Bullying as Art, Abuse as Craftsmanship

Uploaded 4/1/2012, approx. 7 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I am the author of Cold Therapy, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

As I co-passed palette, there are several primary colors. There is, of course, overt abuse. This is the open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring, silent treatment, devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse. All these are forms of overt, open abuse.

But there is, of course, covert abuse, controlling abuse. Abuse generally is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life's circumstances, in which the abuser, usually in his childhood, was rendered helpless.

Abuse is about re-exerting and re-asserting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mustering the environment, human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control.

Many abusers are hypochondriacs, difficult patients, because they are afraid to lose control over the body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable.

They stalk people and embarrass them as means of being in touch, another form of control.

To their abuser, nothing exists outside itself. Meaningful others are mere extensions, internal assimilated objects, not external ones.

So losing control over a significant other is equivalent to losing control over a limb, over one's brain. It's terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the center of the world or its cause, primary and that he cannot control what to him are his mere internal representations.

So he sees people as internal objects, as part of himself, and then when he cannot control them, he feels that he is losing self-control.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane, because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind.

Being unable to manipulate him literally means losing his mind.

Imagine if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts. It's nightmarish. That's how the abuser feels most of the time.

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or reassert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive strategies and mechanisms.

And here is a partial list of what I call his primary colors.

Start with intermittent reinforcements, unpredictability and uncertainty, ups and downs of adrenaline.

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently, arbitrarily and irrationally.

And this serves to render other people dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, his next outburst, denial, smile, temper tantrum.

The abuser makes sure that he is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and nearest by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behavior.

He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives by destabilizing their own lives. He does that mainly by using disproportional reactions.

One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reaction.

He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offense against him no matter how minor. Or he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerably expressed. Or he would act inordinately attentive, charming, attempting, even oversexed, if need be.

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties, these constant changes in the rules of the game that the victim thinks he is playing.

All these are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. They are kept off-balance, neediness and dependence on the source of justice, needed, judgment passed, or the abuser this way guaranteed.

But the abuser doesn't treat his victims as full-fledged human beings. He dehumanizes them. He objectifies them.

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others.

By dehumanizing and objectifying people, the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction.

This is the alien aspect of abusers. They may be excellent limitations of fully formed adults, but they are emotionally absent and immature, almost as infants.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric that people recoil in terror. It is then when they take a step back, when they are horrified, with their defenses absolutely down, it is then that they are at the most susceptible and vulnerable point.

The abuser's control is at its maximum exactly when the victim's psychological state is at its worst.

Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification, treating other people as objects.

Abusers abuse information. From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He spies. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim, the better able he is, the abuser, to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort, or convert the victim to the cause.

The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information that he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he had obtained it.

This is a powerful tool in his armory in an important color in his palette as an artist of pain. The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented or highly specific situations in which he is solely needed.

The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he himself had wrought.

The abuser generates his own indispensability in the victim's life. If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers, in short third parties to do his bidding.

This is called control and abuse by proxy. He uses these people to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, seduce, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target.

He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices and he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person.

Such carefully orchestrated and crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions, condemnation, probably even physical punishment against the victim.

Society or a social group become the instruments of the abuser against his prey.

And then there is of course the famous guest lighting and the interviews. This is the fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation.

There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse. There are no wounds, marks on the body, something that can be used as evidence in a court of law. There are not manipulative settings of control. There is nothing bigger.

Yet the person feeling remains, kind of a disagreeable forebody, premonition, bad omen, an ill atmosphere, an ill atmosphere in the asthma.

And this is what is sometimes called guest lighting. In the long term, such a sick environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken, bending.

Often the victim adopts their paranoid or schizoid state and thus renders herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment by society.

The roles are thus reversed. The victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser a suffering soul.

What did I tell you?

Psychopaths are artists. Artists of pain.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.

Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, also known as gaslighting, is a subtle and insidious form of abuse that is difficult to identify. It is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation. There are five categories of ambient abuse: inducing disorientation, incapacitating, shared psychosis, abuse or misuse of information, and control by proxy. The abuser uses these tactics to manipulate and control their victim, often leaving them with low self-esteem and a sense of isolation.

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Good people often overlook abuse and neglect because it is difficult to tell the abuser and victim apart. The word abuse is ill-defined and open to interpretation, leading to a lack of clear definition. People also tend to avoid unpleasant situations and institutions that deal with anomalies, pain, death, and illness. Abuse is a coping strategy employed by the abuser to reassert control over their life and regain self-confidence. Abuse is a catharsis, and even good people channel their negative emotions onto the victim.

Deja-vu: Fight Back Gaslighting, Messing with YOUR Mind

Gaslighting is a manipulative form of communication where a power differential exists, often involving invalidation of emotions, twisting reality, and coercion. It can lead to lower self-worth, feelings of insecurity, depression, and anxiety. To combat gaslighting, it is important to recognize the situation, document events and feelings, assert oneself, seek support from others, and consult a professional if necessary. Gaslighting is a dangerous form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on mental health.

The Abuser's Mind

Abusers suffer from dissociation, a mild form of multiple personality, and often have a dichotomy between their behavior at home and in public. They view their victims as two-dimensional representations, devoid of emotions and needs, and convert them into their own worldview. Abusers are often narcissists with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, and abuse is bred by fear of being mocked or betrayed. There are various forms of manipulation that constitute verbal and emotional abuse, including withholding, countering, discounting, blocking, blaming, and accusing.

Abuse Victim as Hostage: Stockholm Syndrome and Trauma Bonding

Abusive relationships require two people to sustain, and the abuser and the abused form a bond and dependence. Society often refuses to tackle this phenomenon, and people, mostly women, remain in abusive households for various reasons. The abuser treats their spouse as an object, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs, preferences, wishes, and priorities. The abuser exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological make-up of their victim, and abusive behavior often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies.

Intimacy and Abuse

Abuse often occurs in intimate relationships, despite it being easier to abuse a stranger. Abusers often believe that their abusive behavior fosters intimacy and equate violence with enhanced intimacy. Many abusers were raised in environments where abuse was condoned, and they perceive intimacy as a license to abuse. Abusers are often scared of real intimacy and use abuse as a way to fend it off.

The Four Mantras of Victims of Abuse

Victims of abusive relationships often stay in them due to negative automatic thoughts that they have adopted from their abuser. These thoughts include "I am lucky to be with my abuser," "life doesn't get much better than this," "my partner is not worse than others," and "life is a serious business." These thoughts are more common in non-Western societies, where the pursuit of happiness is considered selfish and risky, and the family is centered around procreation and property. Women in these societies often tolerate abuse and domestic violence and act meek and subservient to accommodate their bullying husbands.

Abuse Victims Fear Holidays, Birthdays

Holidays can be a nightmare for victims of family violence and abuse, especially when the offender has narcissistic or antisocial psychopathic personality disorders. Holidays provoke a particularly virulent strain of pathological envy in abusers with these disorders. The narcissistic and psychopathic abuser feels deprived and wants to spoil the party for everyone else. It is important to set boundaries and punish misbehavior and maltreatment.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy