If you've seen a borderline explode or if you've seen a narcissist rage, it's difficult to tell the difference.
But you know, sometimes in psychology we have similar phenomena, similar behaviors, and a different etiology. Etiology is causation, motivation. What makes these behaviors manifest?
So the narcissist's rage is for a very different reason than the borderline.
The borderline is known as acting out. Narcissistic rage is something completely different.
So I'll try to explain to you what I mean.
Narcissistic rage is intended to restore the narcissistic sense of grandiosity.
Grandiosity, remember I told you? Grandiosity is a cognitive distortion. Grandiosity is a falsification of reality to conform to some inflated, fantastic self-image or self-perception or sense of self.
So the narcissist goes around says, I'm a genius. I'm Napoleon. I'm brilliant. I'm drop dead gorgeous and this and that. And he expects everyone to confirm this, to agree with him, to validate this fantasy, basically, this delusion.
And so when this is challenged, when reality or other people undermine this grandiose self-perception, when they disagree with the narcissists, criticize the narcissists, expose the narcissists, confront the narcissist with unpleasant, uncomfortable truths, and so on so forth, the grandiosity crumbles.
The narcissist has to immediately restore it.
Why? Because grandiosity is a protective wall. It's like a firewall.
And there is this inner core. And the inner core of the narcissist is actually full of shame. It's fragile. It's vulnerable. It's infantile. It's childlike.
And when this core is exposed to the day of light, because the grandiose defenses have crumbled, it's very painful. It's very humiliating. and it's an intolerable sensation. Narcissists can't survive this.
So he immediately must reconstruct his grandiosity and he does this by raging.
When he rages, he feels godlike. He feels omnipotent. He's a bit sadistic when he rages. And everyone around him is terrified and cowed and submissive and it makes him feel good and his grandiosity is restored. He feels that he is back to his erstwhile state, to the previous state.
So narcissistic rage, exactly like typical healthy anger, you know, is a signal. When you are angry at someone, you're signaling something. You're saying, listen, I don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable. I feel bad. I want you to change your behavior.
So anger is a behavior modification signal. Signal to the environment that something needs to change.
Similarly, narcissistic rage is a signal, but it's a signal of superiority. I'm superior to you. I hold you in contempt. You don't deserve my time or resources or attention or love or whatever. I'm defiant. I'm invulnerable. It's an invulnerability signal. You can't do anything to me. I'm untouchable. I'm impervious.
So in other words, narcissistic rage is a psychopathic feature. It is when the narcissist is at his most psychopathic.
Yes, half of all narcissists are. So at that point, the narcissist is psychopathic.
And this, in my work, there is this psychopathic protector self-state that comes out when the narcissist or the borderline or other people with mental illness are challenged when they are about to disintegrate. When they feel really, really bad, there is this psychopathic self-state that comes out, takes over, and is protective. And it defends the person with mental illness against the outer world, against external reality.
So this is the role of narcissistic rage.
It's not the same in borderline. Borderlines rage even more than narcissists. Borderlines are more frightening than narcissists when they lose it.
But the borderline's rage, known clinically as acting out, is about regaining control.
Proceeding the rage of the borderline is something called decompensation, a collapse of all her defenses. She is defenseless. I'm saying she, because historically most people diagnosed the borderline were women, but today half of all borderlines are men.
So she's defenseless. She's open to the world. She's vulnerable. And anything in anyone can impact her, dysregulate her, overwhelm her.
And so there's a sense of loss of control.
Whereas a narcissist rage is preceded by narcissistic injury or narcissistic mortification, the borderline's rage is preceded by an overwhelming sense of loss of control. And it's about regaining control over her life.
And even more importantly, regaining control or mastery over the abandoning or rejecting person.
This is a reaction, this rage, this borderline rage, is a reaction to real, anticipated, or perceived abandonment and rejection. Someone is doing the abandoning and the rejecting, yeah?
And the borderline tries to regain that person, to retake that person. It's like a hostile takeover. She wants to bring that person back into the role of external regulation that I mentioned earlier. She wants this person back in her life under her own terms and conditions.
So in the borderline, the process is decompensation. No, the process is she anticipates rejection or abandonment or humiliation. Or she experiences rejection, abandonment or humiliation. Or she misinterprets behaviors of others as forms of abandonment, rejection, and humiliation.
And in all three cases, she falls apart. She falls apart. All her defenses crumble, she decompensates, and she begins to act out in order to regain control over herself and over the people who have deserted her, the people who have walked away. She wants them back.
And again, this is a psychopathic thing. In the case of the borderline is a secondary psychopath.
This obsession with control, control freakery, this need to micromanage everything and everyone to demonstrate to everyone that she is defiant, in your face, reckless, all-powerful, doesn't give a damn, free as the wind. You know, these messages are psychopathic messages.
And so, in all three cases, healthy anger, narcissistic rage, and the borderline is acting out. In all three cases, there is a signal sent to the environment.
In the case of the narcissists, the signal is, I am again godlike.
In the case of the borderline, the signal is, come back to me, do not abandon me, do not reject me, and I'm fully in control of myself and of you, and I'm going to do whatever damn well I please. Whatever damn well pleases me, I'm going to do it.
So there is an attempted behavior modification. There is an attempt at manipulation.
The borderline tries to manipulate her intimate partner, her good friend, her special person, favorite person, you know, she tries to manipulate these people, make them come back, which means change their behaviors.
But in the case of the borderline, it's more a panic reaction. Not so much rage as panic. It signals neediness.
And so, whereas in the narcissistic rage is utterly psychopathic, in the borderline, it's a combination of psychopathic, yes, defiant, reckless, and so on, and codependent.
The dysregulation in the borderline rage leads her to behave like a psychopath, but at the same time, she broadcasts, she signals, I need you, I miss you, I'm nothing without you, you regulate me, I'm a different person when you're around, please come back.
So this is neediness, this is codependency, and this is typical of the borderline's anger.
These are the distinctions, more or less. I hope I answer your questions and I'm open to additional ones. You know,