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Abusive Ex Leverages Children Against You

Uploaded 8/19/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Your abusive ex often recruits your common children to do his bidding against you. He uses the children to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, you, the children's other parents or some devoted relatives, such as their grandparents.

The abuser controls his often gullible and unsuspecting offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey, you. He employs the same mechanisms and the very same devices, and he dumps his props, his children, unceremoniously when the job is done.

This kind of devaluing and discarding causes tremendous and typically irreversible emotional hurt and trauma in the children.

So how does your abusive ex, how does your ex-husband use the children against you?

Well, first there is co-opting.

Some offenders, mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies, co-operate to their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim, you, to criticize and disagree with you, to withhold their love and affection, and to inflict on you various forms of ambient abuse.

In another article I wrote, even the victim's children are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian acting skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them in his favor.

The victims, you, are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You are harassed, you are unkempt, you are irritable, you are impatient, you are abrasive and sometimes extreme conditions may be hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled and suave abuser and his hurried casualties, you, it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser or that both parties, the abusive ex and you, abuse each other equally.

The co-opting acts of self-defense, assertiveness and her insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, liability or even a mental health problem.

This attitude, this reversal of roles where the abuser is the victim and the victim the abuser, this goes especially well with young and therefore vulnerable children and particularly if they are with the abuser.

They are frequently emotionally blackmailed by the abuser. The abuser may say if you want daddy to love you, do this to mommy or refrain from doing that with mommy.

The children lack life experience and other defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the abuser economically and they always resent the victim, they always resent the abused you for breaking up the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs.

If you have to work for a living, they hate you for being absent and for cheating on your ex with a new boyfriend or husband.

The abuser also coops the system. He perverts the system, therapies, marriage counselors, mediators, court appointed guardians, police officers and even judges succumb to his charm.

The abuser uses them to pathologize you, to separate you from your sources of emotional sustenance, notably from your children.

The abuser seeks custody to pain you, to punish you, not because he cares about the children or really wants to raise them.

Abusers often threaten. They are insatiable, vindictive. They always feel deprived and unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid, sadistic. If they fail to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent, you, they begin to treat the kids as enemies.

They are not about threatening the children, abducting them, abusing them sexually, physically or psychologically, or even outright harming them. All this in order to get back at you, the erstwhile partner, in order to make you do something they want you to do.

Most victims commit a mistake. They attempt to present to their children a balanced picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse.

In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious and controversial parental alienation syndrome, the victims do not besmirch the abusive parent. On the contrary, they encourage the semblance of a normal functional liaison.

This is the wrong approach. Not only is this approach counterproductive, it sometimes may prove outright dangerous.

More on this in my video titled, Tell Your Children the Truth.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Abuse By Proxy

Abusers often manipulate third parties, such as friends, family, and authorities, to exert control over their victims, using these individuals as unwitting accomplices in their abusive tactics. They create scenarios that provoke social condemnation against the victim, effectively turning society into a tool for their abuse. Victims are frequently portrayed negatively due to the abuser's charm and manipulation, leading others to misinterpret the dynamics of the relationship. Additionally, the abuser can exploit systemic structures, such as therapists and legal authorities, to further isolate and discredit the victim, often using children as leverage in the process.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers exhibit distinct body language that conveys superiority and entitlement, often maintaining a haughty posture while demanding special treatment and privileges. They oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others, displaying exaggerated admiration or hostility based on their perceived status. Abusers are characterized by a self-centered narrative, frequently using language that emphasizes their own achievements while showing little interest in others. Their serious demeanor and lack of empathy allow them to manipulate social interactions, often masking their dysfunction and abusive behavior from the outside world.


Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, or gaslighting, is a subtle and pervasive form of maltreatment that often goes unnoticed by the victim until significant damage has been done. It creates an atmosphere of fear and instability, eroding the victim's self-worth and self-esteem while reversing roles so that the abuser appears as the victim. The abuser employs various tactics, including inducing disorientation, incapacitating the victim, creating shared psychosis, misusing information, and controlling through proxies, to manipulate and dominate the victim. Ultimately, this insidious form of abuse leads to the victim's isolation and dependence, making it one of the most dangerous types of abuse.


Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Good people often overlook abuse and neglect because it is difficult to tell the abuser and victim apart. The word abuse is ill-defined and open to interpretation, leading to a lack of clear definition. People also tend to avoid unpleasant situations and institutions that deal with anomalies, pain, death, and illness. Abuse is a coping strategy employed by the abuser to reassert control over their life and regain self-confidence. Abuse is a catharsis, and even good people channel their negative emotions onto the victim.


The Abuser's Mind

Abusers suffer from dissociation, a mild form of multiple personality, and often have a dichotomy between their behavior at home and in public. They view their victims as two-dimensional representations, devoid of emotions and needs, and convert them into their own worldview. Abusers are often narcissists with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, and abuse is bred by fear of being mocked or betrayed. There are various forms of manipulation that constitute verbal and emotional abuse, including withholding, countering, discounting, blocking, blaming, and accusing.


Deja-vu: Fight Back Gaslighting, Messing with YOUR Mind

Gaslighting is a manipulative form of communication where a power differential exists, often involving invalidation of emotions, twisting reality, and coercion. It can lead to lower self-worth, feelings of insecurity, depression, and anxiety. To combat gaslighting, it is important to recognize the situation, document events and feelings, assert oneself, seek support from others, and consult a professional if necessary. Gaslighting is a dangerous form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on mental health.


Bullying as Art, Abuse as Craftsmanship

Abuse is about control and is often a primitive and immature reaction to life's circumstances. The abuser's primary colors include unpredictability, disproportionality of reaction, dehumanization, objectification, and abuse by proxy. The abuser engineers situations in which he is solely needed and generates his own indispensability in the victim's life. The abuser fosters an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation, which erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.


Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.


Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!

Mentally ill people often emotionally blackmail others into becoming their rescuers, and once they have, they want to infect them with their illness. This is because they want to share their pain and feel accepted. However, mentally ill people do not want to be helped, and they have strong resistances and defenses against healing. Therefore, it is important to harden your heart and walk away from mentally ill people to save yourself.


Caught in a Drama Triangle or Real Victim?

The Karpman drama triangle illustrates a destructive model of human interaction involving three roles: the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer, where each participant plays a part that perpetuates conflict and dysfunction. Victims often seek out persecutors and rescuers to maintain their identity and avoid personal responsibility, while rescuers derive a sense of purpose from enabling victimhood, ultimately hindering the victim's growth and healing. The dynamics of the triangle can shift, with individuals easily transitioning between roles, leading to a cycle of learned helplessness and mental health issues. To break free from this cycle, individuals must recognize their roles, take personal responsibility, and learn to empower themselves rather than remain trapped in victimhood.

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