Narcissists Hate Love

Uploaded 9/23/2010, approx. 3 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

There is nothing the narcissist hates more than being told, I love you. This simple sentence evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes the narcissist into uncontrollable rage.

But why is that?

Well, there are three reasons.

First of all, the narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. A misogynist, he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted.

To the narcissist, love is an all-consuming, dangerous pursuit.

Secondly, being loved means being known, being intimate. The narcissist likes to think of himself that he is so unique and deep that he can never be truly known or fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind through eugenics.

To say to the narcissist, I love you, means to negate this feeling. It means to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator. It means to threaten his sense of uniqueness.

After all, the narcissist says to himself, everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest and lowest human beings, fall in love. It is such an average pedestrian emotion.

So unlike the narcissist, the narcissist, to the narcissist, the loving is an animalistic and pathological behavior, and the same goes for sex.

Thirdly, the narcissist knows deep inside that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, that he is hollow and truly non-existent. He can't help but ask himself, who would fall in love with me? The person who claims to love the narcissist is either lying because what is there to love in the narcissist? Or she is a self-deceiving, clinging and immature co-dependent.

The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen for a spouse or a mate, a liar, or a co-dependent idiot. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgment.

The narcissist hates love, however and wherever it's manifested. We'll take one example. When the narcissist's spouse demonstrates her love to their children, the narcissist wishes them all ill. He is so cosologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she had never existed.

Being a tad paranoid, the narcissist also nurtures the growing conviction that she is showing love to her children demonstrably and on purpose just to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and discriminated against.

The narcissist regards his spouse's interaction with their children to be a provocation and assault on his emotional welfare and balance.

Seething with envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts, these form the flammable concoction in the narcissist's mind. He reacts this way wherever and whenever he sees people happy and in love.

Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love and shrouding him with acceptance and consuming him with compassion and empathy.

And that is not so. The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a life crisis. Nothing short of that can move or change the narcissist. Definitely not love.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Loving My Narcissist HURTS so much!

Loving a narcissist is a painful experience due to their lack of empathy, idealization followed by devaluation, and inability to truly connect with their partner. The narcissist's inaccessibility and indifference can be devastating, as they often discard their partners without any emotional reaction. This experience can leave the partner feeling shattered, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust themselves and others. Ultimately, the pain of loving a narcissist comes from grieving the loss of who they used to be and the potential of what could have been in the relationship.

Don't Waste Your Love on the Narcissist (Conference Presentation)

The narcissist is incapable of both loving and being loved due to the presence of a bad object at their core. Love triggers feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy in the narcissist, leading them to reject and push away any attempts at love. They view love as a threat and seek to control and manipulate their partners to avoid feelings of weakness and potential abandonment. The narcissist's inability to separate others from themselves and their deep-seated trauma from childhood further complicates their ability to engage in healthy, loving relationships.

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.

Narcissist Uses Money to Enslave, Bribe Victim

Narcissists use money to manipulate and control their victims, who often equate money with love and become entangled in the narcissist's web. Victims may engage in self-deception and cognitive dissonance to justify their sacrifices and remain on the narcissist's good side. However, they may eventually rebel and become passive-aggressive, bitter, depressed, and paranoid. If they do not extricate themselves in time, they may acquire the traits and behavior patterns of their narcissistic abusers and form a shared psychosis mediated by money.

Money: Narcissist's License to Abuse

Money is a love substitute for the narcissist, allowing them to be their corrupt selves and buy absolution, forgiveness, and acceptance. It is a license to sin and a permit to be unmitigated self. Money liberates the mind of the narcissist, allowing them to concentrate on attaining the desired position on top. The narcissist is addicted to money because it is the freedom not to behave in a way that is unbearable to them in the long run.

Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy