Narcissist Never Sorry

Uploaded 11/15/2010, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Is the narcissist ever sorry for what he had done to others, for his victims?

The answer is that the narcissist sometimes feels bad. He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and dysphoric moods.

The narcissist goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders, sometimes experiences panic. It is not pleasant to be a narcissist, but the narcissist has a diminished capacity to empathize.

So he rarely feels sorry for what he had done or for his victims.

He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his victims.

Actually, the narcissist doesn't regard his victims as victims at all.

It is very common for the narcissist to feel that he had been victimized, deprived and discriminated against.

He projects his own moods, cognitions, emotions and actions, as well as his own frailties, weaknesses and shortcomings onto others.

He attributes to others that which he hates in himself.

Sure, the narcissist feels distressed because he is intelligent enough to realize that something is wrong with the circumstances of his life.

He compares himself to others and the outcome is sometimes not very favorable.

The narcissist's grandiosity is one of the defense mechanisms that the narcissist uses to cover up for this disagreeable state of things.

But the efficacy of the narcissist's grandiose fantasies and inflated false self is partial and intermittent.

The rest of the time when it's not working, the narcissist is immersed in self-loathing and self-pity.

He is under distress and duress most of his waking life.

In a vague way, the narcissist is also sorry for those upon whom he had inflicted the consequences of his personality disorder.

But this is only in a vague, diffused way. The narcissist knows that people around him are unhappy and he understands that it has something to do with him.

Mostly the narcissist uses even this state of things, unhappy people surrounding him, to aggrandize himself.

He says to himself, poor things, they can never fully understand me. They are so inferior, they try, but they fail.

And this exactly is the source of their unhappiness that they cannot be like me or at least grasp my grandeur.

It is no wonder that they are so depressed.

The narcissist puts himself at the center of their world, the center of the world of his closest nearest and dearest.

He thinks of himself as the axis around which everything and everyone revolves.

When confronted with major crisis, for instance, a traumatic divorce, financial entanglement, with emotion at work, the narcissist experiences real excruciating life-threatening pain.

This is the narcissist cold Turkey, his withdrawal of symptoms.

Narcissistic supply, like any other drug, is habit-forming, psychologically speaking. Its withdrawal has broad implications, all severely painful.

Only then, when the narcissist had hit rock bottom is the answer to our initial question.

Unqualified, unequivocal and unambiguous, yes, the narcissist is in pain, is devoid of his stream of adoration and other positive reinforcements and he is sorry for what he is and for what he had done.

But this is merely a fleeting moment. Within days, within weeks, within months, the narcissist recovers his former self, embarks on a new hunt for narcissistic supply, objectifies and dehumanizes everyone around him once again and never looks back and never feels sorry.

He is a hunter, a predator. They are the prey. This is the state of fame. This is the world. They better get used to it.

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Discontinuous Narcissist's Multiple Personas

Narcissists do not have criminal intent, but they do victimize, plunder, terrorize, and abuse others as a manifestation of their genuine character. The narcissist is a walking compilation of personalities, and each of these personalities has its personal history. The narcissist is unable to link his past acts or inaction with their outcomes in the present. The slicing of the narcissist's life is what stands behind the narcissist's apparent inability to predict the inevitable outcomes of his actions.

Narcissist: Your Pain is his Healing, Your Crucifixion - His Resurrection

Narcissists need their victims to suffer to regulate their own emotions and feel a sense of control. They keep a mental ledger of positive and negative behaviors, with negative behaviors weighing more heavily. Narcissists need counterfactual statements to maintain their delusion of being special and superior. The grandiosity gap is the major vulnerability of the narcissist, and they are often in denial about their limitations and failures.

Narcissist's Pain: Narcissism, Sadism, and Masochism

Narcissists experience a sense of relief after suffering emotionally, enduring a narcissistic injury, or sustaining a loss. This elation is so addictive that the narcissist often seeks pain, humiliation, punishment, scorn, and contempt. The narcissist is also a sadist, albeit a bit of an unusual sadist. The narcissist pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and then empathically soothing the resulting pain.

How Narcissist Experiences/Reacts to No Contact, Grey Rock, Mirroring, Coping, Survival Techniques

Narcissists are victims of post-traumatic conditions caused by their parents, leading to ontological insecurity, dissociation, and confabulation. They have no core identity and construct their sense of self by reflecting themselves from other people. Narcissists have empathy, but it is cold empathy, which is goal-oriented and used to find vulnerabilities to obtain goals. Narcissism becomes a religion when a child is abused by their parents, particularly their mother, and not allowed to develop their own boundaries. The false self demands human sacrifice, and the narcissist must sacrifice others to the false self to gratify and satisfy it.

Narcissist's Routines

Narcissists have a series of routines that are developed through rote learning and repetitive patterns of experience. These routines are used to reduce anxiety and transform the world into a manageable and controllable one. The narcissist is a creature of habit and finds change unsettling. The narcissist's routines are often broken down when they are breached or can no longer be defended, leading to a narcissistic injury.

Predator Narcissist: YOU are the Prey!

Narcissists have the ability to see through other people's emotional shields and know when they are deviating from the truth. They can intuitively grasp other people's self-interested goals and accurately predict their strategies and tactics. Narcissists can't stand self-important, self-inflated, pompous, vigorous, self-righteous, sanctimonious, and hypocritical people because they recognize themselves in them. They expose people's vulnerabilities and force them to confront their true selves, their dead-end careers, their mundane lives, the death of their hopes and dreams and wishes, their shattered illusions.

Narcissist's Immunity

Narcissists possess magical thinking and narcissistic immunity, which is the erroneous feeling that they are immune to the consequences of their actions. The sources of this fantastic misappraisal of situations and chains of events are the false self, a sense of entitlement, the narcissist's ability to manipulate their human environment, and the narcissist's inability to empathize. Narcissists are convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny and are pathologically envious of people, projecting their aggression onto them. When required to account for their misdeeds, the narcissist is always distainful, bitter, and resentful.

Gullible Narcissist Victimized and Abused

Narcissists are more gullible than the average person because they live in a fantasy world of their own making, where they are at the center of the universe. They are prone to magical thinking and believe they are immune to the consequences of their actions. Narcissists feel entitled to everything and are easily duped, cheated, and deceived. They attract abuse and are often targeted by stalkers and persecutors, usually mentally ill people who develop a fixation on the narcissist.

Indifferent Narcissist

Narcissists lack empathy and are only interested in people as instruments of gratification. They lose interest in people who cannot provide them with narcissistic supply and proceed to devalue and discard them. The narcissist's emotional and physical absence from relationships is a form of aggression and defense against their own repressed feelings. Narcissism is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder that got ossified and fixated and mutated into a personality disorder.

Narcissist in Court and Litigation

Narcissists are skilled at distorting reality and presenting plausible alternative scenarios, making it difficult to expose their lies in court. However, it is possible to break a narcissist by finding their weak spots and using them to inflict pain. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to any statement that contradicts their inflated perception of themselves or suggests they are not special. They feel entitled to be treated differently from others and cannot tolerate criticism or being told they are not as intelligent or successful as they think they are.

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