Background

Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Uploaded 4/8/2014, approx. 4 minute read
YouTube   Internet Archive  

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

My advice was very controversial. People insisted that a modicum of contact with a narcissist and psychopath is a good idea.

Today I am glad to say, no contact is the conventional wisdom and the orthodox advice and tip to victims of narcissism.

So what did I mean and what do I mean when I say no contact?

First of all, be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do not contravene the decisions of the system. Do not go against the courts.

Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings, but never ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and against your interests.

But with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath.

Do not respond to the narcissist's pleading romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages. Return to him all gifts that he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single or light but firm sentence that you are determined to not talk to him any longer.

Do not answer his letters or any other forms of communication. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies in the hospital for instance. Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you via third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him do not discuss your personal affairs or his. Do not go into the territory of intimacy. Do not go back to La La Land.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him when and where possible to professionals, to your lawyer, to your accountant.

Avoiding contact with your abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing.

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from everyone around you. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious and predictable behavior.

If confrontation, react in kind, let him taste some of his own medicine. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him.

Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends, colleagues, or even threaten him, legally of course, by a lawyer.

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse. Never give him a second chance. React with all your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Do not wait for the second one. Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence before you commit. Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not mislead. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word.

These kind of things create expectations that may end up very badly. Be firm. Be resolute, but be polite and civil.

The problem in interactions with abusers is a mismatch of expectations.

Stay away from such quipmars. Scrutinize every offer in suggestion, no matter how innocuous, and feel free to reject those which you find unacceptable.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others involved of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation at any moment. Be vigilant. Be doubting.

Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry.

Often the abusers' proxies are unaware of their role.

He sends people your way to spy on you, to harass you, to abuse you, to convince you, to flatter you, to cajole you. Expose him. Inform these people. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used, but the abusers show them that they are his unwilling and unwitting instruments. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.

Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

Remember that.

Good luck here.

Bottom
Back to topBottom

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Interacting with Your Abuser

Sam Vaknin advises those in abusive relationships to work with professionals such as lawyers, accountants, and therapists to extricate themselves from the situation. He suggests maintaining the minimum contact mandated by the courts and avoiding any gratuitous contact with the abuser. Vaknin also recommends exposing the abuser's needs and filling one's life with new hobbies, interests, and friends. Finally, he warns against discussing personal affairs with the abuser and disconnecting from third parties who may be spying on one's behalf.

Posted on 5/19/2011, 4 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Strategies: Submissive Posture

In this video, Professor Sam Vaknin provides advice on how to survive a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath. He explains that not all abusers suffer from a personality disorder, but abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon. Abusers react with disproportionate wrath and rage, so it is important never to openly and repeatedly disagree with them or contradict them. The abuser seeks to subjugate their victims and transform their personal space into the exact opposite of their real life. The only way to treat an abuser is not to treat them at all, to disengage, and go away.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 5 minute read   YouTube  

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Strategies: Conflictive Posture

The conflictive posture is a way to avoid conflict with a narcissist or psychopath by minimizing contact and insisting on boundaries. It involves demanding reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from the abuser and respecting one's own emotions, needs, wishes, and priorities. The abuser creates a shared psychosis with the victim, but it is important not to buy into it and to involve law enforcement or officials if necessary. It is also important to share the story with others and not make excuses for the abuser.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 3 minute read   YouTube  

Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.

Posted on 11/22/2014, 9 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Give Narcissists Taste of Own Medicine: Brainwash, Entrain Them

Narcissistic abuse can leave survivors feeling helpless and victimized, often adopting a new identity that explains their experiences and provides meaning. However, survivors possess significant psychological leverage over narcissists, as they can manipulate the narcissist's internal representation of them to regain control. By employing strategies such as repetition, feigned helplessness, and leveraging the narcissist's social network, survivors can effectively influence and reshape the dynamics of their relationship. Ultimately, understanding these mechanisms allows survivors to reclaim their power and navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively.

Posted on 6/4/2024, 33 minute read   YouTube  

Tips: Can't Live without My Narcissist

Professor Sam Vaknin advises those in a relationship with a narcissist to count their losses and blessings and get away, but if they insist on staying, he offers advice. He suggests never disagreeing with the narcissist, never offering real intimacy, and admiring the narcissist for their achievements. He also advises being patient, emotionally and financially independent, and treating the narcissist like a spoiled brat. Finally, he suggests knowing oneself and developing strategies to minimize harm.

Posted on 6/1/2011, 5 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

DANGER: Paranoid Ex

To minimize the danger of a paranoid ex, it is important to put physical distance between yourself and them, change contact details, and not inform them of your whereabouts. It is also important to be prepared for violence and to alert law enforcement officers, check out domestic violence shelters, and consider owning a self-defense weapon. Paying attention to unusual patterns and events can help identify if a paranoid ex is monitoring you. It is important to teach children to avoid the ex and report any contact. Appeasing the ex is futile, and it is important to use the law to obtain restraining orders and ensure they spend time in jail.

Posted on 6/21/2011, 5 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Forgive the Narcissist?

To preserve one's mental health, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning, grieving, and forgiving. All stages of grieving are necessary, but it is equally bad to get fixated on rage. Forgiving is an important capability, but it should not be a universal indiscriminate believer. Human relationships are dynamic, and we must reassess and reassess our relationships on a daily basis.

Posted on 1/18/2011, 4 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Techniques

The video discusses techniques for coping with narcissistic and psychopathic abusers, including mirroring their behavior, frightening them, luring them, and threatening to abandon them. The most recommended technique is to refuse all contact with the abuser, except for the minimum mandated by the courts. The video also advises watching another video in the series that deals with warning signs and identifying marks to avoid abusive relationships. All techniques should be pursued legally and with caution, as they can backfire and provoke the abuser into violence and aggression.

Posted on 10/8/2010, 5 minute read   YouTube  

Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.

Posted on 7/19/2020, 23 minute read   Internet Archive   YouTube

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy