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People-pleasers and Pathological Charmers

Uploaded 2/3/2013, approx. 5 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Vague, hard to pin down, sometimes of secrets, and generally a spineless non-entity. But here's the irony, these very qualities of self-defeating, as they tend to antagonize people rather than please them, at least in the long-term.

But conflict aversion is only one of several psychodynamic backgrounds for the behavior known as people pleasing.

Some people pleasers, for instance, cater to the needs and demands of others as a form of penance, self-sacrifice, redemption.

Many people pleasers are co-dependents. They strive to gratify their nearest and dearest in order to allay their own abandonment anxiety, and they ensuing intense and at times life-threatening dysphoria.

Co-dependent people pleasers say, if I'm nice to him, he won't break up with me, or if I cater to her needs, she won't leave me or won't cheat on me.

A few people pleasers are even narcissistic. Pleasing people enhances their sense of omnipotence, grandiosity. They seek to control and disempower their charges, their beneficiaries. They say, she is so dependent on me, and she so looks up to me, that I can't avoid pleasing her or helping her.

Even the pity of narcissistic people pleasers is a form of self-aggrandizement.

Narcissistic people pleasers are likely to say, only I can make her life so much better. She needs me. Without me, her life would be hell.

Narcissistic people pleasers are actually misanthropic altruists and compulsive givers.

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All people pleasers use a few common coping strategies.

They are all dishonest. Dishonesty lies, white lies, and not-so-white lies, are intended to avoid conflicts and unpleasant situations.

Manipulation people pleasers are manipulative, that is meant to ensure desired outcomes such as an intimate partner's continued presence.

People pleasers seek to foster dependence in their beneficiaries, in their charges, in the recipients of their magistrates or their hell.

Codependent people pleasers leverage their ostentatious helplessness and manifest weaknesses to elicit the kind of behaviors and solicit the benefits that they end up for, while narcissistic people pleasers aim to habituate their targets by bribing people with gifts, monopolizing their time and isolating them socially.

Then there is infantilization, displaying childish behaviors in order to gratify the emotional needs of overprotective, possessive, paranoid, narcissistic and codependent individuals in the people pleasers' milieu.

Finally, there is self-punishment, self-defeat and self-sacrifice. All these signal self-annulment in the pursuit of people pleasing.

I am not here, only my services are here.

People pleasers are a subset of a larger phenomenon, which I call pathological charming.

Pathological charmers are mostly narcissists. The narcissist is confident that people find him irresistible. His unfailing charm is part of his self-imputed omnipotence.

This in any conviction is what makes the narcissist a pathological charmer.

The somatic narcissist and the histrionic, flown to their sex appeal, virility or femininity, sexual prowess, musculature, physique, training or athletic achievements. The cerebral narcissist seeks to enchant intellectual pyrotechnics.

Many narcissists brag about their wealth, health, possessions, collections, spouses, children, personal history, family tree, assets, in short, anything that garners an attention and renders both types of narcissists firmly believe that being unique, they are entitled to special treatment by others.

They deploy their charm offenses in order to manipulate their nearest and dearest or even complete strangers and use them as instruments of gratification.

Exerting personal magnetism and charisma become ways of asserting control and overriding other people's personal boundaries.

The pathological charmer feels superior to the person he is captivating and frustrating. As far as he is concerned, charming someone means having power over her, controlling her or even subjugating her.

It is all a mind game and possibly a power play. The person to be enthralled, to be captivated, is an object, a mere prop and of dehumanized utility.

In some cases, pathological charmers involve more than a grain of Satan.

It provokes in the narcissist a sexual arousal by inflicting the pain of subjugation of the beguile who cannot help but be enchanted.

Counterproductively, the pathological charmer engages in infantile and magical thinking.

He uses charm to help maintain object constancy and fend off abandonment in other words to ensure that the person he bewitched won't disappear on you suddenly.

Some narcissists like to surprise people. They drop in and announce they organize events or parties unbidden.

They make decisions on behalf of unsuspecting parties. They help compulsively and forcefully.

This variety of pathological charmers believe that their mere presence guarantees the gratitude and delight of the intended targets of their generous and spontaneous campaigns.

Pathological charmers react with rage and aggression when their intended targets prove to be impervious and resistant to their lure.

This kind of narcissistic injury, being spurned, being rebuffed, makes narcissists feel threatened, rejected and denuded.

Being ignored amounts to a challenge to the narcissist's uniqueness, entitlement, control and superiority.

Narcissists wither without constant narcissistic supply. They shrivel like a flower without water and sunshine.

When their charm fails to elicit narcissistic supply, they feel unarmed, non-existent, disintegrating and even dead.

Expectably, they go to great lengths to secure a narcissistic supply.

It is only when their efforts are frustrated that the mask of civility and congeniality drops and reveals the true face of the narcissist, a predator on the prowl.

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3 Steps to Manipulate a People-pleaser

Narcissists manipulate others through two primary strategies: pleasing or terrorizing them, with a focus on the former in this discussion. People pleasers, who are often driven by a need to satisfy others, can be easily manipulated due to their cognitive distortions, such as grandiosity and catastrophizing, which lead them to believe their happiness depends on others' well-being. This mindset is rooted in automatic thoughts formed during childhood, where they may have taken on parental roles, leading to a belief that they must earn happiness and compromise their boundaries. The manipulation of people pleasers can be achieved by clearly communicating expectations, expressing conditional approval, and demonstrating disappointment when those expectations are not met, effectively ensuring their compliance.


Communal, Prosocial Narcissist as Compulsive Giver

Compulsive givers are a type of narcissist who feel superior to those they give to, and feel exploited when they have to pay for the needs of others. They are people pleasers and co-dependents who force themselves on others and have unrealistic expectations of gratitude. They have alloplastic defenses with an external locus of control, meaning they rely on others to regulate their self-worth and blame the world for their failures. They keep a mental ledger of what they give and receive and use false asceticism and fake modesty to prove their nearest and dearest are ingrates.


Narcissist: Irresistible Charmer

Narcissists use charm to manipulate and control others, seeking attention and admiration. They use their charisma to exert power over people and view those they charm as objects for their gratification. Pathological charm can involve sadism and is used to maintain object constancy and fend off abandonment. Narcissists react with rage and aggression when their charm fails to elicit narcissistic supply, revealing their true predatory nature.


Expose Narcissist’s Secret Speech

Narcissists communicate using a dual-layered approach, where the overt message conceals a hidden, manipulative intent designed to trigger emotional responses in their targets. This hidden message often employs techniques such as counterfactuality, victimhood, projection, and gaslighting, which distort reality and shift blame onto others. Effective communication with narcissists requires ignoring the hidden messages and, if possible, involving intermediaries to prevent emotional manipulation. Ultimately, understanding the nature of narcissistic communication can help individuals protect themselves from the psychological harm inflicted by these interactions.


Weak People Pleasers? Walk Away!

Weak character is often associated with unreliability and instability, leading individuals to engage in reckless and antisocial behavior due to their inability to assert boundaries. People pleasers, in particular, may enable the self-destructive tendencies of others, often mistaking their submissiveness for kindness or empathy. This weakness can stem from conditioning by needy parents or mental health issues, resulting in a cycle of self-loathing and harmful behaviors. Ultimately, it is advised to distance oneself from such individuals to protect one's own mental health and well-being, as their actions can lead to further victimization of those around them.


DO THIS When Narcissist Talks to You!

Focus on the underlying motivations behind a narcissist's communication rather than the content of their words, as their speech often serves specific goals such as impressing others, confabulating to fill memory gaps, supporting their grandiose self-image, or manipulating the listener. Narcissists do not engage in genuine communication; instead, they use language as a tool to manage impressions and reinforce their false identities. Their communication is often condescending and aimed at converting others into sources of narcissistic supply or participants in their shared fantasies. Understanding these motivations can help navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively.


Why Covert Narcissist Steals Your Life? (Psychosis, Rivalry, Envy)

Covert narcissists habitually steal from others, including ideas, relationships, and accomplishments, driven by self-aggrandizement, rivalry, and passive aggression. They often adopt the identity of those they envy, believing that by doing so, they can gain the recognition and supply they feel they deserve. This behavior is rooted in a profound psychological dysfunction, where they confuse their internal self with external realities, leading to a state of psychosis. Their actions are justified through various defense mechanisms, including denial, repression, splitting, and projection, allowing them to maintain a facade of morality while engaging in harmful behaviors.


Communal Narcissist ( Prosocial Giver) Altruistic Pleaser Or Controlling Sadist

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the concept of communal or prosocial narcissists who use giving to enhance their sense of omnipotence and contempt for others. Narcissists give to exert control and maintain dependence in their beneficiaries, and their giving is conditional and comes with strings attached. Narcissists use charm and money to manipulate and control others, often engaging in co-dependency with their victims. All of these coping strategies involve dishonesty, manipulation, fostering dependence, infantilization, and self-sacrifice.


womanmotherNarcissist's Partner: Admire Me, Play with Me, Mother Me

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the three stages of a narcissist's interaction with women: admirer, playmate, and mother. Narcissists are incapable of adult intimacy with women and instead seek a mother figure, as their only experience of intimacy with a woman was with their own mother. When women refuse to adopt the role of a mother, narcissists resent them and may push them away. Narcissists are more focused on possession and control than romantic jealousy, reacting like a child when their partner shows interest in other men.


Narcissism Fridge Magnets

Professor Sam Vaknin provides 15 quotes on narcissism, including the narcissist's obsession with themselves, their use of language as a weapon, and their need for adoration from a submissive partner. The narcissist is also described as holding their followers in contempt, hating themselves deep down, and developing paranoid narratives when their defense mechanisms fail. The quotes emphasize the destructive nature of narcissism and its impact on both the narcissist and those around them.

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