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Narcissist: Re-Parent Yourself!

Uploaded 11/15/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

No one knows whether therapy works in the long-term when narcissists are concerned.

What is known is that therapists find narcissists repulsive, overbearing and unnerving. It is also known that narcissists try to co-opt, idolize, intimidate or humiliate their therapists.

They regard therapeutic session as a competition, mind game, or a power play.

But what if a narcissist really wants to improve? Even if complete healing is out of the question, behavior modification is a distinct possibility.

To a narcissist, I would recommend a functional approach with the following stages.

First of all, know and accept yourself. This is who you are. You have good traits and bad traits, and you are a narcissist.

These are the facts.

Narcissism is an adaptive mechanism. It is dysfunctional now, but once, when you were a child, it saved you from a lot more dysfunction or even non-functionality.

Make a list. What does it mean to be a narcissist in your specific case? What are your typical behavior patterns? Which types of conduct do you find to be counterproductive, irritating, self-defeating, or self-destructive? And which types of behavior are actually productive, constructive, and should be enhanced and encouraged despite their pathological origin?

And so once you've constructed these lists, decide to suppress the first type of behaviors and to promote the second type, the constructive ones.

So build a list, compile a list of self-punishments, negative feedback, and negative reinforcements. Use these upon yourself when you have behaved badly.

Make a list of prizes, little indulgences, positive feedbacks, and positive reinforcements, and use these to reward yourself when you have adopted a behavior of the second kind, a constructive attitude, a behavior that promoted your interests.

Keep doing this with the express intent of conditioning yourself. In other words, keep rewarding yourself for constructive, positive, self-promoting behavior. Keep punishing yourself for negative, socially unacceptable, irritating behaviors. Keep these reinforcements coming negative and positive with the express intent of conditioning yourself.

Try to be objective, predictable, and just in the administration of both punishments and rewards, positive and negative reinforcements and feedback.

Learn to trust your inner court, your instincts.

Constrain the sadistic, immature, and ideal parts of your personality by applying a uniform cortex, a set of immutable and invariably applicable rules.

Once you feel sufficiently conditioned, monitor yourself incessantly.

Narcissism is sneaky and it possesses all of your resources because narcissism is you. Your disorder is intelligent because you are intelligent.

Beware and never lose control. With time, this onerous regime will become a second habit and supplant the narcissistic, pathological superstructures.

You might have noticed that all the above can be amply summed up by suggesting to you to become your own parent, to re-parent yourself.

This is what parents do and the process is called education or socialization.

Re-parent yourself. Be your own parent.

If therapy is helpful or needed, go ahead.

The heart of the beast is the inability of the narcissist to distinguish truth or false, appearance from reality, posing from being, narcissistic supply from genuine relationships, and compulsive drives from true interests and avocations.

Narcissism is about deceit. It blurs the distinction between authentic actions, true motives, real desires, original emotions, and the malignant forms.

Narcissists are no longer capable of knowing themselves. They are terrified by their internal operations, paralyzed by their lack of authenticity, suppressed by the weight of their repressed emotions. They occupy a whole of mirrors.

At what moonlight their alligator figures stare at them on the verge of a scream, it's somehow soundless.

Help yourself. Grab yourself out of the abyss. Make yourself a better, more functional person by getting rid of some of this baggage.

Not all of it, because some of it is still adaptive, but the rest of it is holding you back. Have your best interests in mind.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Self-Aware Narcissist: Still a Narcissist

Narcissism is pervasive and defines the narcissist's waking moments, infiltrating and permeating their dreams. Narcissists only admit to a problem when they are abandoned, destitute, and devastated. Narcissistic behaviors can be modified using talk therapy and pinpointed medication conditioning, but there is a huge difference between behavior modification and a permanent alteration of a psychodynamic landscape. Narcissism may improve with age, but it is rare.


How Narcissist Is Mortified

Narcissism can be addressed through behavior modification and treatment modalities, but pathological narcissism remains largely immutable. Mortification occurs when a narcissist's grandiose self-perception is challenged, leading to a collapse of their defenses and a confrontation with their true self. This process is exacerbated by aphantasia, which prevents narcissists from visualizing others empathetically, and the misinformation effect, which distorts their memories and self-perception based on external inputs. Ultimately, narcissists may create rich false memories to cope with the shame and humiliation of mortification, reinforcing their grandiosity and distorting their reality.


