Narcissist Dreads Change, Uses Sex to Reduce Anxiety

Uploaded 8/22/2021, approx. 27 minute read

Okay, Shoshanim, have you bought to me too culturally? You thought I will not intrude on your days of rest? You think I will give you a respite from the Sam Vaknin horror show?

No way. I'm worse. The Netflix are more ubiquitous and, in mental terms, more expensive.

So today we are going to discuss various neglected angles in narcissism.

Yes, believe it or not, after well over 26 years of work in the field preceding all the self-styled experts by like 15 years, I still have a lot to say about many topics not covered by everyone, myself included. So stay tuned. It's going to be a bumpy ride and you're not going to be the same if you listen to this video to the end.

So we start with the issue of learning.

Narcissists never learn. They never learn because they know everything already. Of course, this is a grandiose defense known as omniscience. Psychopaths never learn because no one knows anything anyhow. That's a form of defiance. Both psychopaths and narcissists are characterized by a profound lack of curiosity about themselves and about others. They are not curious.

Narcissists construct penitentiaries of the mind, kind of prisons. They are known as pathological narcissistic space. And then they try to break out of these self-imposed prisons. They try to demolish these fantastic spaces. It doesn't occur to the narcissist to repurpose the prison, to render the prison a tourist attraction or a hotel.

Alcatraz, for example, Alcatraz was the worst prison ever. And now it's a tourist attraction. There's a similar prison conversion experiment going on in Sweden.

Narcissist is incapable of repurposing and reconceiving of his life, his self-imposed fantastic penal colony, because he is more generally incapable of change.

Why is that? Why is the narcissist so averse to change?

We have to go back a bit, as usual. With the narcissist, you have to go two steps backwards in order to go three steps forward. And even that gets you nowhere.

The narcissist outsources important ego functions to his environment. In other words, healthy people regulate their internal environment, by definition, internally. Regular people, for example, maintain reality testing, which is grounded in themselves, in their sense of self and being. Regular people regulate their sense of self-worth. They have a stable sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth related to the world and internal working mode.

In healthy people, everything takes place inside. But with the narcissist, all these functions are externalized, they outsource from the environment, from other people. And consequently, the narcissist confuses and conflates his internal landscape with the external world. He doesn't have a self or a constellated self. He doesn't have an ego. But he does have a kind of universe of internal objects, kind of a playground, a Disneyland, a theme park of introjects, voices, internal objects, avatars, and so on, so forth, by discussing in other videos.

And he tends to confuse this self-contained universe with reality. When the narcissist is trying to affect a change in the external world, when he tries to change something in his environment, he perceives it as the destruction of his internal world. He perceives it as self-destructiveness.

Now follow this intricate and ingenious argument. How do I know it's an ingenious argument?

Because I came up with it, of course. Follow it.

The narcissist confuses internal and external, inside and outside, objects out there and objects in here. In this sense, the narcissist, to some extent, is the mirror image of the psychotic. He doesn't have hyper reflection, but he has inverted hyper reflection. The world is contained in himself. So the narcissist totally confuses what's going on in his environment and what's going on inside himself. So when he tries to change the environment, when he tries to transform people around him, circumstances, events, when he tries to extract outcomes from his milieu, from his workplace, from his marriage, from his interpersonal relationships, from his friendships, from church, from any setting, when he tries to operate in reality, act upon reality, he perceives it as self-destructiveness, as changing the environment to the narcissist is equal to changing himself, because he confuses his internal environment with his external environment.

Any change in the external environment is perceived as deleterious, dangerous, and threatening to the internal environment.

So everything, every alteration, every modification, every transformation, every effort that consensus building, every compromise, every negotiation, everything that has to do with anything in the outside is perceived as impacting adversely on the inside as self-destructive.

And so narcissists avoid change because they experience it as self-annihilation, petit no, small death.

Narcissists convert everyone they are in constant or intimate touch with into persecretary objects, enemies, and then they construct counterfactual narratives, narratives which are not based on fact, not evidence-based. And these narratives are both paranoid and grandiose.

The narcissist is effectively saying, they're out to get me because they made them behave this way. I forced them into malevolence. I had converted them into enemies. This, of course, sustains his sense of omnipotent control.

And so the narcissist's world is hostile and dangerous. And because he confuses the external environment with his internal environment, he perceives himself as hostile and dangerous. He perceives the universe of internal objects, the universe of introjects.

In other words, he perceives his own mind as the enemy. And he perceives himself as the Purimakasa, as the first mover and shaker, the first cause, the person who had made all this happen, the person who had brought upon himself devastation and destruction and annihilation and extermination.

He perceives himself, in other words, as his own worst persecretary object, his own worst enemy.

They're out to get me because I made them behave this way. I created this enmity. I created this hatred. I created this aversion to me. I misbehaved. I mistreated. Or I was myself, but they envy me.

So the narcissist is in a bind. On the one hand, he tends to interpret everything around him as a potential menace and people around him as persecutors and prosecutors. And on the other hand, he feels that he had created this environment. He is God-like. This is his creation, Genesis.

It's omnipotent. So he feels somehow responsible for his own persecution and prosecution.

And of course, catastrophizing becomes a rational and often self-fulfilling expectation within such a view of others and the world.

And this, of course, is one of the two pillars of the aversion to change.

Because every change in the external environment is perceived as change in the internal environment. Then every change in the external environment is the destruction or at least the deconstruction of the internal environment. It's threatening. And it's threatening because it unleashes a host, a horde of enemies from within, a fifth column, a Trojan horse of persecatory objects.

Everything is so precariously balanced. Everything is so hostile. Everything is so dangerous. Everyone is so such an enemy that better live as they are, better freeze. It's essentially an internal freeze response.

The narcissist is so traumatized, mainly in early childhood, that he had developed a freeze response grounded in grandiosity omnipotence and so on, which are compensatory. He froze when faced with the trauma, with the early trauma, he chose to freeze. Then he chose to freeze everyone around him through the process of snapshotting, which I will describe a bit later. Then he chose to freeze the world around him and anything, anything and anyone that threatens to unfreeze the situation, to defreeze the situation, is threatening the internal precarious balance of the narcissist.

So the narcissist is shocked, for example, when his victim gives him a taste of his own medicine. He accuses her of being a narcissist. Of course, the gender pronouns are interchangeable. Many narcissists are women. So the narcissist is shocked. He tends to victimize and abuse, for example, his intimate partner. Suddenly she gives him a taste of his own medicine. He cheats on her. She cheats on him. He abuses her. She abuses him. She mirrors him and he is shocked.

He then says, she's a narcissist. I don't know what happens to her. This partly has to do with the persecretary object that I've mentioned before. She is a persecretary object in the narcissist's mind. She is the enemy. And so he's not surprised. He is not surprised that she is a narcissist or she's a psychopath in his mind. He is just shocked that she had dared to stand up to him.

But it also has to do with another process.

So there are two pillars to the aversion to change.

The first pillar is everyone is such an enemy. The environment is so dangerous. Better not rock the boat. Better not change anything. Better freeze.

The second pillar is snapshotting, the twin processes of snapshotting and core idealization.

At the commencement of every interpersonal relationship, the narcissist interjects the insignificant other and converts her into a stable, inert, internal object.

He snapshots her. This helps him to overcome his abandonment anxiety and establish object constancy.

Because while he may be abandoned by the real object out there, he is very unlikely to be abandoned by a snapshot in his own mind.

So converting an external object to a snapshot makes the narcissist feel safe. Makes the narcissist feel stable.

So hence snapshotting.

Now remember, we are talking about the narcissist's propensity and proclivity to avoid change. To thwart change. To undermine and sabotage change. To shun change.

And this, there are two reasons for this.

First one is the persecretary object mechanism.

Where the narcissist prefers to freeze than to experiment with change. Because change can unleash a storm, a hurricane, a twister of persecretary objects. Which will then, as enemies, destroy the narcissist.

And the second reason is snapshotting.

So once the narcissist had snapshotted, for example, the intimate partner, a source of supply, a role model, an important influencer or peer, once the narcissist snapshotted the person, he proceeds to photoshop the snapshot. He idealizes, for example, the intimate partner. And by idealizing her, he aggrandizes himself.

Because now he is the owner of the intimate partner. He is the proprietor of such an ideal position.

