If a dismissive avoidant narcissist were prone to confess, this is what it would sound like.
And before I proceed, no, there's no difference between male and female narcissists. This is an online canard propagated by self-styled experts and other online riffraff.
Narcissists, male and female, share the same meteorology, the same psychodynamic, the same psychology, and display the same behaviors, which is why the language in the diagnostic and statistical manual and in the international classification of diseases, the language is gender neutral. It's not political correctness. It's simply reality.
So if we were to catch a dismissive avoidant narcissist, a narcissist with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, what would she say to us?
This is what she would say.
I lure potential providers of at least two of the four S's.
And to remind you, the four S's are sex, supply, sadistic or narcissistic, services, and safety, presence.
So the dismissive avoidant narcissist lures potential providers, baits them. There's a process of baiting.
Okay, let's proceed. Confession of a dismissive, avoidant narcissist.
I lure potential providers of at least two of the four Ss by parading, by displaying, by exhibiting the wounded child or the victim and thus triggering their protective maternal reflexes as healers, saviors, rescuers and fixers and their sense of justice.
So the dismissive avoidant narcissist presents a facade of a wounded traumatized child in need of care, compassion, empathy and above all protection and help or a victim with a very same list of needs and this triggers in the potential providers, potential sources of supply, potential intimate partners, potential friends, it triggers in them maternal reflexes protective reflexes and all kinds of complexes, the dark side, a savior, rescuer, a healer, fixer complex, a messianic complex.
There's also an issue of justice. When we are confronted with injustice we wish to remedy and rectify the situation and it becomes a bit compulsive.
Okay, continue the confession of a dismissive avoidant narcissist.
When the providers seek to introduce emotions and intimacy into the equation, I recoil aggressively. I push them away. I encourage them to leave me be, to leave me alone, and to satisfy these needs with other people.
First of all, pay attention to the language. Providers. It's very impersonal, very transactional, non-emotional. The providers, an equation, not relationship, but equation. As if these were some kind of exercise in arithmetic or algebra.
And then when the other party were the potential source of supply or the intimate partner or the friend or when they try to introduce love other positive emotions, compassion, empathy, affection, intimacy into their relationship.
This creates, in the dismissive, avoidant narcissist, a recoil. A recoil.
And as she says, I recoil aggressively. I push them away. I encourage them to leave me be and to satisfy their needs with other people.
It's very interesting because it seems as if there's no possessiveness here. There's no jealousy. There's a distinct, prominent preference for profound aloneness. It's a schizoid position.
I want to be alone. Leave me alone. Let me be. Go away. Find someone else. Don't bother me. Kind of.
Continue with the confession.
So what she does, when the relationship devolves into love and intimacy or even just affection or friendship, she is triggered, she's terrified, or even, I would say, disgusted. She finds the whole situation repulsive, and she pushes her partners away towards other people. She encourages them to form relationships, alternative relationships with others.
And then she says, if the resulting liaison between her partner and someone else, if the resulting liaison is platonic, at least someone else now suffers the headache. It is a relief to have gotten rid of a demanding, nagging presence. That's how she sees her partner or a friend or her children.
