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Narcissist's Painful Mother Redux (ENGLISH responses)

Uploaded 3/10/2020, approx. 11 minute read

Hi, and welcome to Non-corporeal discipline, discipline doesn't involve the body, It's a slightly different function, but not very different.

It's simply another way of getting to intimacy, love and pain, by infantilizing, by becoming a child.

So one way is to remain an adult and to have a relationship with a woman. It's a relationship, even if it's one hour. It's an intimate relationship because the man undresses.

So to remain an adult and to have a relationship, sexual relationship, with a woman, but involving clear abuse, spanking, for example, clear abuse and so on, and that leads to a feeling of intimacy and love through the pain.

Pain is the conduit.

This is one way of doing it, by remaining an adult.

Another way of doing it is going back to the period that you were a child and experiencing a clear abuse and so on, but this time from mother.

The first case of spanking is not from mother. It's from a woman.

The second case is from mother, or mother figure, or from mother, and there it also creates pain.

Again, the abuse is disabiguated. The abuse becomes clear.

And so the certainty is high. The anxiety goes down.

There is a feeling of intimacy and love because mother is doing this, mother figure, love and intimacy and so on, but of course it brings back all the original feelings of the child.

It's like Marcel Proust in his famous book, Remembrance of Things Past. It's the longest book ever written.

Remembrance of Things Past is 4,000 pages and it starts.

The protagonist, the hero of the book, is passing, and there is a smell of baked cookies. The smell of the baked cookies, Madeleine's, the smell of the baked cookies brings back all his childhood to him.

So it's the same here.

The non-corporeal punishment brings back all the childhood, but this childhood is a bad childhood, not good.

One of the dominant themes in this childhood was a sense of helplessness, which created a lot of shame. Shame is a reaction not to something that we had done wrong. Shame is a reaction to our helplessness.

When we do something wrong to other people, we feel helpless because we know we should not have done it, and if we did it means we are weak.

So if I kill you, maybe I will be ashamed, but I will not be ashamed that I killed you. I will be ashamed that I was so weak that I killed you.

It's the helplessness that creates shame.

So the child is super helpless, a child that becomes a narcissist, super helpless.

When you bring him back, regress him to that phase, all the shame erupts, same emotions. These are Shemas.

Shema is cognition, emotion, belief, together. You can't just feel emotion. Everything comes back together.

So this is known as trigger.

This kind of discipline is triggering. It's a form of controlled triggering.

You trigger the narcissist to regress to childhood and to experience all the feelings during that period.

And no, it's not cathartic and doesn't have beneficial effects in my view. I'm pretty much against this because this is really playing with fire.

The narcissist created narcissism for good reason. His childhood was threatening, very dangerous.

In effect, this is kind of Cold Therapy, in effect. We're re-traumatizing the narcissist in a mini way and taking it back to each childhood with all the emotions that are coming and so on.

But in the wrong hands or it could go out of control. I mean, this is a dangerous game.

About your reason, why does it do it? Why to do it? Why the narcissist does it?

This is a way of experiencing the same, like the spanking. This is a way of re-experiencing love, intimacy through pain.

But it's a dangerous way to experience.

It looks less dangerous than spanking, but it's not true.

It's not true.

You go through a life of….

Whenever the narcissist places himself in submission, in an attempt to recapture the love and intimacy of his childhood via pain, in his childhood he was loved and experienced intimacy with important female mother, only when there was pain, all encounters with mother were painful, one way or another.

Even when mother was nice and so on and so forth, the contrast with other behavior was painful.

So there's no interaction that the narcissist had with his mother was not painful.

So they tried to recapture only when there was pain, all encounters with mother were painful, one way or another.

Even when mother was nice and so on and so forth, the contrast with other behavior was painful.

So there's no interaction that the narcissist had with his mother was not painful.

So they tried to recapture the love and intimacy which was oceanic love and intimacy because mother's love is infinite and conditional, not like other woman's love is, total love, infinite love.

So he tries to recapture this, he thinks, primitively, he thinks like this, he thinks, if love and intimacy when I was a child were connected to pain, maybe if I will experience pain, I will experience love and intimacy, like reverse engineering.

If A lead to B, maybe B will lead to A, reverse engineering.

So he tries to reverse engineer the process.

But as we said, when he regresses to these stages via submission and so on, he also experiences all the emotions which were connected to these stages and come up.

And the most dominant one was probably shame at his helplessness.

A lot of anger at the parent, but this anger could not be felt.

Children are not allowed to be angry at the parent.

So instead this anger was internalized.

He did not allow himself to externalize his anger to the abusive parent.

He internalized the anger.

And of course internalized anger is a good definition of depression.

So the child was depressive on the one hand, and on the other hand experienced severe shame because he was not able to help himself with his helplessness.

And these emotions come up during submission, discipline and so on.

This is why extremely few narcissists, if any, are subs.

Because in the general population, actually majority are subs. In the 15% of population in the United States which practice BDSM, majority are subs, not domes.

Domes are pretty few.

But narcissism is exactly opposite.

Majority are domes, extremely few are subs.

Because to be sub is life threatening. It's to experience such extreme shame and such extreme depression that could easily lead to suicidal ideation and so on.

At that point the narcissist needs to isolate himself.

And you can ask yourself why?

Because of the risk that he will not be able to obtain narcissistic supply.

He is anyhow in very bad shape.

He has experienced shame, he has experienced depression.

If he also goes out to the world and is rejected and cannot obtain supply, he will then die. He will commit suicide. He knows it.

So he is removing the only source of anxiety and only source of collapse and failure. He is removing that by isolating himself.

So that he can cope somehow with the shame and depression.

Paradoxically or ironically or whatever, after some period of isolation, schizoid phase, the narcissist then wakes up and seeks narcissistic supply, needs supply.

So he goes out.

So narcissists have these cycles.

They experience shame and humiliation, especially those who practice submission or involved in discipline. They experience shame and humiliation.

Then they withdraw, avoid them, they become schizoid.

But then they become super social, gregarious it's called. They become super social because they play the numbers game. They meet millions of people in order to find some source, some supply.

And that goes for the somatic as well.

The somatic experiences shame and humiliation, isolates himself.

And then he goes out and then he simultaneously sleeps with 20 women.

And we have these periods of hunger and gluttony. Abstinence and insurable and in somatic.

Very dysregulated.

And by lot of narcissist tells us that have a nice childhood, beautiful childhood.

No narcissist has a beautiful childhood.

No such thing.

Simply no such thing.

What they identify as beautiful childhood was very abusive.

So I explained yesterday, for example, a mother who spoils her child is abusing him. A mother who expects great things from her child is abusing him. A mother who forces her child to realize the mother's unfulfilled dreams is abusing the child.

These are all forms of abuse, but the child will not experience it, is abused. Child will experience it.

I was my mother's favorite child. I was the golden child. I was always loved. It's not true. It's instrumentalization of the child. It's objectification of the child. It's using the child for the parents gratification. It's not allowing the child to separate from the parent.

And indeed, these kind of parents are abnormally involved in the life of the child. And after that, as adults.

And they also blackmailed the child as adults. So they would force the child to visit them, to take care of them.

And the child has symbiotic, symbiosis with such parents. They die or he dies. And partners of such narcissists find it extremely difficult. He's actually married to his mother.

And so the relationship looks close and warm and loving and pathetic. But actually, it's very, very sick, very abusive, very sick.

The child is not allowed to separate, to become individual. Mother, good mother has only one role, to push the child away. Nothing else. Not education, not love.

This is all very important, but number two.

Her main role, mother, good mother main role, is to stop being a mother. To push the child. To start his own life without her separately as individual. And then to make the choice if he wants to stay in touch or not.

And many, many mothers find it extremely difficult.

When the child separates, every time he separates, they are in total depression. They are, they are.

And they sometimes unconsciously or subliminally or subtly sending signals.

Come back to me, come back to me. Don't go away. They don't.

So for example, they would continue to make laundry for him. You know?

It's a subtle signal. You need me. I'm in your life. I will never leave you. The signal.

Or they can tell the child, why do you need to rent an apartment? Stay here. I'll give you a room. You have your key. You have your stairs. I will not bother you. You can do anything you want. But stay here.

These are all ways of keeping the child as hostile. And of course, such a child will say, what a wonderful mother I have. See what a wonderful mother I have? What are you talking about? I had bad childhood, never.

My mother loved me more than anything in the world. To this very day, she makes laundry. To this very day, she makes my food. To this very day, she cleans my room.

I mean, what bigger love than this can be? It's totally sick. It's pathological. It's abuse.

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