N-Magnet: Narcissist's Ideal Victim?

Uploaded 11/12/2011, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Many victims of narcissists are firmly convinced that they have been chosen by their abusers because of their capacity to empathize their innate sensitivity, their compassion and their ability to love and care. They are the only predators who leverage these human emotions to their advantage.

Classical narcissists, however, are actually repelled by such displays of contemptible, mushy, frail fears. They regard natural-born empaths as deplorable, nauseating weaklings who deserve all the abuse and ill fortune that life and the narcissists mete out to them.

Narcissists, therefore, are highly unlikely to be drawn to such displays of tenderness, understanding and sympathy. They are bound to consider them fake, manipulative ploys, whose sole purpose is either to extract something of value from the narcissist by harping on his emotional needs, or to hurt and torment the narcissist once having secured his attachment and reciprocal so-called love.

Narcissists attribute to empathic, sensitive persons their own faults, traits and motives, and this is a primitive psychological defense mechanism known as projection.

So what is the profile of the typical victim of narcissistic abuse? The shorter the log of it is, there is none.

Victims come in all shapes, sizes, professions, genders and ages. They vary in educational and professional attainment, levels of self-esteem and self-confidence, family background, personal history, socio-economic strata, political affiliations and any other parameter you can think of.

Narcissists are not choosing, and they have not predilections when it comes to sources of narcissistic supply. They check up with anyone who shows them the situation and showers them with attention.

So, as a victim, you ought to get rid of this self-defeating refrain. I attract abusers like a magnet. I am a narcissist magnet or end magnet.

Review your life in minute detail over the years and in a variety of settings, your family, your workplace, church, voluntary services.

Many people of both sexes must have found your company desirable and your personality agreeable. Were they all narcissists? Surely not. Were all those who found you sexually attractive and sought your friendship and companionship monstrous abuses?

Again, no. Were you victimized in all your relationships, whether romantic and intimate or not? There is no way you can answer any of these questions in the future.

If you chose your partner's bedding, or if you did not extricate yourself, post-paced, once you have been mistreated, it must have been your doing.

Magnets are passive. They have no judgment and cannot exert control over their destiny. They are a bad seamard.

Human beings are not inert. They are not helpless, mindless substances like magnets.

Human beings are aware of what they are doing. They can distinguish right from wrong. They can and do act upon information. They exercise judgment.

Bed relationships, however harrowing, constitute opportunities to learn lessons. And if you fail to do that, you have no one to blame, not yourself.

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Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

Sadistic Women-lover, Sadistic Women-hater

Narcissists either love or hate women, but both types end up torturing them. The sadistic women lover, or philogenist, is drawn to women but is terrified by his own obsession with them. He adopts avoidant behaviors to restore his sense of control and superiority over women. The sadistic women-hater, or misogynist, holds women in contempt and seeks to punish them. He fears women and punishes them for bringing forth his own shortcomings. The narcissist regards women as mirrors of his own deficiencies and hates them.

Savior/Rescuer as Entitled Narcissist (Excerpt)

Narcissistic saviors, healers, fixers, and rescuers are often predators who hide behind a facade of empathy, compassion, and altruism. They are grandiose, covert, and often move around in couples with someone who is honest and straightforward. They prey on vulnerable, heartbroken, sad, crying women and label someone as an abuser to pose as a savior or rescuer. They are fake friends who engage in perfidy, betrayal, and backstabbing. They are dangerous, sadistic predators who are much more dangerous than overt, open abusers.

Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.

Was Your Ex a Narcissist or a Psychopath?

Narcissists and psychopaths differ in their emotional investment in others and their goals. Narcissists are emotionally invested in shared fantasies, while psychopaths and malignant narcissists are not emotionally invested in anything or anyone. Psychopaths are goal-oriented and do not care about their careers, intellectual property, spouses, children, parents, community, public opinion, court system, law enforcement, or anything else. Narcissists love-ball, while psychopaths groom, and narcissists are liable to stalking and hoovering, while psychopaths just vanish.

Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Heterosexual narcissists desire women but are frustrated by their inability to interact with them meaningfully. They hate women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly, and their hate is primal, irrational, and the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bare-tempered, paranoid, and sadistic, and their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness, and rage. They are their own worst enemy and cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan or career path or relationship.

Narcissistic Serial and Mass Killers

Serial killers and malignant narcissists share a lack of empathy, grandiose fantasies, and a sense of entitlement. Both objectify people and treat them as extensions of themselves. Serial killers seek to render their victims immobile to avoid abandonment or humiliation, and they believe they are improving their victims by killing them. The narcissist's life is a repetition complex, and the serial killer's murders recreate earlier conflicts with meaningful objects. Both represent a dual failure of their own development and of the culture and society they grew in.

Is your DATE a NARCISSIST? (EXCERPT with Conor Ryan, Eyes Wide Open Podcast)

Trust your instincts and observe the man's behavior for signs of narcissism, such as boundary breaches, controlling behavior, and rapid relationship progression. Pay attention to how he treats others and his speech patterns. Narcissists create a shared fantasy and regress their partners to a dependent state. Women have caught up with men in exhibiting narcissistic traits, and female narcissists may also display histrionic behavior.

Narcissist's Victims' Many Faces

Everyone around the narcissist is bound to become a victim, whether voluntarily or involuntarily. There are three categories of victims: those who suffer from the narcissist's instability, those who are misled by the narcissist's deceiving messages, and those who are intentionally targeted by the narcissist. The narcissist is both sadistic and masochistic, and in hurting others, he always seeks to also hurt himself. The narcissist is ruinous and destructive, and no amount of punishment can restore the balance or provide closure and vindication.

Women Narcissists

Male and female narcissists differ in the way they manifest their narcissism, with women focusing on their body and traditional gender roles. However, both genders are chauvinistic and conservative, as they depend on the opinions of those around them to maintain their false self. Women are more likely to seek therapy and use their children as a source of narcissistic supply, while men may view their children as a nuisance. Ultimately, there is no psychodynamic difference between male and female narcissists, as they both choose different sources of supply but are otherwise identical.

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