Background

Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Uploaded 4/8/2014, approx. 4 minute read
YouTube   Internet Archive  

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

My advice was very controversial. People insisted that a modicum of contact with a narcissist and psychopath is a good idea.

Today I am glad to say, no contact is the conventional wisdom and the orthodox advice and tip to victims of narcissism.

So what did I mean and what do I mean when I say no contact?

First of all, be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do not contravene the decisions of the system. Do not go against the courts.

Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings, but never ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and against your interests.

But with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath.

Do not respond to the narcissist's pleading romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages. Return to him all gifts that he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single or light but firm sentence that you are determined to not talk to him any longer.

Do not answer his letters or any other forms of communication. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies in the hospital for instance. Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you via third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him do not discuss your personal affairs or his. Do not go into the territory of intimacy. Do not go back to La La Land.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him when and where possible to professionals, to your lawyer, to your accountant.

Avoiding contact with your abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing.

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from everyone around you. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious and predictable behavior.

If confrontation, react in kind, let him taste some of his own medicine. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him.

Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends, colleagues, or even threaten him, legally of course, by a lawyer.

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse. Never give him a second chance. React with all your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Do not wait for the second one. Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence before you commit. Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not mislead. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word.

These kind of things create expectations that may end up very badly. Be firm. Be resolute, but be polite and civil.

The problem in interactions with abusers is a mismatch of expectations.

Stay away from such quipmars. Scrutinize every offer in suggestion, no matter how innocuous, and feel free to reject those which you find unacceptable.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others involved of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation at any moment. Be vigilant. Be doubting.

Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry.

Often the abusers' proxies are unaware of their role.

He sends people your way to spy on you, to harass you, to abuse you, to convince you, to flatter you, to cajole you. Expose him. Inform these people. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used, but the abusers show them that they are his unwilling and unwitting instruments. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.

Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

Remember that.

Good luck here.

Bottom
Back to topBottom

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Strategies: Conflictive Posture

The conflictive posture is a way to avoid conflict with a narcissist or psychopath by minimizing contact and insisting on boundaries. It involves demanding reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from the abuser and respecting one's own emotions, needs, wishes, and priorities. The abuser creates a shared psychosis with the victim, but it is important not to buy into it and to involve law enforcement or officials if necessary. It is also important to share the story with others and not make excuses for the abuser.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 3 minute read   YouTube  

Interacting with Your Abuser

Sam Vaknin advises those in abusive relationships to work with professionals such as lawyers, accountants, and therapists to extricate themselves from the situation. He suggests maintaining the minimum contact mandated by the courts and avoiding any gratuitous contact with the abuser. Vaknin also recommends exposing the abuser's needs and filling one's life with new hobbies, interests, and friends. Finally, he warns against discussing personal affairs with the abuser and disconnecting from third parties who may be spying on one's behalf.

Posted on 5/19/2011, 4 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Contract with Your Abuser - Part II

To negotiate with an abuser, it is best to co-opt their prejudices and pathology by catering to their infantile emotional needs and complying with their wishes, complex rules, and arbitrary rituals. It is useless to confront the abuser head-on to engage in power politics. To move the abuser to attend couple or marital therapy, tell them that you need their help to restore your relationship to its former warmth and intimacy. Gradually, try to free the rigid edges of your sex rules.

Posted on 4/6/2011, 5 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Personal boundaries are essential to protect oneself from abusive behavior. It is important to set boundaries clearly and communicate them to others, including the consequences of violating them. It is crucial to enforce boundaries consistently and involve law enforcement or friends and colleagues if necessary. One should be vigilant, doubting, and not gullible, and expose the abuser to their collaborators.

Posted on 6/7/2014, 2 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Tips: Can't Live without My Narcissist

Professor Sam Vaknin advises those in a relationship with a narcissist to count their losses and blessings and get away, but if they insist on staying, he offers advice. He suggests never disagreeing with the narcissist, never offering real intimacy, and admiring the narcissist for their achievements. He also advises being patient, emotionally and financially independent, and treating the narcissist like a spoiled brat. Finally, he suggests knowing oneself and developing strategies to minimize harm.

Posted on 6/1/2011, 5 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Overcome Narcissist Aftermath Your Grief Is Shared Fantasy, Too!

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the grieving process after narcissistic abuse, emphasizing that the grief is part of the shared fantasy and is not entirely real. He delves into the concept of fantasy, the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist, and the stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and hope. Vaknin provides guidance on navigating the grieving process, emphasizing self-compassion, seeking support, and allowing oneself to experience and process emotions. He also encourages grounding oneself in the present and finding a new beginning after the shared fantasy.

Posted on 6/7/2023, 56 minute read   Internet Archive  

Mourning Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the concept of prolonged grief disorder (PGD), previously known as complicated grief, which is characterized by an inability to move on from a loss. He explains that grief can become a central organizing principle in a person's life, leading to a constricted existence and an inability to enjoy life. Vaknin suggests that everyone experiences prolonged grief at some point, and it is considered pathological if it lasts longer than a year. He also delves into the relationship between narcissists and their victims, describing how narcissists can induce a state of prolonged grief in their victims by offering a simulation of unconditional love and then withdrawing it, leaving the victim feeling abandoned and mourning the loss of the relationship, which was never real to begin with. Vaknin emphasizes the importance of separating from the narcissist both physically and mentally to break the symbiotic relationship and begin the process of healing and individuation.

Posted on 3/15/2023, 1 hour 18 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Abuse is a complex phenomenon, and it is difficult to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. Attempts to broach the subject of the abuser's mental health problems frequently end in fights or worse. The delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on coexistence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in relationships. Personal boundaries are not negotiable, and the abuser should have no say in setting boundaries or upholding them.

Posted on 3/30/2011, 5 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Strategies: Submissive Posture

In this video, Professor Sam Vaknin provides advice on how to survive a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath. He explains that not all abusers suffer from a personality disorder, but abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon. Abusers react with disproportionate wrath and rage, so it is important never to openly and repeatedly disagree with them or contradict them. The abuser seeks to subjugate their victims and transform their personal space into the exact opposite of their real life. The only way to treat an abuser is not to treat them at all, to disengage, and go away.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 5 minute read   YouTube  

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Techniques

The video discusses techniques for coping with narcissistic and psychopathic abusers, including mirroring their behavior, frightening them, luring them, and threatening to abandon them. The most recommended technique is to refuse all contact with the abuser, except for the minimum mandated by the courts. The video also advises watching another video in the series that deals with warning signs and identifying marks to avoid abusive relationships. All techniques should be pursued legally and with caution, as they can backfire and provoke the abuser into violence and aggression.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 5 minute read   YouTube  

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy