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Paranoid Stalker Ex

Uploaded 10/16/2010, approx. 5 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Your abusive ex is likely to cope with the pain and humiliation of separation by spreading lies, distortions, and half-truths about you, and by preferring self-justifying interpretations of the events leading to the breakup.

By targeting your closest, nearest, and dearest, family, your own boss, colleagues, co-workers, neighbors, and friends, your ex hopes to achieve two equally unrealistic goals.

The first one is to isolate you socially and to force you to come running back into his waiting and loving arms.

The second goal is to communicate to you that he still loves you, is still interested in you and your affairs, and that no matter what you are inseparable. He magnanimously is willing to forgive all the horrible things you did to him and to revive the relationship which after all had its good moments.

All abusers present with rigid and infantile primitive defense mechanisms, splitting, rejection, projective identification, denial, intellectualization, and narcissism. We will discuss each of these defense mechanisms in future videos.


But some abusers go further. They decompensate by resorting to self-delusion.

Unable to face the dismal failures that they are, they partially withdraw from reality.

So how should you cope with a delusional paranoid and therefore very dangerous stalker?

It may be difficult, but the first thing is turn off your emotions.

Abusers prey on other people's empathy, pity, altruism, mercy, nostalgia, and tendency to lend a helping hand.

Some stalkers punish themselves, drink to excess, commit offenses, and get caught, abuse drugs, have accidents, fall prey to scams, or entertain suicidal ideation. They do all these self-destructive and self-defeating acts in order to force their victims to pity them and to get in touch with them.

The only viable coping strategy is to ignore your abusive ex.

Take unnecessary precautions to protect yourself and your family. Alert law enforcement agencies to any misbehavior, violence or harassment on his part. File charges and have restraining orders issued.

But otherwise avoid all gratuitous interactions.

Here is a short list.

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate, but only as much as they mandate.

Do not contravene the decisions of the system. Work from inside the system to change the judgments, evaluations, or rulings, but never rebel against them or never ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and against your interests.

Still, with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous, unnecessary contact with the narcissistic or psychopathic abuser and stalker.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages. Return all gifts he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single polite, firm sentence that you are determined not to talk to him. Do not answer his letters. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies. Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through or via third parties. Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss with him your children. Do not gossip about him. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need or dire stress. When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs and do not discuss his personal affairs with him. Relegate any inevitable contact with him, when and where possible, to professionals.

Use your lawyer. Use your accountant. Avoid him. Do not collude or collaborate in your exes, fantasies, and delusions. You cannot buy his mercy or his good will. He has none.

Do not support his notions, even indirectly, that he is brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the center of attention, etc.

Abuses act on these misreceptions, and they try to coerce you into becoming an integral part of their charades.

Abuse is a criminal offense. By definition, abuses are criminals.

They lack empathy. They lack compassion. They have deficient social skills. They disregard laws, norms, contracts, and morals.

You cannot negotiate with your abusive ex. You cannot strike a bargain with him. You cannot reform him, cure him, or recondition him. He is a threat to you, to your property, and to your dear ones. Treat him as a threat.

The most dangerous class of abusers is the paranoid delusional. If your ex is one of these, he is likely to believe that you still love him. It's called erotomania. He will interpret everything you do or say, even to third parties, as hidden messages addressed to him and professing your undying devotion. He will also confuse the physical with the emotion. He will regard sex as proof of love and be prone to rape you. He will blame the failure of the relationship on you or on others, social workers, your friends, your family, your children. He will never assume responsibility. He will seek to remove the obstacles to a happy and long relationship, sometimes by resorting to violence, kidnapping, or murdering the sources of his frustration. He will be very envious of your newfound autonomy, and he will try to sabotage it. He will reassert his control over you.

For instance, he will break and enter into your house. He will leave intrusive messages on your answering machine. He will follow you around. He will appear suddenly in your workplace, and he will stay outside in a stationary car, observing your home. He will try to harm you, sometimes himself, in a fit of indignation. He will try to punish you if he feels that no renewed relationship is possible. He will develop persecutory delusions. He will perceive slights and insults where none are intended. He will become convinced that he is the center of a conspiracy to deny him and you happiness, to humiliate him, to punish him, to delude him, to impoverish him, to confine him physically or intellectually, to censor him, to impose on his time, to force him to action or to inaction, to frighten him, to coerce him, to surround and besiege him, to change his mind, to part with his values, to victimize or even to murder him.

These are all the secretary delusions.

The paranoid conduct is unpredictable, and there is no typical scenario. But experience shows that you can minimize the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some simple steps.

We will discuss these steps in a future video. Stay tuned.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.


Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.


DANGER: Paranoid Ex

To minimize the danger of a paranoid ex, it is important to put physical distance between yourself and them, change contact details, and not inform them of your whereabouts. It is also important to be prepared for violence and to alert law enforcement officers, check out domestic violence shelters, and consider owning a self-defense weapon. Paying attention to unusual patterns and events can help identify if a paranoid ex is monitoring you. It is important to teach children to avoid the ex and report any contact. Appeasing the ex is futile, and it is important to use the law to obtain restraining orders and ensure they spend time in jail.


Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.


Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.


Erotomanic Stalker

The erotomaniac stalker believes they are in love with their victim and will go to great lengths to prove their devotion, including making legal, financial, and emotional decisions for the victim without their consent. They ignore personal boundaries and intrude on privacy, and may even force themselves on the victim sexually. Coping strategies include ignoring the stalker, not responding to any communication, returning gifts, and avoiding any contact with the stalker. Any contact with the stalker is seen as a sign of love, so it is best to avoid them completely.


Fear of Intimacy Rationalized

People who fear intimacy have a phobia of exposing their vulnerabilities and committing to a long-term relationship. This fear is rooted in a deep distrust of the world and other people. They tend to devalue their intimate partner and imagine negative scenarios for the future. Fear of intimacy is a form of diffuse anxiety that causes people to withdraw and avoid intimate relationships. It is a cycle that can never be broken or interrupted, leading to a never-ending chase that never culminates in a happy ending.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.


Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.


Psychopathic Bully and Stalker

Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals, yet the horrid consequences of stalking are often underestimated. Many criminals, and therefore many stalkers, suffer from personality disorders, most prevalently the antisocial personality disorder, formerly known as psychopathy. Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated, in instruments of gratification and utility. The best coping strategy is to convince the psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2023, under license to William DeGraaf
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