Self-destructiveness and masochism are often erroneously conflated, yetthey are not the same.
Actually, self-destructiveness is the opposite of masochism.
And today I would like to dwell on four important differences between these two phonicious, insidious phenomena.
My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, the first book ever on narcissistic abuse. I'm also a professor of clinical psychology.
Difference number one.
Self-destructiveness is egodystonic.
The person who is self-defeating, self-loathing, self-negating, self-vitiating, self-destructive, this person is unhappy.
Self-destructiveness is about the denial of gratification, the undermining and sabotage of one's goals, plans, and life itself. It's a rejection of life.
While masochism is egosyntonic. Masochism is about gratification. The masochist enjoys being in pain. The masochist relishes hurt, agony. These are his nears, these are his drugs of choice.
The masochist, therefore, is constantly content when he is afflicted by others, when other people torture the masochist, denigrate the masochist, berate the masochist, betray the masochist, the masochist is euphoric.
While the self-destructive person goes from one act of self-decimation to another and all the time mourning and grieving his own demise.
So that's one major difference.
Difference number two.
Masochism is self-limiting.
Masochists usually engage in masochistic acts from time to time.
And when the masochistic act is over, the rest of life is out there.
They live their lives not as masochists.
They do inflict pain and hurt. They solicit agony and torment and torture because they enjoy them. They are gratified. They are happy. They're satisfied. They seek these things the way we seek good food or good sex.
So, masochism is, I would say, the equivalent of sex.
Indeed, the origin of masochism, the origin of the study of masochism was masochistic sex. Krafft Ebbing and later Freud and others described masochism and sadism as forms of deviant sex.
So masochism is highly eroticized. It's about arousal and then release and therefore exactly like sex or exactly like a gourmet dinner in a restaurant or exactly like a vacation.
It's a self-limiting act. The masochistic period or the masochistic action or the masochistic choice or the masochistic partner, they fulfill the fuel tank, the reservoir, and the masochist is ready to continue with, is her life in a pretty normal way.
So, masochism is episodic, it is self-limiting, it is goal-oriented, and it is gratifying.
Whereas self-destructiveness is exactly the opposite.
Self-destructiveness is all encompassing.
Self-destructiveness pervades every nook and cranny, every angle and field, every action and choice, every decision and conduct of the self-destructive, self-defeating person.
Self-destructiveness is a way of life. It's lifelong usually, and it is directive, it is prescriptive, it directs the person's life.
People who are self-destructive gravitate towards other self-destructive people in settings and environments. And within these environments, they self-destruct as a major vocation, as a major occupation.
Self-destructiveness becomes the life plan of the self-destructive person. The goal, the ultimate aim, is to disappear or to render oneself invisible or dead.
Next difference.
Self-destructiveness is systemic and extensive, as I mentioned.
Masochism is episodic, as I mentioned.
But there's one important difference.
Self-destructiveness involves other people.
The self-destructive and self-defeating person usually uses other people to punish himself or herself.
Other people become instrumentalized in the process of self-devastation, self-annihilation. Other people are recruited as enablers, flying monkeys, you name it.
And the self-destructive person surrounds himself or herself with people who are willing and able to collude and collaborate in the self-destructive process.
So self-destructiveness causes a lot of pain and agony and anguish and anxiety and hurt to many other people around the self-destructive individual.
People who love the self-destructive person, people who are committed to the self-destructive person, business partners of the self-destructive person, they all go down with the self-destructive person. He drags everyone with him or with her into the abyss of his own self-immolation.
Masochism, on the other hand, involves mostly the individual.
So the masochist is highly individualist whereas the self-destructive person creates a cult of self-destruction around himself or herself.
The masochist is focused on his or her own arousal and gratification.
And to obtain this, sometimes he asks, he uses other people.
But these other people are not hurt. They're not damaged. They're not broken. They're not in pain. They're not inanguish. They're not anxious.
Masochism is highly inward directed while self-destructiveness is an explosion. Masochism is an implosion while self-destructiveness is usually a collective act. Masochism is an individual or individualistic act.
The flip side of masochism is sadism and sadism resembles superficially self-destructiveness in that the sadist seeks to inflict pain on others.
But again, there's a major difference.
Sadism is egosyntonic. Sadism leads to gratification and arousal and contentment and even happiness.
While self-destructiveness is egodystonic, rejected by the self-destructive individual. Self-destructive individual grieves himself or herself, mourns what could have been and will never be.
Self-destructiveness is actually an act of prolonged extended grief. It's an attempt to annihilate oneself because existence has become unbearable and intolerable, whereas the masochist and the sadist are happy-go-lucky. They look forward to the next act of inflicting pain or absorbing pain, being the subject of pain or being the administrator of pain.
So pain is a currency in masochism, sadomasochism, pain is a currency. But a currency that makes everyone involved richer and pretty happy. Hence BDSM, the sexual practice of sadomasochism.
Self-destructiveness is about destroying values, diminishing assets, reducing the individual who is self-defeating and so destructive and everyone around that individual.
This reduction in potency, in relevance, in energy, this reduction is the key feature of the core of self-destructiveness, whereas masochism and sadism involve elation. They involve an elevation of the well-being of the individual.
So these are major, major differences.
Whereas the self-destructive person seeks to disappear, the masochist and the sadist seek to enjoy life.
Whereas the self-destructive person is usually depressive, anhedonic, the masochist and the sadists are usually pretty much alive, into life, maybe too much so.
So, masochism and sadism are expressions of life embraced, life embraced, in a highly idiosyncratic way, highly unusual way.
But still, it's about life. It's about living life to the maximum. About enjoying every minute of it. About experiencing pain as something that makes you better, makes you different, makes you more refined, purer, something that renders youmore endowed, richer, complete.
The self-destructive person seeks to dismantle himself or herself the sadist and masochist seek to put themselves back together, to build themselves. It's a constructive act. Masochism and sadism are constructive acts, whereas self-destructiveness, by definition, is a destructive one.