N-Magnet: Narcissist's Ideal Victim?

Uploaded 11/12/2011, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Many victims of narcissists are firmly convinced that they have been chosen by their abusers because of their capacity to empathize their innate sensitivity, their compassion and their ability to love and care. They are the only predators who leverage these human emotions to their advantage.

Classical narcissists, however, are actually repelled by such displays of contemptible, mushy, frail fears. They regard natural-born empaths as deplorable, nauseating weaklings who deserve all the abuse and ill fortune that life and the narcissists mete out to them.

Narcissists, therefore, are highly unlikely to be drawn to such displays of tenderness, understanding and sympathy. They are bound to consider them fake, manipulative ploys, whose sole purpose is either to extract something of value from the narcissist by harping on his emotional needs, or to hurt and torment the narcissist once having secured his attachment and reciprocal so-called love.

Narcissists attribute to empathic, sensitive persons their own faults, traits and motives, and this is a primitive psychological defense mechanism known as projection.

So what is the profile of the typical victim of narcissistic abuse? The shorter the log of it is, there is none.

Victims come in all shapes, sizes, professions, genders and ages. They vary in educational and professional attainment, levels of self-esteem and self-confidence, family background, personal history, socio-economic strata, political affiliations and any other parameter you can think of.

Narcissists are not choosing, and they have not predilections when it comes to sources of narcissistic supply. They check up with anyone who shows them the situation and showers them with attention.

So, as a victim, you ought to get rid of this self-defeating refrain. I attract abusers like a magnet. I am a narcissist magnet or end magnet.

Review your life in minute detail over the years and in a variety of settings, your family, your workplace, church, voluntary services.

Many people of both sexes must have found your company desirable and your personality agreeable. Were they all narcissists? Surely not. Were all those who found you sexually attractive and sought your friendship and companionship monstrous abuses?

Again, no. Were you victimized in all your relationships, whether romantic and intimate or not? There is no way you can answer any of these questions in the future.

If you chose your partner's bedding, or if you did not extricate yourself, post-paced, once you have been mistreated, it must have been your doing.

Magnets are passive. They have no judgment and cannot exert control over their destiny. They are a bad seamard.

Human beings are not inert. They are not helpless, mindless substances like magnets.

Human beings are aware of what they are doing. They can distinguish right from wrong. They can and do act upon information. They exercise judgment.

Bed relationships, however harrowing, constitute opportunities to learn lessons. And if you fail to do that, you have no one to blame, not yourself.

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How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.

Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.

Savior/Rescuer as Entitled Narcissist (Excerpt)

Narcissistic saviors, healers, fixers, and rescuers are often predators who hide behind a facade of empathy, compassion, and altruism. They are grandiose, covert, and often move around in couples with someone who is honest and straightforward. They prey on vulnerable, heartbroken, sad, crying women and label someone as an abuser to pose as a savior or rescuer. They are fake friends who engage in perfidy, betrayal, and backstabbing. They are dangerous, sadistic predators who are much more dangerous than overt, open abusers.

Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.

Narcissists Have Emotions

Narcissists do have emotions, but they tend to repress them so deeply that they play no conscious role in their lives or conduct. The narcissist's positive emotions come bundled with very negative ones, and they become phobic of feeling anything lest it be accompanied by negative emotions. The narcissist is reduced to experiencing down-steerings in their soul that they identify to themselves and to others as emotions. Narcissists are not envious of others for having emotions, they disdain feelings and sentimental people because they find them to be weak and vulnerable.

Cope with Vindictive Narcissists

Narcissists are often vindictive and can be dealt with by either frightening them or luring them. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool, and one can identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated escalating blows at them. The alternative is to lure the vindictive narcissist by offering continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won. Adulation, admiration, attention, sex, or subservience are the tools in coping with vindictive, dangerous stalkers and paranoia.

Narcissist's Victims' Many Faces

Everyone around the narcissist is bound to become a victim, whether voluntarily or involuntarily. There are three categories of victims: those who suffer from the narcissist's instability, those who are misled by the narcissist's deceiving messages, and those who are intentionally targeted by the narcissist. The narcissist is both sadistic and masochistic, and in hurting others, he always seeks to also hurt himself. The narcissist is ruinous and destructive, and no amount of punishment can restore the balance or provide closure and vindication.

Narcissism, the New Faith - Part 1: Distributed God and Human Sacrifice

Narcissism can be described as a form of private religion, where the false self is the divinity and the child who has developed the false self becomes the worshipper. When narcissism becomes a societal phenomenon, it remains the same, but it becomes the first distributed religion in human history. Narcissism is a faith of entitlement, where the narcissist subsumes everything and becomes one with everything because the narcissist is everything and everything is the narcissist. The current new religion that is emerging, the religion of narcissism, is similarly embedded in the computer metaphor or more precisely in the network metaphor.

Narcissism: A Spiritual Cancer (ENGLISH responses, with Nárcisz Coach)

Narcissism is a hyper, super, post-modern religion that is spreading like a cancer, or metastasizing, according to Professor Sam Vaknin. It is a spiritual cancer that is prevalent worldwide, and it involves a relationship between the false self and the worshipper. Narcissism is not good, and in the Middle Ages, it would have been considered a demonic or satanic religion.

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

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