Background

When Hoovering Fails, Narcissist Fakes

Uploaded 6/11/2023, approx. 9 minute read

I know you like it long, but all I can offer right now is a micro-episode, hopefully not a psychotic one.

Though you never know with me, do you?

Okay, shoshanim, shoshav, vim, everything, mad madim.

Today we are going to discuss, however briefly, a few unresolved issues, questions you keep sending me and it's clear that I haven't been clear enough. And I owe you, at the very least, clarity.

Okay, introjects and hoovering.

When the narcissist comes across someone who he deems a potential source of narcissistic supply, a possible intimate partner, the narcissist takes a snapshot of that person. He internalizes and introjects this person. He creates an internal object that represents that external object, that person. And then he idealizes the snapshot, he photoshops the snapshot. He idealizes the snapshot and then he proceeds with a relationship. His face is known as lock bombing.

Okay, throughout the relationship, the narcissist coerces you, forces you, blackmails you to conform to the idealized introject, to the idealized internal object. And if you don't, he penalizes you, he punishes you.

And so at some point, the narcissist has to separate from you and individually, they're not going to eat, there's like 20 videos here, which deal with this. At some point, he has to devalue you. And it's identical to the process of idealization. It's like rewinding a movie. It's going backwards.

So when the narcissist idealizes you, he coerces you to conform to the idealized image. And when the narcissist devalues you, he's doing exactly the same. He coerces you to conform to the devalued image.

And that is known as projective identification. He alters, he modifies your behavior in ways which adhere to the devalued object or persecutory object, paranoid object, enemy object. He forces you to behave in ways which confirm and affirm and buttress and support and uphold his negative view of you. The same way he did when he thought that you were the world, that you were the center of the world, that you were the most, most beautiful, most intelligent, most everything, perfect, a perfect being.

So when you're idealized, he pushes you to be perfect. And when you are devalued, when he devalues you, he pushes you to act malevolently. He pushes you to undermine him, to betray him.

And this is the narcissist betrayal fantasy.

So on both ends of the relationship, the love bombing idealization phase with the snapshot or the introject or the internal object is idealized, photoshopped. And the end, the end game of the relationship where the narcissist devalues and discards you on both ends of the relationship, the narcissist uses coercion, molding you, sculpting you, changing you, brainwashing you and training you, taking over your mind.

So as to tame you, domesticate you, housebreak you, make you conform to the internal object, whether this internal object is idealized or devalued.

Okay, until now, right.

Then the narcissist discard you.

And for reasons that I describe in other videos about hoovering, I recommended to watch them.

He hovers you. He re-idealizes you. He dusts off the old snapshot. He takes the snapshot out of the library because he has a library of snapshots of significant others.

So he takes your snapshot out of the library. He pulls off the dust and now he has a snapshot.

Now he photoshops the snapshot yet again. He re-idealizes the snapshot.

And then he approaches you in an attempt to coerce you to conform to the re-idealized snapshot.

The snapshot that used to be devalued is now re-idealized. It's again, perfect and ideal and drop-dead gorgeous and super intelligent and amazing and unprecedented.

And you need to conform to all these expectations.

And so the narcissist again coerces you, uses again, love bombing techniques, brainwashing, in training and other forms of coercion to make you conform to the re-idealized snapshot.


Okay, until now, what happens when you resist? What happens when you refused to be hovered? When you declined the offer to be re-idealized? When you tell the narcissist to f off when you go no contact, really no contact, effectively no contact.

Like you don't stalk him on social media, for example, and you don't send him messages via third parties because that is not no contact. That is being weak. That is being addicted. That is being unbounded.

To stalk your ex, to send him messages through third parties from anonymous accounts, that is lovable. That is lovable and that is contemptible.

And you should not do this because you should go no contact.


Now imagine that you're a strong person and you persist and you insist and you wouldn't, you refuse to be in any sort of touch with the narcissist. You don't let, you don't give him the opportunity to coerce you into being re-idealized. You refuse to play his game by his rules. You walk away. You cut him off.

What then?

The narcissist is faced with a dilemma.

He has inside his mind a re-idealized internal object and there is an external object, you, who refuses to conform, refuses to collaborate and collude in the re-idealization process of the internal object.

The internal object is not perfect. The external object is rejecting, frustrating and that external object is you.

You're telling the narcissist, never again, no more, go away. I don't want to see you. There's a restraining order. You will end up in prison and so on and so forth.

So what does the narcissist do then?

So you see, when there is a discrepancy between the internal object and the external object, the narcissist experiences dissonance. It's known as cognitive dissonance.

He experiences cognitive dissonance. Dissonance is a strong sense of inner conflict and discomfort when there are two things that are incompatible, mutually exclusive and contradictory. Two beliefs, two expectations, two hopes, two values, two thoughts, two anything.

When they conflict, they create dissonance and dissonance generates anxiety and anxiety is intolerable.

What, how does the narcissist resolve the cognitive dissonance when you refuse to play along and to go along with the hovering attempt, when you reject him outright, unequivocally, fully, unambiguously, for good?

What does a narcissist do then?

Of course. He rewrites history and reality. That's his major defense in all cases.

He convinces himself that he never wanted you really in the first place. Like he never did really want you. He was doing you a favor by hoovering you. He was giving you a second chance and you flunked it as he had expected you to do.

And he is the one who discarded you this time. This second time, having tried to hoover you, you were not the one who turned him down. He was the one who decided that after all, you're not compatible. You're not up to the job. You're not qualified.

So he rewrites, he reframes reality and history delusionally to convince himself that he was magnanimous in his effort to hoover you. He was providing you with a chance to fix yourself, to heal yourself, to kind of make reparations on your mistakes.

And you stupidly, because you are stupid, stupidly you rejected his offer. A once in a lifetime offer never recurring.

And so, and having proven your inanity and stupidity, he doesn't want you.

No, he's the one who discarded you.

The hoovering petered off not because he wouldn't collaborate, but because he wouldn't persist. That's the way, that's the story the narcissist tells himself when he's turned down in a hoovering attempt.

And the aim is to preserve the integrity of the internal space of the narcissist, the space which hosts all the internal objects.

What the narcissist does, he re-idealizes, he retouches, he photoshops your snapshot in his mind, your mental representation in his mind, the internal objects, the object that stands in for you in his mind.

He re-idealizes it, he photoshops it, renders it perfect, he then approaches you and tries to coerce you into conforming to with this re-idealize object.

If you turn him down, he's going to instantly re-divale the object, re-divale the internal object and render it a persecutory object, an enemy in short.

And this is exactly what the narcissist does in whenever he comes across any form of narcissistic injury or mortification.

I recommend that you watch my interview with Davia Zukorska, the Polish clinical psychologist, my interview about mortification.

I explained his mechanisms in detail there.

Okay, I hope I've answered your questions.

When you go away, when you're discarded or when you break up with a narcissist, when you walk away, when you walk off, you are still there. Your representation in the narcissist's mind survives. It is imbued with emotions, it is affected.

Negative emotions, you're devalued in his mind. Or fantastic emotions, fantasy, fantasy defense, you're idealized.

One way or the other, the narcissist never lets go of you as far as the internal object.

When the narcissist's time on earth comes when he passes away, there are thousands of introjects in his mind in various stages of undress.

Some of them are idealized, some of them are devalued, some of them are being re-idealized.

There's a library, giant library, which he constantly plays with, constantly affects and de-affects, emotionally invested and disinvesting, commits himself to and runs away, etc., etc.

So there's this management software that runs this introject library in his mind.

And the critical thing is for the external object to match 100% the internal object that represents it in the narcissist's mind, no daylight.

Narcissist dedicates his entire life to forcing people, extorting people, coercing people into becoming inert internal objects.

He is the essence of himself in the fullest sense, figments of his fantasy imagination, in utterly demented mind.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

When YOU Discard the Narcissist FIRST

The text discusses the consequences of discarding a narcissist before they have a chance to devalue and discard you. It explains the potential outcomes of this action, such as narcissistic injury or mortification, and the subsequent behaviors of the narcissist, including seeking revenge or finding a replacement. The text also delves into the narcissist's internal processes and their need to complete the stages of grief and mourning for the disrupted shared fantasy.


Narcissist: Re-Parent Yourself!

Narcissists can modify their behavior through a functional approach that involves self-acceptance, self-punishment, and self-reward. The process involves making a list of behaviors that are counterproductive and those that are constructive, suppressing the former, and promoting the latter. Narcissists should learn to trust their instincts, apply a set of immutable rules, and monitor themselves incessantly. The ultimate goal is to become one's own parent and re-parent oneself.


Discontinuous Narcissist: Fractured and Broken

The narcissist is a product of early abuse and trauma, leading to a world of unpredictability and arbitrary behavior. They deny their true self and nurture a false one, reinventing themselves as they see fit. The narcissist is adaptable, imitating and emulating others, and is best described as being and nothingness. Living with a narcissist is disorienting and problematic, as they have no past or future and occupy an eternal present. They do not keep agreements or adhere to laws and are inconsistent in their likes and dislikes.


Why Narcissist Can't Get You Out of His Mind? (Introject Constancy)

Narcissists use splitting as a defense mechanism, which involves seeing themselves as all good and others as all bad. They idealize their partner, but then need to discard them to separate from their original mother. To do this, they devalue their partner by taking the idealized snapshot of them and imbuing it with negative qualities. However, they cannot get rid of the internal object, causing them to devalue and discard their partner in reality. This is due to introject constancy, where the narcissist creates internal objects that are constant and reliable, unlike external objects.


Narcissist As Social Misfit

The text discusses the narcissist as a social misfit, focusing on their failure in social interactions, roles, and learning. It delves into the concept of narcissistic collapse and the impact of social learning theory on the narcissist's predicament. The text also touches on the narcissist's lack of empathy, social deficits, and their use of anchoring as a way to interact with others. Additionally, it explores the narcissist's inability to engage in social comparison and their focus on death and destruction.


Narcissist Between Shared Fantasy and Pathological Narcissistic Space

Narcissists appear unpredictable and complex, but they are actually simple, with the emotional age of a two-year-old. They are trapped between their need for a maternal figure in a shared fantasy and their desire to explore the world through a pathological narcissistic space. When they become disillusioned with either space, they transition between them using four strategies: termination, deception, undermining intimacy, and persecretory object fantasies. This constant movement between the two spaces creates the impression of unpredictability and capriciousness in the narcissist's behavior.


Deprogram the Narcissist in Your Mind

Narcissists play the role of a good enough mother, adopting a maternal role and idealizing their victims. They regress their victims to infancy, merging and fusing with them, eliminating their individuality and appropriating their individuality. The narcissist creates an introject, an internal representation of the victim, which is muted and spews out words attributed to the introject by the narcissist. The victim has an introject of the narcissist in their head, which is fully active and talks a lot, becoming a second, harsh, sadistic inner critic. The current advice to recognize and embrace victimhood is counterproductive, as it freezes the emergent roles allocated by the narcissist, and the locus of control remains in the narcissist's hands. Victims need to extricate


Why Narcissists Love Borderline Women and Why They Hate Them Back

Narcissistic mortification is a challenge to the false self, which crumbles and is unable to maintain defenses and pretensions. Narcissists use two strategies to restore some cohesiveness to the self: deflated and inflated narcissist. Narcissists engage in mortification, a form of self-mutilation, to feel alive and free from commitment to their false self. Narcissists seek out borderline women to mortify them and experience the unresolved primary conflict with their mother.


When Narcissist Is Rejected By Peers

The text discusses the etiology of pathological narcissism, focusing on the impact of peer rejection on children who are already facing challenges such as autism, obesity, or gender dysphoria. It explains how peer rejection triggers cognitive dissonance and leads to the development of narcissistic defenses, such as fantasy, dissociation, and displaced passive aggression. The author also delves into the impact of conflicting parental messaging and the role of intimate partners in the narcissist's life. Ultimately, the text highlights the inner battle within the narcissist's soul and the crisis they face when they have to shed their perceived divinity.


Signs Narcissist About to Discard, Devalue You

In a narcissist's mind, the sequence of idealization, discard, and devaluation is reversed compared to their behavior in reality. They idealize their partner, then emotionally discard them in their mind, and finally devalue them to justify the discard. However, in reality, they must devalue their partner before discarding them to keep them around for the devaluation process. This discrepancy occurs because the narcissist needs their partner to be present during the devaluation phase, which wouldn't be possible if they discarded them immediately after idealization.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy