Self Supply, Collapsed Source Of Narcissistic Supply

Uploaded 10/13/2020, approx. 38 minute read

Today, I am having a Donald Duck moment. Or is it a Donald Trump moment?

Lately, I and the rest of the world am not so sure. At any rate, today we have a Cornucopia.

Many interesting and fascinating things from all corners of cyberspace, plus a central theme, a central topic. And then this will be followed by quotes from books as had become a tradition.

My new Instagram channel is called Narcissism with Vaknin. One word, Narcissism with Vaknin. That's my new channel because my old channel has been blocked by Facebook.

And I've been asked on this channel, I've been asked by one of my followers, why did you delete your Jerry Springer video? I thought it was honest and ballsy.

Well, first of all, I did not delete it. I had moved it to the playlist section. All the videos you think, well, most of the videos you think had disappeared because YouTube had deleted a few of my videos. Haters complained about hate speech and other things and YouTube had deleted a few of my videos.

But all those who survived and you can't find them on the main screen, they are in the playlist.

There are seven or eight, I don't remember, nine playlists on my YouTube channel. Just go there and you will find the missing videos.

Okay. Scan the page, you will find it. Playlists are mentioned in a variety of places.


But what struck my interest in her comment was the use of the word ballsy. She connected honesty with courage.

And I wrote back to her, ballsy is a peculiar choice of words to describe an infantile non-man. And she responded, well, it takes courage to be that honest with strangers and with yourself, also known as ballsy.

And my response was, you're confusing courage with impulsive recklessness.

An infantile narcissist is never courageous. He's just oblivious. He's indifferent to the consequences of his actions. Sometimes if he's antisocial, he's defiant. Also, if you hold people in contempt, if you don't care what they think about you, it takes no courage to be honest and open. The potential consequences, the court of public opinion, don't matter.

Finally, negative supply is preferable to no supply. The narcissist will go to any length and distance, even self-degradation, even self-humiliation, even self-destruction, self-shaming and self-trashing in public in order to secure supply.

You can see this on the Jerry Springer show in dollops. The C word here is not courage. It's compulsion. The narcissist can't help it.

Okay. Today, later, the second half of the video, I'm going to read to you book excerpts from three books. One of the excerpts will provide a very unusual view of empathy.

The second excerpt, that's Martin Luther King, Jr., about love, what he had to say about love.

And the third excerpt is about fear. And now we had become a culture of fear, risk averse, danger averse, thrill averse, novelty averse, how we cocoon ourselves and how we socially distance long before the age of the pandemic. Fear had become the defining motivating factor in our civilization.

But before we go all there, I want to read to you a surprising quote. It's from a book called Cattle Kingdom. Cattle Kingdom, the hidden history, the hidden history of the cowboy west. It was written by Christopher Knowlton, and it was published in 2017. And there's a sentence there caught my eye.

The longhorn bull was notoriously ornery, sullen, morose, solitary, and pugnacious. As one cattleman put it, the longer he lived, the meaner he became.

I thought this applies to the longhorn bull, as well as one of our acquaintances, the narcissist. I've been asked, aren't you ashamed to not be a man? Aren't you ashamed to admit in public that you're not a man?

And to this I responded, aren't you ashamed to not be an astrophysicist? Aren't you devastated by the fact that you're not a psychologist?

I am both. I learned to be both. I acquired the skill set of an astrophysicist and the skill set of a psychologist. You didn't. Aren't you ashamed of it?

I didn't learn to be a man. You did. Should I be ashamed of it?

To be a man is to play a role known as gender role. It's to act in a highly specific manner, according to a script provided by society and the culture we're embedded in.

So they teach you in college or university to be a physicist, to be a medical doctor, to be a psychologist, and at home much earlier they teach you to be a man, if you're lucky or unlucky.

I'm not sure anymore. I had been taught from age four to read, to write. I finished devouring my first encyclopedia at age seven. 30 volumes almost.

So I didn't have time to learn how to be a man. And I don't play this role well.

I also, I have another shameful, disgraceful disclosure. I don't play football. I don't play baseball. And you know why?

Because no one taught me how. I don't drive. I don't do many things.

I'm not a father. I don't have children. Why should I be ashamed of any of this?

On the other hand, you can only dream, can only dream of to do what I'm doing. I have so many skills that you can only dream to possess.

And yet I don't shame you for not being a physicist, for not being a psychologist, for not being a medical doctor. Why are you shaming me? Trying to shame you for not being a man.

Response to another missive.

I want to explain to that eternal professional victim. She was very proud of the fact that she's a victim, that she'd been purely victimized, that she can't find any fault in herself, any fault in her behavior. She is the utter, perfect, unadulterated victim.

So I want to tell you something.

To refuse to victimize is also to victimize.

Some victims are so invested in their victimhood, it had become a determinant of their identity.

And if you refuse to victimize them, they resent it. They consider it abusive.

To refuse to victimize them is to victimize them.

So they sublimate it, they convert it somehow, they tell you, you don't pay me any attention.

Some victims consider even negative attention, like physical abuse, verbal abuse, as a form of caring, as a form of sharing, as a tenuous connection. And when it's absent, they regard themselves as having been rejected, having been abandoned.

Abuse is what assures them and reassures them that they have a place in their intimate partner's lives.

They complain that the partner doesn't read, doesn't read, she complains that the partner didn't treat her mind, didn't foresee her needs, was not sensitive enough. She complains that he didn't pay her any attention.

And when you go through the letter, the email, you realize she's talking about negative attention. She complains of gaslighting because he refused to accept her version of reality. Projective identification and introjective identification are techniques used by perpetual, professional, proud victims to force other people to abuse and victimize them.


Because they love to be victimized. They feel good only when they feel bad. Victimhood abuse is their comfort zone.

They had been conditioned from early childhood to identify abuse with love, to identify victimhood with care, to identify battering with attention.

So pay attention, search your souls. Are you this type of victim?


Lydia Rangelovska, in one of our endless exchanges, suggested a new concept which I found very, very fascinating.

She said, the same way a narcissist collapses and the same way a histrionic collapses, the same way perhaps a borderline collapses, sources of narcissistic supply can also collapse. Sources of narcissistic supply can suddenly stop providing narcissistic supply. They can turn off the faucet. They can go away. They can break up. They can absent themselves emotionally or physically or both. And at that moment, they stop providing the narcissist with what he needs most, secondary supply. We'll talk about it in a minute. And they become collapsed sources of narcissistic supply.

And it occurred to me that Rangelovska's innovation, because it's a totally new concept to the best of my ability, Rangelovska's innovation fits well with the collapse of other elements in the narcissist's eternal quest for the holy grail of narcissistic supply.

The source of supply can collapse, as Rangelovska had suggested, but also the pathological narcissistic space can collapse. Sources of primary supply can collapse. Intimate partners are sources of secondary supply, never primary supply. Sources of primary supply can collapse.

And how does the narcissist cope with this?

He copes with this via something called auto supply or self supply. He uses auto supply or self supply to create an equilibrium.

Let me give you a simile or in some ways a metaphor.

Those of you who remember your school days, if you had studied physics, I don't know in Europe, physics is mandatory. I don't know in the United States with what's left of the education system, if physics is mandatory.

But we were taught about communicating vessels. Communicating vessels are containers, containers which are interconnected with pipes. And when you fill one of them with fluid, the fluid goes through the pipes to the other containers. And the level of the fluid in all the containers is the same. This is known as Stevin's law. Stevin's law of communicating vessels. Stevin was a fascinating character, Simon Stevin. He was Dutch, which already makes him interesting. In Latin his name was Stevenus. He was actually Flemish, to be more precise. He was mathematician, physicist, military engineer. He did amazing things. For example, he created a yacht, a land yacht, kind of a yacht with sails, but on land. I mean, he was a bizarre character. He translated many texts and so on. He said his famous quote is, a man in anger is not clever dissembler.

So Steven Simon, Stevin was the guy who came up with the idea of the communicating vessels. And it's a perfect simile to narcissistic supply.

Because you pour narcissistic supply into the first container, into the first vessel, jar, jug, glass, doesn't matter. You pour narcissistic supply and it spreads equally across the various emotional and psychological needs of the narcissist.

If you pour an insufficient amount of supply, the level will be very low in all these areas of psychodynamic functioning.

The narcissist needs a constant infusion of supply to maintain the level across all communicating vessels, high and the same. When there's not enough supply, supply is missing, the narcissist administers supply to himself or asks his intimate partner to administer supply to him. When the intimate partner administers supply to the narcissist, that's secondary narcissistic supply.

And when the narcissist does it to himself, when he fulfills these vessels with narcissistic supply by himself, it's called auto supply or self supply.

To refresh your memory, there are two categories of narcissistic supply and consequently two categories of narcissistic supply sources.

Primary narcissistic supply is attention, both in public forms like fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity, and in a private, interpersonal form, adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion.

It is important to understand that attention of any kind, positive or negative, constitutes primary narcissistic supply.

Infamy is as sought after as fame being notorious is as good as being renowned. To the narcissist, his accomplishments can be imaginary, can be fictitious or only apparent as long as others believe that he is an achiever. Appearances count more as far as the narcissist is concerned, count more than substance.

What matters is not the truth, but the perception of the truth. It is impression management on steroids.

Narcissistic supply comes in two forms, animate, animate, direct, and inanimate, indirect. Inanimate supply is composed and composed of all expressions of attention which are communicated impersonally, not personally.

For example, in written form via third parties or as views on a YouTube video. Inanimate supply also includes aggregate measures of popularity and fame, number of friends and likes on Facebook, as I said, number of comments on YouTube, numbers of readers in a blog, statistics, deaths inanimate supply, is no face, it's faceless.

Animate supply requires an interpersonal interaction with the source of the narcissistic supply, usually in the flesh.

To sustain his sense of self-worth, the narcissist requires both types of supply, inanimate and inanimate, but especially the animate variety. He needs to witness firsthand the impact his false self has had on living, breathing, flesh and blood human sources and on his immediate environment.

That's why isolation, quarantine, and social distancing are very, very difficult on narcissists.

Now, triggers of primary narcissistic supply include being famous, being a celebrity, having notoriety, fame, infamy, I mentioned that, or having an air of mystique when the narcissist is considered to be mysterious, inaccessible, or having sex and deriving from it a sense of masculinity, virility or femininity, or being close or connected to political, financial, military, spiritual, movers and shakers, power, authority, or yielding and wielding this power. All these are triggers of primary supply, but who provides the supply?

Sources of primary narcissistic supply are all those who provide the narcissist with narcissistic supply on a casual, random basis, not so secondary narcissistic supply sources.

Secondary narcissistic supply includes living a normal life, normalcy, just being able to present yourself to appear to be normal is a source of great pride for the narcissist, having a secure existence, economic safety, social acceptability, upward mobility, and obtaining companionship.

And so having a mate, having an intimate partner, possessing conspicuous wealth, being creative, running a business, and of course the business is transformed into a pathological narcissistic space, possessing a sense of anarchic freedom, being a member of a group or a collective, having a professional or other reputation, being successful, owning property, flaunting one's status symbols, they are all secondary narcissistic supply.

But this source of secondary narcissistic supply is the narcissist's intimate partner. She has a very important function. She records his moments of glory. And when he's down, when he cannot obtain supply, when he supply is deficient, she reminds him of these moments of glory. She's like an external hard disk, external memory. And she stores supply. She witnesses the supply and she stores it.

And then when the narcissist needs it, she releases, it's like a slow release bill. She releases the supply.

This way she regulates the supply. That's her main function.

The main function of the narcissist's intimate partner is regulatory, to regulate the flow of supply.

When there is a collapsed source of narcissistic supply, again, suggested originally by Lydia and Geroska, when there's a collapsed source of narcissistic supply, the narcissist will try to compensate for this.

So when the source of secondary supply had collapsed, the narcissist will try to obtain more additional primary supply.

But the narcissist will also try to provide himself with supply, auto supply, self supply, which we're going to discuss in a minute.

When there is a collapsed source of primary supply, primary narcissistic supply, when sources of primary supply vanish, disappear, mock the narcissist when they create external modification and so on.

When the narcissist remains bereft, bereft of all sources of primary supply, he's going to put the onus and the pressure on the source of secondary supply to regulate the deficiency, to cover up for the deficiency, to release memories of past moments of glory, past moments, past accomplishments, so as to compensate for the deficiency.

And again, he's going to use auto supply, self supply, is a regulatory tool.

And finally, when the entire pathological narcissistic space collapses, to remind you, pathological narcissistic space is the physical places narcissists go to in order to obtain supply, the local pub, the library, the church, the narcissist family is a pathological narcissistic space usually.

So when the pathological narcissistic space collapses, the narcissist tries to compensate by obtaining more primary supply.

What's the role of auto supply or self supply in all this?

Again, it has a regulatory role. And in this sense, it's the exact equivalent of an intimate partner.

Again, we see auto eroticism, libidinal investment in the self.

Auto supply, self supply are as good as having an intimate partner. They're interchangeable.

Don't have an intimate partner, supply yourself as a narcissist.

You can't supply yourself as a narcissist, you look for an intimate partner. It's all investment in the self. You can supply yourself in really dire straits when, you know, when as a last resort.

So it's a regulatory mechanism. It is tied to schizoid states where the narcissist is isolated, withdrawn, I refer you to the previous video that I made.

And so he has no access to people. He has no access in and to an intimate partner.

He may have divorced. She may have abandoned him, cheated on him, betrayed him or whatever.

So he's in a schizoid state, isolated, withdrawn, rigged, reclused, lone wolf.

And so at that moment, he will try to compensate via self supply or auto supply.

Now, what is self supply?

What is auto supply?

It's anything, anything that grants the narcissist narcissistic supply, but is not dependent on any input or feedback from other people.

In other words, you remember that in narcissism, there is a God awful confusion between internal objects and external objects.

The narcissist misconstrues and considers external objects as totally internal.

So worst comes to worst, rock bottom.

When the narcissist does, he begins to relate to some of his internal objects as actually external.

And he derives from these internal objects, narcissistic supply, as though and as if they were external.

He may uplift himself with positive automatic thoughts. He may tell himself that he's great, that he's a genius, misunderstood, but still a genius.

So he will give himself pet talks and so on, not in a healthy way.

Most of us, almost everyone does that from time to time, but in a sick compulsive way, repetitive and something that occupies the bulk of his time.

So he's going to have a dialogue, he's going to establish a dialogue with his internal objects, thereby estranging himself from his internal objects to the point of psychosis, almost, almost to the point that he mistakes his internal objects as external objects.

He still maintains a real modicum, a measure of reality testing, and he knows that he's talking to himself. He knows that these objects don't exist out there, but he tends to identify them with external objects that had existed in his life from his past.

And he tends to kind of, in a process that I call twinning, he tends to twin in a current contemporary internal objects with a past external objects.

So he would identify, for example, an internal object with his ex, with his ex-wife. He would identify an internal object with his teacher who admired him, etc.

So he would kind of twin the past with a future, with a present.

And so this leads to several types of auto supply.

The most prominent by far is paranoid ideation.

Think about it, paranoid ideation, the belief that you are at the center of some kind of collusion or conspiracy theory aggrandizes you, makes you appear important, at least to yourself.

If you believe yourself to be at the core, or at the crux, or to be the pivot and the axis of processes around you, that is the kind of magical thinking that elevates you, that renders you the center and the focus of attention.

So paranoid and persecutory ideation are highly narcissistic, and they are a form of auto supply, self supply, because you don't need anything, and anyone to buttress, prove, substantiate your paranoid ideation, on the very contrary.

Paranoia is a very solitary, very solitary kind of state of mind.

The second type of auto supply or self supply is delusionality.

You can simply develop a delusion or a series of delusions.

Some people develop a delusion that God himself is interested in their lives, to the minutest details, he micromanages their lives.

Others believe, others develop a delusion that yeah, my wife had left me 46 years ago, but she will be back one day. I mean, there's no end, there's no way to specify all possible content of delusion, of delusionality.

But delusions are very crucial, important mechanism for self supply and auto supply.

Actually, there is even a therapeutic technique, it's called anchoring, like anchor of a ship.

And it is when we reorient the narcissist towards self supply, we push the narcissist to sort of win himself off narcissistic supply, and to substitute for it, to replace it with self supply.

Rather than resort to fickle and ephemeral external sources of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is taught in the anchoring technique, he's encouraged to resort to himself for supply, to look forward with excited anticipation to the structured pursuit of, let's say hobbies, vocations, to develop certain traits and skills, and reward eliciting behaviors.

And this self mastery is a major source of supply.

This approach leverages the narcissist's grandiose solipsism, and his fantasy defense mechanism, especially fantasies of omnipotence.

And it renders the narcissist emotionally self sufficient, and proud of healthy progress.

So here's an example of a therapeutic technique that uses knowingly, consciously mechanisms of self supply and auto supply.

But let's elaborate a bit on delusions, because delusions, delusionality delusions, that's the family of coping strategies that the narcissist had his most acquainted with.

When the narcissist is a child subjected to trauma and abuse, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape, he's being instrumentalized, parentified, objectified, beaten, sexually molested.

What to do?

Well, the narcissist as a child, escapes to delusionality, he develops a delusion, which is essentially the false self, a godlike entity, totally delusional, an imaginary friend, a comfort object that is delusional.

So the narcissist default, when there isn't enough supply, the narcissist default is delusion, unable to completely ignore contrarian opinion, and data from reality, he transmutes them, unable to face the dismal failure that he is.

The narcissist partially withdraws from reality altogether, it loses reality testing, to soothe and to solve the pain of disillusionment.

The narcissist administers to himself a mixture of lies, confabulations, distortions, half-truths, and outlandish interpretations of events around him.

And these delusions, we can classify them into groups.

Let's start with the delusional narrative solution.

The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as a hero, he's brilliant, he's perfect, he is irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, kind-hearted, wealthy, the center of attention, etc, etc. He is the protagonist of his own novel of fiction.

The biggest strain of this delusional charade, the greater the gap between fantasy and reality, the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

That's the irony.

Delusion is a defense against reality. The more reality challenges the narcissist, the more delusional he becomes. That's why it's very wrong in therapy to challenge the narcissist's delusions, to introduce him, to force him to accept reality.

Because when you do this, it entrenches him. It becomes even more traculent, obstinate, resistant to treatment.

And finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, this delusion replaces reality altogether.

And the narcissist's reality testing deteriorates. He withdraws, he draws bridges and may become schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.

Again, I refer you to the previous video I made.

Then there is the antisocial solution.

The narcissist, all these solutions, to remind you, are in case the narcissist is unable to obtain supply.

So here's the second family of solutions, the antisocial solution.

The narcissist renounces reality to his mind, those who pusillanimously fail to recognize his unbound talents, his innate superiority, his overarching brilliance, his perfection, his benevolent nature, his entitlement, his cosmically important mission.

These people do not deserve consideration. They are intermental. They are not human. They are subhuman. Anyone who can gaze at the face of the narcissist, he's the sun. You can't look at his face, because he is glowing. There's an aura. He is saintly and godlike. And he's an amazing genius and he's unprecedented in the annals of humanity.

If you can't grasp this, if you disagree with this, if you're stupid enough to not realize it instantly, then something's wrong with you. What's wrong with you? You're not fully human. You're indistinguishable from monkeys and apes. So you don't deserve, you have no rights. You don't deserve any consideration.

And the narcissist, there's no obligation towards you. The narcissist's natural affinity with a criminal, his lack of empathy, lack of compassion, deficient social skills, his disregard for social laws, social mores and morals.

Now this affinity with a criminal erupts. It blossoms. It flourishes. Narcissist becomes a full fledged antisocial psychopath.

He ignores the wishes and needs of others. He breaks the law. He violates all rights, natural and legal. He holds people in contempt of disdain. He derides and decries society in its codes. He punishes the ignorant ingrates. He becomes conscientious.

And that is because these people, to his mind, drove him to this state of deficient supply. They acted criminal. They are the criminals. They had acted criminally.

And so he's just reciprocating. He's jeopardizing their safety, their lives, their property, their happiness, their mental health, because they've done it to him first.

Defiance, tit for tat, quid pro quo.

There's a second family.

The third family is, I mentioned before, the paranoid schizoid solution.

When narcissism fails, is a defense mechanism.

The narcissist develops paranoid narratives, self-directed confabulations, which place him at the center of others, allegedly malign attention. Intention and attention.

The narcissist becomes his own audience. Self-sufficient as his own, sometimes exclusive, source of narcissistic supply.

The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. This is known as hypervigilance. He becomes subject to ideas of reference, referential ideation. He believes that people are gossiping about him, mocking him behind his back, prying into his affairs, cracking his email.

And that reminds me of Donald Trump so much that I'm going to take another sip from the Donald Duck mug.

The narcissist is convinced that he is the center of malign and malintentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, to punish him, to restrict him, to abscond with his property, to prevent him from realizing his potential and self-actualizing, to delude him, to impoverish him, to confine him physically, to dwarf him intellectually, to censor him, to impose on his time, to force him to action, to force him to inaction, to frighten him, to coerce him, to surround him, to besiege him, to change his mind, to part with his values, to victimize, to murder him, and so on.

Knowledge. Escalation to the end.

And all this, the narcissist is the center of this universe of collusion, conspiracism, and inanity.

Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world, from a universe populated with such menacious and ominous objects.

But these objects are really projections of internal objects and processes, as you realize.

And these narcissists avoid all social contact, except the most necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with others.

In short, these narcissists become schizoids, not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice.

The schizoid doesn't have a choice, the real schizoid.

Schizoid simply dislikes people, doesn't need sex, and is utterly asocial, not antisocial, asocial.

Here the narcissist makes choices to let go, to give up certain proclivities and predilections that he has, certain tendencies and inclinations. He gives them up knowingly.

But he gives them up, gives them up in his view, in his distorted mind, in self-defense.

The evil, hopeless world does not deserve me.

They say to themselves, I shall waste none of my time and resources on it.

Grandiose exit left.

Now the next family is the paranoid aggressive explosive solution.

The previous family was the paranoid schizoid solution.

There's another variant, the paranoid explosive solution.

Other narcissists who develop their secretary delusions resort to an aggressive stance, more violent resolution of their internal conflict.

They become verbally, psychologically, situationally, and very rarely physically abusive. They insult, castigate, humiliate, chastise, berate, demean and deride, their nearest and dearest, often their well wishes and loved ones. They explode in unprovoked displays of rage, indignation, righteousness, condemnation and blame.

Theirs is an exegetic bedlam. The interpretivity, even the most innocuous, inadvertent and innocent comment, is designed to provoke and humiliate. They sow fear, revulsion, hatred and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality, pathetic, forlorn sight.

But often they cause real and lasting damage. Fortunately, mainly to themselves.

And there's a middle ground version between the paranoid schizoid and the paranoid aggressive. And that's the paranoid passive aggressive.

I refer you to videos on this channel which deal with passive aggression or negativistic personality sort.

Another family is the masochistic action.

Masochistic, self-harming, avoidant solution.

Some narcissists, when they cannot secure a supply, they are angered by the lack of narcissistic supply. Such a narcissist directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his failure to secure a supply.

And this is masochistic behavior. And it has the added benefit of forcing the narcissist's closest and nearest and dearest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors.

And so either way, to pay him the attention that he craves, it's like he's shouting from the rooftops, I'm about to be suicide. I'm about to harm myself. I'm about to hurt myself. It's a cry not for help. It's a cry for attention.

Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism, a narcissistic copout.

By undermining his work, his relationships, his efforts, the increasingly fragile and vulnerable narcissist avoids additional criticism and censure, avoids negative supply.

