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Narcissist: Irresistible Charmer

Uploaded 8/16/2010, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The narcissist and the histrionic patient flaunt their sex appeal, their virility or femininity, their sexual prowess, their musculature, their physique, their training or athletic achievements.

The cerebral narcissist, on the other hand, seeks to enchant and entrance his audience with intellectual pyrotechnics.

Many narcissists of both types brag about their wealth, their health, possessions, collections, spouses, children, personal history, and family tree.

In short, the narcissist brags forth and drags about anything that would garner him attention and render him alluring.

Both types of narcissists, the somatic and the cerebral, firmly believe that being unique, they are entitled and deserve special treatment by others. They deploy their charm offensives in order to manipulate their nearest and nearest or even complete strangers.

And they use these people as instruments of gratification, as sources of narcissistic supply, tension, ejaculation, admiration. Exerting personal magnetism and charisma become ways of asserting control and ovulating other people's personal boundaries.

The pathological charmer feels superior to the person he captivates and fascinates. To him, charming someone means having power over her, controlling her, or even subjugating her. It is all a mind game intertwined with a power play.

The person to be thus enthralled and charmed is an object, a mere prop in the narcissist theater of life. He is of a dehumanized utility.

In some cases, pathological charm involves more than a grain of sadism. It provokes in the narcissist sexual arousal by inflicting the pain of subjugation on the beguiled who cannot help but be enchanted by him.

Counterintuitively, the pathological charmer engages in infantile magical thinking. He uses charm to help maintain object constancy and to fend off abandonment.

In other words, he uses charm to ensure that the person he has bewitched won't disappear on him suddenly.

Pathological charmers react with rage and aggression when their intended targets prove to be impervious and resistant to their lure.

This kind of narcissistic injury, being spurned and rebuffed, makes them feel threatened, rejected, and denuded. In other words, the rejected and denuded.

Being ignored amounts to a challenge to the narcissist uniqueness, entitlement, control, and superiority.

Narcissists wither without constant narcissistic supply. When their charm fails to elicit narcissistic supply, they feel announced, failures, non-existent, disintegrating, and even dead.

As is to be expected, they go to great lengths to secure narcissistic supply. It is only when their efforts are frustrated that the mask of civility and congeniality drops and reveals the true face of the narcissist, a predator on the prowl.

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Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.


Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.


People-pleasers and Pathological Charmers

People pleasers are often dishonest and manipulative, seeking to foster dependence in their beneficiaries. They use a range of coping strategies, including infantilization and self-sacrifice. People pleasers are a subset of pathological charmers, who are mostly narcissists. Pathological charmers use their charm to manipulate others and exert control, and feel threatened when their charm fails to elicit narcissistic supply.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Issues in Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists devalue their sources of supply for the very qualities that make them sources of supply in the first place. The narcissist resents his dependency on narcissistic supply and perceives intimacy and sex as a threat to his uniqueness. Narcissistic supply includes all forms of attention, both positive and negative, fame, notoriety, adulation, fear, applause, approval. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources when they have absolutely no other sources of supply at their disposal.


Narcissist's Certain Losses

Narcissists are obsessed with securing sources of supply, but once they have them, they lose interest and take them for granted. Many sources of supply eventually break free from the narcissist's grip, causing the narcissist to feel abandoned and lose control. However, when the loss is tangible, the narcissist regains his former zeal and embarks on a charm offensive to reacquire what was lost. Once the targets are reacquired, the narcissist reverts to his abusive and indifferent behavior until another round of losses and reanimation.


Narcissist's Dead Libido (ENGLISH responses)

Narcissists have no libido, as they are non-beings with no life force. The libido is a force of life, and while Freud initially had a negative view of it, Jung saw it as a positive force for creativity and inventiveness. Narcissists objectify people and see them as part of a supply chain, with no interest in the source beyond what they can extract from it. Their relationships with significant others are transactional, and their children are seen as future sources of supply rather than expressions of life.

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