Background

Abusive Ex: Tell Your Children the Truth!

Uploaded 8/19/2010, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Most victims of abuse commit a serious error. They attempt to present to their children a balanced picture of their relationship and of the abusive ex-spouse.

In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious and controversial parental alienation syndrome, these victims do not besmirch the abusive parent, and on the contrary, they encourage a semblance of a normal, functional liaison.

This is absolutely the wrong approach. It is not only counterproductive, it sometimes proves outright dangerous.

Children have a right to know the overall state of affairs between their parents. They have a right not to be cheated, and not to be deluded into thinking that everything is basically okay, or that the separation is reversible. Both parents are under a moral obligation to tell their offspring the truth. Their relationship is over for good, and there is a guilty party.

Younger kids tend to believe that they are somehow responsible or guilty for the breakdown of the marriage. They must be disabused of this notion. Both parents would do best to explain to them, in straightforward terms, what led to the dissolution of the bond.

If spousal abuse is wholly or partly to blame, it should be brought out to the open and discussed honestly with the children. In such conversations it is best not to allocate blame.

But this does not mean that wrong behaviors should be condoned or whitewashed. The victimized parent should tell the child that abusive conduct is wrong and must be avoided. The child should be taught how to identify warning signs of impending abuse, sexual, verbal, psychological and physical.

Moreover, a responsible parent should teach the child how to resist inappropriate and hurtful actions. The child should be brought up to insist on being respected by the other parent, on having him or her observe the child's boundaries and accept the child's needs and emotions, choices and preferences. The child should learn, in other words, to say no and to walk away from potentially compromising situations with the abusive parent.

The child should be brought up not to feel guilty for protecting himself or herself and for demanding his or her rights.

Remember, an abusive parent is dangerous to the child.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!

Mentally ill people often emotionally blackmail others into becoming their rescuers, and once they have, they want to infect them with their illness. This is because they want to share their pain and feel accepted. However, mentally ill people do not want to be helped, and they have strong resistances and defenses against healing. Therefore, it is important to harden your heart and walk away from mentally ill people to save yourself.


Contract with Your Abuser - Part II

Negotiating with an abuser requires a careful approach that avoids direct confrontation and power struggles, as this can provoke rage and deepen their delusions. It is essential to cater to the abuser's emotional needs and establish a sense of control for them while gradually introducing the idea of therapy and mutual respect. Encouraging the abuser to take responsibility for positive aspects of their life and to identify their emotions can help in reducing their aggression and defensiveness. Ultimately, the effectiveness of therapy in changing an abuser's behavior remains uncertain, and further exploration of treatment success rates is necessary.


Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Personal boundaries are essential to protect oneself from abusive behavior. It is important to set boundaries clearly and communicate them to others, including the consequences of violating them. It is crucial to enforce boundaries consistently and involve law enforcement or friends and colleagues if necessary. One should be vigilant, doubting, and not gullible, and expose the abuser to their collaborators.


Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Abuse is a complex phenomenon, and it is difficult to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. Attempts to broach the subject of the abuser's mental health problems frequently end in fights or worse. The delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on coexistence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in relationships. Personal boundaries are not negotiable, and the abuser should have no say in setting boundaries or upholding them.


SECRECY is the Abuser's WEAPON, Exposure Disinfects Abuse (EXCERPT with Brad Carr)

Secrecy empowers abusers, creating a fantasy that traps victims in shame and guilt, making them feel like betrayers if they seek to escape. Breaking this silence is crucial for liberation, as it exposes the abuse and disrupts the abuser's control, leading to potential behavior modification. However, individuals often resist leaving the fantasy due to its addictive nature, which provides solace from an unbearable reality, making it difficult for them to accept help or change. Ultimately, healing requires focusing on oneself, reconstructing identity, and recognizing the need to prioritize personal recovery over attempting to save others still trapped in the cycle.


Borderline Codependent: Clinging Child, Punitive Parent

Codependency in parents can lead to children who only receive conditional love based on their performance. This can result in a child who is objectified and treated as an extension of the parent. The child learns that to obtain affection, they must perform, leading to a lack of self-love. This can result in a psychopath, passive-aggressive personality disorder, masochistic adult, or an adult with depressive disorders. Codependents often experience extreme abandonment anxiety and swing between self-effacing and explosive behaviors due to divided loyalties between their partner and internalized parent.


Victimized by Your Own Kin? Family Mobbing the Scapegoat

When families become sources of conflict and emotional harm, they can threaten an individual's mental health and sense of belonging. There are two types of family mobbing: insidious, which is subtle and difficult to detect, and overt, which involves clear abuse and dysfunction. In such families, a facade of harmony or disharmony masks deeper issues, with one member often scapegoated to deflect attention from the family's problems. This dynamic leads to a culture of control, repression, and denial, resulting in long-term psychological damage for the scapegoat and perpetuating cycles of dysfunction in future relationships.


Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.


Caught in a Drama Triangle or Real Victim?

The Karpman drama triangle illustrates a destructive model of human interaction involving three roles: the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer, where each participant plays a part that perpetuates conflict and dysfunction. Victims often seek out persecutors and rescuers to maintain their identity and avoid personal responsibility, while rescuers derive a sense of purpose from enabling victimhood, ultimately hindering the victim's growth and healing. The dynamics of the triangle can shift, with individuals easily transitioning between roles, leading to a cycle of learned helplessness and mental health issues. To break free from this cycle, individuals must recognize their roles, take personal responsibility, and learn to empower themselves rather than remain trapped in victimhood.


Victim! System is Against You? Tips and Advice

The system is stacked against abuse victims, who are often re-abused by law enforcement officers, judges, guardians, evaluators, and therapists. Therapists are conditioned to respond favorably to specific verbal cues and behaviors, and the paradigm is that abuse is rarely one-sided. Victims are often labeled uncooperative, resistant, and even abusers if they refuse to participate in a treatment plan or communicate with their abuser. To navigate the system, victims should adopt the slick mannerisms of their abuser, use key phrases, attend every session, participate in a long-term treatment plan, and emphasize the welfare and well-being of their children.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy