Narcissistic Abuse is Never Your Fault! (Sam Vaknin in Serbia) | Vaknin Talks

Back to top Bottom

The most important thing to know when you are in a relationship with the narcissist is that there is nothing you can do.

No behavior will be ever right.

No decision, no choice, no support, no love, no advice. There is nothing you can do because the narcissist's behavior is determined from the inside, not from the outside.

You are not at fault, you are not guilty, you are not to blame and you are not responsible because you are not relevant to the narcissist.

As far as the narcissist is concerned, you are a function, you are interchangeable, you are fungible, you are just the latest in line.

You are like a commodity, like a grain of rice. You are supposed to provide sex, services and supply, statistic and narcissistic and safety. These are the four S's.

Any two of these four and you're in as the narcissist partner.

So the narcissist tries to convert you into an object and one of the ways to do that is to take away your independence, autonomy, agency, free thinking.

Another way is to isolate you from your support network, from family, from friends, to render you financially dependent or emotionally dependent or otherwise dependent on him.

He replaces your reality testing.

You begin to doubt your own judgment. You begin to doubt your own perception of what is real and what is not.

The narcissist is terrified that you should abandon him.

So he is trying to convert you into an internal object rather than an external one.

He treats you as an extension of himself, another arm, another leg.

Narcissistic abuse is the most horrific form of abuse because it's not about taking something away from you. It's about engaging you. It's about making you disappear.

[MUSIC PLAYING].

Back to top Bottom

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

Posted on 1/12/2011, 7 minute read

Narcissist’s Two Rejections Giving, Love, And Abuse

The relationship cycle with a narcissist is characterized by a distorted understanding of love, where giving equates to love and entitles the narcissist to abuse, stemming from their childhood experiences of associating love with trauma. This cycle is transactional, with both parties believing that their acts of giving justify reciprocal abuse, leading to a dynamic where rejection and betrayal are perceived differently by the narcissist compared to their partner. Women, in particular, trigger deep-seated childhood traumas in the narcissist when they abandon or cheat on him, as he equates these actions to maternal rejection, resulting in feelings of mortification and unlovability. Ultimately, the narcissist's inability to form a healthy adult identity leads to a relationship dynamic that is fraught with emotional manipulation, role confusion, and a lack of genuine intimacy.

Posted on 10/6/2020, 47 minute read

How Narcissist Tests You 3 Times: Will YOU Pass?

Narcissistic abuse creates a profound sense of suffering, often leading victims to believe they have been uniquely chosen due to their positive traits, which is a misconception. The narcissist's attraction is not based on the victim's qualities but rather on their ability to provide the four S's: sex, services, supply, and safety. The narcissist employs three tests to identify suitable partners: the capacity for idealization, the ability to provide at least two of the four S's, and vulnerability to the shared fantasy. Ultimately, the narcissist's selection process is mechanical and exploitative, focusing solely on what they can extract from the victim rather than any genuine connection.

Posted on 9/20/2024, 18 minute read

Loving My Narcissist HURTS so much!

Loving a narcissist leads to profound emotional pain due to their lack of empathy and inability to form genuine connections, resulting in a cycle of idealization followed by devaluation. The narcissist's behavior often mirrors their unresolved childhood traumas, causing them to inflict similar pain on their partners without conscious awareness. This relationship dynamic creates a sense of existential loneliness and disorientation, as the partner feels increasingly invisible and unacknowledged. Ultimately, the experience leaves lasting scars, transforming the partner's self-perception and ability to trust in love and relationships.

Posted on 12/3/2021, 18 minute read

Narcissist Uses Money to Enslave, Bribe Victim

Narcissists use money as a means to express their true selves without consequences, allowing them to manipulate and control others. Victims of narcissistic abuse often equate financial support with love, leading them to accept degrading conditions in exchange for the narcissist's gifts. This dependency creates a cycle of self-deception and cognitive dissonance, where victims sacrifice their self-respect to maintain the relationship. Over time, these individuals may develop reactive behaviors that mirror those of their abuser, resulting in a shared psychosis that perpetuates their suffering.

Posted on 4/1/2015, 2 minute read

Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.

Posted on 6/11/2016, 9 minute read

How Narcissist Conditions YOU

Narcissists manipulate others by conditioning them to conform to their internal expectations, often breaking their spirit in the process. This is achieved through various techniques, including classical and operant conditioning, where behaviors are reinforced or punished to shape responses. The narcissist's need for control leads to a cycle of dependency, where the victim learns to modify their behavior to avoid aversive stimuli or to gain rewards. Ultimately, this dynamic creates a relationship characterized by fear, obedience, and a loss of autonomy for the victim.

Posted on 6/23/2023, 48 minute read

Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.

Posted on 12/7/2021, 19 minute read

Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.

Posted on 12/11/2010, 7 minute read

Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.

Posted on 8/4/2011, 10 minute read