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Narcissist’s Mixed Signals: You His Mother, He Your Father

Uploaded 9/9/2020, approx. 35 minute read

I fully agree with you. I mean, I couldn't have said it better.

Empaths and narcissists absolutely deserve each other.

I mean, I visited forums of self-styled, self-aggrandizing so-called empaths, and trust me, narcissists have a lot to learn from them.

Narcissists have nothing on these people. I mean, they are more abusive than any abuser I've ever come across.

Anyhow, I'm trying to remedy the situation with my very limited viewership, but I don't think it's working because empath feels good. I mean, it feels morally superior. It feels like you've been wrong. It's a victim stance and a very rewarding victim stance.

And there are many people who make a lot of money from the empath industry. They sell them books. They provide counseling. Even academics have been swept into this grace and contaminated and corrupted by money. So you have professors in psychology and others who propagate this.

Anyhow, listen, I got to go. I have a video to make. So thank you for the news and we'll be in touch. I'll call you on Thursday. I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye.

Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you all over the place.

So first of all, I owe you an apology. In one of my previous videos, I mentioned the book, Laws of Human Nature, which I regard as a manual on how to become a psychopath, a successful psychopath. The author is Robert Green, not Brian Green. Brian Green is a physicist, a respectable physicist. Robert Green is the author of the book. He also wrote The Art of Seduction and how to be a psychopath and how to be a narcissist and manuals.

And he calls himself the new Machiavelli and he's exceedingly proud of it.

Bizarre what people are proud of nowadays, but he is proud of this.

So here's the correction. Robert Green, not Brian Green, and my humblest prostrate apologies to Brian Green, who is a great physicist and has popularized physics and science to a large extent. I've just been appointed as editor in the editor program of Academia.edu. Academia.edu is the largest academic portal in the world with more than 110 million professors as members.

So I'm an editor now and in the editorial board of Academia.edu, and of course it gratifies me a lot.

And I must say, I love this pandemic. It's exactly what the doctor ordered. Plus, I've been wearing a mask all my life.

Hell, narcissist, the narcissist is the mask. There's nothing there. Take away the mask and there's no face.

You know the horror movies where there's this faceless entity walking the halls and about to get you. That's a narcissist. There's only the mask.

Masses is a prime for this pandemic because they have been masks. They have not been wearing masks. They have been masks all their lives.

You know, of course, that the word personality comes from the Greek, ancient Greek word persona, which means mask. Personality is a mask that we put forward.

There have been scholars like Jung and Goffman who describe how we put on a mask when we interact with other people.

The difference between the narcissist and a healthy person is that a healthy person takes off the mask and then there's a person behind it. And the narcissist takes off the mask and there's nothing there.

Okay, enough with this sophisticated blood adage.


Today we're going to talk about narcissist sex and other pretty titillating, these and pieces.

Narcissists sexualize intimacy. They have something called sexual overperception.

Now, mind you, all men have sexual overperception. Men tend to misinterpret female behavior and regard it as a sexual invitation.

So if a woman is nice to you, if a woman is kind to you, if a woman brings you a gift for your birthday, it means she wants to have sex with you. This is the male brain and it's called sexual overperception.

But narcissists take sexual overperception to a whole new level because they sexualize everything. They sexualize intimacy as well.


Today I will try to deal with a fraught question. Why is a narcissist's sexuality so distorted?

His personality is distorted and disordered. His conduct is problematic.

It seems that there is a kind of metastatic process that had invaded every dimension in his life, which is exactly what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual says.

But sex is a different domain and has a different ideology.

Many narcissists grow up in families with mixed signals. You could have, for example, a mother who is asexual and a father who is promiscuous or exactly the opposite, a father who is anti-sexual, for example, highly religious or highly traditional or highly conservative, and a mother who is a bit on the promiscuous and histrionic side. So there are mixed signals.

When the child gets two seriously conflicting signals about sex, the child can't make up his mind.

Many narcissists had received as children the message that sex is dirty and that all women are sloths. At the same time, the mother was subtly incestuous. She touched the child, inappropriately maybe, or she confided in the child, rendering the child an effective intimate partner, so she parentified the child. Or she reacted to compliments or insults, even inadvertent, as a lover would, not as a mother should. So she reacted as an equal partner to anything the child said.

