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Loser Narcissist: Failure as Success

Uploaded 7/4/2018, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

We all try to replicate and reenact our successes. We feel comfortable and confident doing what we do best and what we do most often. We enshrine our oft-repeated tasks and our cumulative experiences as habits.

When we are asked to adopt new skills and confront unprecedented tasks, we recoil, procrastinate or delegate, in other words, pass the buck.

Performance anxiety is common, but mostly so among narcissists.

Narcissists need to defend their grandiosity, they are hypervigilant, they expect the world to be hostile, they expect attacks on their claims for magnificence, unificence, perfection and brilliance. They feel like frauds, and they suspect that they can pull the wool over most people's eyes most of the time, but not all the time, so they are constantly anxious to be found out.

But there is a deeper issue at stake.

Someone who keeps failing, as most narcissists do, is rendered very good at it. He becomes adept at the art of floundering, an expert on fissile and blunder and artist of the sleep.

The more dismal the defeats, the more familiar the terrain of losses and botched attempts.

Failure is the loser's comfort zone, and most narcissists are losers.

The narcissist uses projective identification to coerce people around him to help him revert to form, to fail. Such a loser will aim to recreate time and again his only accomplishment, his spectacular downfalls, his thwarted skins, and his harebrained strategists.

A slave to a repetition compulsion, the narcissistic loser finds the terror incognito of success intimidating. He raps his precious aborted flops in a mantle of an ideology.

Narcissist is likely to say that success is an evil, and that all successful people are crooks or the beneficiaries of some quirky fortune.

Of the narcissistic loser, his miscarriages and deterioration are a warm blanket, underneath which he hides himself from a hostile world.

Fear is a powerful and addictive organizing principle, which imbues life itself with meaning and predictability, and allows the loser to make sense of his personal history.

Being a loser is an identity, and losers are proud of it as they recount with honor their mishaps with fortune and with institutes.

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Old-age Narcissist

Narcissists age without grace, unable to accept their fallibility and mortality. They suffer from mental progeria, aging prematurely and finding themselves in a time warp. The longer they live, the more average they become, and the wider the gulf between their pretensions and accomplishments. Few narcissists save for rainy days, and those who succeed in their vocation end up bitterly alone, having squandered the love of family, offspring, and mates.


Narcissist: Loser and Failure

Narcissists have three traits that make them fail and become losers: a sense of entitlement, arrogance, and aversion to routine. Their sense of entitlement makes them lazy and believe that they should be spoon-fed. They are under-qualified and lack skills because they believe they are above mundane chores. Their arrogance and belief that they are superior to others hampers their ability to function in society. They become outcasts and are shunned by colleagues, employers, and family members.


Narcissist Reacts to Criticism, Disagreement, Disapproval

Narcissists are hypervigilant and perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical comment as complete and humiliating rejection. They react defensively, becoming indignant, aggressive, and cold. The narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement and criticism on himself by holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant. When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation become public, the narcissist tends to regard them as narcissistic supply.


Narcissist: The Impulse to Be Perfect (Fear of Failure and Success)

Narcissists fear failure and therefore opt for mediocrity, as success means they have more to lose and more ways to fail. Deliberately not succeeding also supports the narcissist's sense of omnipotence and grandiose conviction that they are perfect. Many narcissistic defenses, traits, and behaviors revolve around this compulsive need to sustain a grandiose self-image of perfection, colloquially known as perfectionism. Deficient impulse control helps achieve this crucial goal, as impulsive actions and addictive behaviors render failure impossible.


When the Narcissist's Parents Die

The death of a narcissist's parents can be a complicated experience. The narcissist has a mixed reaction to their passing, feeling both elation and grief. The parents are often the source of the narcissist's trauma and continue to haunt them long after they die. The death of the parents also represents a loss of a reliable source of narcissistic supply, which can lead to severe depression. Additionally, the narcissist's unfinished business with their parents can lead to unresolved conflicts and pressure that deforms their personality.


Narcissistic Boss or Employer: Coping and Survival Tactics

Narcissistic bosses view their employees solely as sources of admiration and validation, expecting them to mirror their grandiosity without developing their own identities. When employees assert independence or challenge the narcissist's self-image, they risk severe backlash, including termination, as the narcissist perceives any hint of equality as a threat. The narcissist's need for constant validation leads to a cycle of idealization followed by devaluation, where new employees are initially praised but later taken for granted. To navigate this toxic environment, employees should avoid disagreement, refrain from intimacy, and consistently flatter the narcissist to maintain their position and minimize conflict.


Paranoia, Narcissistic Mirroring, and Narcissistic Reflection

Narcissists tend to react with paranoia when they feel threatened, but these attacks tend to fade and the narcissist frequently homes in on new agents of persecution. The narcissist's paranoia is a grandiose fantasy aimed to regulate their sense of self-worth. The narcissist's partner tends to encourage their paranoid or threatening attention, and this is a game of two. Living with a narcissist can tilt one's mind toward abnormal reactions, and even after separation, the narcissist's partners typically still care for the narcissist greatly.


Narcissist's Immunity

Narcissists possess magical thinking and narcissistic immunity, which is the erroneous feeling that they are immune to the consequences of their actions. The sources of this fantastic misappraisal of situations and chains of events are the false self, a sense of entitlement, the narcissist's ability to manipulate their human environment, and the narcissist's inability to empathize. Narcissists are convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny and are pathologically envious of people, projecting their aggression onto them. When required to account for their misdeeds, the narcissist is always distainful, bitter, and resentful.


Narcissist's Routines

Narcissists have a series of routines that are developed through rote learning and repetitive patterns of experience. These routines are used to reduce anxiety and transform the world into a manageable and controllable one. The narcissist is a creature of habit and finds change unsettling. The narcissist's routines are often broken down when they are breached or can no longer be defended, leading to a narcissistic injury.


Narcissistic Humiliation and Injury

Narcissists react to humiliation in the same way as normal people, only more so. They are regularly and strongly humiliated by things that normally do not constitute a humiliation. The emotional life of the narcissist is tinted by ubiquitous and recurrent insults, humiliations, and slights. The narcissist is constantly on the defensive, constantly being targeted, and is a kind of paranoid.

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