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Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Uploaded 11/19/2010, approx. 5 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.


Today we will discuss the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her adult daughter.

What are some common ways that a mother's narcissism can affect the daughter's adult relationships?

Well, it depends on how narcissistic the mother is.

Narcissistic parents generally fail to recognize and accept the personal autonomy and the boundaries of their offspring. They treat their children as instruments of gratification or as extensions of themselves. Their love is conditioned on the performance of their children and how well they cater to the needs, wishes and priorities of the narcissistic parents.

Consequently, narcissistic parents oscillate between two modes.

The first one is clingy emotional blackmail. This they use when they seek the child's attention, adulation and compliance, collectively known as narcissistic supply.

Alternatively, they treat the child with steely devaluation and silent treatment when they wish to punish the child for refusing to toe the line. Such inconstancy, unpredictability, arbitrariness and capriciousness render the child insecure and co-dependent.

When the child grows up and enters a relationship as an adult, he feels that he has to earn each and every morsel of love, that he will be instantly and easily abandoned if he underperforms, that her primary role is to take care of her spouse, mate, partner or friend and that she is less important, less endowed, less skilled and less deserving than her significant others.

What are the top concerns?

When daughters of narcissistic mothers start relationships and their relationships move forward when their relationships end, well, children of narcissistic parents are ill-adapted, their personality is rigid and they are prone to deploy a host of psychological defense mechanisms.

Consequently, children of narcissistic parents display the same behaviors throughout their relationship from start to finish, irrespective of changing circumstances.

As adults, offspring of narcissists tend to perpetuate a pathological primary relationship with their narcissistic parents. They depend on other people for their emotional gratification and for the performance of ego or even daily functions. They are needy, demanding and submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviors in their effort to maintain the so-called relationship with their companion or mate upon whom they depend.

No matter what abuse is inflicted upon these children turned adults, they remain in the relationship.

By eagerly becoming victims, co-dependents seek to control their abusers.

Some children of narcissistic parents become inverted narcissists, also called covert narcissists. This is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists, a narcissist co-dependent.

If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist etc., this does not mean that you are an inverted narcissist.

To qualify as an inverted narcissist, you must crave to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him. You must actively seek relationships with narcissists and only with narcissists, no matter what your bitter and traumatic past experience has been. You must feel empty and unhappy in relationships with any other kind of person.

Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of dependent personality disorder, can you safely label yourself an inverted narcissist.

So a small minority of children of narcissistic parents end up being counterdependent or even narcissists themselves.

They emulate and imitate their parents' traits and conduct. The emotions of these children of narcissists, their needs are buried under scar tissue which had formed, coalesced and hardened during years of one form or abuse or another.

So these children develop grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, an overwhelming and overwhelming emptiness that usually hides in knowing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth.

Counterdependence are consummations. They reject and despise authority. They are fiercely independent. They are controlling, self-centered and aggressive. They fear intimacy and they are locked into cycles of hesitant approach followed by avoidance of commitment. They are lone wolves. They are bad team players.

Counterdependents are a reaction formation.

The counterdependent dreads his own weaknesses. He seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence, omniscience, success, self-sufficiency and superiority.

Some daughters of narcissists choose this path of coping.

How do narcissistic mothers interfere or get involved with their daughter's love or take lives? How does this compare to typical mothers?

The narcissistic mother is a control freak and does not easily relinquish a good and reliable source of narcissistic supply such as her daughter. It is the role of her children to replenish this supply.

The children, the daughter, owe it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries and does not become independent or autonomous, the narcissistic parent micromanages the child's life and encourages dependent and infantile behaviors in her offspring. Such a parent, for instance, bribes the child by offering free lodging or financial support or help with daily tasks. Such a parent emotionally blackmails the child by constantly demanding help and imposing chores, claiming to be disabled. Threatens the child, for instance, to disinherit her if she does not comply with the parent's wishes.

The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare away anyone who may have set this symbiotic relationship or otherwise threaten the delicate, unbroken, unspoken contract between the parent and daughter. Such a narcissistic mother sabotages any budding relationship that a child develops with lies, deceit, or overt scorn.

According to the DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed in between 2 and 16% of the population in clinical settings, or about 1% of the general population.

The DSM proceeds to tell us that most narcissists are men, but 25 to 30% of all narcissists are women. These become narcissistic mothers, and their daughters care the consequences.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissistic Parents Possessive: Envy, Destroy Their Children, Offspring

Narcissistic parents, particularly mothers, often perceive their children as extensions of themselves, leading to feelings of betrayal when the child asserts independence or deviates from the parent's idealized image. This perceived betrayal can result in the mother transforming the child into a persecutory object, prompting aggressive and punitive behaviors aimed at suppressing the child's autonomy. The relationship is characterized by emotional manipulation, guilt induction, and control mechanisms that prevent the child from developing a separate identity, ultimately leading to a cycle of dependency and dysfunction. As adults, children of narcissistic parents may struggle with insecure attachment styles, repeating unhealthy relational patterns, and either becoming codependent or developing narcissistic traits themselves.


Narcissist Father: Save Your Child

Parents who are worried about their children becoming narcissists under the influence of a narcissistic parent should stop trying to insulate their children from the other parent's influence. Instead, they should make themselves available to their children and present themselves as a non-narcissistic role model. Narcissistic parents regard their children as a source of narcissistic supply and try to control their lives through guilt-driven, dependence-driven, goal-driven, and explicit mechanisms. The child is the ultimate secondary source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissistic parent tries to perpetuate the child's dependence using control mechanisms. The narcissistic parent tends to produce another narcissist in some of their children, but this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing, which encourages a


Narcissist's Dead Parents Resurrected in His Children

Narcissists often try to recreate their own parents in their offspring, molding their children to resemble their parents' attributes and behavior patterns. This creates an intergenerational trauma by replicating early childhood conflicts with their own children. Narcissistic parents treat their children as extensions of themselves and use them for their own gratification, leading to a cycle of narcissism. In modern society, many parents may exhibit narcissistic tendencies, raising the question of whether narcissism is becoming the new mode of parenting.


Narcissist: No Custody, No Children!

Parenting lacks the necessary regulations and screenings that are required for other responsibilities, allowing individuals with narcissistic personality disorder to raise children without oversight. Narcissistic parents often treat their children as extensions of themselves, leading to cycles of idealization and devaluation that can cause long-lasting emotional trauma. The control mechanisms employed by narcissists, such as guilt and co-dependence, create a symbiotic but turbulent relationship where the child's needs are secondary to the parent's desires for narcissistic supply. Ultimately, the conditional love and harsh reactions of narcissistic parents can result in severe emotional and psychological harm to the child.


Children of Narcissist: Bad Mother's Voice

The concept of the "good mother" contrasts sharply with the "bad mother," where the former is characterized by reliability, emotional safety, and unconditional love, while the latter embodies transactional love, emotional absence, and capriciousness. Children of the bad mother often justify her harmful behaviors as necessary for their survival and personal growth, viewing her unpredictability as excitement and her conditional love as a form of tough love. This dynamic fosters a co-dependent relationship, where the child internalizes the bad mother's negative traits and rationalizes them as positive. Ultimately, the influence of the bad mother persists in the child's psyche, shaping their perceptions of love and relationships throughout their life.


How to be Good (enough) Mother: Your 3 Gifts

Aspiring to be a "good enough" mother involves understanding the importance of exposing children to risks, encouraging their independence, and helping them navigate reality. A good enough mother gradually frustrates her child to teach resilience and the concept of boundaries, while maintaining her own identity and autonomy. In contrast, a narcissistic mother seeks control and dependency, undermining her child's development and fostering entitlement. The relationship with a narcissistic parent often leads to emotional turmoil and trauma bonding, making it difficult for the child to establish healthy boundaries and independence.


How to Raise a Narcissistic Child, Winner in a Sick World

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses how to raise a child to be a narcissist, arguing that narcissism can be a positive adaptation for success in life. He explains that pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or adolescence. Vaknin then lists 20 ways to raise a narcissistic child, including being a toxic parent, criticizing the child constantly, making the child feel guilty, and fostering sibling rivalry. He concludes by stating that narcissists are winners in today's society, and parents who raise their children to be narcissists have done their best for them.


Narcissist: Mother Looms Large

The success or failure of a child's separation from their mother determines their personal history, autonomy, and sense of self. The mother is the benchmark against which everything in the child's future is measured. If the mother does not let go, the child does not go, and if the mother is a dependent narcissistic type, the child's growth prospects are doomed. The death of the mother is a devastating shock and a deliverance, and with the death of his mother, the narcissist embarks on a process of healing.


Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl? (Compilation)

The principle of the dual mothership in a narcissist's shared fantasy posits that narcissists and their partners seek maternal figures in each other to fulfill unmet childhood needs for unconditional love and acceptance, often leading to a repetition compulsion. The father's role, while crucial in later development, is secondary to the mother's influence in the early years, as the mother is the primary caregiver and the one who shapes the child's initial sense of self. Dysfunctional father figures, such as absent, critical, or emotionally unstable fathers, exacerbate the narcissistic traits developed from a problematic maternal relationship, leading to a complex interplay of attachment issues and identity disturbances. Ultimately, both maternal and paternal dysfunctions contribute to the formation of narcissistic personalities, with the father serving as a socialization agent who can either mitigate or amplify the child's narcissism.


How to Help a Child with Narcissistic Parent (Modelling)

Children of narcissistic parents often exhibit two extreme behaviors: hypervigilance and eagerness to please, or boastfulness and entitlement, both resulting from narcissistic abuse. To mitigate the damage inflicted by a narcissistic parent, the non-narcissistic parent or caregiver should model healthy behaviors and provide a contrasting role model, allowing the child to develop autonomy and critical thinking. Social learning theory, particularly as articulated by Albert Bandura, emphasizes the importance of observation and imitation in behavior development, suggesting that children learn from the behaviors of those around them. Ultimately, the presence and positive modeling of a loving, empathic parent can help counteract the negative influences of a narcissistic parent, fostering resilience and healthier emotional development in the child.

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