Why Narcissists Love Borderline Women and Why They Hate Them Back

Narcissistic mortification is a challenge to the false self, which crumbles and is unable to maintain defenses and pretensions. Narcissists use two strategies to restore some cohesiveness to the self: deflated and inflated narcissist. Narcissists engage in mortification, a form of self-mutilation, to feel alive and free from commitment to their false self. Narcissists seek out borderline women to mortify them and experience the unresolved primary conflict with their mother.


Narcissist: Why Self-help?

Narcissists can take steps to cope with their disorder before deciding whether to attend therapy. The first step is self-awareness, which involves admitting that something is wrong and accepting responsibility for their role in their misfortune. The second step is confronting a more realistic view of themselves, which can be achieved by people who care about the narcissist confronting them with the truth about themselves and their life. The third step is committing to a regime of therapy, which involves adopting a humble frame of mind and being constructively and productively active in their own therapy. However, few narcissists see why they should embark on this massive quest.


Collapsed Narcissist in Therapy (ENGLISH responses, with Nárcisz Coach)

A narcissist is unlikely to seek therapy unless they experience a complete collapse in all areas of their life, such as relationships, career, and reputation. When they do attend therapy, it is not for healing but to be "fixed" so they can continue their narcissistic behaviors. The therapy process is confrontational and aims to dismantle the narcissistic identity rather than restore it, ultimately leading to a more functional and fulfilling life. Although the therapy is challenging and can be dangerous, it is presented as the only viable option for true change and survival.


Narcissists Fear Therapy

Narcissists cannot cure themselves, and gaining insight into the disorder is not the same as healing. The best way for a narcissist to help themselves is by resorting to a mental health professional, but even then, the prognosis is dim. The therapeutic situation implies a superior/inferior relationship, which is difficult for the narcissist to accept. The narcissist must shed his false self and face the world naked, defenseless, and to his mind pitiful.


Shame, Guilt, Codependents, Narcissists, and Normal Folks

Children from dysfunctional families often develop intense feelings of shame, which can lead to co-dependency or narcissism, depending on their innate characteristics. Co-dependents are seen as resilient, while narcissists create a false self to evade shame, leading to anti-social behaviors when their grandiosity is challenged. Shame affects normal individuals by motivating them to apologize and conform, while for those with personality disorders, it triggers defensive and delusional reactions. The distinction between guilt and shame is crucial, as guilt is context-dependent and linked to moral agency, whereas shame arises from internalized feelings of inadequacy and alienation.


Narcissistic Mortification: From Shame to Healing via Trauma, Fear, and Guilt

Narcissistic mortification occurs when a narcissist is confronted with the reality of their imperfections, leading to feelings of defeat and terror as their false self crumbles. This experience is often triggered by external challenges or criticisms that clash with their idealized self-image, resulting in a disorienting realization of their limitations. The narcissist may respond to this mortification through various defense mechanisms, such as grandiosity or aggression, as they struggle to regain a sense of control and avoid facing their true self. Ultimately, mortification can serve as a potential catalyst for healing, as it forces the narcissist to confront their condition and the possibility of reintegrating with their true self.


Narcissists: Achievers and Failures

Narcissists are either compulsively driven overachievers or chronic underachieving wastrels. The disparity between the accomplishments of the narcissist and his grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image is what is called the grandiosity gap. It is a staggering abyss and in the long run, it is insupportable and unsustainable. The narcissist's false self is so unrealistic and his expectations of himself are so way out there, his superego is so sadistic, these inner voices that criticize him, that there is nothing the narcissist can do to extricate himself from the Kafkaesque trial that is his life.


Repentant Narcissist, Therapist Must Accept Diagnosis ( 12 Steps Of Narcissists Anonymous)

Mental health practitioners often hesitate to label patients with conditions like narcissistic personality disorder due to the stigma associated with such diagnoses. Acceptance of one's diagnosis is crucial for growth and healing, as denial leads to unchanged behavior. Narcissists may engage in self-reflection but ultimately absolve themselves of responsibility, viewing themselves as victims rather than acknowledging their harmful actions. A proposed 12-step program for narcissists emphasizes the importance of admitting powerlessness over their condition, taking moral inventory, and making amends to foster accountability and limit the damage they inflict on others.

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