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Abuse By Proxy

Uploaded 5/19/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers, in other words, third parties, to do his bidding.

The abuser uses them to control, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, seduce, harass, communicate, or otherwise manipulate his target.

The abuser controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey.

In both cases, he employs the same mechanisms and the same devices.

And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

One form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted on third, another person.

Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation are meant to provoke social sanctions, condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment against the victim.

Society, or social group in this case, become the instruments of the abuser against the victim.

Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them.

These sometimes unwitting accomplices belong to three groups.

The first group is the abuser's social milieu.

Some offenders, mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies, co-opt family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct.

In extreme cases, the victim is held hostage, isolated, and with little or no access to funds or transportation.

Often the couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage in such a dispute.

Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, or village, or neighbourhood is rampant.

The second group of unwitting or unwitting accomplices is the victim's social milieu.

Even the victim's relatives, his family members, his friends, his colleagues, they are all amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian acting skills.

The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interpreces events to his favor.

Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first-hand and at close quarters so as to discern between abuser and victim.

In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They are harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties, it is easy to reach the wrong conclusion that the real victim is the abuser.

Or another conclusion that both parties are abusing each other similarly and equally.

The praise acts of self-defence, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

Thus we come to the third group of accomplices and collaborators, aiders and abettors, the system.

The abuser perverts the system. Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, judges, they all end up upholding the abuser's version and helping him in further abusing his victims.

The abuser uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance, notably from her children and then from her family and then from her friends and colleagues.

Forms of abuse by proxy include socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors, a smear campaign.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by having others threaten her or her loved ones, colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But by far the victim's children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.

There is a video in this channel dedicated to how the abuser leverages the children in his dispute with his victims. Be sure to watch it.

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Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, or gaslighting, is a subtle and pervasive form of maltreatment that often goes unnoticed by the victim until significant damage has been done. It creates an atmosphere of fear and instability, eroding the victim's self-worth and self-esteem while reversing roles so that the abuser appears as the victim. The abuser employs various tactics, including inducing disorientation, incapacitating the victim, creating shared psychosis, misusing information, and controlling through proxies, to manipulate and dominate the victim. Ultimately, this insidious form of abuse leads to the victim's isolation and dependence, making it one of the most dangerous types of abuse.


Abusive Ex Leverages Children Against You

Abusive ex-partners often use their children to manipulate and control their former partners. They may co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct, using them as bargaining chips or leverage. The abuser may emotionally blackmail the children, threatening to withhold love and affection if they do not comply with their demands. The abuser may also pervert the system, using therapies, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and even judges to pathologize the victim and separate them from their sources of emotional sustenance.


Bullying as Art, Abuse as Craftsmanship

Abuse is about control and is often a primitive and immature reaction to life's circumstances. The abuser's primary colors include unpredictability, disproportionality of reaction, dehumanization, objectification, and abuse by proxy. The abuser engineers situations in which he is solely needed and generates his own indispensability in the victim's life. The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation, which erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.


The Abuser's Mind

Abusers suffer from dissociation, a mild form of multiple personality, and often have a dichotomy between their behavior at home and in public. They view their victims as two-dimensional representations, devoid of emotions and needs, and convert them into their own worldview. Abusers are often narcissists with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, and abuse is bred by fear of being mocked or betrayed. There are various forms of manipulation that constitute verbal and emotional abuse, including withholding, countering, discounting, blocking, blaming, and accusing.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers exhibit distinct body language that conveys superiority and entitlement, often maintaining a haughty posture while demanding special treatment and privileges. They oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others, displaying exaggerated admiration or hostility based on their perceived status. Abusers are characterized by a self-centered narrative, frequently using language that emphasizes their own achievements while showing little interest in others. Their serious demeanor and lack of empathy allow them to manipulate social interactions, often masking their dysfunction and abusive behavior from the outside world.


Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Good people often overlook abuse and neglect because it is difficult to tell the abuser and victim apart. The word abuse is ill-defined and open to interpretation, leading to a lack of clear definition. People also tend to avoid unpleasant situations and institutions that deal with anomalies, pain, death, and illness. Abuse is a coping strategy employed by the abuser to reassert control over their life and regain self-confidence. Abuse is a catharsis, and even good people channel their negative emotions onto the victim.


Abuse Victim as Hostage: Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding

Abusive relationships require two people to sustain, and the abuser and the abused form a bond and dependence. Society often refuses to tackle this phenomenon, and people, mostly women, remain in abusive households for various reasons. The abuser treats their spouse as an object, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs, preferences, wishes, and priorities. The abuser exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological make-up of their victim, and abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies.


Deja-vu: Fight Back Gaslighting, Messing with YOUR Mind

Gaslighting is a manipulative form of communication where a power differential exists, often involving invalidation of emotions, twisting reality, and coercion. It can lead to lower self-worth, feelings of insecurity, depression, and anxiety. To combat gaslighting, it is important to recognize the situation, document events and feelings, assert oneself, seek support from others, and consult a professional if necessary. Gaslighting is a dangerous form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on mental health.


The Shock of Abuse

Abusers typically mistreat only those closest to them, maintaining a facade of normalcy to the outside world, which often leads to shock when their abusive behavior is revealed. Research indicates that many victims of intimate partner violence are unaware of the true danger they face, even after experiencing prior abuse, due to a combination of secrecy and cognitive dissonance. Victims often rationalize the abuser's behavior, attributing it to external factors or their own shortcomings, which perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Risk factors for severe violence include escalating abuse, substance use, and threats, but subtle forms of maltreatment, termed "ambient abuse," can also pose significant dangers that may go unrecognized until it is too late.


Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

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