In other words, the mother entered the role of a companion. She abrogated her duties and her role and her functions as a mother in favor of maintaining an interaction with a child, which is ambiently and emotionally incestuous and sometimes crosses the border into physical incest.

Similarly, the father, and of course the roles can be reversed. Let me be clear, the roles can be completely reversed. The father could have this, we usually with a daughter.

But for clarity and simplicity's sake, I'm using a typical mother and father.

So the father could be highly conservative, as I said, highly traditional and so on, and he could broadcast to the child that sex is bad, sex is corrupting, sex is dangerous, sex is unhealthy.

And so then the child is caught in the vice of these mixed signals because his mother sexualizes him and his father is warning him against anything with a whiff of sex with the remotest hint or association of sex.

So how to interpret mother's behavior? Is she an enemy? Is she trying to corrupt? Is she trying to destroy? Is she trying to infect? Is she contagious? Is it a contagion? Is she a virus? Or is father wrong?

Any father is wrong about this? Maybe he's wrong about many other things. So it undermines the father's authority and infallibility and the child's, the two pillars of the child's existence crumble.

It's like Samson, Samson with the temple, you know, the two pillars crumble, the temple crumbles, the whole edifice buries the child like in an earthquake or an explosion. It's a very, very traumatic state of things because the child doesn't know who to trust and who to believe and who to adhere to and who to follow.

And so this kind of children grow up to be adults and they develop Peter Pan syndrome and they refuse to accept adult chores and adult responsibilities and they become commitment folks. They're afraid of commitment.

We know this, but a very important thing to realize that this kind of children can relate to a woman.

Again, you can exchange the pronouns. When I say he, you can, when I say she, you can think he, when I say he, you can think she.

But I don't want to encumber this video. So I'm going to use he and she, woman and man.

Don't go all politically correct on me and don't crucify me, the feminist on you.

So, or the miktals or the red pillars or whatever your insanity of the day is insanity du jour.

So this kind of child can be with a woman in one of two ways. He can be with a woman as a child. In other words, he can refer, he can relate to the woman as a substitute mother. If the woman is a long time life partner, she gradually acquires mothering functions, nurturing functions, or the narcissist forces upon her, cajoles her, coerces her to behave like a mother, to become maternal.

And so of course with a mother, it's inappropriate to have sex. It's incestuous or vertically incestuous.

So the relationship becomes gradually a sex or sexless. So this is the first form of interaction that a narcissist from home where he had received mixed signals from a family that was dysfunctional in the sense that he received conflicting messages.

Such a child will grow up to be an adult and he will have a sexless sexless relationship with a maternal mother like long, long term intimate or life partner or companion.

And the second way he can relate to women is a promiscuous incestuous but very stern and disciplinarian father. So the woman in this case would be a disposable slut to be sexually disappointed and verb but at the same time as he sexually despoils the woman, as he treats her as a dispensable object, as he actually enacts incest with her because he is her father in his mind. He has a paternal mindset.

At the same time, he verbally abuses her and he verbally abuses her to discipline her for her own good. It's kind of tough love coupled with sex.


So to summarize, when a child grows up in a mixed message home, he grows up to be an adult and then he relates to women in one of two ways.

Sex as he has a sexless relationship with a mother figure or he has an incestuous and promiscuous relationship with a slut and then he verbally disciplines and abuses her for her own good.

So when he loves a woman, as he had loved his mother, as a long term intimate partner, he loves her as a child, he renders himself asexual or sexless in order to avoid incest.

And when he desires a throwaway woman, a disposable woman, a tissue woman I call them, exactly like his father told him that sex is. His father broadcast to him that you should have sex only with dirty women. Sex is dirty. You should have sex with street women, with dirty women, with low life women, with low esteemed women, with trash. That's the only woman worth having sex with because you can't defile her more than she is. She's already dirty. She's already contaminated. So when he desires this kind of adult, when he desires a throwaway woman, he transforms himself into a stern disciplinarian father like his father had been.

He hates women, this kind of adult. He hates women. He fears women, especially promiscuous women, especially sexualized women, especially self-histrionic women, seductive women, flirtatious women, teasing women. He hates these women and he's afraid of them.

And so he sadistically despoils them, corrupts them, defiles them, dismantles them, dismembers them and abuses them in every way. He pushes these women away often towards other men, partly to reaffirm his view of women and for the other shoe to drop as he fully anticipates that this kind of woman is going to cheat on him.

So why not get it over with right now? Sometimes these narcissistic adults get married, establish a family and a dutiful, loyal, committed, committed, mother and a dutiful, loyal, faithful, mother.

They have a maternal relationship, sexless maternal relationship at home and they dilly-dally and shilly-shally with wayward, straying promiscuous women outside home.

And sometimes it's exactly the opposite. They are married. They're married to a promiscuous woman, a serial cheater, someone who would betray them, someone who would affirm and confirm their dim view of femininity, passed on to them by father and outside the marriage of the dutiful, maternal figure, they would form a relationship with a matronly maternal figure with whom usually they will not have sex.

But narcissists always have two sets of women in their lives, maternal and promiscuous. Narcissists don't fantasize about sex but about humiliating, trashing, despoiling, degrading and demeaning, debasing, berating the woman alone or with others. Narcissists are sexual sadists, group sex and threesomes.

The narcissist doesn't derive pleasure from the sex act that takes place in an orgy or in a threesome. He derives the pleasure from observing the way his woman, his wife, his spouse, his wife, is rendered whole, a slut, by her liaison with another man.

When he watches the woman in his life having sex with another man in such a setting, not as a cad, he doesn't derive pleasure, the cad derives pleasure. The narcissist's pleasure, the narcissist's gratification and edification is from the debasement, despoiling, demeaning and besmirching of the woman, how she renders herself a slut at his service.

Given the opportunity and the consent, some narcissists sexually assault. They become aggressive and violent. They engage in BDSM. Usually, it's consensual because they're cowards, but it can easily cross the line when the woman, for example, is drunk.

Conventional sex leads the narcissist to boredom and many narcissists develop erectile dysfunction if they engage in traditional conventional, possibly missionary sex.

And again, they use group sex to spice up their sex lives, but not in a good way. They introduce other partners into the sex life, not in order to bond more closely with the woman, but in order to finally be able to regard her with full justification as a slut to humiliate the female.

You see, narcissist to women is what a pedophile is to children, a sadistic monster.

And so this creates, in every relationship with the narcissist, it creates divergent expectations.

Most women cannot reconcile true intimacy and love with the narcissist's way of relating to them, especially sexually.

The narcissist's sex broadcasts to the women. You're an object. You're something to destroy, to despoil, to dismantle. I'm going to have sadistic sex with you. I'm going to hurt you via my sex. I'm going to make you do disgusting things. I'm going to force you to act against your will, against your values, your convictions, your wishes. I'm going to overtake you. I'm going to dominate you. I'm going to render you an unthinking slut. I'm going to make you so submissive that you will vanish.

And this doesn't sit well, of course, with true intimacy and love.

And so the women are confused. There's a preclusion. The narcissist sex precludes intimacy and love, but it doesn't start this way.

In the first stage, in the first phase, women usually indulge the narcissist's sadistic sexuality.

At first, when the attachment, when the bonding are minimal, because at the beginning they're minimal, women say, okay, what the heck? I'll give him what he wants. I'll play along. It's a role play. It will pass.

As we get more intimate, as we fall in love, as we establish a home, as we create a family, make a family, things will change and he will settle down.

Or maybe if I were to gratify his fantasies, he will no longer need them. He will have kind of realized his dreams and now he will be able to move on and become a full fledged adult with adult sexuality, which includes reciprocity and intimacy.

So women engage in what I call malignant optimism. They keep hoping against hope that the narcissist's initial expressed sexuality is an aberration. It's not the real him. It's just maybe an artifact of infatuation because the woman is new to him and he wants to experiment with her body.

They tell themselves, women tell themselves all kinds of stories and invented narratives. And they indulge a narcissist sexually. They collaborate. They play along. Whatever he asks them to do, they realize all his fantasies, nevermind how repulsive to them and how they're disgusted by or even nevermind how morally reprehensible they find some of the requests.

And of course, this has the effect, this acquiescence, this submissiveness, this compliance. This has the effect of amplifying and solidifying the narcissist's attachment and bonding.

The narcissist says, wow, I found the love of my life. I found the woman of my life. She does everything I asked her to do. Whatever my wish is, whatever my fantasy is, she realizes it. She never says no. She's wonderful. She's the one I've been waiting for.

And he gets very attached and bonded with her precisely because she's indulging him. Now she's indulging him because she hopes he will change. And he gets attached to her because he hopes she will never change.

That leads to the second phase. The second phase is when the woman gives up the ghost. I mean, she says enough is enough. You know, it's been one year, it's been two years, it's been three years. We've been playing all kinds of dirty games. You know, anything from water sports to threesomes. And I've had enough. I want to have normal, loving, reciprocated, intimate, warm, accepting sex, finally. I want him to tell me I love you with his body. I don't want this anymore. I don't want the objectifying, cold, calculated, schematic sex that he has in mind. I don't want to become an object. I don't want to be used all the time. And I want to enjoy a bit, you know, not enjoying this.

So as the woman gets, as the woman gets more attached and more bonded with the narcissism, of course, time spent together, time spent together tends to induce attachment and bonding. The more times she spends with the narcissist, the more she bonds with him, the more she gets attached to him because she sees his tender sides, his childlike side, sides, aspects, the childlike aspects of his personality. She sees, you know, no one is 100% bad. Sometimes they're good moments. Sometimes they're tender moments. And she gets attached. She gets bonded, especially because she wants to get attached and bonded. She's so lonely. She's waited for so long.

And he looks to be perfect. He looks to be the perfect partner. Don't forget it starts with love bombing, with grooming. I mean, she's she's absolutely within a shared fantasy and a shared psychosis. She doesn't see reality. She doesn't see the world. And above all, she doesn't see him.

She said she sees not him, but what he represents for her. She sees herself in him. She likes the way he sees her. And so she can't let go. It's addictive. It's absolutely addictive. And she gets very attached and very bonded, unusually so actually.

But when she does, she really, really wants to be loved. She really wants to be held. She really wants to be understood and listened to. She really wants her emotional needs to be catered to. She wants empathy. She wants warmth. She wants acceptance. She wants to see in his eyes the glint of love.

And so then in this second phase, women demand to revert to conventional intimate adult sex, to reciprocate. They suddenly refuse to have the narcissist kind of sex, which is impersonal, objectifying, dehumanizing, sadistic. They want to put a stop to it. Enough is enough. No more threesomes. No more water sports. No more disgusting acts, you know.

I want to make love not to have sex.

And so the second phase, while in the first phase, the woman indulges the narcissist. In the second phase, she cuts off his kind of sex. She no longer collaborates with his sexual fantasies and demands.

And this leads to stage three.

At this point, the narcissist is pissed off. He feels deceived. He feels furious because for years or for months, she had given him exactly what he wanted. Every fantasy was hers. She shared is every king, is every predilection. She agreed to be tied. She agreed to be subjected to various physical acts, which are unmentionable, at least on YouTube.

And so suddenly she cuts it off. That's unfair. He feels that she'd been manipulating him and deceiving him. So he develops sex aversion or even erectile dysfunction. He doesn't want her anymore. His body is rejecting her. His mind is furious. His body is becoming dysfunctional and he can't do it anymore. He doesn't have erection.

I've got a long story short. The relationship is rendered increasingly more and more sexless, sexless and disintimate.

There is a vein of aggression, underlying aggression. As the narcissist begins to digest, the things are not going to be the same. That she is an independent, autonomous entity, a person with their own wishes and fears, with their own preferences, with their own predilections and their own profilivities. This separateness is very threatening to him because it implies abandonment, anxiety. And of course it's a vicious circle.

Because of this, he withdraws. As he withdraws, intimacy declines, sex seizes altogether. And now she has an incentive. She definitely has an incentive to find an alternative, for example, to cheat on him. The attachment and the bonding weaken not only on her part, but on his part.

Because the narcissist begins to put distance between him and the woman. He begins to realize that he's going to lose her, that she's going to hurt him and abandon him and cheat on him.

So he begins to preemptively abandon her and reject her. He says to himself, I'm going to reject her before she rejects me. I'm going to abandon her before she even thinks of it. She's going to cheat on me. I'm going to cheat on her.

It's a bit like borderline. By the way, I'm not the guy who suggested that borderline is failed narcissism. That was a scholar by the name of Grotstein. I'm just quoting him.


Okay. So narcissists have these borderline features, preemptive abandonment and so on and so forth.

And so when a sexual chill sets in, because the woman would no longer collaborate in his delirious wishes, it is then that the narcissist begins to withdraw and he begins to regard the relationship as a chore. And the woman is a nuisance. Why? Because he's not getting his sexual needs and desires met. That by the way, is a totally normal reaction. Everyone would react this way.

And then the stage four, cheating or breakup of both. The narcissist is still attached and still bonded. If there are enough maternal elements in the mix, even a promiscuous woman can be very maternal. So it's always a mix. Even a maternal woman can cheat. It's always a mix. But the level of maternal, I mean, what's the percentage of maternal elements determines the extent of attachment and bonding.

So at this stage, which is the last stage, stage four, the narcissist is still attached. He's still bonded. He still refuses to let go of the woman, of the expression of her maternal instincts. She takes care of him. He is loved in his mind unconditionally. And he refuses to let the woman go free. He refused to set her free.

And it is at this stage that many narcissists become erotic stalkers or very jealous, romantically jealous. They begin to spy on their spouses. They begin to micromanage and micro control their spouses existence and being. They limit the freedoms that they hitherto had given their apartments.

And so stage four is a very conflicted stage. There's attachment and bonding, a bait. They go down. They go down on the part of the woman because she feels that the narcissist's sexuality signifies a lack of intimacy and a lack of true love. Bonding and attachment abate with the narcissist because he feels frustrated. He feels aggressive, he's deceived when the woman refuses to cater to his sexual fantasies.

And so with both of them, there's a reduction, reduction in phase two, attachment and bonding. It's not what it used to be, the couple. And many times they try to break up the narcissist and his woman. They try to break up. They agree on a period of separation or they agree to an open marriage or they effectively separate.

The narcissist upsets himself. He becomes, I don't know, a alcoholic or the woman starts to travel a lot or go on separate vacations. I mean, there are attempts to somehow wind up the whole business, but these attempts are not working well.

Mainly, the narcissist is residually attached to the woman as a mother, as a mother, and won't let go. And similarly, the woman is residually attached to the narcissist owing to the paternal, disciplinarian, strict and stern emanations and communications from the narcissist. The woman has daddy issues, the narcissist has mommy issues, and they complement each other perfectly. They cater to these missing parental figures in their lives.

And there's always the hope that this time it's going to work. This time it's going to work because mommy loves me and daddy just wants what's good for me. Tough love is okay as long as it's love.

And so women stay, a narcissist stay, and they try again, dysfunctionally, and it only gets worse with time.

And of course, some women are exploitative in the relationship, they remain in the relationship for financial reasons. They render services, but they're free. Otherwise they behave as virtual singles. They are free to cheat serially and indiscreetly or they triangulate ostentatiously, or they try to terminate their stalking by teaming up with other men and so on.

But all in all, narcissists are forced to choose between loveless sex with dispensable, disposable women or sexless love with true intimate partners and companions. But these partners and companions are actually substitute mothers. In both cases, loveless sex and sexless love, the narcissist is likely to endure mortifying betrayal. It's a very sad situation.

The narcissist cannot exit from the matrix and the template of his childhood, nor can his woman, his wife, his spouse, his partner. We are all, when we interact within romantic relationships, we all hark back. We all rely on these internalized templates and we can't truly get rid of them.

And there's no exception with the narcissist and his partner. And the narcissist doesn't have really other options because the narcissist doesn't have a healthy sex drive. Most narcissists are not actually promiscuous and they're not actually addicted to sex. Even somatic narcissists, whose whole life is sex, they are sexual braggarts. They brag about how many sexual events. It's actually not about sex, it's about conquest. It's about narcissistic supply.

And so narcissist's relationship with sex is very confronted and problematic. Most narcissists, I would say, if I had to generalize, most narcissists are actually asexual. Even somatic narcissists, that you do something, that you engage in an act, doesn't mean that it reflects internal motivation or relevant psychodynamic. It's very important. The etiology, the psychological reasoning is very important.

Why does the somatic narcissist, why is he so preoccupied with sex? He doesn't see the women he sleeps with. He doesn't see them. For him, there are sex dolls. And if it's a woman, the men, if it's a histrionic woman or a seductive, the men are animated dildos.

The somatic narcissist must debates with female bodies. Watch the previous video that I posted today. It's very relevant.

Narcissists reduce their partners, their sexual partners, to body parts. That's why narcissists are humongous consumers of pornography. Because in pornography, the participants are reduced to body parts. And 40% of pornographic imagery in films focus on body parts, not on the entire body or the, or let alone personality.

Narcissists are asexual. And so if you are cerebral narcissist, you will use faithfulness as an excuse why you're not sleeping with women. I'm faithful to my life. That's why I'm not interested in women. They're intimidated. They fear women. They hate women. They dread female sexuality. And of course, they are biological entities. So they're also attracted.

There's always a conflict. And so their solution, the solution of narcissists, both somatic and cerebral, when the partner consigns the physical, biological attraction with their state of mind of hating women, fearing women, dreading women, female sexuality, when they have to put these two together, their solution is sadistic despoiling.

They confuse sadistic despoiling with sex. When children get a new toy or a new radio, you know, the time, they dismantled it. They wanted to see what's inside. They broke it apart. Narcissists do the same to women. They dismantle them. They want to see what makes them tick. Where's the inner mechanism? You know, they despoil the woman. They dismantle, dismantle the woman. They confuse and conflate sadistic despoiling with sex.

But that's why sex with a narcissist resembles rape psychologically. It's about power, subjugation, hatred, fear and envy. There's no trace of love or intimacy.

The narcissist reserves love and intimacy for other types of interactions within the relationship, even when the partner is loved. And even when there is intimacy, when the partner is intimate, the narcissist would segregate, sequester, isolate the sexual aspect from everything else.

The narcissist could be loving and intimate and supportive.

And the most wonderful partner when it comes to other issues, when it comes to sex and true adult intimacy, he is a child in the worst sense of the word. Sex, excluding masturbation or despoiling kink, sex is a physical activity with attendant dimensions.

For the narcissist, sex induces, creates performance anxiety. And so he has to relate in sex to another full fledged organism. And it makes him very anxious. He is also always comparing himself with others. It's very typical of a narcissist to ask the partner, how many orgasms do they give you? Did you ever have this before? Am I not the best you ever had?

So many narcissists finally settled on masturbation. It's a fully controlled object, you know, their own bodies.

And so with this fully controlled object, they could have regulated, well-regulated sexuality. And the poor narcissist is not even really interested in casual sex. You know, casual sex is a pressure valve. It's an interim solution between regular partners.

And in this sense, it's very laudable. I'm all for it. I just regret that people think of casual sex as meaningless, because sex is never meaningless.

But casual sex, one might stand or whatever, is a great solution, at least biologically and physiologically, if not psychologically, but it's a great solution when you don't have a partner.

But the narcissist is incapable even of this. Even of this.

Why?

Because casual sex, first of all, requires investment. You have to invest. Even if it's one hour, even if it's a few drinks, you have to invest. You have to pretend that you're interested in the partner. You have to listen. You have to talk a little. You have to have some good time. You know, casual sex doesn't happen in the air, unless you go to some sex club or some impersonal setting where actually everyone masturbates using other people's bodies.

So sex, but casual sex with a partner requires investment.

And the narcissist, for the narcissist, to invest in other people is wasteful. He feels that his time is wasted, his resources are wasted. He feels that it's very unjust and it irritates him that he has to invest in other people.

Also, it's impossible with a casual sex partner to realize any kinky or humiliation fantasies. Literally impossible.

I mean, of course, you may come across accidentally one in a million sexual partner who are like you, or if you go to a specific club, they're BDSM clubs. And so there you can pick up the appropriate partner.

But generally, I'm a typical rendezvous of casual sex when you go to a bar and you pick up a woman, she's very unlikely to collaborate with you in your basest, most humiliating and degrading and despoiling and demeaning fantasies. Very unlikely.

So it's not gratifying. And it causes narcissistic injury because after the casual sex, you are disposable. The woman doesn't want to see you again, doesn't want to talk to you again. It's humiliating.

So narcissists are not natural candidates for casual sex.

There's body, personality, sex, sexuality are not satisfied. They need to dominate the female. They need to reduce the female to unthinking submission, brought on by unrequited and tantalizing craving. They need to make the woman act in ways that she would find shameful, hurtful, denigrating, and guilt inducing.

And obviously, none of these can be accomplished in a brief, almost anonymous encounter.

Grooming requires time, effort, careful planning and preparations, repeated exposure. Regular relationship sex with a partner requires intimacy and inordinate and wasteful investment of resources.

So it's also a problem.

The sole interest of a narcissist lies in objectifying, humiliating, degrading and despoiling the woman. Sex is just one way of accomplishing this. Sex is the physical equivalent, the bodily equivalent of verbal abuse. It's a form of abuse.

So as far as a narcissist is concerned, sex is just another mode of abuse. He has no interest in sex except when and if it lets him corrupt the woman, denigrate her, humiliate her, or use her body to masturbate with and then dump.

Otherwise, sex totally fails to arouse a narcissist.

And so that's why sex withholding, withholding sex is another form of sexual sadism.

The aim is to frustrate and to hurt the woman by rejecting her, by humiliating her to the core.

And when the woman makes demands, when she criticizes, disagrees, gives advice, gets too intimate, too comfy with the narcissist, it destroys the sex drive because it makes true sadism impossible.

And remember, narcissists are into sadism, not into sex. Sadism is the reason why sadism requires unmitigated domination. Sadism requires information, asymmetry, and distance.

So making demands, talking, interacting, criticizing, arguing, knowing the narcissist, getting to know the narcissist, up close, humanizing the narcissist.

All these imply equipotence. They imply equality. And equality is the antidote to sadism. You can't be sadistic with an equal partner.

And so this is stage four.


And some women immediately cut off the narcissist as a sexual partner. Others cheat. Others remain in the relationship but abandon the narcissist effectively with another man. Others become service providers or business partners or roommates. There are all kinds of arrangements. Even open marriage sometimes is agreed. All kinds of arrangements.

But in any case, whatever the arrangement is, attachment is gone, bonding is gone, and the two parties are actually absent. They're absent either physically or emotionally and typically both.

And women try everything before they reach stage four. Some of them even try to spice up the sex life with group sex and so on. I've seen women do women, not men, do absolutely everything.

In the narcissist's mind, it is okay to foster expectations and then frustrate them. It is okay to promise commitment and then not keep the promise. It's okay to affect other people's lives irreversibly and irrevocably and then simply disappear and withdraw and ghost them.

Why it's okay?

Because it is sadistic. It is proof positive of the narcissist's power.

You see, she's after me. She's stalking me. She's addicted to me.

But demands, so this is expectations. Demands, real intimacy, they destroy the sadistic fantasy and they make sadistic practice impractical.

Many narcissists actually prefer sadistic supply to narcissistic supply. They would sacrifice narcissistic supply if they can get sadistic supply.

Sadistic supply implies a much bigger power asymmetry. You're more God-like. You're more God-like when you have the power to hurt. Anyone can love, anyone can, you know, but few people can truly cause pain. God can cause pain. God punishes.

So sadistic supply is of a higher grade, higher quality than narcissistic supply.

So you see, many times, narcissist, for example, gives up sex. A woman offers sex and he rejects her. He wouldn't take the sex, even if he's attracted to the woman very much. He desires her, craves her badly, but he would still frustrate her because not having sex with her is sadistic supply. Having sex with her is run-of-the-mill narcissistic supply, slow grade, high grade, heroin is sadistic supply.

And a woman to the narcissist is a figure, an artifact, an object. And again, this is very similar to the way that pedophiles are attracted to immature children's bodies. The woman's body is a fetish. Watch the video I posted earlier today about fetishes and fetishism.

The entire human body is a fetish to be ruined, degraded, played with, toyed with, dismantled, soiled, despoiled. I mean, it's an object to be tossed around, bumped, and bounced. And the entire body becomes like a single object. It's like a classic fetishist.

They admire, I mean, they are sexually attracted and aroused by body parts. So classic fetishes will be around by feet or by boobs or by shoes or by panties or bras.


The narcissist fetishizes the entire body of his partner. The body becomes a fetish.

And the narcissist is sadistic, not only sexually. That's the problem. He's also a psychological sadist.

So the sexual sadism is an echo. It's a reflection and a resonance of much deeper psychological trends and ties and rivers and streams.

You can't dissociate, disengage, and disentangle the two. When we are faced with a classical sexual sadist, many serial killers are actually sexual sadists, honey-balletor types, their sexual sadism is pretty segregated, pretty separate from their general psychological makeup.

And so the sexual sadism can be isolated and tackled. With a narcissist, it's a much bigger problem.

And in this sense, by the way, honey-balletor is a narcissist because honey-balletor is a psychological sadist.

He derives a huge amount of pleasure from the way, from the preparation for the sex, before the sex, from the foreplay.

So in the narcissist, there's a confluence of psychological sadism and sexual sadist.

How do you treat this?

Withholding is a form of sadism.

Coercion and imposing are forms of sadism. Taunting, tantalizing, teasing, frustrating. All of these are forms of sadism.

And this sexual sadism limits the space of possible sexual partners. When it comes to a lifelong partner or intimate partner, the narcissist is promiscuous. Anyone who can provide him with supply, with narcissistic supply, can become the narcissist's intimate partner.

It is a myth, nonsensical myth, that narcissists are attracted only to specific types of women, co-dependence, or this is total trash, unsupported by research.

Narcissists are attracted to absolutely anyone and everyone who provides them with narcissistic supply or has the potential to provide them with narcissistic supply. That's why many narcissists end up with other narcissists in a couple.


But when it comes to sex, it is true that there is type preference, there's mate selection.

Narcissists react to two types of women in sex.

Women who are submissive and are already deeply in love or irresistibly infatuated with the narcissist. And these women require grooming to be brought to this stage.

But having been groomed, these are, they are rendered sexually attractive.

The second type of women, promiscuous masochists.

This kind of women you can find in sex clubs, private networks, or even in bars. It takes a lot of effort to find these women if you also insist on fulfilling your fantasies.

And there are huge risks involved, medical and personal.

So, narcissists usually go for type one, not for type two. They groom. Women in casual sex, as I said before, would never agree to realize the narcissist's sexual fantasies.

Such women also demand equipotence, negotiated power symmetry. They want to be gratified in sex. They have demands.

So, most narcissists actually avoid casual sex in one night's sense. It's very narcissistically injurious. It's unfulfilling and it provokes performance anxiety.

And finally, the narcissist is discarded. The woman doesn't want to have anything further to do with him. So, it's humiliation. It's perceived as rejection.

So, narcissists look for number one, a woman who can be groomed into infatuation via massive sublimation. That's a technical term.

Problem is that a woman who can be groomed requires an intimate committed relationship. And the narcissist is not willing to embark on such a relationship or truly provide it, so he fakes. He lies, simply. Forced promises, pretensions of commitment, and then it creates approach avoidance, repetition compulsion. He approaches, then he panics, he avoids, he runs away, comes back, runs away. He's looking for an admirer, a playmate, a lover mother. He wants a shared fantasy. He's not looking for a wife. He doesn't want to become a father. He doesn't want to establish a family, and he doesn't want to buy a home. He deceives the woman. He makes false promises, to the contrary, in order to secure the three S's, sex, supply, services.

And yes, sometimes the narcissist would go as far as getting married to such a woman, so as to secure her cooperation, but then the marriage is a sham. And so this is the background to the narcissist's sexuality.


Add to this the fact that the narcissist has no empathy, and that the narcissist is amoral, has no morality. In other words, the narcissist has not been socialized to internalize moral and social mores and addicts and so on.

The narcissist, in other words, is not constrained. He's not religious. He's not moral. He has no values.

And if he's psychopathic, he's merely gone over it.

Add these into the mix, and narcissist become seriously dangerous, seriously dangerous, because what you see is not what you get.

All women, even extreme subs, submissive women, they hate sadistic sex, they're disgusted by it.

And all of them ultimately will want something deeper. And so at some point, the narcissist is going to be trapped by his own promises and the expectations he had fostered. And then he would project, would externalize his aggression. And he will punish the woman for rebinding him that he's a liar. There's no winning in this game.

You must understand this. Do not think that anyone can teach you any strategy or technique or no contact if you can. It's painful. It's heartbreaking.

Better to be with a broken heart than with no heart at all.

The narcissist is a phantasm. It's a phatomorgana. It's a mirage. It's not there. There's no water in the oasis.

The palm tree that is growing is a figment. Don't rush or the desert will swallow you.

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Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.


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