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Narcissist: The Impulse to Be Perfect (Fear of Failure and Success)

Uploaded 3/31/2013, approx. 5 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited.

Most people who fear failure try hard not to fail.

Since, as we have shown, not failing amounts to failing to succeed, such people equally dread success and therefore try not to succeed.

They opt, in other words, for mediocrity. Not a failure, but not a success.

In order to not succeed, one needs to not apply oneself to one's tasks or to not embark on new ventures and other dakings.

Often, such avoidant and constricted behaviors are not a matter of choice, but the outcomes of inner, very strong psychological dynamics that compel them.

Narcissists cannot tell the difference between freewill choices and irresistible compulsions, because they regard themselves as omnipotent and therefore not subject to any forces, external or internal, greater than their own willpower.

Narcissists tend to claim that both their successes and their failures are exclusively the inevitable and predictable outcomes of their choices and decisions. No other force is involved except the narcissist.


Okay, the preference to not fail is trivial. No one wants to fail.

But why the propensity to not succeed? It's crucial to understand that not succeeding actually abates the fear of failure. After all, a one-time success calls for increasingly more unattainable repeat performances.

Success just means that one has got more to lose, more ways to fail.

Deliberately not succeeding also buttresses the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, because he is able to say, Iand only I, choose to what extent and whether I succeed or fail.

Similarly, the narcissist's grandiose conviction that he is perfect is supported by his self-inflicted lack of success, because he can tell himself, I could have succeeded had I only chose to and applied myself to it. Better to fantasize than to test this theory in reality.

The narcissist always says, I elect not to manifest my perfection by a success. I could have been a success if I really wanted to.

Indeed, as a philosopher, Benedict Spinoza observed, perfect beings have no wants and no needs. They don't have to try and prove anything. They are perfect.

In an imperfect world, such as ours is, the mere continued existence of a perfect being constitutes a success. I cannot fail as long as I merely survive.

It's the perfect entity's narcissist's motto.

Many narcissistic defenses, traits and behaviors revolve around this compulsive need to sustain a grandiose self-image of perfection, colloquially known as perfectionism.

Colloquially, deficient impulse control, inability to control one's impulses, helps achieve this crucial goal.

Impulsive actions and addictive behaviors render failure impossible, as they suggest a lack of premeditation and planning.

If you don't plan anything, if you don't premeditate, you can't fail.

Moreover, to the narcissistic patient, these kinds of decisions and deeds feel imminent and intuitive, an emanation of his core self.

The true expression of his quiddity is being, his essence.

This association of the patient's implied uniqueness with the exuberance and elation of involved in impulsive and addictive acts is intoxicating. It also offers support to the narcissist's view of himself as superior, invincible and immune to the consequences of his actions.

So, when the narcissist gambles compulsively, shops, drives recklessly or abuses substances, he feels godlike and thoroughly happy, at least for a fraction of the same.

Instant gratification, the infinitesimal delay between volition and desire and fulfillment. This small delay, short delay, enhances this overpowering sense of omnipotence.

The patient, the narcissist, inhabits an eternal present, actively suppressing the reasoned anticipation of the future consequences of his own actions.

Failure is an artifact of a future tense. You anticipate failure, you start something in the present and you fail in the future.

In the absence of such a horizon, in the absence of a future tense, success is invariably guarantee or at least imply.

Some narcissists, admittedly, are egodystonic. They loathe their lack of self-control. They berate themselves for their self-defeating profligacy and self-destructive immaturity.

But even then, their very ability to carry out the impulsive or addictive feat is, by definition, a success. If you succeed to gamble, succeed to shop, succeed to drive recklessly, you succeed. You are a success. The patient is accomplished at behaving irresponsibly and erratically. His labile self-ruination is his forte and his achievement as he masterfully navigates his own apocalyptic path to doom.

Even by failing to control his irresistible impulses and by succumbing to his addictions, is this kind of narcissistic patient able to act at all, otherwise it is paralyzed. His submission to these internal higher powers provides him with the perfect substitute to a constructive, productive, stable, truly satisfactory engagement with the world at all.

Thus, even when he is angry at himself, the narcissist castigates the ominous success of his dissolute ways, not his own failure.

He says, I am very good at destroying myself. I am very good at defeating my own purposes and goals.

But there is this sentence, I am very good at. I am a success at.

The narcissist's rage is displaced. Rather than confront his avoidant misconduct, he tries to cope with the symptoms of his underlying or pervasive and pernicious psychodynamics.

Ironically, it is this ineluctable failure of his life as a whole that endows the narcissist with a feeling of self-control. He is the one who brings about his own demise, inexorably but knowingly.

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Self-handicapping is a strategy not exclusive to narcissists; it can also be employed by individuals with fears of failure, success, or perfectionism. The fear of success often stems from low self-esteem and the belief that success is accidental, leading to feelings of inadequacy and the imposter syndrome. Additionally, success can provoke anxieties related to social isolation, envy from others, and increased responsibilities, which may deter individuals from pursuing it. Through psychological methods, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, it is possible to reshape negative schemas and enhance self-efficacy, allowing individuals to view success as a positive reinforcement rather than a threat.


Loser Narcissist: Failure as Success

Narcissists are often anxious about their performance and feel like frauds, which leads them to be comfortable in their failures. They become experts at floundering and are adept at the art of blundering. They use projective identification to coerce people around them to help them fail and recreate their spectacular downfalls. Being a loser becomes an identity, and they are proud of their mishaps with fortune and institutions.


Narcissist Reacts to Criticism, Disagreement, Disapproval

Narcissists are hypervigilant and perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical comment as complete and humiliating rejection. They react defensively, becoming indignant, aggressive, and cold. The narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement and criticism on himself by holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant. When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation become public, the narcissist tends to regard them as narcissistic supply.


Narcissistic Boss or Employer: Coping and Survival Tactics

Narcissistic bosses view their employees solely as sources of admiration and validation, expecting them to mirror their grandiosity without developing their own identities. When employees assert independence or challenge the narcissist's self-image, they risk severe backlash, including termination, as the narcissist perceives any hint of equality as a threat. The narcissist's need for constant validation leads to a cycle of idealization followed by devaluation, where new employees are initially praised but later taken for granted. To navigate this toxic environment, employees should avoid disagreement, refrain from intimacy, and consistently flatter the narcissist to maintain their position and minimize conflict.


Narcissistic Mortification: From Shame to Healing via Trauma, Fear, and Guilt

Narcissistic mortification occurs when a narcissist is confronted with the reality of their imperfections, leading to feelings of defeat and terror as their false self crumbles. This experience is often triggered by external challenges or criticisms that clash with their idealized self-image, resulting in a disorienting realization of their limitations. The narcissist may respond to this mortification through various defense mechanisms, such as grandiosity or aggression, as they struggle to regain a sense of control and avoid facing their true self. Ultimately, mortification can serve as a potential catalyst for healing, as it forces the narcissist to confront their condition and the possibility of reintegrating with their true self.


When the Narcissist's Parents Die

The death of a narcissist's parents can be a complicated experience. The narcissist has a mixed reaction to their passing, feeling both elation and grief. The parents are often the source of the narcissist's trauma and continue to haunt them long after they die. The death of the parents also represents a loss of a reliable source of narcissistic supply, which can lead to severe depression. Additionally, the narcissist's unfinished business with their parents can lead to unresolved conflicts and pressure that deforms their personality.


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