I continue to enjoy all the benefits, she says, two of the four Ss. But at the same time, I pay no costs in terms of scarce resources, such as my time and attention. So the thinking is a balance sheet kind of thinking, a kind of financial statement kind of thing, bottom line. When her partners, their sources of supply, her friends become demanding, when they expect reciprocity, where they introduce positive emotions such as love or intimate when they when they create an intimate ambience or intimate environment the relationship becomes suffocating there's an engulfment anxiety, sort of. And so then the dismissive, avoidant narcissist pushes the partner, pushes the social supply, pushes the friend away towards someone else. And then there are two possibilities. The new relationship with someone else may be platonic or it may involve sex. If it is platonic, great. Someone else has the problem now. She doesn't need to cater to the needs of her... She's not required to cater to the needs of her intimate partner. She doesn't need to pay attention. She doesn't need to waste time. She doesn't need to be around. She doesn't need to support. She doesn't need to provide succor. She doesn't need to do anything, actually. She keeps receiving the two out of four S's, whichever two these may be. And at the same time, she pays, there's no cost. She pays nothing for these services, for these two S's, for the sex and services, for the services and safety, for the supply and safety, for the supply and services, whichever two S is. She doesn't pay anything for that. Someone else is paying the price, the new guy or the new girl. By pushing away her intimate partner or dis-intimate partner by pushing away her friends. By pushing away everyone, basically. Everyone who has a claim on her. Everyone who has a claim on her time and resources and attention and so. By pushing them away, she's outsourcing the problem. Now there's someone else who has to listen to her partner, talk to her partner, pay attention to her partner, spend time with her partner, travel with her partner, have sex with her partner, it's all great. She, her partner has have sex with her partner, it's all great. Her partner has been taken off her hands and now she's free. These people, the dismissive avoidance, are fiercely independent. Freedom is the number one value. they would sacrifice anything for freedom and that's why they encourage their partners to to be unfaithful that's why many of them suggest an open relationship open or an open marriage that's why they become very disgruntled and irritated and annoyed when the partner won't go away, won't find someone else, won't develop an alternative relationship. As they perceive this as stubbornness or even passive aggression, I mean, I told you, you can, I told you that you could have sex with others. I have no problem with it. I told you could travel with your best friend of the opposite sex. I have no problem with that. Just leave me alone. Let me do my thing. I need my space. I need my time.
So if the resulting alternative relationship is platonic, great. If it involves sex as well as love and intimacy.
In other words, the dismissive avoidant narcissist pushes her partner away. And if then the partner finds someone else and has sex with them, that's great, that's even better. Because it affords her, and I'll read her own words, if it ends up involved, if this alternative relationship with someone else, ends up involving sex as well as love and intimacy, it affords me the added benefit of being able to weaponize the guilt and shame of the strain provider in order to modify their behaviors and secure the long-term availability of two out of the four S's. Her writing is a bit convoluted, even for my taste. But what she's saying is this.
She starts a relationship. The relationship is transactional, it's founded on the provision of two out of the four assets, sixth supply safety services.
And so now as long as a relationship is constructed on the exchange of goods and services, it flourishes, it thrives. She's delighted.
But then if the other party catches feelings, catches emotions and tries to move it a step further to evolve the relationship, to progress it into the terrain of intimacy and love, that terrifies the dismissive avoidant narcissists.
And then she pushes her partner away. Again, when I say partner, it could be intimate partner, could be child, could be spouse, could be girlfriend, could be boyfriend, could be just best friend, could be a colleague even.
Anyhow, when someone tries to introduce closeness, togetherness, intimacy, love in a romantic relationship, this absolutely suffocates and terrifies the dismissive avoidant narcissists and she pushes the person, that person away, the nagging, demanding person away. She encourages that person to form relationships with other people so as to take care of their needs, cater to their needs.
And so these relationships could be platonic or sexual in nature. And if they're sexual in nature, that's great because then she can blackmail her partner.
So imagine an intimate relationship. She pushes her boyfriend away because he demands intimacy and love and that's not for her. She pushes her boyfriend away. He ends up having sex with another girl. That's great.
Because now he feels guilty. Now he feels ashamed. And so she can modify his behavior, which is a gentle way of saying that she can extort him and blackmail him. And she can then secure the long-term availability of two out of the four S's.
Now that he has strayed, now that he has betrayed her in his own mind, now that he has become unfaithful, now that there's been infidelity involved, she can blackmail him into staying in her life and continuing to provide the two out of four assets.
Of course, she's not offering intimacy and love. She's not reclaiming her intimate partner. That's not what it's all about. She would continue to encourage her intimate partner to have sex, love and intimacy with other people.
But now she can blackmail him because he feels uncomfortable with what he had done.
And she ends by saying, I become possessive, jealous, only when the commitment of the providers is equivocal.
When I cannot take the providers for granted because of their personality, they may be promiscuous, vengeful, defiant, dysregulated in your words. Or maybe because they regard the transaction as lopsided and they're shopping for a better one.
In all these situations, I become possessive and jealous.
That's a snippet from the confession of a dismissive avoidant narcissist in the wake of a video that I posted a few days ago.
Fun person to be with.