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Narcissist and Victim: Daddy or Mommy Issues? (See link in description)

Uploaded 9/4/2023, approx. 4 minute read

My principle of the dual mothership in the Narcissist shared fantasy says that the narcissist and his intimate partner or friend or colleague doesn't matter.

The narcissist and the partner in the shared fantasy convert each other into maternal figures in the search for unconditional love and acceptance.

It's like having a second childhood, a chance at getting things right, finally having failed in the original childhood.

But wait a minute, many of you asked me, where is daddy in all this? Where's the father? What is the father's role?

Well, fathers, of course, are very important in personal development and growth, but at a much later stage after age three years.

Mothers are the critical figures between zero and three years old.

When I say mother, let it be clear. It's anyone in the child's life, in the infant's life, anyone who fulfills a maternal role, anyone who is the primary caregiver, the primary object could be a grandfather, grandmother could be a neighbor in the absence of a mother of a functioning mother.

When the mother is what is called in psychology, a dead mother, absent, selfish, sick, instrumentalizing, abusive, whatever, when the mother is not there, there's always another person, very often another person, who takes over the maternal role.

And that person is the mother I'm referring to.

The narcissist and his intimate partner try to find in each other this maternal figure in order to resolve conflicts of early childhood that remain open.

And this is known as repetition compulsion.

Father comes into the picture much later. Father is what is known as a socialization agent. Father brings into the picture society, its edicts, its expectations, its scripts, its beliefs, its values and its injunctions.

Now, everyone can have daddy issues, men and women alike, people with mental health disorders such as borderline personality disorder and people who are completely healthy. Anyone and everyone can have daddy issues.

When a woman has daddy issues, when she has unresolved conflicts or problems with her father, she is later in life when she becomes an adult, she seeks care, protection, approval, acceptance, understanding, support, validation, adoration, attention, worship. She seeks someone to tell her what reality is known as reality testing and unconditional love.

Now, we all are looking for these things, but women with daddy issues are looking for these things in a man who is much older and resembles a father figure.

Men with daddy issues are looking for, believe it or not, pampering, safety, guidance, instruction, discipline, regulation of sense of self worth, grandiosity and unconditional love. These are dispersants and tenets of daddy issues.

In both gender, a father who is dysfunctional, who is remote, who is cold, who is distant, who is rejecting, a dead father, so to speak, affects the process of socialization, acculturation and the regulation of anxiety. A dead mother, on the other hand, does not allow the child to separate from her and to become an individual.

So these are two distinct classes of problems.

When the mother is problematic, dysfunctional, instrumentalizes the child, treats the child as an extension, there's a problem with separation, individuation.

The child has never become a person and the child would go through life seeking to recreate and reenact the relationship with his mother so as to allow himself to separate and to individuate.

Hence, the repetitive patterns in relationships with narcissists, idealization, devaluation, discard.

Now, when the father is the problem, there will be an attempt to recreate a father figure who would stand in for society, would bring the world into the person.

So, in both cases, we are talking about situations where the father or the mother, the original ones, the biological ones, have failed to act as fathers or mothers.

And the opposite is also true when the child is pedestalized, idolized, pampered, smothered.

When the child experiences emotional incest, when the relationship is disproportionately and inappropriately closed with father or with mother, all this induces the same outcomes.

Now, people with daddy issues can simultaneously have mommy issues. Narcissists, for example, they have mommy issues, so they are looking to convert their intimate partners into mothers and then separate from these mothers, newly found mothers.

But many narcissists also have daddy issues and they would tend to be fawning and people pleasing to a figure who is authoritative and father-like, avuncular, if you wish.

So, they would go through life looking for both a maternal figure and a paternal figure, a substitute mother and a substitute father.

Do not conflate and confuse these issues. They are not the same.

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The Narcissist Betrayal Fantasy is a strategy used by narcissists to get rid of their intimate partners by pushing them to cheat or betray them. This allows the narcissist to maintain the high moral ground and dissolve the shared fantasy, which is highly addictive and difficult to break. The narcissist experiences pain in the form of narcissistic injury or mortification due to the misinterpretation of their actions by others, but this short-term cost is outweighed by the long-term benefits of a victimhood narrative. This strategy is also applied in other relationships, such as friendships and work collaborations, by engineering situations that set people up for failure and then pointing to their misbehavior as justification for ending the relationship.


Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl? (Compilation)

The principle of the dual mothership in a narcissist's shared fantasy posits that narcissists and their partners seek maternal figures in each other to fulfill unmet childhood needs for unconditional love and acceptance, often leading to a repetition compulsion. The father's role, while crucial in later development, is secondary to the mother's influence in the early years, as the mother is the primary caregiver and the one who shapes the child's initial sense of self. Dysfunctional father figures, such as absent, critical, or emotionally unstable fathers, exacerbate the narcissistic traits developed from a problematic maternal relationship, leading to a complex interplay of attachment issues and identity disturbances. Ultimately, both maternal and paternal dysfunctions contribute to the formation of narcissistic personalities, with the father serving as a socialization agent who can either mitigate or amplify the child's narcissism.


Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic mothers often fail to recognize their daughters' autonomy, treating them as extensions of themselves and conditioning their love on the daughters' compliance and performance. This dynamic leads to insecurity and co-dependency in the daughters, who may feel they must earn love and fear abandonment in their adult relationships. As adults, these daughters may perpetuate unhealthy patterns, remaining in toxic relationships and sometimes becoming inverted narcissists who exclusively seek out narcissistic partners. Alternatively, some may develop counterdependent traits, rejecting authority and intimacy while projecting an image of self-sufficiency and superiority.


When YOU Discard the Narcissist FIRST

When a person discards a narcissist before they have the chance to devalue and discard them, it can lead to either narcissistic injury or narcissistic mortification, with the latter having more severe and lasting effects. The narcissist may perceive the discarding individual as a rejecting maternal figure, triggering re-traumatization and potentially leading to emotional dysregulation or reckless behavior. Following the discard, the narcissist experiences separation anxiety and seeks to restore object constancy by either hovering or stalking the individual, attempting to reconcile the dissonance between their internal representation and reality. Ultimately, the narcissist may reframe the situation to maintain their self-image, either by claiming they caused the breakup or by portraying the other person as malicious, while simultaneously seeking a replacement to fulfill their disrupted shared fantasy.


Parent Your Orphaned Self After Narcissistic Abuse

The dual mothership principle describes how a narcissist attempts to transform their partner into a maternal figure while simultaneously idealizing them, leading to a complex emotional bond. When the relationship ends, the partner often feels orphaned, as the narcissist's internalized image of them remains intact, causing a profound sense of loss for the partner. To cope with this feeling, individuals are encouraged to engage in self-parenting, which involves seeing themselves, creating boundaries, and developing self-love grounded in reality rather than the idealized image fostered by the narcissist. Ultimately, the process of self-discovery and re-socialization is essential for healing and preventing future entanglements with narcissistic individuals.


Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.


Mortified Narcissist Hoovers YOU to Self-soothe

Mortification in narcissists occurs when their psychological defense mechanisms collapse, leading to a state of decompensation where they experience intense emotional pain and dysregulation. This process can result in two responses: external mortification, where the narcissist blames others and adopts a victim mentality, or internal mortification, where they accept responsibility for their situation, both of which can lead to depression or neurosis. Hoovering is a behavior that arises from this mortification, as the narcissist seeks to restore their grandiosity by re-establishing a connection with a former partner, often as a means of punishment or conditioning. Ultimately, both mortification and hoovering highlight the fragile nature of the narcissist's self-image and their reliance on external validation to maintain their sense of superiority.


7 Phases of Shared Fantasy: Narcissist Needs YOU to Make Him Great Again

The conceptual framework explains the erratic behaviors of narcissists towards their intimate partners through the lens of shared fantasy, a space where they can safely re-experience childhood trauma. This process involves multiple stages, starting with co-idealization, where the narcissist idealizes their partner to reinforce their own self-image, followed by dual mothership, where the partner is positioned as a maternal figure. As the narcissist attempts to separate from this figure, they experience narcissistic injury, leading to devaluation of the partner and their internal representation, which creates a conflict between their grandiosity and the need to discard. Ultimately, the narcissist may attempt to hoover their partner back into their life to re-idealize them and alleviate the anxiety caused by the devaluation of their internal object, but this cycle continues until they experience a significant event like mortification, which disrupts their previous patterns.

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