Self-inflicted failure is the narcissist doing, and so proves that he is the master of his own fate. He is in control.

This is a technique very often used by covert narcissists. Masochistic narcissists keep finding themselves in self-defeating self-destructive circumstances, which render success impossible.

Millen wrote in 2000 that masochist narcissists do this. They sabotage everything. They undermine everything. They do this to prevent an objective assessment of their performance to render it improbable. They act carelessly. They withdraw in mid-effort. They are constantly fatigued, bored, sick, disaffected, and so passive aggressively they sabotage their own lives. Their suffering is defiant. In-your-face suffering, conspicuous victimhood, ostentatious self-reination. They get drunk. They do drugs. They overspend. They over it.

And so by deciding to abort their lives, to reject their lives, as Cleggley put it, they reassert actually their omnipotence.

Not only am I in control of myself, I'm in control of your emotions because I make you sorry for me. I make you sad. I make you depressed. I'm going to induce a state of mind in you. I'm going to play with your emotions. I'm going to sacrifice myself to eff up your mind.

The narcissist pronounces public misery and self-pity. They are compensatory.

And again, as Millen said, they are intended to reinforce his self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness.

The narcissist tribulations and anguish render him in his eyes unique. I am suffering.

So I never heard anyone of anyone that suffered like me. I mean, what he did to me, I think no one else had ever experienced this. It makes him saintly.

This suffering, this victimhood is virtuous. It's righteous. It's resilient and significant. He becomes an empath.

Then he graduates and he becomes a super empath. Then he graduates and he becomes a supernova empath. This empath label is grandiose. It's highly narcissistic.

These are narcissists who had chosen the masochistic solution. These narcissists are, in other words, self-generating what they do.

They replace narcissistic supply from the outside, or they react to narcissistic injuries and mortifications by generating supply from the inside, self-generated narcissistic supply. And they generate the supply by playing the victim, by becoming the victim, by identifying with victimhood, not only as a state of mind, but as an identity.

And so paradoxically, the worse is anguish. The more horrible is unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such a narcissist feels. He feels good. He feels really good.

When he feels really, really bad. So a narcissist reacts to a deficient narcissistic supply very much as a drug addict reacts to the absence of a particular drug.

The dwindling or absence of supply is a trauma and the narcissist experience post-traumatic stress. The narcissist constantly consumes praise upon adoration, admiration, approval, applause, attention, other forms of narcissistic supply. When lacking, when they're deficient, a narcissistic deficiency dysphoria sets in.

The narcissist then appears to be depressed. His movements slow down. His sleep patterns are disordered. He becomes insomniac or sleeps too much. His eating patterns change. He gorgeous on food or avoids it altogether.

The narcissist is constantly dysphoric when he doesn't have supply. He's unhedonic. So he's sad and he finds no pleasure in anything, including his follow-up pursuits, hobbies, professions, and interests.

The narcissist is subjected to violent mood swings. He becomes mood-lebile. Mainly he has rage attacks and he has visible and painful kind of emotional dysregulation.

So in a way, deficient supply pushes the narcissist to become a borderline.

The scholar Grotstein suggested the borderline personality disorder is failed narcissism. When the child fails to develop narcissistic personality disorder, the child ends up being in a midway house and that is borderline personality disorder. It's a failed narcissist.

So when the narcissist fails, when he collapses, he reverts to a borderline state.

And you see these extremely anguishing efforts at self-control and they fail. He compulsively and ritually resorts to some addiction, alcohol, drugs, reckless driving, shopaholics. He develops obsessive compulsive rituals.

This gradual disintegration is the narcissist's futile effort both to escape his predicament and to sublimate the aggressive urges that he has. He's frustrated.

Dallin in 1939 suggested the frustration-aggression hypothesis. He said frustration becomes aggression.

So the narcissist is frustrated. He cannot obtain supply. He becomes aggressive. His whole behavior seems constrained, artificial, and effortful.

The narcissist gradually turns more and more mechanical, detached, and unreal. His thoughts constantly wander or become obsessive and repetitive. His speech may falter. He appears to be far away in a world of his narcissistic fantasies where narcissistic supply is aplenty.

So the narcissist withdraws from his painful existence where others fail to appreciate his greatness, his special skills, his talents, his potential, his achievements. The narcissist ceases to bestow himself upon a cruel, indifferent universe. He is punishing humanity for its shortcoming, its inability to realize how unique he is and what a gift he is.

When narcissism fails as a defense mechanism, the narcissist develops paranormal delusions, as we said, self-directed confabulations, which place him in the center of others' allegedly malicious intention.

The narcissist becomes his own audience and self-sufficient as his own, sometimes exclusive source of supply.

And again, to remind you, some narcissists go into a schizoid mode. I refer you to the previous video I made.

Narcissistic or schizoid withdrawal.

