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Narcissists Hate Love

Uploaded 9/23/2010, approx. 3 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

There is nothing the narcissist hates more than being told, I love you. This simple sentence evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes the narcissist into uncontrollable rage.

But why is that?

Well, there are three reasons.

First of all, the narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. A misogynist, he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted.

To the narcissist, love is an all-consuming, dangerous pursuit.

Secondly, being loved means being known, being intimate. The narcissist likes to think of himself that he is so unique and deep that he can never be truly known or fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind through eugenics.

To say to the narcissist, I love you, means to negate this feeling. It means to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator. It means to threaten his sense of uniqueness.

After all, the narcissist says to himself, everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest and lowest human beings, fall in love. It is such an average pedestrian emotion.

So unlike the narcissist, the narcissist, to the narcissist, the loving is an animalistic and pathological behavior, and the same goes for sex.

Thirdly, the narcissist knows deep inside that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, that he is hollow and truly non-existent. He can't help but ask himself, who would fall in love with me? The person who claims to love the narcissist is either lying because what is there to love in the narcissist? Or she is a self-deceiving, clinging and immature co-dependent.

The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen for a spouse or a mate, a liar, or a co-dependent idiot. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgment.

The narcissist hates love, however and wherever it's manifested. We'll take one example. When the narcissist's spouse demonstrates her love to their children, the narcissist wishes them all ill. He is so cosologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she had never existed.

Being a tad paranoid, the narcissist also nurtures the growing conviction that she is showing love to her children demonstrably and on purpose just to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and discriminated against.

The narcissist regards his spouse's interaction with their children to be a provocation and assault on his emotional welfare and balance.

Seething with envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts, these form the flammable concoction in the narcissist's mind. He reacts this way wherever and whenever he sees people happy and in love.

Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love and shrouding him with acceptance and consuming him with compassion and empathy.

And that is not so. The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a life crisis. Nothing short of that can move or change the narcissist. Definitely not love.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.


Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.


Breaking Through the Narcissist's Indifference by Becoming a Psychop

Narcissists have three essential demands from their partner: sex, supply, and services. If the partner provides any two of these three, the narcissist is pacified and ignores her. The partner needs to escalate, dramatize, and render herself unpredictable to attract the narcissist's attention. As our civilization becomes more narcissistic, both men and women adopt and emulate grandiose psychopathic men as role models, gurus, and guiding lights. The situation is so bad that many people are choosing simply to stay alone, to remain single in the fullest sense of the word.


Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.


Cope with Narcissists: Abandon or Mirror

The best way to cope with a narcissist is to abandon them or threaten to abandon them. The narcissist is a binary person, and the carrot is also the stick in their case. If they get too close to someone emotionally, they fear abandonment and immediately distance themselves, acting cruelly and bringing about the very abandonment they feared. If one chooses to accept the narcissist, to live with them, to remain in an intimate relationship with them, it is a package deal. All their needs, demands, and requirements are included.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Money: Narcissist's License to Abuse

Money is a love substitute for the narcissist, allowing them to be their corrupt selves and buy absolution, forgiveness, and acceptance. It is a license to sin and a permit to be unmitigated self. Money liberates the mind of the narcissist, allowing them to concentrate on attaining the desired position on top. The narcissist is addicted to money because it is the freedom not to behave in a way that is unbearable to them in the long run.


Loving My Narcissist HURTS so much!

Loving a narcissist is a painful experience due to their lack of empathy, idealization followed by devaluation, and inability to truly connect with their partner. The narcissist's inaccessibility and indifference can be devastating, as they often discard their partners without any emotional reaction. This experience can leave the partner feeling shattered, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust themselves and others. Ultimately, the pain of loving a narcissist comes from grieving the loss of who they used to be and the potential of what could have been in the relationship.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.

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