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Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Uploaded 1/18/2011, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Can't we just act civilized? Can't we remain on friendly terms with the narcissist? The relationship having broken down, separation having taken place, the divorce having been enacted, can't we simply stay on as friends?

Well, never forget that narcissists, at least the full-fledged ones, are nice and friendly only when they need something, only when they want something from you.

Narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or the perennial goody sex.

The narcissist prepares the ground, manipulates you, and then comes out with a small favor he needs, or asks you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply, with sentences such as, what did you think about my performance, or do you really think I deserve the Nobel Prize, and so on.

Narcissists also seek out your friendship when they feel threatened, and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

So, for instance, if you threaten the narcissist with abandonment, the narcissist will try to regain your friendship as a way of countering your threat.

Narcissists also become friendly or over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply, and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect and brilliant.

To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity on the part of the narcissist. You are not really there. You are a prop in a spectacle. You are a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented infatuation with his own false self and its achievements.

This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to thank the narcissist for little graces. This is the Stockholm Syndrome. Hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captors rather than with the police.

We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for easing their hideous activities and allowing us to catch our breath for any small break in their routine.

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned in early childhood and have been brought up.

It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated, excited. The world glows in technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays into black and white or sepia colors in the presence of everyone else.

When the narcissist is absent, the world is colorless. I see nothing inherently wrong with this kind of approach.

The test is this. If someone were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using archaic Chinese, would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Simply because you don't know archaic Chinese. You don't speak it.

Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in their lives, by their parents, to treat narcissistic abuse as archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. These people don't hear the abuse. They are not even aware of its existence. To them it's a kind of background noise and they can survive very nicely with it.

They are compensated for this abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. Living with a narcissist is exhilarating. It's a roller coaster. There are ups, there are downs, adrenaline rushes and colorful touches and tints.

This, as far as these people are concerned, this compensates for the background abuse.

This technique of telling a deaf ear is effective in that it allows the inverted narcissist, the narcissist's willing mate, to experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist.

His sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, the lack of intimacy and emotional attachment, which many inverted narcissists actually prefer.

Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abuse, but that is, as you recall, archaic Chinese. This abuse is not even noticed by the willing spouse of the narcissist.

So what? Who understands archaic Chinese anyway, says the inverted narcissist to theirself.

Having said all that, I have only one nagging doubt. If the relationship with the narcissist is so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so typically unhappy? Why are they so egodystonic, ill at ease with themselves? Why are there so much in need of help, professional or otherwise? Why do they seek support to start with? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome? Aren't they hostages who identify with a kidnapper rather than with the police? Aren't they people who deny their own torment in order to endure it? In other words, aren't they merely con artist lies?.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Recluse Narcissist

Narcissists do not have friends in the usual sense of the word, as they are only interested in securing the provision of narcissistic supply from others. They overvalue people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, but discard them nonchalantly when they are no longer able or willing to supply them. The narcissist's behavior, choices, acts, attitudes, beliefs, interests, and life are curtailed by their sensitivity to outside opinion, and they avoid situations where they are likely to encounter opposition, criticism, or competition. The fear of flying is at the heart of narcissism.


So, Is My Narcissist a Covert Narcissist? Nonsense vs. Scholarship

Covert narcissists are individuals who suffer from an in-depth sense of inferiority, have a marked propensity towards feeling ashamed, and are shy and fragile. They are unable to genuinely depend on others or trust them, suffer from chronic envy of others, and have a lack of regard for generational boundaries. Covert narcissists are not goal-orientated, have shallow vocational commitment, and are forgetful of details, especially names. Inverted narcissists are a subspecies of covert narcissism and are self-centered, sensitive, vulnerable, and defensive, sometimes hostile and paranoid.


Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists maintain discarded sources of supply in a mental reserve and may seek them out when other options are unavailable, attempting to recycle these sources for validation. To reconnect with a devalued source, they must re-idealize it without admitting past mistakes, creating a narrative that reconciles their previous devaluation with the new idealized view. Old sources of supply should remain indifferent to the narcissist's attempts to reconnect, as this indifference is intolerable to them and deprives them of the attention they crave. Ultimately, narcissists view everyone as potential sources of supply, even enemies, as any emotional response, positive or negative, serves to validate their existence.


Narcissists: Somatic vs. Cerebral

Narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply, which is attention, adoration, admiration, and adulation. There are two types of narcissists: somatic and cerebral. Somatic narcissists leverage their body and sexual prowess to garner attention, while cerebral narcissists use their intellect and knowledge to secure admiration. Both types prefer self-satisfaction to adult, mature, interactive, multidimensional, and emotion-laden relationships. Narcissists often fluctuate between the two types, especially after a life crisis.


Inanimate Objects as Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists can find inanimate objects as sources of narcissistic supply, as long as they have the potential to attract attention and admiration. Narcissists often use objects as status symbols, which can elicit admiration, envy, and aspiration from others. However, narcissists can also become attached to objects and memorabilia, which can provide emotional support and remind them of their past glories and potential future grandeur. Narcissists can objectify people and anthropomorphize objects to derive maximum narcissistic supply from both, leading to a shared psychosis and cult-like behavior among those closest to them.


Narcissist's Objects and Possessions

Narcissists have a complex relationship with objects and possessions, with some being accumulators who jealously guard their belongings and others being discarders who give away their possessions to sustain their sense of control. Objects provide emotional decor and elicit narcissistic supply, and the narcissist often compares people to the inanimate. Narcissists collect proofs and trophies of their sexual prowess, dramatic talent, past wealth, or intellectual achievements, and these objects operate through the mechanism of narcissistic branding. The narcissist is a pathogen who transforms his human and non-human environment alike, objectifying people and anthropomorphizing objects to optimize or maximize narcissistic supply.


Narcissist's Cult

Narcissists are like cult leaders who demand complete obedience and adulation from their followers. They impose a shared psychosis on their members, control every aspect of their lives, and punish severely those who fail to conform to their wishes. Narcissists act in a patronizing and condescending manner, criticize often, and expect constant attention and admiration. They are inflexible, intolerant of criticism, and demand complete trust and control over decision-making. Narcissists are always on the lookout for new recruits and feel entitled to special amenities and benefits not accorded to others.


My Narcissist is Popular, Life of the Party! (Gregariousness vs. Empathy)

Narcissists do not genuinely like people; instead, they hold them in contempt and view social interactions as opportunities to extract narcissistic supply. While they may appear gregarious and enjoy being the center of attention, their motivations are exploitative, seeking benefits rather than forming authentic connections. Unlike healthy individuals who socialize for mutual support and empathy, narcissists treat others as disposable objects, using them solely for personal gain. Ultimately, the distinction lies in the difference between giving to others out of genuine care and taking from others for self-serving purposes.


Misinformation: Covert vs. Classic Narcissist

Covert narcissists differ significantly from classic narcissists, lacking the cunning and manipulative traits associated with the latter. They experience an internal conflict between feelings of worthlessness and a grandiose self-image, leading to anxiety and mood disorders. Covert narcissists often feel shame and guilt over their aggressive urges, resulting in shyness and perfectionism, while their relationships tend to be superficial and marked by a lack of trust. To be classified as an inverted narcissist, one must actively seek relationships with narcissists despite past abuse and feel unfulfilled in relationships with non-narcissists, alongside meeting other criteria for dependent personality disorder.

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