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Narcissist: Destructive Envy and Romantic Jealousy

Uploaded 1/17/2014, approx. 7 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

It is all luck.

In an earlier version, the shorter of the English dictionary adds, mortification and ill-will occasioned by the contemplation of another person's superior advantages.

The logical envy is the second deadly thing, but it is a compounded emotion, not a simple one. It is brought on by the realization of some lack or deficiency or inadequacy in oneself.

It is a result of unfavorably comparing oneself to other people, to their success, their reputation, their possessions, their luck, their qualities.

Envy is misery, and humiliation, and impotent rage, and a torturous, slippery path to nowhere.

The effort to break the padded walls of this self-visited pocketory often leads to attacks from the perceived source of frustration.

There is actually a spectrum of reactions to this pernicious, cognitively distorting emotion, envy.

One way is to subsume the object of envy via imitation. Some narcissists seek to imitate, or even emulate, their ever-changing role models.

It is as if by imitating the object of his envy, the narcissist becomes that object, subsumes it.

So, narcissists are likely to adopt their bosses' typical gestures, or the vocabulary of a successful politician they admire, or the views of an esteemed tycoon or intellectual, or even the countenance and actions of the fictitious protagonist of a movie or a novel.

And that's the way they cope with their pathological envy, by becoming the source of that envy, the source of the frustration.

In his pursuit of peace of mind, in his frantic effort to alleviate the burden of consuming jealousy, the narcissist often deteriorates through conspicuous and ostentatious consumption, to impulsive, reckless behaviors, even to substance abuse.

Elsewhere, I wrote, in extreme cases, to get rich quick through schemes of crime and corruption, to outwink the system.

In other words, to prevail, is thought by these people to be the epitome of cleverness, providing one does not get caught, of course.

It is a sport of living. It is a winked-at vice. It is a spice of life.

But some narcissists, rather than subsume the source of frustration with the object of envy, choose to destroy it, to destroy the frustrating object.

They choose to destroy the object that gives them so much grief by provoking in them feeling of inadequacy and frustration, the display of sessic, blind animosity, and they engage in compulsive acts of rivalry, often at the cost of self-destruction and self-isolation.


In my essay, The Dance of Jaiyal, I wrote, This Hydra has many heads, from scratching the paint of new cars and flattening their tires, to spreading vicious gossip, to media-hyped arrests of successful and rich businessmen, to wars against advantaged neighbors, these are all manifestations of a pathological envy.

The stifling, condensed vapors of envy cannot be dispersed. They invade their victims, their racial eyes, their calculating souls. They guide their hands in evil doings, and they dip their tongues in vitriol.

The envious narcissist's existence is a constant hiss, tangible malice, the piercing of a thousand eyes. The imminence and imminence of violence is always there, the poison joy of depriving the other of that which you do not or cannot have.

I also deal with the issue of self-deprecation. There are those narcissists who idealize the successful and the rich and the lucky. They attribute to these people superhuman, almost divine qualities.

In an effort to justify the agonizing disparities between themselves and others, these narcissists humble themselves, and they elevate others. They reduce and diminish their own gifts. They disparage their own achievements. They degrade their own possessions and look with disdain and contempt upon their nearest and dearest, who are unable to discern their fundamental shortcomings. They feel worthy only of abasement and punishment. They are besieged by guilt and remorse, voided of self-esteem, perpetually self-hating, self-loathing and self-deprecating.

And this is by far, actually, the most dangerous species of narcissists.

For he who derives contentment from his own humiliation cannot but derive happiness from the downfall of others.

Indeed, most of these narcissists end up driving the objects of their own devotion and accumulation to destruction and decrepititude.


And then there is, of course, a classic defense mechanism, cognitive dissonance.

The most common reaction is the good old cognitive dissonance. It is to believe that the grapes are sour rather than to admit that they are crepe.

These people devalue the source of their frustration and envy. They find faults unattractive features, high costs to pay, immorality, in everything that they really most desire and aspire to, and in everyone who has attained that which they often cannot.

These narcissists walk among us, critical, self-righteous, inflated with the justice of their own making on the high moral ground and secure in the wisdom of being what they are rather than what they couldn't be and really wish to be.

These narcissists make a virtue of the June abstention, of wishful constipation, of judgmental neutrality.

These qualities, these behaviors, these oxymorons are the favorites of the disabled and the narcissist is an employee.

Narcissists recoil from the sources of their envy because envy is painful. They adopt sometimes avoidance, the schismic solution.

To witness the success and joy of others is too painful to agonize and too high a price to pay.

So these narcissists stay at home alone in communicado. They inhabit the artificial bubble that is their world.

In this bubble, they are the king of the country. There, within the bubble, they are the law, they are the yardstick, they are the one and only. There, in the penumbral recesses of their home, their study, their office, their flickering laptop, their only company, their only noises are electronic and they are the residents of their own burgeoning delusions.

And so, in this bubble, they are happy. They are sued. They are what they dream. They dream their own being.

These narcissists are no longer real. They are, they become kind of narrative, an invention of their own feverish minds, a call of a myth, sustaining and engulfing.

But they are content.

Finally, we need to discuss romantic jealousy.


Pathological envy is not the same as romantic jealousy.

These two emotions have little to do with each other.

Romantic jealousy is actually a narcissistic defense. It reflects the narcissistic traits and behaviors of possessiveness, objectification, treating the spouse and regarding her as an object, and of course of extension, treating the spouse and regarding her as an extension of oneself, devoid of autonomy, personality, needs, wishes, emotions and autonomous action.

Thus, the spouse is cheating, as in infidelity, is perceived by the narcissist to be tantamount to a violation of an encroachment on his self.

Exactly like non-narcissists, narcissists are humiliated by having been lied to. They suffer abandonment anxiety. They compare themselves with the spouse's new power of war, and they feel deprived when the services of the unfaithful and faithful spouse are no longer available to them.

It's kind of a denial of service which may encompass sex, emotional intimacy, house chores, companionship or any other function.

Romantic jealousy is the product of a violation of trust, which in the narcissist provokes paranoia.

Narcissists ask himself, where else lurks deceit? It's a breach of exclusivity which threatens the aforementioned narcissistic and persecutory.

If she is an extension of the narcissist and there is a breach of exclusivity, it's akin to objectivity. There is a denial of possession, which in the narcissist translates to fear of loss and abandonment anxiety.

Consequently, narcissists are even romantically jealous of intimate partners that their spouse has had before marriage and after the divorce.

Some narcissists, realizing that they cannot control their spouses forever, become swingers or engage in group sex where they feel that by bringing adultery home, they have tamed and controlled it.

If you can't beat it, join it. It's the narcissistic saying rules.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist Hates Happy People and Holidays

Holidays and birthdays are a difficult time for narcissists, as they provoke a stream of pathological envy. The narcissist is jealous of others for having a family, being able to celebrate lavishly, or being in the right mood. They hate humans because they are unable to be one and want to spoil it for those who can enjoy. Holidays remind the narcissist of their childhood, the supportive and loving family they never had, and what could have been.


Narcissists Hate Children and Envy Them

Narcissists hate children because they envy them. Children's feigned innocence, manipulation, and lack of empathy are disarming in their directness. Narcissists see children as both mirrors and competitors, reflecting their constant need for adulation and attention. Children are loved by mothers, which makes narcissists jealous and infuriated by their deprivation. Narcissists hate children for being them.


Narcissist's Femme Fatale - or Mother?

Narcissists often confuse romantic jealousy, possessiveness, and mortification, experiencing them similarly due to their inability to differentiate between internal and external emotional states. Possessiveness arises from fear of abandonment and separation, leading to controlling behaviors when the narcissist senses potential loss, while romantic jealousy occurs when they feel threatened by the possibility of infidelity from partners they believe they love, prompting withdrawal and aversion. Mortification, on the other hand, is a rare introspective state where the narcissist confronts their true self through the eyes of others, leading to potential self-awareness and emotional breakthroughs. Ultimately, the dynamics of these emotional responses reveal the complexities of narcissistic relationships, where the narcissist's need for control and validation often masks deeper insecurities and vulnerabilities.


Make Narcissist RECLAIM YOU, Jealous, Envious WHERE IT HURT the MOST!

Narcissists experience a sequence of emotions that begins with envy, triggered when their partner compares them unfavorably to someone else, leading to jealousy as they fear losing their partner. This jealousy manifests as possessiveness, prompting the narcissist to reclaim their partner through behavioral management and relationship rules. Different types of narcissists—cerebral, somatic, and covert—react differently to perceived threats to their grandiosity, with cerebral narcissists becoming jealous over intellectual comparisons, somatic narcissists reacting to sexual performance comparisons, and covert narcissists exhibiting a more insecure, possessive jealousy akin to that of healthy individuals. Ultimately, the narcissist's jealousy is less about genuine emotional attachment and more about protecting their self-image and sense of superiority.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.


Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.


Narcissist’s Retroactive Jealousy Of Your Past Relationships

Romantic jealousy stems from a fear of losing an intimate partner, often triggered when they show interest in someone else, leading to feelings of doom and cognitive dissonance. Retroactive jealousy, a specific form of jealousy, arises when a partner feels threatened by their significant other's past relationships, even if those individuals are no longer present in their lives. In narcissists, retroactive jealousy is particularly pronounced due to their need to idealize and infantilize their partners, which is complicated by any past experiences the partner may have had. This jealousy reflects deeper psychological issues, including a fear of losing the idealized version of the partner and a struggle to control aspects of their partner's life that are beyond their reach, ultimately leading to devaluation and separation.


Should YOU Trust the Narcissist? Is He Authentic or Fake? (COMPILATION)

Trusting a narcissist is complex; while there are instances where they may be trustworthy, it is generally advised to never trust them due to their cognitive distortions and inability to maintain a consistent self-image. Their grandiosity shapes their perception of reality, leading to potential manipulation and self-deception, making it difficult for others to discern their authenticity. Narcissists often project their rejected traits onto others, resulting in a dynamic where victims may internalize these projections, further complicating the relationship. Ultimately, engaging with a narcissist poses significant risks, and self-awareness and caution are essential for navigating such interactions.


When Narcissist in Tears, You Are in Trouble (Frustration-Aggression)

Years of abuse from a narcissist can lead to a moment of confusion when they display tears, which victims may misinterpret as a sign of vulnerability or a chance for redemption. However, these tears are often manipulative, serving as a tactic to elicit sympathy, control emotions, and reinforce the narcissist's victimhood narrative. When a narcissist cries, it signals a shift to a psychopathic state, where they may perceive any challenge to their grandiosity as a threat, leading to aggression and a desire to eliminate the source of their frustration. Victims should recognize that the narcissist's tears are not genuine expressions of emotion but rather a dangerous manipulation, and the best course of action is to distance themselves for their safety.


Can Narcissists Be LOYAL? (Loyalty vs. Fidelity)

Loyalty is a commitment that involves placing the interests of another person above one's own self-interest, and it is essential in intimate relationships and group affiliations. While loyalty requires intimacy and is tested through circumstances, it is distinct from fidelity, which is tied to truthfulness and authenticity. Narcissists can exhibit loyalty as long as it serves their need for narcissistic supply, making their loyalty transactional rather than genuine. However, loyalty that demands significant sacrifices of well-being or identity is unhealthy and often reflects codependency rather than true loyalty.

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