This kind of narcissist isolates himself, a hermit in the kingdom of his hurt. He minimizes his social interactions and uses messengers, flying monkeys, to communicate with the outside, devoid of energy.

The narcissist can no longer pretend to succumb to social conventions. His former compliance gives way to open withdrawal. It's a rebellion of sorts. Smiles are transformed to frowns. Courtesy becomes rudeness. Emphasized etiquette is used as a weapon, an outlet of aggression, an act of self-righteous, sanctimonious violence.

The narcissist, blinded by his pain, seeks to restore his balance, to take another sip of the narcissistic nectar that his narcissistic supply.

And in this compulsive quest, out of his control, the narcissist turns both to and upon those nearest to him. His real attitude emerges.

For him, his nearest and dearest are nothing, nothing but tools. One-dimensional instruments of gratification, functions, sources of supply, extensions, pimps of supply, catering to his narcissistic lust.

Having failed to procure for him his drug, narcissistic supply, the narcissist regards friends, colleagues, and even family members as dysfunctional, frustrating, potentially hostile objects. He develops what we call persecutory objects.

In his wrath and fury and unmitigated rage, he tries to mend these people, to fix them, by forcing them to perform again, to function again. He's very adamant about it, relentless, callous, reckless. This is coupled with merciless self-flagellation, a deservedly self-inflicted punishment, the narcissist feels.

In extreme cases of deprivation, the narcissist entertains suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation. This is how deeply he loathes his self and his dependence on others.

Throughout this mess, the narcissist is beset by a pervading sense of malignant nostalgia, harking back to a past which never existed, make America great again, accepting the thwarted, fantastic radiosity of the narcissist.

The longer the lack of supply, the longer supply is missing, the more the narcissist glorifies, rewrites, refrains, misses, and mourns, a totally invented past.

This nostalgia serves to enhance other negative feelings, mounting to clinical depression.

The narcissist proceeds to develop paranoia. He concocts a prosecuting world, a persecuting world, I'm sorry, a prosecuting world, incorporating in this world his life's events and his social milieu.

He creates a giant game of thrones and gives everyone a role, every place, every person, every event, all his personal history.

This gives meaning, this online virtual game, this MMOG multiple player game, this gives meaning to what is erroneously perceived by the narcissist to be a sudden shift from oversupply to no supply.

In this imaginary paranoid universe, there's a reason he's not getting supply. It's a conspiracy. It's a collusion. There's no other explanation. He's so self-evidently superior. He's so much to offer. He's such a gift. He's such an endowment. He's so perfect. He's so brilliant. He's so handsome. He's so smart. All narcissists have 190 accused, didn't you know?

And yet, he's rejected. He's ignored. He's mocked. He's ridiculed. He's abandoned. He's disrespected. And it grades.

And in extremes, it modifies, creates mortification.

And so, he needs to cope, to create external mortification. He builds a paranoid theory, a paranoid theory of the world. It's everyone against him. It's malicious, malevolent intent working behind the scenes to deprive him, to discriminate against him. It's injustice, writ large. It's institutional. It's individual. It's individuals acting within institutions, everyone, everywhere is against him. Otherwise, he would have received much more supply.

Proof that this paranoid ideation is not a delusion is that he's not getting supply.

Does it stand to reason? Of course, he should have received supply. Plenty.

Those theories of conspiracy account for the decrease in narcissistic supply.

The narcissist then, frightened in pain, in despair, embarks upon an orgy of self-destruction intended to generate alternative supply sources.

Alternative attention at any cost. The narcissist is poised to commit the ultimate narcissistic act, self-destruction in the service of self-aggrandizing.

When he's deprived of supply, both primary and secondary, the narcissist feels annulled, non-existent, hollowed out, mentally disemboweled.

This is an overpowering sense of evaporation, disintegration into molecules of terrified anguish. Dissolution, helpless and inexorable.

Without narcissistic supply, the narcissist crumbles. Crumbles to dust, like the zombies or the vampires one sees in horror movies.

And the only sustenance is not blood. It's supply. It is terrified. The narcissist will do anything to avoid this fate.

Think about the narcissist considering him as a drug addict. He's withdrawal symptoms, he's cold turkey, are the same like a drug addict, like a junkie.

Delusions, physiological effects, irritability, emotional ability. In the absence of regular supply, narcissists often experience brief, decompensatory psychotic episodes. This also happens while in therapy or following a life crisis accompanied by major narcissistic injury. And these psychotic episodes may be closely allied to another feature of narcissist, magical thinking.

Narcissists are like children in this sense. I keep saying it in all my videos. Many narcissists, for instance, fully believe in two things, that whatever happens, they will prevail and that good things will always happen to them. It is more than mere belief. It's magical thinking that is experience as reality.

Narcissists just know it the same way one knows about air or gravity, directly, immediately, assuredly, unthinkingly, automatically.

The narcissist believes that no matter what he does, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail in triumph, always come on top. I call it narcissistic immunity.

The narcissist is therefore fearless in a manner perceived by others to be both admirable and insane.

The narcissist attributes to himself divine and cosmic immunity. He cloaks himself in this immunity. It renders him invisible to his enemies and to the power of evil.

The narcissist is a comic strip. It's a Marvel movie, not marvelous, Marvel. It is a childish phantasmagoria, but to the narcissist is very real.

The narcissist knows with religious certainty that good things will always happen to him. With equal certitude, the more self-aware narcissist, and there are quite a few of them, they, this kind of narcissist, self-aware, knows that he will squander this good fortune time and again. It's a painful experience best avoided. He knows that.

So no matter what serendipity, or fortuity, what lack of circumstance, what blessing the narcissist receives, he always strives with blind fury to deflect them, to deform them, and to ruin his chances.

And this is his only success, self-destruction.

Now, the next video, I'm going to read three excerpts from three books, a very surprising excerpt about empathy.

Martin Luther King's words on love, which should resonate through the ages, and an excerpt about the cultural fear.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Self Supplying Narcissist Miracle Cure

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the use of self-supply as a therapeutic strategy for narcissists, arguing that it is superior to current treatment modalities. He explains that self-supply involves the narcissist becoming their own exclusive source of narcissistic supply, leading to reduced anxiety and depression, stabilization of self-worth, and the potential for healing and integration. Vaknin emphasizes the need for mental health practitioners to transition from manipulative dependency on external supply to teaching narcissists to rely on self-supply, ultimately leading to better social behavior and a sense of secure base.

Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.

Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.

Individuation Last Phase Of Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

In this video, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the process of individuation after separating from a narcissist. He explains that the narcissist is a duality, making it difficult to separate and silence the narcissist's voice in your head. The process of individuation involves silencing the narcissist's voice, embodying your authentic voice, self-mothering, self-saving, and choosing life. It is about becoming a person with personhood and defining who you are without allowing anyone else to tell you who you are.

Resist When Narcissist Triggers You Inner Voices (Death, God, Life Introjects)

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the three types of voices in a narcissist: the voice of death, the God voice, and the life voice. These voices are introjects that originate from parental figures, role models, and caregivers. When a narcissist enters a relationship, they implant these voices in their partner's mind, triggering corresponding introjects in the partner. To heal from a narcissistic relationship, one must identify and eradicate these implanted voices and replace them with their own authentic voice.

Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath

In summary, to effectively handle a narcissist in court during divorce and custody proceedings, it is crucial to remain calm, composed, and fact-based. Focus on exposing the narcissist's grandiosity and vulnerabilities by challenging their self-perception and accomplishments, while avoiding appearing vengeful or malicious. Provoke the narcissist indirectly by hinting at their shortcomings and mediocrity, ultimately leading them to lose control and expose their true nature. Maintain a holistic strategy that takes into account both the legal aspects and the narcissist's off-court life.

Narcissist’s Self-supply Techniques

Today's video discusses self-supply in narcissists, where they generate supply from within to avoid collapse. Techniques include future orientation, exclusive reference, self-referential transcendence, self-audiencing, self-referential ideation, contemptuous withholding, and paranoid ideation. These techniques are used to maintain a sense of superiority and control. Self-supply can lead to delusional fantasies and paranoia, but it also reduces harm to others by making the narcissist self-sufficient. The focus of treatment should be on teaching the narcissist to self-supply in a benevolent manner.

Domestic Violence Shelters

Before moving into a domestic violence shelter, it is important to ensure that the shelter's philosophy aligns with your own. Check if the shelter caters to specific ethnic minorities or neighborhoods, and if you can abide by the house rules. Gather intelligence and be informed before making a move, and talk to battered women who spend time in the shelter. Ensure that the shelter is secure, and that it provides counseling for abusers as well as ongoing support for their victims. Remember that shelters are temporary solutions, and plan your life after the shelter.

Parent Your Orphaned Self After Narcissistic Abuse

The text discusses the aftermath of narcissistic abuse and provides a four-stage process for self-parenting and healing. It emphasizes the importance of seeing oneself, creating boundaries with the internal parental figure, being one's own secure base, and reintegrating with reality. It also highlights the significance of self-love based on self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-efficacy. The overall focus is on reclaiming one's identity and well-being after narcissistic abuse.

3 Spells Against Narcissist’s “Black Magic” Presence, Voice (LISTEN, PRINT, DECLAIM)

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the impact of narcissists on individuals and provides three affirmations to counter their influence. He advises repeating these affirmations daily, posting them in various places, and vocalizing them frequently to displace the narcissist's voice in one's mind. The affirmations emphasize that the narcissist's behavior is not the fault of the individual, but rather a result of the narcissist's internal dynamics and needs. By consistently practicing these affirmations, individuals can gradually silence the negative influence of the narcissist.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy