My name is Sam Vaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
We all agree that narcissists lack impulse control, they are not entirely responsible for their actions or at least in control of these actions.
So, should we judge the narcissist, should we get angry at him, be upset by him, should we communicate to him our displeasure, should we punish him?
But the answer is that the narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his human environment.
The narcissist is very perceptive, is very sensitive to the subtlest nuances. I call it cold empathy as opposed to typical warm empathy that most people have.
Narcissist has x-ray vision, he can penetrate through defenses, spot chinks and vulnerabilities and home in on them. So, he knows others and he knows to tell right from wrong. He has to be that way.
The very integrity of his personality depends upon input from others, so he has to know them well.
But the narcissist does not care about others. He is unable to empathize. He does not fully experience the outcomes of his deeds or misdeeds and his decisions.
For him, people are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable, interchangeable. They are there to fulfill a function, to supply him with narcissistic supply, adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation or in the absence of these other types of attention even being feared.
People do not have an existence apart from carrying out their duties to the narcissist. They are functions, they are instruments, machines and tools of gratification and nothing else.
True, it is the disposition of the narcissist to treat humans in the inhuman way that he does.
However, this propensity is absolutely under control. The narcissist has a choice. He just doesn't think anyone is worth making it. He doesn't care enough to opt for the good and not for the evil. He doesn't mind other people. He doesn't pay attention to them. He doesn't cater to the needs, preferences, wishes and emotions.
It is a fact that the narcissist can behave completely differently under identical circumstances depending on who else is involved in the situation. The narcissist is not likely, for instance, to be enraged by the behavior of an important person, someone who can provide him with narcissistic supply.
But he might become absolutely violent with his nearest and dearest under the very same set of circumstances, same behavior, same words, different reactions.
This implies the existence of a choice. This is because his nearest and dearest, his closest, those he inflicts abuse upon, those who threaten him with intimacy, they are captives. They do not have to be won over. They do not have to be cajoled. They do not have to be flattered, courted.
The narcissist supply coming from them is taken for granted so they can safely be abused and treated aggressively.
Being a narcissist does not exempt the patient from being a human being. A person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder must be subjected to the same moral treatment and judgment as the rest of us, less privileged persons.
The courts do not recognize narcissistic personality disorder as a mitigating circumstance, let alone an insanity defense.
So why should we?
Treating the narcissist in a unique manner, especially, will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose fantastic image the narcissist has of himself and by encouraging his tendency to feel entitled to special treatment.
We should discourage pathological narcissism, not play along with it.