Narcissists Hate Children and Envy Them

Uploaded 8/17/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Narcissists hate children. They envy them. This is regardless of whether the children in question are the narcissists or other peoples.

Philip Larkin, the famous poet, wrote, I should be unhappy having to put up indefinitely with the company of other children. Their noise, their nastiness, their boasting, their back answers, their cruelty, their silliness, the realization that it was not people I disliked, but children, was for me one of those celebrated moments of revelation.

So what goes in the narcissist's mind? What goes throughout it?

When he first sets eyes on a child or a group of children, let us take a trip into his brain, into the narcissist's furthest recesses of the mind. And let's see what is his inner dialogue.

The narcissist says, I see in children feigned innocence, relentless and ruthless manipulation, the cunning of the weak. Children are ageless. Their narcissism is disarming in its directness, in its cruel and absolute lack of empathy.

Children demand with insistence. They punish absentmindedly. They idealize and devalue capriciously.

Children, says the narcissist, have no loyalty. They do not love them. They clink. Their dependence is a mighty weapon and their neediness is a drug.

Children have no time, neither before nor after. To them existence is a near play. They are the actors and we all of us are props.

Children raise the drop and drop the curtain of their mock emotions at will. The bells of their laughter often tintilabulate. They are the fresh abode and good and evil pure. And they are pure when they are good and when they are evil.

To me, says the narcissist, children are both mirrors and competitors. They reflect authentically my constant need for adulation and attention.

Their grandiose fantasies of omnipotence and omniscience are crass caricatures of my own internal world.

The narcissist continues, the way children abuse others and mistreat them, hits close to home. Their innocuous charm, their endless curiosity, their fount of energy, their skulking, their nagging, their boasting, their bragging, their lie, their manipulation, their own mutations of my own behavior.

The narcissist recognizes his own thwarted self in children.

He says, when children make their entrance, all attention is diverted. Their fantasies endear them to their listeners. Their vinglorious swagger often causes smiles. Their trite stupidities are invariably treated as pearls of wisdom. Their nagging is yielded to. Their threats provoke to action. Their needs are accommodated urgently.

And I, the narcissist, stand aside. I am an abandoned center of attention when children are around.

And the dormant eye of an intellectual storm, all but ignored and neglected. I watch the child with envy, with rage, with wrath. I hate the child's effortless ability to defeat me at my own game.

Children are loved by mothers, as I, the narcissist, was not. They are nothing but bundled emotions. They are bundles of happiness. They are bundles of joy. They are bundles of hope. And I'm jealous of them. I'm infuriated by my deprivation. I am fearful of the sadness and hopelessness that they provoke in me.

The narcissist says, like music, children reify a threat to the precariously balanced emotional black hole that is myself. They are my past, my dilapidated and petrified true self, my wasted potentials, my self-loathing and my defenses.

All these are represented by children. Children are my pathology projected.

I revel in my Orwellian narcissistic newspeak. Love, in this case, is weakness. Happiness is a psychosis. Hope is malignant optimism. I reject emotions.

But children defile this. They are proof positive of how different it all could have been.

What I consciously experience when I see children, says the narcissist, is disbelief. The narcissist attests. I cannot understand how anyone can love these faggish brats, their dripping noses, their gelatinous fat bodies, their whitish sweat and their bed breath. How can anyone stand their cruelty and vanity, their sadistic insistence and blackmail, their prevarication and deceit?

In truth, no one except their parents should have liked them. But, mysteriously, everyone does.

I like to think that children are always derided by everyone except their parents, says the narcissist.

There is something sickening and sickening in a mother's affections. There is a maddening blindness involved, an addiction, a psychotic episode, this sick, this bond. It's nauseous.

I hate children. I hate children for being me.

concludes the narcissist.

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Narcissist's Family

Narcissists perceive new family members, including siblings, children, and even pets, as threats to their narcissistic supply. They may belittle, hurt, or humiliate them, or retreat into an imaginary world of omnipotence. Some narcissists seek to manipulate new family members to monopolize attention and vicariously obtain narcissistic supply. As siblings or offspring grow older and become critical, the narcissist devalues and discards them, feeling stifled and trapped. The family disintegrates, and the cycle begins anew with the arrival of new family members.

Golden Child and Scapegoat Black Sheep: Narcissistic Parent's Projected Splitting

Narcissistic parents often cultivate their children as sources of narcissistic supply, with the golden child being idolized and the scapegoat child being neglected and even abused. This discriminatory behavior is due to the narcissistic parent's projected splitting, which involves the inability to integrate contradictory qualities of the same object into a coherent picture. The narcissistic parent splits their personality into good and bad traits and projects the good aspects onto the golden child while projecting the bad aspects onto the scapegoat child. This pattern of behavior becomes lifelong and can lead to emotional incest and even outright incest.

Narcissist Hates Happy People and Holidays

Holidays and birthdays are a difficult time for narcissists, as they provoke a stream of pathological envy. The narcissist is jealous of others for having a family, being able to celebrate lavishly, or being in the right mood. They hate humans because they are unable to be one and want to spoil it for those who can enjoy. Holidays remind the narcissist of their childhood, the supportive and loving family they never had, and what could have been.

Narcissist Hates His Disabled, Sick, and Challenged Children

Narcissistic parents of disabled or sick children may view their child as an insult to their self-perceived perfection and omnipotence, leading to devaluation and humiliation of both the child and their mother. Some children may develop narcissistic tendencies themselves, while others may regress to a phase of primary narcissism. Narcissistic parents of seriously ill children may also seek attention and praise from medical personnel, but this should be distinguished from Munchausen syndrome and Munchausen syndrome by proxy, which involve inducing illness or injury in a dependent for attention and sympathy. In all cases, the child is used as a prop and may be discarded when they become autonomous or critical.

Narcissist as Eternal Child

Narcissists often refuse to grow up and remain in a state of infantilization, avoiding adult responsibilities and functions. This is because remaining a child caters to their narcissistic needs and defenses. Narcissists are often envious of children and try to emulate them, as children are forgiven for narcissistic traits and behaviors that adults are not. By remaining a child, the narcissist can indulge in these behaviors and not be punished for them.

Narcissist Father: Save Your Child

Parents who are worried about their children becoming narcissists under the influence of a narcissistic parent should stop trying to insulate their children from the other parent's influence. Instead, they should make themselves available to their children and present themselves as a non-narcissistic role model. Narcissistic parents regard their children as a source of narcissistic supply and try to control their lives through guilt-driven, dependence-driven, goal-driven, and explicit mechanisms. The child is the ultimate secondary source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissistic parent tries to perpetuate the child's dependence using control mechanisms. The narcissistic parent tends to produce another narcissist in some of their children, but this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing, which encourages a

Prodigy Narcissist

Child prodigies are often dehumanized and instrumentalized by their parents, who see them as fulfilling their own dreams and wishes. This can lead to the child feeling entitled to special treatment and lacking in empathy, compassion, and social skills. As adults, they may become narcissistic and misjudge the extent of their accomplishments, leading to strained relationships with others. This creates a vicious cycle of hurt and resentment.

Narcissist: No Custody, No Children!

Parents diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder should be denied custody and granted only restricted rights of visitation and care under supervision, according to Professor Sam Vaknin. Narcissists regard children as sources of narcissistic supply and can be abusive, putting children at risk of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Narcissistic parents can also use control mechanisms to sustain the illusion that the child is a part of them, which can be emotionally turbulent for the child. The child is the ultimate secondary source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist's love is conditional upon the supply of narcissistic supply.

Some Giving is Wrong

Giving does not necessarily make people happy, as the style of giving is important. Ostentatious and transactional giving can create resentment in beneficiaries. True giving is hidden, unconditional, and comes from the heart, not the wallet. It is about helping others and is altruistic and empathic. All other forms of giving are manipulative and wrong and can result in adverse outcomes for the giver.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic mothers can have a significant impact on their adult daughters' relationships, with children of narcissistic parents being ill-adapted and prone to deploying psychological defense mechanisms. They can become co-dependent, needy, demanding, and submissive, fearing abandonment and displaying immature behaviors. Some children of narcissistic parents become inverted narcissists, craving relationships with narcissists, while others become counterdependent or even narcissists themselves. Narcissistic mothers micromanage their child's life and encourage dependent and infantile behaviors, emotionally blackmailing them and threatening to disinherit them if they do not comply with their wishes.

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