Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Uploaded 6/7/2014, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Personal boundaries are rules of conduct, the sand, any infringement and breach of which you deem unacceptable behavior.

You need to set your personal boundaries clearly, unequivocally and unambiguously.

Firstly, to yourself, how to protect your dignity, safeguard your privacy, guarantee your freedom and maintain your priorities.

You then need to communicate your boundaries to your partner, replete with the price list, the costs associated with ignoring or violating your boundaries.

Finally, you need to be firm and enforce your boundaries. Your credibility depends on a consistent and fair application of these rules of engagement.

Examples of a few boundaries, refuse to accept abusive behavior, demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions, insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities, demand a just and proportional treatment, reject or ignore unjust, arbitrary and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies, they are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or extortion of any guy, even implied.

When things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or outright threaten him legally. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression, full power, full mind, on the first offense.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence. Be yourself. Do not misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not lie about who you are, essentially. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm, be resolute, be fair.

Stay away from such quagmars. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how we lock yours.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant. Be doubting. Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their roles, people that he uses in order to abuse you, third parties.

Expose him to his collaborators. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used by the abuser himself. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve other people. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse. I will say it again and again.

Your boundaries are your protection. Bridge them and you put yourself in danger.

Emotional, financial, sometimes physical and legal. Good luck.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Abuse is a complex phenomenon, and it is difficult to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. Attempts to broach the subject of the abuser's mental health problems frequently end in fights or worse. The delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on coexistence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in relationships. Personal boundaries are not negotiable, and the abuser should have no say in setting boundaries or upholding them.

Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.

Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.

Psychopathic Bully and Stalker

Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals, yet the horrid consequences of stalking are often underestimated. Many criminals, and therefore many stalkers, suffer from personality disorders, most prevalently the antisocial personality disorder, formerly known as psychopathy. Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated, in instruments of gratification and utility. The best coping strategy is to convince the psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly.

Stalked: Get Help

Victims of abuse should seek help from family, friends, and colleagues. However, the legal system may not be effective in dealing with stalking and domestic violence. Victims should document the abuse and report it to the police and building security. They should also hire a security expert if the threat is credible or imminent and rely on professional advice from attorneys, accountants, private detectives, and therapists. Joining support groups and organizations for victims of abuse and stalking can also be validating and empowering.

Abuse By Proxy

Abusers often use third parties to control, coerce, threaten, stalk, tempt, seduce, harass, communicate, or manipulate their targets. They use the same mechanisms and devices to control these unaware instruments as they plan to control their ultimate prey. The abuser perverts the system, and therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges end up upholding the abuser's version and helping him further abuse his victims. The victim's children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.

Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.

Erotomanic Stalker

The erotomaniac stalker believes they are in love with their victim and will go to great lengths to prove their devotion, including making legal, financial, and emotional decisions for the victim without their consent. They ignore personal boundaries and intrude on privacy, and may even force themselves on the victim sexually. Coping strategies include ignoring the stalker, not responding to any communication, returning gifts, and avoiding any contact with the stalker. Any contact with the stalker is seen as a sign of love, so it is best to avoid them completely.

Stalked? Call Police and Law Enforcement!

The rule of thumb for dealing with an abusive partner is to involve the police and law enforcement authorities whenever possible. Physical assault, rape, stalking, marital rape, and cruelty to animals are all criminal offenses that should be reported to the police. Financial abuse is also a criminal offense, and the police must respond to complaints. The police officer on the scene must inform the victim of their legal options and rights, and the officer in charge must furnish them with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in their community.

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

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