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Abusive Ex: Tell Your Children the Truth!

Uploaded 8/19/2010, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Most victims of abuse commit a serious error. They attempt to present to their children a balanced picture of their relationship and of the abusive ex-spouse.

In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious and controversial parental alienation syndrome, these victims do not besmirch the abusive parent, and on the contrary, they encourage a semblance of a normal, functional liaison.

This is absolutely the wrong approach. It is not only counterproductive, it sometimes proves outright dangerous.

Children have a right to know the overall state of affairs between their parents. They have a right not to be cheated, and not to be deluded into thinking that everything is basically okay, or that the separation is reversible. Both parents are under a moral obligation to tell their offspring the truth. Their relationship is over for good, and there is a guilty party.

Younger kids tend to believe that they are somehow responsible or guilty for the breakdown of the marriage. They must be disabused of this notion. Both parents would do best to explain to them, in straightforward terms, what led to the dissolution of the bond.

If spousal abuse is wholly or partly to blame, it should be brought out to the open and discussed honestly with the children. In such conversations it is best not to allocate blame.

But this does not mean that wrong behaviors should be condoned or whitewashed. The victimized parent should tell the child that abusive conduct is wrong and must be avoided. The child should be taught how to identify warning signs of impending abuse, sexual, verbal, psychological and physical.

Moreover, a responsible parent should teach the child how to resist inappropriate and hurtful actions. The child should be brought up to insist on being respected by the other parent, on having him or her observe the child's boundaries and accept the child's needs and emotions, choices and preferences. The child should learn, in other words, to say no and to walk away from potentially compromising situations with the abusive parent.

The child should be brought up not to feel guilty for protecting himself or herself and for demanding his or her rights.

Remember, an abusive parent is dangerous to the child.

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Abuse By Proxy

Abusers often use third parties to control, coerce, threaten, stalk, tempt, seduce, harass, communicate, or manipulate their targets. They use the same mechanisms and devices to control these unaware instruments as they plan to control their ultimate prey. The abuser perverts the system, and therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges end up upholding the abuser's version and helping him further abuse his victims. The victim's children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.


Abusive Ex Leverages Children Against You

Abusive ex-partners often use their children to manipulate and control their former partners. They may co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct, using them as bargaining chips or leverage. The abuser may emotionally blackmail the children, threatening to withhold love and affection if they do not comply with their demands. The abuser may also pervert the system, using therapies, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and even judges to pathologize the victim and separate them from their sources of emotional sustenance.


Victim! System is Against You? Tips and Advice

The system is stacked against abuse victims, who are often re-abused by law enforcement officers, judges, guardians, evaluators, and therapists. Therapists are conditioned to respond favorably to specific verbal cues and behaviors, and the paradigm is that abuse is rarely one-sided. Victims are often labeled uncooperative, resistant, and even abusers if they refuse to participate in a treatment plan or communicate with their abuser. To navigate the system, victims should adopt the slick mannerisms of their abuser, use key phrases, attend every session, participate in a long-term treatment plan, and emphasize the welfare and well-being of their children.


Abuse: Inevitable and Normal?

Abuse is a phenomenon that can be explained by three theories: emergent, hardwired, and as a strategy. The first theory suggests that abuse is learned and acquired behavior that is embedded in social and cultural contexts. The second theory suggests that abuse is a universal phenomenon that is hereditary and associated with mental illness. The third theory suggests that abuse is an adaptive and functional behavior that is used to control and manipulate victims. Understanding the roots of abuse can help society cope with its perpetrators.


Abuse Victim's Body: Effects of Abuse and Its Aftermath

Abuse and torture have long-lasting and frequently irreversible effects on the victim's body, including panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks, intrusive memories, and suicidal ideation. Victims experience psychosomatic or real bodily symptoms, some of them induced by the secretion of stress hormones, such as cortisol. Victims are affected by abuse in a variety of ways, including PTSD, which can develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse, in the aftermath of drawn-out traumatic situations such as domestic divorce.


Gaslighting and Ambient Abuse

Ambient abuse, also known as gaslighting, is a subtle and insidious form of abuse that is difficult to identify. It is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation. There are five categories of ambient abuse: inducing disorientation, incapacitating, shared psychosis, abuse or misuse of information, and control by proxy. The abuser uses these tactics to manipulate and control their victim, often leaving them with low self-esteem and a sense of isolation.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.


When Your Pain Traumatizes Others: Vicarious (Secondary) Trauma

Vicarious trauma is a significant psychological phenomenon affecting mental health practitioners who work with traumatized clients, leading to symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder. It arises from the emotional residue of exposure to others' trauma, causing therapists to experience distress, flashbacks, and a breakdown in their worldview. Unlike burnout, which can be alleviated through changes in work conditions, vicarious trauma requires professional help to address and heal. The increasing prevalence of trauma in society amplifies the risk of vicarious trauma, making it essential for practitioners to develop coping strategies and seek support when needed.


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in Victims and Survivors of Abuse

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults. However, PTSD can also develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse, providing it is acute and prolonged, and in the aftermath of drawn-out traumatic situations such as a nasty divorce. The diagnostic and statistical manual criteria for diagnosing PTSD are far too restrictive, and hopefully, the text will be adopted to reflect this. PTSD can take a long time to appear and lasts more than one month, usually much longer.


Good People Ignore Abuse and Torture: Why?

Good people often overlook abuse and neglect because it is difficult to tell the abuser and victim apart. The word abuse is ill-defined and open to interpretation, leading to a lack of clear definition. People also tend to avoid unpleasant situations and institutions that deal with anomalies, pain, death, and illness. Abuse is a coping strategy employed by the abuser to reassert control over their life and regain self-confidence. Abuse is a catharsis, and even good people channel their negative emotions onto the victim.

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