some impersonal setting where actually everyone masturbates using other people's bodies.

It's not sex.

But casual sex with a partner requires investment.

And the narcissist for a narcissist to invest in other people is wasteful.

He feels that his time is wasted, his resources are wasted.

He feels that it's very unjust and it irritates him that he has to invest in other people.

Also it's impossible with a casual sex partner to realize any kinky or humiliation fantasies.

Literally impossible.

I mean, of course, you may come across accidentally one in a million sexual partner who are like you or if you go to a specific club, they're BDSM clubs and so on.

There you can pick up the appropriate partner.

But generally, typically, you run the vous of casual sex when you go to a bar and you pick up a woman.

She's very unlikely to collaborate with you in your basest, most humiliating and degrading and despoiling and demeaning fantasies.

Very unlikely.

So it's all gratifying.

And it causes narcissistic injury because after the casual sex, you are disposable.

The woman doesn't want to see you again, doesn't want to talk to you again.

It's humiliating.

So narcissists are not natural candidates for casual sex.

There's body, personality, sex, sexuality are not satisfied.

They need to dominate the female.

They need to reduce the female to unthinking submission brought on by unrequited and tantalizing craving.

They need to make the woman act in ways that she would find shameful, hurtful, denigrating and guilt inducing.

And obviously, none of these can be accomplished in a brief, almost anonymous encounter.

Grooming requires time, effort, careful planning and preparations, repeated exposure.

Regular relationship sex with a partner requires intimacy and inordinate and wasteful investment of resources.

So it's also a problem.

The sole interest of a narcissist lies in objectifying, humiliating, degrading and despoiling the woman.

Sex is just one way of accomplishing this.

Sex is the physical equivalent, the bodily equivalent of verbal abuse.

It's a form of abuse.

So as far as a narcissist is concerned, sex is just another mode of abuse.

He has no interest in sex except when and if it lets him corrupt the woman, denigrate her, humiliate her or use her body to masturbate with and then dump.

Otherwise sex totally fails to arouse a narcissist.

So that's why sex withholding sex is another form of sexual sadism.

The aim is to frustrate and to hurt the woman by rejecting her, by humiliating her to the core.

And when the woman makes demands, when she criticizes, disagrees, gives advice, gets too intimate, too comfy with the narcissist, it destroys the sex drive because it makes true sadism impossible.

And remember, narcissists are into sadism, not into sex.

Sadism requires unmitigated domination.

Contribution requires information, asymmetry and distance.

So making demands, talking, interacting, criticizing, arguing, knowing the narcissist, getting to know the narcissist up close, humanizing the narcissist.

All these imply equi-potence.

They imply equality.

And equality is the antidote to sadism.

You can't be sadistic with an equal partner.

So this is stage four and some women immediately cut off the narcissist as a sexual partner.

Others cheat.

Others remain in the relationship but abandon the narcissist effectively with another man.

Others become service providers, business partners or roommates.

There are all kinds of arrangements.

Even open marriage sometimes is agreed.

All kinds of arrangements.

But in any case, whatever the arrangement is, attachment is gone, bonding is gone and the two parties are actually absent.

They're absent either physically or emotionally and typically both.

And women try everything before they reach stage four.

Some of them even try to spice up the sex life with group sex and so on.

I've seen women do women, not men.

Do absolutely everything.

In the narcissist's mind, it is okay to foster expectations and then frustrate them.

It is okay to promise commitment and then not keep the promise.

It's okay to affect other people's lives irreversibly and irrevocably and then simply disappear and withdraw and ghost them.

Why it's okay?

Because it is sadistic.

It is proof positive of the narcissist's power.

You see, she's after me. She's stalking me. She's addicted to me. But demands, so this is expectations, demands, real intimacy.

They destroy the sadistic fantasy and they make sadistic practice impractical.

Many narcissists actually prefer sadistic supply to narcissistic supply. They would sacrifice narcissistic supply if they can get sadistic supply.

Sadistic supply implies a much bigger power asymmetry. You're more God-like. You're more God-like when you have the power to hurt.

Anyone can love, anyone can, you know, but few people can truly cause pain. God can cause pain, God punishes.

So sadistic supply is of a higher grade, higher quality than narcissistic supply.

So you see many times, narcissist, for example, gives up sex. A woman offers sex and he rejects her. He wouldn't take the sex, even if he's attracted to the woman very much. He desires her, craves her badly, but he would still frustrate her because not having sex with her is sadistic supply.

Having sex with her is run-of-the-mill narcissistic supply, slow grade, high grade heroine is sadistic supply.

And a woman to the narcissist is a figure, an artifact, an object. And again, this is very similar to the way that pedophiles are attracted to immature children's bodies. The woman's body is a fetish. Watch the video I posted earlier today about fetishes and fetishism.

The entire human body is a fetish, to be ruined, degraded, played with, toyed with, dismantled, soiled, despoiled. I mean, it's an object to be tossed around, bumped and bounced. And the entire body becomes like a single object. It's like a classic fetishist.

They admire, I mean, they are sexually attracted and aroused by body parts. So classic fetishism will be aroused by feet, by boobs, or by shoes, or by panties or bras.

The narcissist fetishizes the entire body of his partner. The body becomes a fetish. And the narcissist is sadistic, not only sexually, that's the problem. He's also a psychological sadist.

So the sexual sadism is an echo, it's a reflection and a resonance of much deeper psychological trends and tides and rivers and streams.

You can't dissociate, disengage and disentangle the two.

When we are faced with a classical sexual sadist, many serial killers are actually sexual sadists, honey-ballector types. Their sexual sadism is pretty segregated. Pretty separate from their general psychological makeup.

And so the sexual sadism can be isolated and tackled.

With a narcissist, it's a much bigger problem.

And in this sense, by the way, honey-ballector is a narcissist.

Because honey-ballector is a psychological sadist, he derives a huge amount of pleasure from the way, from the preparation for the sex, before the sex, from the foreplay.

So in the narcissist, there's a confluence of psychological sadism and sexual sadism.

How do you treat this?

Withholding is a form of sadism. Coercion and imposing are forms of sadism. Taunting, tantalizing, teasing, frustrating. All of these are forms of sadism.

And this sexual sadism limits the space of possible sexual partners.

When it comes to a lifelong partner or intimate partner, the narcissist is promiscuous.

Anyone who can provide him with supply, with narcissistic supply, can become the narcissist's intimate partner.

It is a myth, nonsensical myth, that narcissists are attracted only to specific types of women, co-dependence.

Also, this is total trash, unsupported by research. Narcissists are attracted to absolutely anyone and everyone who provide them with narcissistic supply, or has the potential to provide them with narcissistic supply.

That's why many narcissists end up with other narcissists, in a couple.

But when it comes to sex, it is true that there is type preference, there's mate selection.

Narcissists react to two types of women in sex. Women who are submissive and are already deeply in love, or be resistibly infatuated with a narcissist.

And these women require grooming to be brought to this stage.

But having been groomed, they become, they are rendered sexually attractive.

The second type of women, promiscuous masochists.

This kind of women you can find in sex clubs, private networks, or even in bars.

It takes a lot of effort to find these women if you also insist on fulfilling your fantasies.

And there are huge risks involved, medical and personal.

So narcissists usually go for type one, not for type two.

They groom.

Women in casual sex, as I said before, would never agree to realize the narcissist sexual fantasies.

Such women also demand equi-potence, negotiated power symmetry.

They want to be gratified in sex.

They have demands.

So most narcissists actually avoid casual sex in one night's tense.

It's very narcissistically injurious, it's unfulfilling, and it provokes performance anxiety.

And finally, the narcissist is discarded.

The woman doesn't want to have anything further to do with it.

So it's humiliation, it's perceived as rejection.

So narcissists look for number one, a woman who can be groomed into infatuation via massive sublimation.

That's the technical term.

The term is that a woman who can be groomed requires an intimate committed relationship.

And the narcissist is not willing to embark on such a relationship or truly provide it.

So he fakes.

He lies, simply.

False promises, pretenses of commitment, and then it creates approach, avoidance, repetition, compulsion.

He approaches, then he panics, he avoids, he runs away, comes back, runs away.

He's looking for an admirer, a playmate, a lover, mother.

He wants a shared fantasy.

He's not looking for a wife.

He doesn't want to become a father.

He doesn't want to establish a family, and he doesn't want to buy a home.

He deceives the woman.

He makes false promises, to the contrary, in order to secure the three S's, sex, supply, services.

And yes, sometimes the narcissist would go as far as getting married to such a woman, so as to secure her cooperation, but then the marriage is a sham.

And so this is the background to the Nazi sexuality.

Add to this the fact that the Nazis has no empathy, and that the narcissist is amoral, has no morality.

In other words, the Nazis has not been socialized to internalize moral and social mores and addicts, and so on.

The Nazis, in other words, is not constrained.

He's not religious.

He's not moral.

He has no values.

And if he's psychopathic, he's merely gone over it.

Get these into the mix, and now this has become seriously dangerous.

Seriously dangerous, because what you see is not what you get.

All women, even extreme subs, submissive women, they get hate statistics, sex.

They're disgusted by it.

And all of them ultimately will want something deeper.

And so at some point, the Nazis is going to be trapped by his own promises and the expectations he had fostered.

And then he would project, would externalize his aggression, and he would punish the woman for rebinding him that he's a liar.

There's no meaning in this game.

You must understand this.

Do not think that anyone can teach you any strategy or technique, or no contact if you can.

It's painful.

It's heartbreaking.

Better to be with a broken heart than with no heart at all.

The narcissist is a phantasm.

It's a phantasmagoria.

It's a mirage.

It's not there.

There's no water in the oasis.

The palm tree that is growing is a figment.

Don't rush, or the desert will swallow you.

Okay, it's time for another video about daddy issues from the daddy of the narcissistic abuse field.

Another video you say.

What has happened to the previous one?

It's still on my YouTube channel.

To save you the search, just go to the description and click on the link if you dare.

Today we are going to discuss what types of fathers produce narcissists.

There are 11 of them, or 12.

These kinds of fathers come late into the play and yet have a profound impact on the way pathological narcissism evolves and manifests in later day life in adulthood.

And I propose daddies and issues and narcissists.

My name is Sam Vatlin and I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I'm a former visiting professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of CEOPS.

Daddy, here I come.

Just to clarify something.

Pathological narcissism forms in the first 36 months of life.

The child, the infant develops primary narcissism.

And then when the child's developmental trajectory is thwarted and obstructed and the child is unable to separate from the mother and individual.

When I say mother, maternal figure, anyone who fulfills the caregiving functions of a mother, it could be a male, but the maternal figure. When the child is unable to separate from the maternal figure and thus become an individual, it disrupts the constellation, integration and formation, these are big words, of the self. So a child becomes selfless without a functional ego and this gives rise to pathological narcissism. To learn more about this process, I encourage you to watch the videos in the playlist titled From Child to Narcissist on this channel. But it's important to emphasize that the first 36 months of life are the breeding ground for pathological narcissism later on throughout the lifespan. And during this period of 36 months, the towering, dominant, almost exclusive figure is the mother. Again, when I say mother, doesn't have to be biological mother, doesn't have to be the mother of origin.

Anyone who fulfills the role of a mother, could be a grandmother, could even be a father.

If it is a maternal role, the mother is critical during this period.

So the formation of pathological narcissism is entirely up to the mother.

Period.

There is no father there.

Father comes much later.

Father's role, father's contribution, father's psychodynamics, father's molding of the child, they come much later.

Usually ages four onwards, northwards, four, six, nine, etc.

The father, of course, is a crucial figure, but not when it comes to the emergence of pathological narcissism.

That's the domain, the unfortunate domain of the mother, the dead mother, metaphorically speaking.

Again, watch the videos on From Child to Narcissist playlist.

So what does the father do?

What's the contribution of the father to pathological narcissism?

How does the father's presence, role, actions, decisions, choices, temperament, character and personality, how do all these affect the trajectory of pathological narcissism in the child?

Well, the father has a profound impact on the way pathological narcissism manifests, on the way the pathological narcissist expresses his or her pathological narcissism as a child.

We're going to discuss this in a minute.

So when the father enters the scene, when the father starts to contribute to the path the psychological development of the child, to the evolution of the child's skills, capability, to social capability and so on and so forth, the father already finds a ready-made finished product.

The child is already imbued or infected with, if you wish, pathological narcissism.

A bad mother, a mother who is not good enough, a dead mother, to use the phrase, a metaphorical phrase.

Or Van Dreygrin, this kind of mother gives rise to a narcissistically pathological, a child with a narcissistic pathology.

And then the father enters the scene, the father starts to socialize the child, the father introduces the child to various behavioral scripts, the father helps the child to acquire skills and so on and so forth.

But at that stage, it's too late.

The child is already clinically speaking, a pathological narcissist.

All the tools, all the capacities, all the skills that the father conveys to the child become instruments at the service of pathological narcissism.

There's nothing the father can do about this.

So fathers, mothers create pathological narcissists, fathers teach pathological narcissists how to leverage, amplify the pathological narcissism, how to manifest and express their pathology.

This is the division of labor, the unfortunate division of labor.

Now there's a variety of fathers who would amplify, magnify, legitimize pathological narcissism.

Fathers who would push the child to become even more narcissistic than he or she is.

Fathers who would create an ambience, an environment within which pathological narcissism flourishes.

Or an environment where pathological narcissism is the only way to survive.

A survival strategy, a form of self-efficacy.

The child expresses his agency or her agency through pathological narcissism in the relationship with the father.

These kinds of fathers, and we're going to discuss all the varieties, all the subspecies and variants of dysfunctional fathers, these kinds of fathers collude with the child and in a way embellish the child's narcissistic tendencies, style, personality and disorder pathology.

They become integrated.

These fathers become integrated into the narcissistic narrative.

They become inextricable collaborators.

In other words, the fathers form a shared fantasy with the child within which the father figure becomes a source of emulation.

This is known as modeling in social learning theory.

The child begins to imitate the dysfunctional or sick mentally ill father.

The child then becomes more and more enmeshed with the father to the point that the child suspends his or her own identity and adopts the identity of the father, which is a great way to describe a shared fantasy.

So what types of fathers enhance the child's pathological narcissism rather than suppress it?

What types of fathers legitimize the narcissistic pathology rather than frown upon it?

What types of fathers create an environment where pathological narcissism flourishes rather than an ambience that inhibits pathological narcissism?

What kind of fathers teach the child to become asocial or antisocial rather than prosocial, communal, sublimated and empathic?

What kinds of fathers, in other words, continue the work of the dead mother, of the mother who is not good enough in Winnicott's term?

As I said, there's a variety and we start with the dead father.

The dead father could be a collapsed narcissist, a collapsed histrionic, a collapsed borderline, a collapsed paranoid, someone who is gun through a collapsed psychopath, someone who is gun through a collapsed, someone who has failed in life, someone who has tried very hard and then endured defeat on a regular basis, someone who has been frustrated and thwarted, someone who is constantly faced with losses, a loser, in other words, someone who is inadequate, a collapsed person.

That's the first type of father within the dead father category.

You could also, another type of father is the narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical father.

The absent father, neglectful, ignores the child, pretends the child doesn't exist, regards the child is a nuisance or an annoyance, fends the child's attentions away, penalizes the child if the child dares to demand attention or to insist in a variety of ways, some of them dysfunctional, temper tantrums.

This kind of father is frustrating.

It could be a depressive father.

So all these types of fathers, the collapse, the narcissistic, the absent, the neglectful, the frustrating, the impressive, all these types of fathers are actually dead fathers.

They are unable to carry the paternal functions, they are unable to perform, they are unable to provide the child with a path forward to engender a trajectory of evolution and development in the child, of growth through experience.

These kind of fathers actually creating the child a deep yearning, a fear of abandonment known as separation insecurity and encourage the child to cling, to become needy, which is a codependent solution or to delusionally withdraw into fantasy, which is the narcissistic solution where the child becomes their own father.

They aggrandize the false self, the false self becomes essentially a parental figure, mainly a paternal figure.

So this is the dead father.

Another type of father which fosters narcissism in the child or continues to enhance the child's nascent narcissism is the shameful father.

The child is ashamed of the father because the father is a failure, a loser, a daydreamer, a fantasist, someone everyone mocks and ridicules and criticizes, a criminal, etc.

But the child is ashamed of the father.

This shame resonates with the child's own shame.