So now the idealized position renders the narcissist, this idealized property, renders the narcissist ideal. His grandiosity is gratified this way.

And this is co-idealization. Snapshotting, photoshopping, idealization, co-idealization. This is an inexorable process. Inevitable happens all the time.

When the other party, the intimate partner, for example, diverges from this inner rendition of this avatar by becoming, for example, agentic, autonomous, defiant, self efficacious, assertive and resistant. When this happens, there is a divergence. There is a break, a schism between the regular object out there and the snapshot. Snapshot is stagnant. It's inert. It never changes. It's immutable.

And so this creates a gap. And the narcissist experiences panic, frustration, and then aggression. He projects his own narcissism onto the concrete, for example, the intimate partner. And using a defense mechanism called reaction formation, the narcissist devalues her and decries her as abusive. He's likely to present himself as a victim who is being abused. In his mind, he is being abused.

Because remember, every change in the narcissist's mind is perceived as persecution via the agency of the persecutory objects.

So when the partner behaves in ways which undermine and challenge the snapshot, this is a change. It's a change in the external environment. It threatens the narcissist. He feels persecuted. He feels prosecuted. He feels that he is under cloud. He feels bad things are going to happen, catastrophizes.

And so the freeze mechanism no longer works. His grandiosity is compromised and he has no defenses.

Some people who get in touch with the narcissist who are in an interpersonal relationship with the narcissist, for example, the narcissist's spouse, children, intimate partners, business partners, associates, etc. Some people aware of the narcissist's delusional mindset, aware of his need to compensate with fantasy for deficiencies and failures and defeats in reality. Aware that he has a pronounced fantasy defense.

Aware, in other words, that he is not fully with us, that he is a big divorce from reality.

So some intimate partners of the narcissist or business associates or friends, they tend to lie to the narcissist. They tell him what he wants to hear. They deceive the narcissist. They obfuscate. They stonewall. They refuse to communicate in extreme cases.

So the narcissist feels that he cannot gain access to critical bits of information.

And what the narcissist does, he tries to deduce, he tries to extrapolate, not always successfully, actually most of the cases not successfully because he has impaired reality testing. And because the narcissist is grandiose, owing to his grandiosity, he perceives his deductions, his hypotheses, his speculations, and his extrapolations as facts. He can never be wrong. If he thinks something, it becomes reality. That's magical thinking.

And so the narcissist reacts to these internal cognitive processes as if they are facts out there in reality.

Again, there's confusion of internal and external, but this is also a form of change because it's like the information rearranges itself and produces new outcomes, new results, new conclusions. Anything that's new by definition is changed.

So the narcissist feels very threatened and this can lead to hair raising situations and conflicts. Narcissists can become defensive, frustrated, and aggressive.

The solution is do not lie to the narcissist, do not deceive the narcissist, do not stonewall, do not obfuscate, do not avoid communication with the narcissist if you are forced to be in touch with him. Always communicate clearly, fully, and truthfully with the narcissist.

You do not want the narcissist to deploy his fantasy, delusional imagination, and impaired reality testing to fill in the gaps that you had created.

Now, this aversion to change that relies, as you remember, on the feeling that the world is hostile and any change is threatening, on the one hand, that there are many persecutory objects and enemies awaiting such a change in order to sort of jump the narcissist.

So it's one pillar, the second pillar, the snapshotting, the freezing of other people as snapshots, idealized snapshots. Both these are critical to the functioning of the narcissist and both of them negate and vitiate change. Both of them creating the narcissist change aversion.

Any process, internal or external, any actual change in the environment, any need to make deductions and analyze and any anything, any motion, any movement, any life, any divergence from the snapshot, creating the narcissist enormous anxiety.

And he's trying to ameliorate this anxiety in a variety of dysfunctional ways, anything from substance abuse to overt aggression. One of the main ways that narcissists try to reduce and control anxiety is sex.

The psychosexuality of narcissists and psychopaths is very often non-normative. It's unusual. Some people would say deviant, perverted, but I don't use these terms. They're not clinical and they're not used anymore, even in the literature. It's unusual. The sexuality, psychosexuality of narcissists and psychopaths is unusual, atypical, extreme, rare. People with kinky or paraphilia psychosexuality often repress or curb their sexual preferences unless and until a loving partner, loving quote unquote partner, real partner, imaginary partner in fantasy legitimizes the psychosexuality with his presence or with his active cooperation. And so helps to resolve the dissonances and ego destiny involved in these sexual practices.

Narcissists and psychopaths are no exception.

Aware that their psychosexuality is problematic, at least in social terms, what they try to do, they try to couple it with an intimate partner.

Now the intimate partner could be, as I said, a physical, real, out there intimate partner or an imaginary intimate partner.

The narcissists or psychopaths project intimacy and love and romance on an unsuspecting stranger in the environment and render that stranger for a night, for an hour, for a year, for a month, for a week, render that stranger a romantic love partner. It could be fun. So it could be a fantasy partner, an imaginary imaginary friend, in a way, in a paracosm, or it could be a real life partner.

But the role of that partner is to legitimize either either as an observer or as an active participant to legitimize the kink and the paraphilia elements in the narcissists and psychopaths psychosexuality.

The narcissists and psychopaths need to legitimize their psychosexuality and need to act on it in order to reduce anxiety.

But it's very difficult to find such partners, such intimate partners. Very few people would care to legitimize and participate in such sexual practices.

So consequently, narcissists and psychopaths go through long stretches of involuntary celibacy or unsatisfactory sex, simply because their partners either don't love them to start with or are more likely and more commonly are totally turned off by the narcissists and psychopaths attitude to sex, love and relationships.

And this self-denial is especially complicated when we have types of narcissists who are also prone to addiction. Because the narcissist's addictive personality manifests in everything in substance abuse, in workaholism, in pathological gambling, in shopaholism. In alcoholism, addiction is a kind of catch-all phrase. It's a way of relating to the world.

And most narcissists are actually addicts. Indeed, pathological narcissism is a form of addiction. It's an addiction to narcissistic supply.

So the narcissist has a very complicated, unusual, usually typically frowned upon, socially frowned upon, unacceptable psychosexuality.

He tries to find a partner to legitimize this psychosexuality in participating in the sexual practices.

It's very rare to find such a partner, almost impossible.

So most narcissists and psychopaths go through periods of celibacy and unsatisfactory sex.

Now, some narcissists are addicted to what they consider to be love, but actually is shared fantasy. So many narcissists actually are addicted to shared fantasies. They need a shared fantasy to function.

Craving for love, craving for this shared fantasy, renders these narcissists tenacious and stockish. They stock. They give up and sort of move on.

Only when they receive incontrovertible truth that they are not loved. In other words, that their partner is not embedded in the shared fantasy and that they are not desired sexually, etc.

Even then, they are likely to cheat rather than to break up honestly and outright.

And so the narcissist's propensity, the narcissist's need for a shared fantasy, which is the equivalent of love addiction in healthier view.

The narcissist's addiction to the shared fantasy is an organizing principle which imbues the world and his world with meaning and direction and hope and emotional energy. This addiction to the shared fantasy causes him to kind of become a stalker or become tenacious in his attempts to revive the shared fantasy up to the point of bargaining. And I've dealt with it in other videos.

The narcissist would tend to identify sex with love, of course, within the shared fantasy.

Remember that sex is one of the three S's. Because he needs sex, he requires sex in order to reduce anxiety.

He would tend to identify what he calls love, which is actually addiction and attachment to the shared fantasy. He would tend to identify love with reduction in anxiety.

So for the narcissist, love addiction to the shared fantasy is an anxiolytic. And so he needs it because the alternative is extreme, all-consuming anxiety.

Such dysfunctional strategies and behaviors are common, not only to narcissists, but to everyone who has outlier psychosexuality coupled with a burning desire to be in a traditional intimate love relationship.

Alas, these two rarely go together. You can either satisfy or gratify your atypical psychosexuality, or you can be in a relationship. Rarely goes together.

There are two other solutions, of course, to this predicament. One is to find a loving part with a psychosexuality similar or complementary to one's own, and who is aroused by such sexual preferences to the point that he or she is eager to incorporate these practices into the couple's common sex life on a permanent basis.

Many narcissists keep hunting for this holy grail. They keep looking for this kind of bug. And ultimately, they end up teaming up with other narcissists and psychopaths just in order to be able to exercise their paraphilia or kinky psychosexuality so as to ameliorate anxiety.

And the second solution is to pursue one's psychosexuality and pretend that one is with a loving intimate partner in a relationship. That's a fantasy defense. And that's actually one of the main roles of the shared fantasy.

One of the main roles of the shared fantasy is to convince the narcissist that he had found the right intimate partner in a loving bond within which he can freely express his unusual psychosexuality and reduce his anxiety.

So in the long run, most narcissists gravitate to this second solution. It's the most feasible and the most common.

Ecologically, in all these cases, there is an unresolved conflict between sexual preferences, emotional preferences, craving a loving partner, and socialization, the need for legitimacy and acceptance.

But in the case of the narcissist, as usual, it's even more complex. The sexual preferences are socially unacceptable, sometimes even bordering on illegitimate or illegal. The emotional preferences have nothing to do with real love. They have to do with object constancy, with abandonment anxiety, and with the need to maintain a fantastic space, the shared fantasy.

And the socialization of the narcissist leaves a lot to be desired. The narcissist seeks legitimacy and acceptance, but only on condition that his grandiosity is upheld in the process by society, by his environment, by his friends, colleagues, etc. If there is any challenge to his grandiosity, most narcissists would become a bit psychopathic, aggressive, impulsiveand reckless.

And so in an increasingly more narcissistic society and civilization, people hate to go deep because they don't want to face who they really are. And they don't want to affect change.

Remember, narcissists are change averse. Society is more narcissistic. Society as a whole and its members would be change averse.

So people today inhabit shimmering surfaces punctuated with dismissive grunts, defensive empty one-liners, superficial hilarityand cliched emojis. This is called social networking.

Intimacy relies heavily on privacy and uniqueness, on being special to your partner. And this is why sexual exclusivity is still the dominant practice.

But narcissists are incapable of intimacy. And so most narcissists gravitate either to fantastic spaces like shared fantasy, where ultimately they become sexless, or to rapid fire one night fantasies, which they can sustain and within which they can be sexual. Both cases they're trying to reduce anxiety.

And so the narcissist places his body and sex in the public domain via rampant casual sex and public self-phoneography. The narcissist creates a legacy that renders intimacy between himself and future partners, all but impossible.

If you share your sex with everyone casually, you ruin your ability to integrate sex with intimacy. You destroy the linkage between sex and intimacy, the very capacity to associate them.

Instead, you're likely to compensate with fantasies of sex and intimacy, which is precisely what narcissists do. It's a narcissist fantasy. It's a narcissistic defense.

And so this would explain why in an increasingly more narcissistic and psychopathic civilization, there's a tsunami, phonography and self-phonography, a precipitous decline in one-on-one face-to-face dating minus 60%, a collapse in intimate relationship formation minus 40%, and even a decline in sexual activity minus 20%.

All these since 1998 are referring to studies by Twenge, Wade, Zimbardo, Campbell, and others. These indicators, these indicators of this intimacy, these indicators of the decline and collapse of intimacy in sex, in relationships, in dating.

Phonography is the least intimate conceivable activity. Self-phonography takes intimacy out of the personal realm.

So it's like everyone is hell-bent on avoiding intimacy, if not destroying it outright, because they are incapable of intimacy. They had lost the intimacy skills and relationship skills because they had become more narcissistic, and they prefer fantasy to reality.

Intimacy is not possible in fantasy because most fantasies are actually addictive and auto-erotic.

The history of casual sex, your history of casual sex, leads inexorably to a deficiency in intimacy and in relationship skills.

But this propensity or proclivity for casual sex in fantastic spaces, as substitute for real intimate sex, this increasing dominant hegemonic sexual practice has effect on the ability to team up with partners in the future and also has effect on such partners.

Your future partners are affected by your current sexual practices. If your partners know that you had shared your body and sex with so many random persons, they cannot regard your choice to have sex with them as special. After all, you did it with everyone, even with people you didn't know anything at all about.

Intimacy is not possible when the partners feel that they are just numbers, statistics, the next conquest, in the queue, next in line.

When the world becomes somatic, everything loses its meaning. A partner with a history of casual sex as a dominant practice also creates pervasive insecurities, not a safe base.

It is difficult to feel safe and be safe when your partner takes sex so casually and flippantly and as a meaningful, motionless activity.

This commodification of body and sex makes future partners feel that when you offer and grant them access to your body and sex, this is meaningless because you had offered exactly the same to dozens of total strangers for many years.

Your partners do not feel special. They do not feel that they stand out from others. They might as well be among the countless strangers to whom you had granted exactly the same privileges.

Your partners do not feel chosen because you had selected so many before so indiscriminately, including anonymous strangers. Sex with you cannot be intimate, cannot be special, only clinically arousing. Sex with you is pornographic, not lovemaking. And without lovemaking, there's no intimacy.

And I say sex with you. I mean sex with a narcissistic person.

The thing is that in a narcissistic civilization, we would all tend to adopt narcissistic practices, narcissistic choices, narcissistic traits and narcissistic behaviors, even if and when we are not clinically narcissists.

And this is very confusing because people behave as though they were narcissists, as though they are narcissists, as if they were narcissists, but they're not.

One of the most moronic bits of politically correct advice online is your partner's sexual, social and psychological histories, your partner's past. They're not relevant and you have no right to inquire about them. Only present choices of your partner, decisions she makes and behaviors matter. Don't be retroactively jealous. This is an idiotic advice because by far the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Residivism, defaulting to past misconduct is rife, almost inevitable. More than 80% of alcoholics restart to drink within a year from rehab. Almost 70% of criminals repopulate their erstwhile cells go back to prison.

Having cheated once, you're three times as likely to cheat again. Promiscuous women sleep around extra diatically outside the couple, much more often than the regulated boundary sort of woman.

So by all means interrogate your new potential intimate partner to the greatest possible extent. Don't be shy about it. It is your only protection against future nasty surprises.

This narcissistic civilization where all of us are infected by the virus of narcissism. It's a contagion. We need to defend ourselves against a narcissistic past in our intimate partner's history.

More generally, people tend to link narcissistic behaviors and psychopathic behaviors and traits to empowerment.

They say I'm empowered. I'm not emancipated. I'm strong. I'm resilient. They talk about defiance and recklessness as though these were virtues. Impulsiveness is spontaneity. Women have never been less empowered sexually than nowadays.

And I'm saying women because narcissistic and narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors are exploding mainly among women. That is the segment women and people under the age of 25. These are the two population cohorts, the two population segments where narcissism and psychopathy are absolutely in a state of supernova.

So I want to talk about women because women keep saying I'm empowered now. I'm strong. I'm resilient.

I do what I want and so on and so forth. Women are defiant. They're contumacious. They're impulsive. They're reckless. They're aggressive. And they think they're cool. They think this demonstrates the world, the new woman. It's not cool. Women have never been less empowered sexually than nowadays.

As sexual scripts and gender roles crumbled, phenomenon known as gender vertigo, they have been replaced exclusively by male stereotypes of women as sluts. Yes, you heard me correctly. The current mores, the current ethos is a male stereotype of a woman.

Women's work by Lisa Wade, for example, and Carrie Cohen, among many others, supports this counterintuitive claim that women are less empowered and more subject to male stereotypes that women had adopted male stereotypes.

The exclusive growth of female objectifying pornography is proof of that because women participate in this pornography. They make it.

Many women produce self-porn, place it online for the benefit of men. They are addicted to male attention, the male gaze. They seek validation. They want to prove to themselves that they are desirable, capable of seduction. Many of them misconstrue or misidentify this with love, being liked with being loved. And rather than resist this typecasting, women have conformed.

They post online, as I've mentioned, self-pornography to dozens of leering men. They sleep around promiscuously, often inebriated. They hook up. They subject themselves to multifarious degradations by individual men and sometimes by groups of predatory males.

The male gaze came to define women more than ever. Women are defining themselves through male stereotypes, and this is called the stalled revolution in the literature.

To resolve the inevitable cognitive dissonance that such object submission creates, women had convinced themselves that they're actually choosing this state of things. It's their choice. They claim to be agentic, endowed with selective powers and decision-making powers. They claim to actually enjoy what they are made to do in order to conform to male expectations and to garner male attention.

