Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Uploaded 6/7/2014, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Personal boundaries are rules of conduct, the sand, any infringement and breach of which you deem unacceptable behavior.

You need to set your personal boundaries clearly, unequivocally and unambiguously.

Firstly, to yourself, how to protect your dignity, safeguard your privacy, guarantee your freedom and maintain your priorities.

You then need to communicate your boundaries to your partner, replete with the price list, the costs associated with ignoring or violating your boundaries.

Finally, you need to be firm and enforce your boundaries. Your credibility depends on a consistent and fair application of these rules of engagement.

Examples of a few boundaries, refuse to accept abusive behavior, demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions, insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities, demand a just and proportional treatment, reject or ignore unjust, arbitrary and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies, they are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or extortion of any guy, even implied.

When things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or outright threaten him legally. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression, full power, full mind, on the first offense.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence. Be yourself. Do not misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not lie about who you are, essentially. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm, be resolute, be fair.

Stay away from such quagmars. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how we lock yours.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant. Be doubting. Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their roles, people that he uses in order to abuse you, third parties.

Expose him to his collaborators. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used by the abuser himself. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve other people. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse. I will say it again and again.

Your boundaries are your protection. Bridge them and you put yourself in danger.

Emotional, financial, sometimes physical and legal. Good luck.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Abuse is a complex phenomenon, and it is difficult to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. Attempts to broach the subject of the abuser's mental health problems frequently end in fights or worse. The delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on coexistence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in relationships. Personal boundaries are not negotiable, and the abuser should have no say in setting boundaries or upholding them.

FIREWALL YOUR Relationships, Yourself: Boundaries vs. Borders

In relationships, borders are like membranes that allow in only selective types of communication and are policed by cultural and social mores. Borders are interpersonal and are forms of selectivity that regulate structure and introduce order into relationships. Boundaries are individual and are rules of conduct, red lines in the sand. Personal boundaries need to be communicated to people around you, including your intimate partner, and each boundary has to come with a cost, with a price tag. The ability to thrive in intimacy is inextricably linked to the capacity to maintain and enforce personal boundaries and negotiate and compromise interdichoic, intradiadic inside the couple, borders.

Over-sexed: Histrionic Personality Disorder and Narcissism

Histrionic personality disorder is more commonly diagnosed in women, leading to questions about whether it is a real mental health problem or a reflection of a patriarchal society. Histrionics crave attention and are uncomfortable when not at the center of it, similar to narcissists. They are preoccupied with physical appearance and sexual conquests, and often act flirtatious and seductive. Histrionics are enthusiastic and emotional, but their behavior can be exhausting and off-putting to others.

Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!

Mentally ill people often emotionally blackmail others into becoming their rescuers, and once they have, they want to infect them with their illness. This is because they want to share their pain and feel accepted. However, mentally ill people do not want to be helped, and they have strong resistances and defenses against healing. Therefore, it is important to harden your heart and walk away from mentally ill people to save yourself.

Stalked: Your Getaway - Planning and Executing It

Victims of abuse should prepare thoroughly before leaving their abuser, especially if the partner is violent and paranoid. The province of Alberta in Canada recommends copying all important documents and storing them in a safe place, making a safety plan, and taking essential items such as prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, and money. If fleeing with children, bring their various medications, favorite toy or blanket, and clothing. It is also important to secure transportation, agree on codes and signals with friends and family, and avoid confrontation over the departure.

DANGER: Paranoid Ex

To minimize the danger of a paranoid ex, it is important to put physical distance between yourself and them, change contact details, and not inform them of your whereabouts. It is also important to be prepared for violence and to alert law enforcement officers, check out domestic violence shelters, and consider owning a self-defense weapon. Paying attention to unusual patterns and events can help identify if a paranoid ex is monitoring you. It is important to teach children to avoid the ex and report any contact. Appeasing the ex is futile, and it is important to use the law to obtain restraining orders and ensure they spend time in jail.

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.

Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.

Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.

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