You remember that pathological narcissism is a compensatory reaction to shame.

Because the shame is overpowering, disregulating, overwhelming, the child rejects emotions and rejects reality.

Reality is a constant reminder of the shame and emotions come entangled with, fused with shame.

The child is unable to experience emotions without experiencing shame and the child is unable to function in reality without being reminded of his or her shame.

Nasticism is a defense against shame.

And when the child is ashamed of his or his father, this shame resonates, this external shame resonates with the internal shame and creates a perfect storm, a firestorm which consumes the child.

And in order to extricate himself or herself from this firestorm, the child transmogrifies, changes itself, shapeshifts into the invulnerable, invincible, godlike, perfect narcissist that he becomes later.

So being ashamed of your father is the pathway to compensatory narcissism.

It's another element, another figment of reality which the child has to reject because these emotions of shame are life threatening, not only overwhelming but life threatening.

So we have encountered the dead, dysfunctional father and the shameful father.


The next type of father which eggs on narcissism, promotes narcissism in the child is the intermittent father.

It's a father who engages in splitting.

I'm all good.

You my child, you're all bad.

Hate, hate and love, hot and cold, come hither, go thither.

This is the intermittent father, the father that is not predictable, that is not reliable, that is not rock solid, that is not stable.

In other words, a father that is not a secure base.

Although clinically speaking, a secure base is only the mother, I think fathers can induce her a secure base.

It's time to revise the theory.

But this kind of father, a father who cannot be relied on to function in a stable, predictable manner, can never serve as a secure base.

And this creates in the child approach avoidance which reflect the father's own intermittency, the father's own approach avoidance.

This approach avoidance cycles feed on and off each other and encourage the narcissistic child to develop an insecure attachment style.

This also challenges the child's sense of self worth.

It becomes, the sense of self worth becomes labile, fluctuating in a way dysregulated if you wish.

The signaling, the father's signals are mixed.

The messaging is unclear, ambiguous and the child is hard at work trying to decode and decipher the father's intentions, moods, wishes, demands and usually the child fails.

And this constant failure, the father's constant displeasure, visible ostentatious disappointment in the child, the father's approach and then avoidance which signal to the child that he is a bad object.

Something in the child is wrong.

The child is inadequate somehow.

The child is not attractive and not lovable.

All this undermine the child's ability to regulate his or her sense of self worth.

This kind of child resorts to the outside, resorts to other people in order to regulate his or his internal environment.

This kind of child doesn't have innate mechanisms for self stabilization.

The child in this case is not a secure base to himself or to herself.

The child then outsources regulation.

This is known as external regulation.

This is regulation to other people and then based on the feedback from other people, from the input from other people known in narcissism as narcissistic supply, the child then is able to somehow generate a kaleidoscopic hive mind picture of itself and regulate itself somehow at least in the short term.

And all this comes from the maternal end, the paternal absence later on in life.

I bipolar so to speak father, father who is never one person, kind of multiple personality father.

It's very difficult to generate.

The child is unable to generate a fixed picture of the father and of himself or herself in relation to the father.


The next type of father who brings out narcissistic tendencies and dimensions of personality in the child is the antisocial entitled father.

This is a father whose consummation rejects authority, is defined in your face, see if I care kind of father, antisocial rejects society, its mores, its rules, laws, anything manmade.

This kind of father feels entitled to special treatment, to accomplishments which are incommensurate with the father's investment or commitment, hard study, hard work.

This kind of father is usually also lazy or indolent expecting everything to fall into his lap effortlessly.

So this kind of father is a bit psychopathic and the child via the process of modeling imitates and emulates the father.

The child learns that society is a bad thing rather than socialize the child to become a useful member of society, rather than acculturate the child, introduce the child to the dominant culture, rather than inculcate in the child, scripts, behavioral scripts, social scripts, sexual scripts.

This kind of father teaches the child that society is the enemy, the adversary, how to get him, the world is hostile, its a jungle and that the only path forward is by force, power guarantees survival, goal orientation is the way to go.

Gradually these kinds of fathers, the antisocial entitled fathers convert the child from a budding narcissist into a malignant narcissist, a combination of psychopathy, sadism and narcissism.

The next type of father who is likely to breed a narcissist is the fantasy-prone father.

That's a father who is rejected reality, usually because of failure, constant repeated regular failure.

This kind of father prefers to live in a daydream, in a fantasy, in a paracosm, in a virtual reality, in a world of his own making and he drags his child into this world, into this fantasy.

The child becomes the father's number one fan, supporter, colluder, collaborator and so on. The child is introduced into a shared fantasy with the father and they thrive within the shared fantasy as long as the child is obedient and submissive and the father is dominant and infallible and never wrong.

When this kind of child grows up, he learns that fantasy is far preferable to reality and that the only way to interact with people is via a shared fantasy.

He also learns that it is legitimate to coerce people, to force them, to control them, to become part, a part of the shared fantasy.

He knows no other way of interacting with people.

All the interpersonal relationships of this kind of child who has had a fantasy-prone father, all these interpersonal relationships are nothing but make-believe, pretenses, movies, theater plays, theater productions.

Next is the harsh, critical and rejecting father.

He's a father who is impossible to please. You can never do right. You are always, as a child, inadequate and worthy, a loser and a failure.

The child is unable to develop even an embodiment of sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence because the father won't allow it.

The father competes with the child for scarce narcissistic supply.

The father is always more, always better, better accomplished, a bigger victim.

Whatever the child may come up with as a self-identity, the father is always more, always been there before, always done it before.

The child can never impress the father.

The child can never elicit the father's gratification and satisfaction, let alone gratitude.

The father becomes an external, harsh critic, an externalized sadistic superego, always putting the child down, humiliating, degrading, demeaning, chastising, castigating, harsh, critical, rejecting.

This kind of child, already exposed to a dead mother, already in the throes of emerging pathological narcissism, this kind of child becomes a covert narcissist, maybe an inverted narcissist, which is a subtype of covert narcissist, a people pleaser, a codependent, clinging and needy, emotionally blackmailing, controlling from the bottom.

It's a form of narcissism, of course.

So this is the outcome of a harsh, critical, rejecting father.

This kind of child is also very likely to become emotionally dysregulated and suicidal, suicidal ideation.

Very closely aligned, very closely aligned to the harsh, critical, rejecting father is the unjust, sadistic father.

What's the difference?

The harsh, critical, unrelenting, disappointed, always rejecting father believes that he loves the child.

He believes that this is a form of tough love.

He's doing all this for the child's sake.

He is criticizing the child in order for the child to attain and accomplish more.

He is rejecting the child because the child needs to learn about loss and rejection, about life as it is.

He is critical of the child because he's truthful.

This is all about tough love.

The unjust, sadistic father doesn't bother to pretend.

He enjoys inflicting pain on the child, torturing the child, taunting and tormenting the child.

He enjoys injustice, inflicting injustice on the child.

He enjoys totally confounding the child by providing the child with the wrong type of input.

When the child is nice, the child is punished.

When the child approaches the father, he's rejected.

When the child is evil, the child is rewarded and so on and so forth.

The rewards or reinforcements are incommensurate with the child's actions and speech acts.

So, this kind of father creates mayhem and chaos within the child.

He does not allow the child to develop what we call an internal working model, a theory of mind about what makes other people tick.

He does not allow the child to adopt social norms and mores as guiding lights.

He does not allow the child to sublimate, to convert internal drives and urges into socially acceptable actions and manifestations.

He doesn't allow the child to function.

And he enjoys the child's egotistiny, discomfort, agony, anguish and pain.

This kind of father creates psychopathic narcissists.

The dysregulated father is a father who is probably a borderline but not necessarily.

He finds dysregulation in other mental health disorders such as, for example, bipolar disorders, paranoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder and so on.

The dysregulated father is unable to control his emotions, his moods, his moods and thereby, his emotions overwhelming, threatening to drown the father.

And the father reacts by acting out, by decompensating, by losing it, by crazy making.

In this type of environment, the child is busy most of the time trying to make sense of what's happening and on the other hand, parenting the father, somehow ameliorating and mitigating the father's distress.

The child assumes responsibility for the father's evident despair, depression, anxiety and misbehavior.

The child feels that he's guilty or she is guilty somehow for what's happening or at the very least responsible and that she has the power, this is magical thinking, she has the power to re-regulate the father, to restore the father's peace of mind, inner peace and happiness, to put a smile on the father's face.

These are the parentified narcissists, the narcissists who play the role of a mother, maternal figure in the shared fantasy.


The next type of father is the incestuous father.

The incest could be ambient, could be emotional and could be physical, of course, in extreme cases.

Incest and childhood sexual abuse, CSA, they usually result in borderline personality disorder or in extreme cases of rape and so on in dissociative identity disorder.

It is extremely rare for CSA to lead to narcissism and that's precisely why therapies that are more or less effective in managing some behavioral aspects of narcissism, therapies such as schema therapy or transactional analysis or my own cold therapy, they rarely if ever, in the case of cold therapy, never used in people with childhood sexual abuse background.

These people are likely to have a borderline personality organization and therapies that involve, for example, re-traumatization, the foreign nosak therapy, the Sam Vaknin cold therapy, these therapies are dangerous to such people.

People with childhood sexual abuse are contraindicated in re-traumatization therapies and in certain types of therapies that are efficacious with, as I said, some aspects of narcissism.

The incestuous father converts the child's nascent emerging pathological narcissism into a borderline variant, into a dissociative variant.

This kind of father, the incestuous father, pushes the child to become a borderline or someone with equivalent or multiple personalities disorder.

There are many variants, so it's DD and so on.

And therefore, the incestuous father falls out of the remit of this video, is excluded from this video because it leads to other mental health issues which overshadow the original pathological narcissism, although they retain some aspects of that early stage narcissism, they retain, for example, retain the grandiosity element.

The parentifying father is a father who is ostentatiously, conspicuously or vertically helpless, self-sacrificial, needy, clinging, demanding, emotionally black-mating, forces the child to fulfill parental functions, to take care of the father as if the father were the child and the child were the father.

It's an inversion of roles, it's role reversal, and it has profound effects on the child.

This gives rise to a type of narcissism that is an ancastic, narcissism that is concerned with perfectionism, with rules, with obsessive compulsive elements, with rigidity, narcissism that is hyper-moralistic.

This would be a pro-social or communal narcissist who would statistically subject his flock, his followers, and so on and so forth to all kinds of demands which are inflexible and set them up for failure.

The parentifying father generates a narcissist who feels deep inside that he is never good enough because what child can fulfill the parental role successfully?

No one, no child can do this.

The child keeps failing.

The father's expectations keep being visibly frustrated.

The father becomes aggressive.

And so the child feels that he always has to cater to other people's needs.

Somehow he's always short of the mark, always a failure, and to compensate for this.

The narcissist, the child turned narcissist, becomes rigid, moralizing, demanding, perfectionistic, and punitive, punishes people, up to the point of becoming a sadist, actually.

The next type of father is the instrumentalizing father.

It is a father who uses the child to realize the father's unfulfilled dreams and wishes.

A father who instrumentalizes the child in order to obtain narcissistic supply.

A father who flaunts the child, brags about the child.

A father who uses the child as a badge of honor.

There's a process of co-idealization.

This kind of father idealizes the child, at least in the eyes of others.

And at the same time, idealizes himself.

It is my child.

If my child is perfect, this means that I'm a perfect parent.

If my child is successful, that means my genes are superior.

So this is self-aggrandizement through the child's agency.

The father uses the child to garner supply, the same way one would use a statue symbol, a flashy car, or an amazing smartphone.

The child becomes not a source of narcissistic supply, but a trigger for narcissistic supply.

Now, the samechild becomes not a source of narcissistic supply, but a trigger for narcissistic supply.

Now, the same father could idealize the child, idealize the child, and pedestalize the child when he interacts with other people.

When at home, humiliate the child, berate the child, criticize the child, harshly impinge on the child's boundaries, breach and frustrate the child's expectations, reject the child.

So the child learns about intermittent reinforcement.

The child is exposed to two conflicting messages.

The father tells everyone that the child is perfect, while treating the child is a lot less than perfect, as imperfect to the point of shame and frustration.

And the child cannot form a cohesive sense of identity.

When father tells the neighbor that I'm perfect, is this the truth?

And when father tells me that I'm a hopeless loser and failure, a bad object and worthy of love, unlovable, is this the truth?

What is the truth?

Because the child has these two constant streams of information which are conflicting mutually exclusive and contradictory.

The child cannot put the two of them together.

Modeling is disrupted.

And the child's identity never coalesces, never gets integrated or constellated.

And this is a child who grows up to have an identity disturbance.

A major feature, especially in borderline personality disorder, but also in narcissism.

The pedestalizing father, in any case, is clearly isolate the child, the child from reality.

The child becomes an object.

The child is objectified.

Child is not allowed to interact with peers, not allowed to be exposed to failure and loss whenever the child misbehaves.

The father justifies the child, teaches the child that it's okay to misbehave, that this is normative.

This kind of child develops an impaired reality testing, cognitive distortions, including grandiosity and antisocial psychopathic behavior.

And finally, there's the submissive, codependent, covert or inverted father, inverted narcissist father, covert narcissist father.

It's a kind of father who is passive aggressive, who is always peevish, who is always self-deprecating, but in a humiliating manner, self-humiliating manner.

And as I said, submissive and codependent.

This kind of father broadcast to the child that the only way to prevail or to survive in an interpersonal relationship is to act as a doormat, to give in, to succumb, to accept.

And the child adopts this as a manipulative Machiavellian strategy.

It's known as control from the bottom.

It is narcissism.

Make no mistake about it.

This is what's known as covert narcissism.

Especially when the mother is dominant, yet dysfunctional.

Mother who is dominant and narcissistic, dominant and borderline, dominant and absent, dominant and hateful and rejecting, etc.

When the mother is dominant and the father is submissive, obedient, codependent, reasonable, kind of a ridiculous caricature of a man and of a father.

When this contrast, when the child is faced with this contrast, the child learns that there are only two models in the world.

Either you suspend yourself, your needs, your wishes, your dreams, your priorities.

You unbecome and become someone else's extension, catering to the needs of someone else all the time in return for subverted covert control.

That's one solution.

That's the father modeling the father or modeling the mother, in which case the child becomes rapacious, eruptive, overt, grandiose, psychopathic, often antisocial narcissist.

So in a household where the father is recessive, submissive and the mother is dominant and both of them are dysfunctional, the child grows up to be either of these two solutions.

Both of them are narcissistic.

One is a covert solution.

One is an overt, in your face, psychopathic solution.

As you see, the father's contribution is not small, nor is it minimal.

The father does not contribute to the formation of pathological narcissism.

The father is not the cause of, shall we say, the emergence of the narcissistic personality or the false self.

Father comes into the game, enters the scene much later than this and finds a finished product, a child who is already a narcissist.

But then it is up to the father to somehow redirect this kind of child, a narcissistic child.

It's up to the father to determine how the child's narcissism would manifest in adulthood, in later life.

It's up to the father to somehow ameliorate and mitigate the narcissism or redirect it in socially acceptable ways.

It's up to the father not to exacerbate the condition and make it much worse, driving towards psychopathy, for example.

It's up to the father to provide regulation, stability, a secondary secure base.

It's up to the father to provide a model for emulation, become a role model.

The father can do so much to prevent the initial infestation with pathological narcissism, this dysfunctional solution to trauma and abuse.

The father can do so much to limit it, to render the child a much more functional and happier individual later in life, to allow the child to experiment with separation, individuation without hurting itself or others in adulthood.

It's all up to the father because the father is the main agent of socialization and skilling.

And yet fathers who are as mentally disturbed as their children are not up to the task.

These are dead fathers, collapsed, narcissistic, absent, neglectful, frustrating, depressive, inadequate fathers, shameful fathers, failures, losers, intermittent fathers who engage in splitting, approach avoidance, bipolar, antisocial fathers, entitled fathers, fantasy-prone fathers, daydreaming fathers, harsh, critical, rejecting fathers, unjust, sadistic fathers, dysregulated fathers, incestuous fathers, parentifying and instrumentalizing fathers, pedestalizing fathers, idolizing fathers, submissive, co-dependent fathers who are essentially covert narcissists.

All these types of fathers are going to make the child's narcissism much, much worse.

A child who is born to a family where the mother is a dead mother and the father is any of these types that I just mentioned is doomed.

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