Some women call themselves proud sluts, but slut is a male stereotype of a female. If you're a proud slut, you are a doormat because you had conformed a thousand percent to the male gaze, to the way chauvinistic male men see you. It's an oxymoron, and so we've come full circle.

Narcissists abhor and dread change, change averse. They misidentify the external environment with their internal environment. They're afraid that any change and any transformation in the external environment is the equivalent of self-destruction, destruction of the self, because their environment is the self.

They outsource ego functions in their own self to the environment.

Because of that, this creates anxiety.

They begin to identify everyone as a secretary object, and then they try to convert everyone into snapshots that they can control and manipulate.

This creates a lot of anxiety because external objects, other people, always diverge from the snapshot.

To reduce this anxiety, narcissists and psychopaths engage in kinky and paraphilic psychosexuality. They try to co-opt partners. They try to find intimate partners to go along with this kind of psychosexuality, and usually they fail.

When they fail, they react dysfunctionally.

As our civilization, culture, societies become more and more narcissistic and more and more psychopathic, we are beginning to see these behaviors permeate and pervade and become ubiquitous everywhere, especially among women. Women had convinced themselves that this is their own doing because narcissists always deceive themselves into believing that they are in control.

They are responsible. They've made everything happen. They're the prime movers and shakers. Women are no exception.

But actually, what is happening is women conform more and more to male stereotypes, which are essentially chauvinistic, narcissistic, and even psychopathic.

So women become more and more psychopathic in order to garner male attention, to secure the male gaze.

There is a tsunami of narcissism and psychopathy because there's a vicious circle.

Expectations generate behaviors, and behaviors generate expectations. Everyone feels anxious about this total, total, all-pervasive loss of control.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.

Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.

Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Narcissists, particularly cerebral narcissists, often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sex or teasing them. This is because they are misogynists who hold women in contempt and fear them. They divide women into saints and whores, and view sex and intimacy as mutually exclusive. The narcissist's frustrating behavior serves to secure a narcissistic supply and reenact unresolved conflicts with their mother. They pathologize women to control them and project their own parasitic behavior onto them.

Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.

Narcissist: No Sex, please, I am Cerebral!

Narcissists are autoerotic and prefer masturbation to sex. They view women with contempt and seek to torment them. The cerebral narcissist is often celibate and prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. They are afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and are even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that they fancy themselves prone to develop following a sexual encounter.

Narcissist's Objects and Possessions

Narcissists have a complex relationship with objects and possessions, with some being accumulators who jealously guard their belongings and others being discarders who give away their possessions to sustain their sense of control. Objects provide emotional decor and elicit narcissistic supply, and the narcissist often compares people to the inanimate. Narcissists collect proofs and trophies of their sexual prowess, dramatic talent, past wealth, or intellectual achievements, and these objects operate through the mechanism of narcissistic branding. The narcissist is a pathogen who transforms his human and non-human environment alike, objectifying people and anthropomorphizing objects to optimize or maximize narcissistic supply.

Breaking Through the Narcissist's Indifference by Becoming a Psychop

Narcissists have three essential demands from their partner: sex, supply, and services. If the partner provides any two of these three, the narcissist is pacified and ignores her. The partner needs to escalate, dramatize, and render herself unpredictable to attract the narcissist's attention. As our civilization becomes more narcissistic, both men and women adopt and emulate grandiose psychopathic men as role models, gurus, and guiding lights. The situation is so bad that many people are choosing simply to stay alone, to remain single in the fullest sense of the word.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Somatic Narcissist: Not Sex, But Pursuit and Conquest

Somatic narcissists derive their narcissistic supply from the process of securing sex, rather than the act itself. They are often health freaks, bodybuilders, or hypochondriacs, and regard their bodies as objects to be sculpted and honed. The cerebral narcissist, on the other hand, is haughty and uses their intellect or knowledge to secure admiration. Both types are auto-erotic and prefer masturbation to interactive sex. It is a mistake to assume type constancy, as the narcissist swings between their dominant and recessive types.

Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Heterosexual narcissists desire women but are frustrated by their inability to interact with them meaningfully. They hate women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly, and their hate is primal, irrational, and the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bare-tempered, paranoid, and sadistic, and their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness, and rage. They are their own worst enemy and cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan or career path or relationship.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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