Narcissist: Loser and Failure

Uploaded 10/20/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Three traits of a narcissist conspire to render him a failure and a loser.

The first trait is the narcissist's sense of entitlement.

The second is the narcissist's hotiness, arrogance, and innate conviction that he is superior.

The third trait is the narcissist's aversion to routine.

The narcissist's sense of entitlement encourages his indolence. He firmly believes that he should be spoon-fed and that accomplishments and honors should be handed to him on a silver platter without any commensurate effort on his part.

His mere existence justifies exceptional treatment.

Many narcissists are under-qualified, and they lack skills because they can't be bothered with the minutiae of obtaining an academic degree of professional training or exams. They are above such mundane chores.

The narcissist's arrogance and belief that he is superior to others whom he typically holds in contempt.

In other words, the narcissist's grandiose fantasies, these hamper his ability to function in society.

The cumulative outcomes of this social dysfunction gradually transform him into a recluse and an outcast. The narcissist is shunned by colleagues, employers, neighbors, erstwhile friends, and finally, even by long-suffering family members who tire of his tirades and rants.

Unable to work in a team to compromise, to give credit for a due, and to strive towards long-term goals, the narcissist's skilled and as gifted as he may be finds himself unemployed and unemployable, his bad reputation preceding him.

Even when offered a job or a business opportunity, the narcissist records. He bolts. He obstructs each and every stage of the negotiations or the transaction. He becomes passive-aggressive or in professional terms, negativistic.

But this passive-aggressive, negativistic and masochistic conduct has nothing to do with the narcissist's aforementioned indolence.

The narcissist is not afraid of some forms of hard work. He invests in ordinary amounts of energy, forethought, planning, zest, and sweat in securing narcissistic supply, for instance.

So it's not that he avoids work generally. He avoids certain types of labor and toil.

The narcissist sabotages new employment or business prospects is owing to his abhorrence of routine. He hates routine.

Narcissists feel trapped, shackled and enslaved by the quotidian, by the repetitive tasks that are inevitably involved in fulfilling one's assignments in a job. They hate the methodical, step-by-step, long-term approach.

Possessed of magical thinking, they'd rather wait for miracles to happen than make them happen. Jobs, business deals, and teamwork require perseverance and tolerance of boredom.

And not the narcissist likes both.

Life forces most narcissists into the hard slope of a steady job or a succession of jobs.

Such unfortunate narcissists, coerced into a framework they resent, are likely to act out and erupt in a series of self-destructive and self-defeating acts.

But there are other narcissists, the luckier ones, those who can afford not to work. They laze about and touch themselves in a variety of idle and trivial pursuits, seek entertainment and trills wherever and whenever they can, leave off others in parasitic form, and while their lives are away, at once content and bitter.

They are content with their lifestyle and the minimum demand it imposes on them. They are bitter because they haven't achieved before. They haven't reached the pinnacle of their profession. They haven't become as rich and famous or powerful as they believe themselves, deserving.

Yet, even though they realize that they are failures, the narcissist cannot draw a line between his current station in life, the defeats and failures that he has experienced, and the reasons, the causes his own traits, his own misbehaviors, his own misconduct.

The narcissist doesn't see the connection between these two. He does not realize that actions have consequences.

He believes that he is immune to the cosmic justice. He believes that everything should transpire without effort, without toy, without labor, without perspiration. He believes in inspiration. He believes himself to be an artist of life, and the world is his canvas.

He usually ends his life lonely, bitter, reckless, failure, a loser.

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Narcissist: Your Pain is his Healing, Your Crucifixion - His Resurrection

Narcissists need their victims to suffer to regulate their own emotions and feel a sense of control. They keep a mental ledger of positive and negative behaviors, with negative behaviors weighing more heavily. Narcissists need counterfactual statements to maintain their delusion of being special and superior. The grandiosity gap is the major vulnerability of the narcissist, and they are often in denial about their limitations and failures.

Narcissist's Routines

Narcissists have a series of routines that are developed through rote learning and repetitive patterns of experience. These routines are used to reduce anxiety and transform the world into a manageable and controllable one. The narcissist is a creature of habit and finds change unsettling. The narcissist's routines are often broken down when they are breached or can no longer be defended, leading to a narcissistic injury.

Narcissist Reacts to Criticism, Disagreement, Disapproval

Narcissists are hypervigilant and perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical comment as complete and humiliating rejection. They react defensively, becoming indignant, aggressive, and cold. The narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement and criticism on himself by holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant. When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation become public, the narcissist tends to regard them as narcissistic supply.

Gullible Narcissist Victimized and Abused

Narcissists are more gullible than the average person because they live in a fantasy world of their own making, where they are at the center of the universe. They are prone to magical thinking and believe they are immune to the consequences of their actions. Narcissists feel entitled to everything and are easily duped, cheated, and deceived. They attract abuse and are often targeted by stalkers and persecutors, usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation on the narcissist.

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.

Negative, Fake, Low-grade Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists crave attention, both positive and negative, and use it to regulate their sense of self-worth. They construct a false self and project it onto others to elicit admiration, adulation, and fear. Negative supply can become narcissistic supply when positive supply is scarce. Narcissists also crave punishment, which confirms their view of themselves as worthless and relieves them of the inner conflict they endure when they are successful.

Narcissist's Language as Weapon

Narcissists use language as a weapon of self-defense, to obscure, not to communicate, and to obtain narcissistic supply. They talk at others or lecture them, exchange subtexts, and spawn private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumors, phobias, and hysterias. The rules that govern the narcissist universe are loopholeed, incomprehensible, open to interpretation so wide and so self-contradictory that it renders them meaningless. The narcissist, in this respect, is a great social menace, undermining language itself.

Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.

Narcissist in Court and Litigation

Narcissists are skilled at distorting reality and presenting plausible alternative scenarios, making it difficult to expose their lies in court. However, it is possible to break a narcissist by finding their weak spots and using them to inflict pain. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to any statement that contradicts their inflated perception of themselves or suggests they are not special. They feel entitled to be treated differently from others and cannot tolerate criticism or being told they are not as intelligent or successful as they think they are.

Narcissist: Bumbling Fool, Incapable of Learning?

Narcissists can appear to be stupid for several reasons. They have no impulse control, act out, and engage in self-defeating actions. They also use pseudo-stupidity to avoid the consequences of their misdeeds. Narcissists are gullible, have an impaired reality test, and cannot read social cues or the intentions of others. They also use false modesty to fish for compliments, but their attempts are so transparent that people react with repulsion. Finally, the narcissist regards learning something new or getting advice as narcissistic injuries, which renders them appear profoundly stupid.

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