Background

Adapting to the Narcissist

Uploaded 1/18/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

You cannot change the narcissist, not in the real, profound, deep and irreversible sense that change usually means with other people.

You can only adapt to the narcissist and adapt to the narcissist to yourself to some extent by modifying his more abrasive and grating behaviors.

If you do find your narcissist rewarding at times, you should consider doing the following.

One, determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to him?

In other words, how much and in which ways can you accept him as he is? And to which extent and in which ways would you like him to adapt to you? In other words, accept you as you are.

And then act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest.

Change in you what you are willing and able to change and ignore the rest.

Conclude an unwritten contract or even a written contract of coexistence.

Try to maximize the number of times that his walls are down, that you find him totally fascinating and everything you desire.

What makes him be and behave this way? When does he captivate you? Is it something that you say, something that you do? Is it preceded by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make him behave this way more often? Positive reinforcements, negative reinforcements, praise, criticism, withholding of narcissistic supply, the provision of narcissistic supply?

There are many ways to manipulate the narcissist and to condition him so that he repeats behaviors that you find not only acceptable, but also pleasant.

But remember, sometimes we mistake guilt and self-assume blame for love and committing suicide for someone else's sake is not love.

Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love. It is domination. It is co-dependence, it is counter-dependence, any number of things, but it is not love.

You control your narcissist by giving as much as he controls you via his pathology.

Your unconditional generosity sometimes prevents him from facing his true self and thus healing.

Think about withholding. If you really care about him, if you really want him to change.

It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the narcissist. It is of course possible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to you. This is a very important distinction.

You modify your behavior in order to secure the narcissist's continuing love, not in order to be abandoned, of course.

This is the root of the perniciousness of this phenomenon.

The narcissist is a meaningful, crucially significant figure in your life, but you are an insignificant other to him, an interchangeable part, a device, a function, a machine, an extension of himself.

This is a major asymmetry in the relationship. This is the narcissist's leverage over you.

Since you are usually very young, when you make the adaptation to the narcissist, it all boils down to fear of abandonment and of death, the absence of care, absence of sustenance.

But you should realize that you are getting none of this from the narcissist. At best, you are obtaining simulations of these things from him.

Your accommodation of the narcissist is as much a wish to gratify one's parent, or narcissistic parent, as it is the sheer terror of forever withholding gratification from one's self.

It's a very complex dynamic, and understanding it is crucial not only to the longevity of the relationship, but to your own survival as an intact, psychologically functioning person.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.


Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.


Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath

In summary, to effectively handle a narcissist in court during divorce and custody proceedings, it is crucial to remain calm, composed, and fact-based. Focus on exposing the narcissist's grandiosity and vulnerabilities by challenging their self-perception and accomplishments, while avoiding appearing vengeful or malicious. Provoke the narcissist indirectly by hinting at their shortcomings and mediocrity, ultimately leading them to lose control and expose their true nature. Maintain a holistic strategy that takes into account both the legal aspects and the narcissist's off-court life.


How To Love the Narcissist AND Keep Him?

In this video, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses two contradictory solutions to the question of how to love and keep a narcissist. The first solution is to emulate the narcissist's dead mother, which creates a reverse trauma bonding that keeps the narcissist coming back. The second solution is to conform to the snapshot of the narcissist's ideal partner and never deviate from it. However, Vaknin warns that being in a relationship with a narcissist is a form of self-harm and that the narcissist is an absence, chaos, and unadulterated anguish.


Expose Narcissist’s Secret Speech

Narcissists communicate using a dual-layered approach, where the overt message conceals a hidden, manipulative intent designed to trigger emotional responses in their targets. This hidden message often employs techniques such as counterfactuality, victimhood, projection, and gaslighting, which distort reality and shift blame onto others. Effective communication with narcissists requires ignoring the hidden messages and, if possible, involving intermediaries to prevent emotional manipulation. Ultimately, understanding the nature of narcissistic communication can help individuals protect themselves from the psychological harm inflicted by these interactions.


Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.


Narcissist in Court and Litigation

Narcissists are skilled at distorting reality and presenting plausible alternative scenarios, making it difficult to expose their lies in court. However, it is possible to break a narcissist by finding their weak spots and using them to inflict pain. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to any statement that contradicts their inflated perception of themselves or suggests they are not special. They feel entitled to be treated differently from others and cannot tolerate criticism or being told they are not as intelligent or successful as they think they are.


Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.


Tips: Can't Live without My Narcissist

Professor Sam Vaknin advises those in a relationship with a narcissist to count their losses and blessings and get away, but if they insist on staying, he offers advice. He suggests never disagreeing with the narcissist, never offering real intimacy, and admiring the narcissist for their achievements. He also advises being patient, emotionally and financially independent, and treating the narcissist like a spoiled brat. Finally, he suggests knowing oneself and developing strategies to minimize harm.


Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy