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Narcissists: Alien Life-forms, Lack Empathy!

Uploaded 7/25/2010, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.


In my writings, I often compare narcissists to alien lifeforms, to robots, to automata, to machines.

People often bristle at such comparisons.

They say, well, surely narcissists are human beings, as human as we are.

But you see, narcissists lack a critical piece of equipment. They lack the ability to empathize.

Empathy is what binds us together. Empathy is the quintessence, the essence, of what it means to be human.

In the absence of empathy, emotions and cognitions are skewed, deformed, and in a word, alien.

To empathize means to put yourself in the shoes of another person, to understand, to accept, and sometimes to sympathize with that person's needs, emotions, fears, hopes, wishes, preferences.

For a split second to be someone else is to empathize.

It is this ability to become someone else, however momentarily, that allows us to feel compassion, mercy, pity, and to help altruistically and unselfishly.

The narcissist, usually being the victim of early childhood abuse, did not develop this critical capacity. The narcissist is unable to empathize.

Everything human is strange to the narcissist alien. He cannot grasp the three-dimensionality of other people.

To the narcissist, people are instruments of gratification, mere extensions of himself.

Psychopathic narcissists regard other people as playthings, and they can even go to the extent of becoming sadistic, physically, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically.

It is because of that that I keep saying that narcissists cannot truly communicate with other people. They cannot communicate with their family, with their friends, with their colleagues at work, with underlings, subordinates and bosses, with neighbors, and even with a therapist.

This lack of empathy sets them apart. It is an important criterion in diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder, one of the nine in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, and it also makes them easily recognizable.

This coldness, this aloofness, this detachment is unique to narcissists and psychopaths. Some people call it a reptilian quality.

In my book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, I suggested that narcissists and psychopaths actually do possess a form of empathy, which I call cold empathy.

They easily hone in on other people's vulnerabilities, weaknesses, frailties, and foibles, and they leverage and take advantage of this knowledge in order to exploit, manipulate, maneuver, and sometimes simply humiliate an infante.

Yet this is not all empathy. This is not an empathy that leads to positive feelings. This is the empathy, type of empathy, cold empathy, that renders the narcissists and psychopaths the ultimate predator.

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Narcissist Never Sorry

Narcissists may occasionally feel bad and experience depressive episodes, but they have a diminished capacity for empathy and rarely feel genuine remorse for their actions. They often project their own insecurities onto others, viewing themselves as victims rather than acknowledging the pain they cause. While they may experience fleeting moments of regret when faced with significant crises, this is typically short-lived, as they quickly revert to their grandiose self-image and resume their predatory behavior. Ultimately, narcissists prioritize their own needs and desires, objectifying those around them without true reflection on their impact.


Simple Trick: Tell Apart Narcissist, Psychopath, Borderline

Narcissists maintain one stable aspect of their lives, referred to as an "island of stability," while the rest of their existence is chaotic and disordered, leading to misconceptions about their character. In contrast, psychopaths lack any stable elements in their lives, resulting in pervasive instability across all dimensions. There are two types of narcissists: those who create compensatory stability by stabilizing one area of their life while everything else is chaotic, and those who enhance instability by introducing chaos into all aspects of their lives when one area is disrupted. The distinction between narcissists and psychopaths lies in their emotional engagement and the presence of stability, with narcissists relying on external validation while psychopaths operate without emotional depth or continuity.


Narcissists: Evil?

Narcissists can inflict harm on others, but their actions are not inherently malevolent; rather, they often act out of self-interest and expediency. While they may sometimes consciously choose morally wrong actions, they do not consistently do so, and their behavior is often devoid of genuine emotional engagement. The concept of evil becomes complicated when considering narcissists, as their actions resemble those of natural forces rather than intentional malice. A richer vocabulary is needed to accurately describe the nuances of narcissistic behavior and its impact on others, moving beyond simplistic labels of good and evil.


Narcissist or Psychopath? What Are the Differences?

Narcissists and psychopaths share many traits, but there are important differences between the two. Psychopaths are less inhibited and less grandiose than narcissists, and they are unable or unwilling to control their impulses. Psychopaths are deliberately and gleefully evil, while narcissists are absentmindedly and incidentally evil. Narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply, while psychopaths do not need other people at all.


The Music of the Narcissist's Emotions

Narcissists have emotions, but they tend to repress them so deeply that they play no conscious role in their life and conduct. They deduce the existence of emotions in others and themselves by gathering data and analyzing their meaning and significance. Narcissists and psychopaths are aware only of their cognitions and do not experience emotions, making them emotionless thinking machines. The author proposes considering narcissists and psychopaths as the first true forms of artificial intelligence.


Predator Narcissist: YOU are the Prey! (Part 2)

Narcissists exploit the vulnerabilities of others for their own pleasure, using their keen perception to identify and manipulate the weaknesses of their victims. While they may exhibit a form of cold empathy, it is devoid of genuine emotional connection and is instead a tool for personal gain. This detached form of empathy leads to a perception of narcissists and psychopaths as alien or robotic, evoking feelings of fear and repulsion in those who encounter them. Ultimately, their interactions are driven by self-interest, with empathy serving merely as a means to extract narcissistic supply rather than a true understanding of others.


Your Empathy as Narcissistic Injury: Narcissist Never Learns, No Insight

Narcissists reject empathy and intimacy because it challenges their grandiosity, and they become paranoid and aggressive when someone tries to be intimate with them. Narcissists lack empathy and access to positive emotions, leading to a truncated version of empathy called "cold empathy." Narcissists are self-aware but lack the incentive to get rid of their narcissism, and therapy is more focused on accommodating the needs of the narcissist's nearest and dearest. Cold Therapy is experimental and limited, as it removes the false self but does not develop empathy or improve the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.


Why Narcissists Cry at the Movies: Self-pity, not Empathy

Narcissists and psychopaths both cry at movies, but their emotional responses stem from different psychological foundations; narcissism is often linked to dysfunctional upbringing, while psychopathy has a genetic component. When watching films, narcissists experience a regression to an infantile state, perceiving characters as maternal figures that trigger feelings of shame and grief related to their disrupted selfhood. Their tears are not expressions of empathy but rather self-pity, reflecting their internal struggles and a desire for validation from others. Ultimately, these emotional reactions highlight the narcissist's inability to separate from their past traumas and their ongoing quest for control and self-identity.


Narcissists Have Emotions

Narcissists do have emotions, but they tend to repress them so deeply that they play no conscious role in their lives or conduct. The narcissist's positive emotions come bundled with very negative ones, and they become phobic of feeling anything lest it be accompanied by negative emotions. The narcissist is reduced to experiencing down-steerings in their soul that they identify to themselves and to others as emotions. Narcissists are not envious of others for having emotions, they disdain feelings and sentimental people because they find them to be weak and vulnerable.


Was Your Ex a Narcissist or a Psychopath?

Narcissists and psychopaths differ significantly in their emotional investments and motivations, with narcissists being emotionally invested in shared fantasies and seeking narcissistic supply, while psychopaths lack emotional attachment and are solely goal-oriented. Narcissists often engage in possessive and paranoid behaviors, such as stalking or hoovering, to maintain connections, whereas psychopaths can abruptly sever ties without any emotional repercussions. The concept of cathexis highlights that narcissists invest emotions in their fantasies, even negatively, while psychopaths exhibit flat affect and do not form attachments. Ultimately, the way each type reacts to the end of a relationship serves as a key distinguishing factor, with narcissists seeking to maintain contact and psychopaths erasing all traces of the relationship.

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