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Narcissist Reacts to Criticism, Disagreement, Disapproval

Uploaded 1/4/2011, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The narcissist is constantly on the lookout for slights and insults. He is hypervigilant. He perceives every disagreement as criticismand every critical comment as complete and humiliating rejection.

The narcissist perceives every disagreement, let alone criticism, as nothing short of a threat. He therefore reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another narcissistic injury. He devalues the person who had made the disparaging remark, the critical comment, the unflattering observation, the innocuous joke at the narcissist expense.

By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant, the narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement and criticism on himself. This is a defense mechanism known as cognitive dissonance.

Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout. In his mind, there is this dialogue or monologue, rather. Was this comment meant to demean me? Was this utterance a deliberate attack on me?

And gradually, the narcissist's mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasies and unchallenged grandiosity.

But here's the rub and the twist.

When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation become public, the narcissist tends to regard them as narcissistic supply.

Only when they are expressed in private does the narcissist rage against them. Public commentary, even unfavorable, even if negative, is narcissistic supply.

The cerebral narcissist is as competitive and intolerant of criticism and disagreement as is his somatic counterpart. The subjugation, subordination of others, demands the establishment of the narcissist's undisputed intellectual superiority or professional authority.

Alexander Lohan wrote an excellent exposition of this hidden or tacit competition. The cerebral narcissist aspires to perfection.

Thus, even the slightest and most inconsequential challenge to his authority is inflated by him, hence the disproportionality of his reactions.

When confronting adversity fails, some narcissists resort to denial, which they apply to their extensions, family, business, workplace, colleagues, friends.

Take, for example, the narcissistic or the narcissist's family. Narcissists often instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, maladaptation, dysfunction, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred, and mutual repulsion, which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family.

Other sayings like not to wash the family's dirty linen in public, that's a common exhortation. Whole family conforms to the fantastic grandiose and perfect and superior narrative invented by the narcissist.

To the narcissistic confabulation, the family becomes an extension of the false self.

This is an important function of these sources of secondary narcissistic supply.

To comply, to affirm, to uphold, and to buttress the false self, if necessary, by denying reality and by pathologically and recurrently lying about it.

Criticizing, disagreeing, or exposing these fictions and lies, penetrating the family's facade, they are all considered to be mortal sins by the narcissist.

The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame trips, and to abuse including physical abuse. This state of things is especially difficult for families where sexual abuse is prevalent.

Behavior modification techniques are liberally used by the narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family cabinets.

An unexpected by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny, rebelliousness. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent children are likely to expose the narcissist's vulnerabilities.

He is proneness to secrecy. His self-delusion is aversion to the truth, and they are likely to rebel against him sooner or later.

The first thing to crumble in the narcissist's family is this shared psychosis, the mass denial and the secretiveness so diligently cultivated by him.

The criticism and disagreement that he so avoids are bound to haunt him and catch up with him sooner or later.

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20 Ways to Provoke the Narcissist to Meltdown, Tantrum, Apoplexy

Narcissists possess an inflated self-perception, viewing themselves as unique and superior, which makes them highly sensitive to any perceived threats to their grandiosity. Statements that imply autonomy, equality, or criticism can provoke intense rage or injury, as they challenge the narcissist's belief in their omnipotence and uniqueness. Even innocuous phrases, such as offering help or expressing agreement, can be interpreted as insults, leading to defensive or aggressive reactions. Engaging with a narcissist requires caution, as any challenge to their self-image can result in severe emotional backlash.


Narcissistic Humiliation and Injury

Narcissists react to humiliation in the same way as normal people, only more so. They are regularly and strongly humiliated by things that normally do not constitute a humiliation. The emotional life of the narcissist is tinted by ubiquitous and recurrent insults, humiliations, and slights. The narcissist is constantly on the defensive, constantly being targeted, and is a kind of paranoid.


Narcissist's Vulnerability: Grandiosity Hangover

Narcissists often engage in shared delusions and collective denial, clinging to an inflated sense of self and past moments of perceived superiority. Their vulnerabilities, particularly the grandiosity hangover and grandiosity gap, can be exploited, especially when they face authority or feel their self-worth is threatened. Any challenge to their perceived uniqueness or entitlement can provoke intense rage, leading them to react aggressively in an attempt to restore their grandiose self-image. Confronting a narcissist with questions or statements that undermine their self-perception can effectively deter their behavior.


Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury

Narcissistic rage stems from narcissistic injury, which occurs when a narcissist perceives a threat to their inflated self-image. This injury can provoke intense and disproportionate reactions, as the narcissist is hyper-vigilant to slights and criticism, viewing them as significant threats to their fragile ego. The narcissist's dependence on external validation creates a cycle of aggression, where they lash out at perceived offenders while simultaneously devaluing them to mitigate the impact of criticism. Ultimately, narcissistic rage manifests in two forms: explosive outbursts directed at others and passive-aggressive behaviors aimed at undermining those they feel have wronged them.


Why Narcissist Must Win, Be Right ( Psychopath, Too!)

Narcissists and psychopaths must always win and be right because their self-worth and identity are intricately tied to a fragile sense of superiority, which they defend through coercion and manipulation. They engage in a zero-sum game where their victory necessitates the total defeat of others, viewing interpersonal interactions as battles rather than opportunities for connection. This need for dominance stems from deep-seated fears of shame and humiliation, leading them to preemptively eliminate any potential competition or threat to their inflated self-image. Ultimately, their insistence on winning and being right is a desperate attempt to maintain control over their reality, as any acknowledgment of failure would shatter their constructed identity and expose them to the vulnerabilities they cannot bear.


Narcissist's Routines

Narcissists have a series of routines that are developed through rote learning and repetitive patterns of experience. These routines are used to reduce anxiety and transform the world into a manageable and controllable one. The narcissist is a creature of habit and finds change unsettling. The narcissist's routines are often broken down when they are breached or can no longer be defended, leading to a narcissistic injury.


Faces of Narcissist's Aggression

Narcissists possess a grandiose sense of self-importance and believe in their unique mission, often viewing their lives as significant narratives meant for future documentation. They expect others to recognize their entitlement and comply with their needs, leading to frustration and aggression when the world does not accommodate them. This aggression can manifest in various forms, including passive-aggressive comments disguised as helpful advice, which serve to inflict emotional harm. Ultimately, narcissists harbor deep-seated hostility and resentment, making their interactions potentially harmful to those around them.


Old-age Narcissist

Narcissists age without grace, unable to accept their fallibility and mortality. They suffer from mental progeria, aging prematurely and finding themselves in a time warp. The longer they live, the more average they become, and the wider the gulf between their pretensions and accomplishments. Few narcissists save for rainy days, and those who succeed in their vocation end up bitterly alone, having squandered the love of family, offspring, and mates.


Narcissist: No Sense of Humor

The narcissist's humor is rarely self-deprecating and is often used to seek validation and admiration from others. This inflated sense of self-importance leads to a belief in a unique mission and cosmic significance, causing the narcissist to view every aspect of life as part of a grand design. Consequently, the narcissist reacts to life's challenges with extreme emotions, oscillating between idealization and devaluation of others, and often perceives minor events as significant omens. This mindset fosters paranoia and detachment, leaving little space for genuine humor or levity.


Paranoia, Narcissistic Mirroring, and Narcissistic Reflection

Narcissists tend to react with paranoia when they feel threatened, but these attacks tend to fade and the narcissist frequently homes in on new agents of persecution. The narcissist's paranoia is a grandiose fantasy aimed to regulate their sense of self-worth. The narcissist's partner tends to encourage their paranoid or threatening attention, and this is a game of two. Living with a narcissist can tilt one's mind toward abnormal reactions, and even after separation, the narcissist's partners typically still care for the narcissist greatly.

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